To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

Tempnamechange33 · 2022-01-14T17:39:14+00:00

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged. She wasn't around when I bought my first bra. She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's. She wasn't around when I had my first kiss. She never met my husband. She wasn't at my wedding. She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on. Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me. She died along with my baby brother. I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy. I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right? Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

MyQuietPlace · 14/01/2022 17:41

I don't know the answer, but I'm sorry you lost your mum at a young age, when you needed her. .

I was 36 (grown-up, married etc) when my mum died and I still miss her (I'm 62 now)

MopaniTree · 14/01/2022 17:42

I've not experienced what you have, but just want to say I'm so sorry you lost your mum and baby brother. Have you ever had a chance to access grief counselling?

BakedTattie · 14/01/2022 17:44

I lost my mum when I was 33 and it destroyed me. So I can’t even imagine how hard it must be losing your mum so so young. I’m so sorry you had to go through, and are still going through this. It’s just awful.

SlashBeef · 14/01/2022 17:46

I'm so sorry. I haven't experienced this personally so I can't imagine how I would feel. A good friend lost her mum when she was 6 and I think perhaps it was less damaging for her than it was for your at 14. She does feel sad that her mum isn't here and she gets upset discussing how she died because it was very sudden and in upsetting circumstances. However her dad later remarried and she developed a very strong relationship with her step mum and I know now as an adult she would say she is happy.
Is it perhaps an age thing? Maybe combined with how it leaves things afterwards.

Mischance · 14/01/2022 17:47

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

mycarsnores · 14/01/2022 17:52

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My Mum died when I was a year older than you were and I feel exactly the same as you. I miss her every single day and have abandonment issues. I am now in my sixties.

magicstars · 14/01/2022 17:54

Oh OP this is heartbreaking to read. I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐
There are no adequate words to express empathy to someone experiencing deep grief.
It's so unfair for you. My exH lost his mum as a teen. Nothing or no one can replace her. I know he finds enormous strength in our DC. He is able to show the love he learnt from his mum, to them, she lives on in them. There are pictures of her around the home so that she is spoken of & celebrated often.

eggandonion · 14/01/2022 17:54

I was 25. My mil is still going strong, my husband is 60.
Logically I know my mum can't be there for exams, graduation, weddings, and mil doesn't care. I wish so much my mum was still around.

isitspringyet23 · 14/01/2022 17:55

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

Such a lovely message

ittakes2 · 14/01/2022 17:56

I am really sorry for your loss. As a mother I live for my children’s happiness - it’s everything to me. There is a very good chance your mum would have felt the same way. You need to let go of this negative mantra you keep telling yourself. Give yourself permission to be happy. I am sure your mum would want that.

Brainwave89 · 14/01/2022 17:57

Hi OP. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was fifteen and on Christmas day. At every life milestone I have the same sense of absence. The other weird thing is that there is part of me that looks back and thinks she was there- then my brain clicks in and I realise she was not. At Christmas I have to work really hard to not get overwhelmed and there are certainly times when I do feel the loss and the sadness. I do however feel a need to live the best life I can to honour my mum and one thing I am conscious of given my experience is that life is short and is for living. Hard I know, but focusing on the positivity of life does help me.

Fcuk38 · 14/01/2022 17:57

My kids were 6 and 9 when their dad died and I live to see them at 18 not completely fucked up by their dads death. I appreciate that there will always be a little bit of fucked upness, but I hope with all my being that it will not completely define them and I do everything to try and counteract that. Time will tell and there’s only so much I can do.

becca3210 · 14/01/2022 17:58

@Mischance you put that so well

aweebitlost · 14/01/2022 17:58

I was nearly 10, so not quite a teen. But obviously she wasn’t there for any of the things you mention, along with my first period. Dad then died when I was in my early 20s so, although he did meet the man who is now my DH, he wasn’t at the wedding or for my DCs.

I’m ok. Mostly, I’m good, by which I mean I feel content more days than not and I have a lot of real joy in my life. For a long time, I thought I was ‘over it’, but having the DC has definitely reopened a lot of pain - or opened a new area of pain, I suppose. Them not having any grandparents on my side and thinking about how much they need me, and how much I still needed Mum when she died. I think I probably blocked it out when I thought I was over it.

I’ve never had counselling but I do feel that I need it now. I’m sorry that none of your therapies have helped you. I mean I don’t think it has to fuck you up forever but I’m not really sure what to suggest to get you through it, because I don’t know why I am the way I am and what helped me.

