To not want his mum as my FB friend?

[PossiblyDreaming]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

She doesn't sound cold to me either.

I expect the issue is that she is not having the expected type of relationship that a woman should have (should want to have. Should be desperate to have). ie moving in together and being a family.

She calls him her boyfriend, people reply calling him her partner.

Boyfriend's mum becomes her mil

It's like the idea of a woman just wanting a romantic relationship without wanting it to become a live in partnership of joint finances and her doing his family's Christmas presents is just so alien that there must be something wrong with her.

Well there's nothing wrong with her.

She has her home, her life, her children,her family, her friends, a love interest to meet up with, go places with, spend time with, have (hopefully) great sex with.

Sounds to me like she's got her life working pretty well and as she wants it.

Why should she change a thing? She's happy, her bloke is happy.

So what is she doing wrong? Basically it seems that what she is doing wrong is not doing something that will make her life worse in order to prioritise someone else. She's not ... Being Kind.

There are times when you have to put what you want to the side because someone else's needs are greater. Your boyfriend's mum wanting to be your bff is not one of them.

I do t think I’m cold. I have a wonderful friendship group, boyfriend and family who I am incredibly close to and who I would drop anything for at a moments notice if they needed me to. I also don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I just know that I don’t want or have room for anyone else in my life at the moment. If I did, I wouldn’t want that person to be someone who I can only talk to about the weather or the state of the roads because our outlook on pretty much everything in life is very different. I’m sure there are lots of little old ladies around the country that need befriending, unfortunately at this point in my life that’s not something I’m going to be made to feel guilty about or responsible for.

My relationship with my boyfriend might be a bit unconventional. There is no end goal of a happy ever after. He’s talked vaguely about moving to the same town am me when his dc leave home but that’s the only way it would change in the future. I love him deeply and I’m confused by poster’s saying that I need to break up with him because there’s no future between us. He’s happy, I’m happy, I don’t see why we need to split up just because we agree we don’t ever want to move in together or blend our families in any way.

While it's great that she's been lovely to you, she also sounds intensely needy. YANBU to keep her at a distance of your choosing.

Wow. I'm surprised by the vitriol towards the OP. Are there lots of lonely mothers of adult sons on here who think that their son's girlfriend/wife is obliged to service their loneliness? If so, you're looking in the wrong place. The misogyny in expectations around who should shoulder the mental load in servicing family relationships is stark.

OP you are entirely correct to ignore the request. You have no obligation to befriend a needy person who will make demands on your time and might cause issues on your work Facebook.

Your boyfriend does have some obligation to his mum to negotiate how she feels about not being involved in his life. That's his problem.

Fuck that.

For what it's worth, I ignored a Facebook friend request from my MIL of >20 years. I'll be polite if I have to see her in person, but I have no interest in interacting with her asynchronously in my social spaces. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Good for you OP. There's a reason she's lonely and has o friends. It isn't your job to do that. She sounds just like someone I know, who hounds me when I occasionally see her to share phone numbers. No boundaries.

She sounds lovely and is trying to make an effort. My MIL would text and call me directly when I first got with my DP i felt it was really kind of her to make the effort to get to know me.

She is an amazing woman I am glad of her friendship.

@mugoftea456 that sounds lovely. This woman isn’t, and never will be, my mil though.

[quote PossiblyDreaming]@mugoftea456 that sounds lovely. This woman isn’t, and never will be, my mil though.[/quote]
No, but she will always be your boyfriend's mum.

Say he's hit by a bus. You go to the hospital to visit- would you rather get on with his mum or would you rather be told "sorry, you're just a girlfriend and will never be my DIL so sod off"

Your age and age of your kids is relevant here OP. I can't help but feel your boyfriend probably thinks you'll come round to a conventional relationship. I find your insistence that you never want that a bit strange but different strokes and all that...

Such nastiness towards the OP.

This is her boyfriends mother.

Why should she feel pressure to add her to her private life.

Your boyfriend needs to spend more time with his mother, not try and use you to add some spice to her life.

Your clarity regarding what you want from your relationship is to be applauded and admired.

Of course one can have a meaningful relationship without moving in together.

How absurd to suggest otherwise.

Stop accommodating your boyfriend regarding his mother.

How he reacts to NO and your boundary on this, WILL be informative.

@Sportslady44

Says ot all. I know I'm selfish but I don't care.

She's not missing out on anything then is she?

I disagree. I also disagree with you OP. You don't sound selfish, you sound busy and quite possibly knackered and wary and a Mum with priorities. You've clearly got a lot on your plate.

This woman sounds like someone I know - an emotional spiller and emotional vampire who, frankly, are bloody exhausting.

To avoid any potential bitterness from her (which will filter eventually to your DP - it sounds like you have a good thing together - you don't want to her to bring negativity- do what a few others have suggested and add her on limited (very limited) viewing. I'm not on any social media for the exact same reasons as you but the emotional vampire is my DM who I keep at arms length. I'm not selfish - I've learned from experience.

or another thing (if it hasn't been said already) ... add her and then two hours later (not time specific but you get my gist) unfriend her and then blame it on a glitch with a "that's why i don't use social media" and hopefully she can find someone else to stalk. i mean have girly (eurgh) chats with.

why is she putting so much emphasis on facebook anyway? i know people who are obsessed with it and they're like "oooh - xxx added yyy as a friend" - like that's actual NEWS. it's a piss boiler to me.

@notstacysmum if she got hit by a bus I wouldn’t be anywhere near the hospital. Why on earth would I? She lives a 3.5 hour drive from me, if boyfriend visited her in hospital and needed emotional support then of course I’d go and support him and visit her in hospital with her if she wanted me to be there.

I’m late 30’s, boyfriend is later 40’s and his mum is late 70’s. My kids are 6 and 9, his 13 and 15. I really don’t think boyfriend is expecting me to come round to the idea of a conventional relationship. I love where I live, love my job and my kids are happy and settled at school. There is no way in hell I’m moving from here or having him move in with me. He loves where he lives too and has no intention of moving away, certainly not until his kids are settled at uni at least. Then he’s spoken vaguely about moving down this way but knows that he wouldn’t be living with me.

Let’s hope your kids partners are kinder

Bloody hell you sound like hard work. She's obviously lonely and spends a. Lot of time on Facebook. You don't have to engage. Add her and when you see her tell her you don't really use it much and you turn your notifications off so you don't get pinged as you are busy.

Be nice

I’ve accepted her with restricted access. If she comments on any of my business posts I’ll just delete her. Hopefully that will all be ok

@Wankerchief why do my kids partners have to be kinder? If a future daughter/ son in law was perfectly friendly to me but kept me at arms length because they have their own lives I’d understand perfectly fine. I am being nice, I’m just not investing time and emotional energy that I don’t have into a relationship that I simply don’t want.

@PossiblyDreaming I asked if HE got hit by a bus- not her.

I imagined you to be in your 50's the way you describe you relationship/life/insistence you will NEVER be in a committed relationship again. Your circumstances are unusual a few I think MIL is behaving how a mum would normally behave towards to her 40 year old son's girlfriend of 2 years- if you really don't want to be friendly with her that's fine but be kind about it- some of the posts suggesting she's a lonely biddy

[quote notstacysmum]@PossiblyDreaming I asked if HE got hit by a bus- not her.

I imagined you to be in your 50's the way you describe you relationship/life/insistence you will NEVER be in a committed relationship again. Your circumstances are unusual a few I think MIL is behaving how a mum would normally behave towards to her 40 year old son's girlfriend of 2 years- if you really don't want to be friendly with her that's fine but be kind about it- some of the posts suggesting she's a lonely biddy [/quote]
Sorry, pushed send accidentally but to finish- some the posts suggesting she's a lonely old buddy are unnecessarily vitriolic

She wanted you to add her specifically to increase contact with you and form a relationship with you.
She’s not going to be getting that as you won’t be interacting wi5 her via Facebook, so she’ll up the ante now. Be prepared for her having more conversations with her son about ways in which she can solidify her relationship with you.

@AlbertBridge

God, I hate Facebook obligations. I fell out with my brother and his GF because I apparently didn't interact with her FB posts enough. They even had a go at me because I commented on her posts less often than I commented on posts from my best friend of 20 years!

No advice, but endless sympathy. Some people are needy.

How fucking exhausting and...pointless!

How do they even have the time to be offended by things like this?!

@PossiblyDreaming

In fact thinking about it, it might make sense to change my personal Facebook to a solely business one and then set up an entirely new account that I can keep private.

That's a really good idea OP.

@SpookyScarySkeletons

You sound like a bit of a cold fish to be honest.

I cant be heartless enough to just fling a biscuit so have a cuppa instead. Cold fish? Really?! Can you not read what OP is saying? We teach inference in schools these days? Can you not really hear what OP is saying?

@SpookyScarySkeletons

You sound like a bit of a cold fish to be honest.

You sound like you have comprehension difficulties to be honest.

You must have misunderstood that OP has already handled a difficult PiL relationship, to her own detriment, & is currently caring for others & has very little time -
I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell

What are you failing to understand, that you reckon this makes OP cold. @SpookyScarySkeletons?

@rocky1914 are you reading the right thread? When did this become a DP issue? OP's messages are perfectly clear - how on Earth have you cranked this up to a DP problem?

@Izzycat28

I can’t imagine this at all, I’d be pretty upset if my partner was acting like that towards my parents. You’re all effectively family now surely, so I personally would make the effort.

Maybe you'd like to go back & read the OP again @Izzycat28.

Where OP states very clearly that she is NOT 'family' to her boyfriend, has no interest in setting up a blended family with him, & that her boyfriend is on board with this himself.

I'm sure she'll give you this random woman's facebook details if you want to chum up to her though. Then you can have all the pleasure of batting off her unreasonable demands for a personal response to her posts within 2 hours. Won't that be fun for you!
What - you don't want to make the effort?