SunshineOnKeith · 14/01/2022 17:59

I think trauma is a tricky thing.
My mum wasn't there for those things either, I didn't lose her til I was a young adult, but she was utterly disinterested in me as a child. It's a different sort of trauma I guess.

I found psychotherapy helped

flippertyop · 14/01/2022 17:59

I am not in your position but I do think at that age it would probably have a bigger impact than at most other times in your life

Pedalpushers · 14/01/2022 18:00

I was the same age and for a very long time it defined who I was. I'm now in my 30s and while milestones are still difficult I find myself moving forwards, but yes, it's a huge part of me. A part I really don't like about myself is the bitterness and jealousy I feel towards those who got to have their mum there and don't even seem to realise how lucky they were, as of course they shouldn't have to. I don't have DC and frankly don't want them because of the unfairness of how everyone else gets a mum to help and guide them and I will have nobody. I guess I often just feel very alone but my self pity party isn't my most attractive feature. I often wonder who I would be if she'd lived.

Emerald5hamrock · 14/01/2022 18:02

No. I have a fear of leaving my DC before they're grown up.

I'm sorry you lost your DM very young, I can't imagine how devastating it was growing up.

I definitely want my DC to move on and embrace life.

Stilllivinginazoo · 14/01/2022 18:04

I lost my mum as a teen.i wasn't allowed to even mention her name in the house again as though she has never existed
I plodded on til I had my own children,then the can of worms opened..
What would she have thought of them?
My own relationship with her/them
My eldest two are now older than I was when I lost my mother

Did it shape me?I can't really say as I've never known any other way.

My "big one" is my youngest will be the same age as I was and I will be same as age as my mum was when she left me in just 3years.that gives me anxiety as I want to share weddings and babies and be a part of their lives for many years to come
I celebrated her birthday these last few years.she loved roses so I buy a bunch and one of the only memories I have of her is cutting them from the garden and popping in a vase

Like pp said she would want you to move forwards and be happy and I believe strongly in that and the faith we will meet again one day

MrsAmaretto · 14/01/2022 18:06

I was 10 when my dad died whom I was far closer to than my mum. It has affected me as I have had to deal with my mothers emotional shit for all that time and she never got over his death. She has very much been woe is me and got upset at every aspect of my life as my dad wasn’t there - major borthdays, graduation, wedding, my children etc. It’s been utterly exhausting and her inability to process her grief and then bitterness led me to dread all major milestones in my life. She has now died too and the freedom I feel is immense. Although I am sad she died and miss her, but we did not have a close mother-daughter relationship.

So no, having your closest parent die when you are young hasn't fucked me up as I’ve dealt with my grief. I am professionally achieving, have a good circle of friends, a good marriage and great kids. I do miss having parents and sometimes have the empty in the stomach feeling but I’m getting on with my life.

hivemindneeded · 14/01/2022 18:07

It is a tragedy and a massive injustice to lose a mother when you are that young.

But the list you wrote is idealised. My mum certainly didn't meet most of those milestones or show any interest in any of them.

This sounds harsh but I promise you it isn't - your life is only ruined for as long as you choose to frame it that way. It is a tragedy that you can't ever undo. But you cam focus on the good in your life, on the wealth of love and support from elsewhere. You can build a strong, loving network around you. Not that they ever replace your mum, but that you can appreciate and enjoy for its own sake, separate to the tragedy of losing her.

Most lives carry some tragedy or deep bitter disappointments. Many people have horrendous relationships with their parents. I think it's possible to find happiness and pursue it without ever diminishing the importance of your mum.

eagerlywaitingfor · 14/01/2022 18:09

My father died when I was 13.

It's shit. Has it affected my life in many negative ways? Yes of course it has, but I've taught myself to lock all those thoughts in a box in my head. They get an outing every so often, but I can't allow them to take over my life and destroy it. He wouldn't have wanted that to happen.

Spudina · 14/01/2022 18:09

I was 16 when my DM died. It has shaped my life. I didn’t grieve at the time as I was in the middle of my A levels, so for years I had protracted abnormal grief. I thought I would never be happy again. But on the whole, (despite some spells with depression) I am happy. I feel guilty that I don’t think about her more. My Dad banned talking about her as soon as he met my Stepmum (six months later) so we all kind of got out of the habit. I have found parenting without my Mum to be hard though. She would have loved my kids. But it’s difficult to think of what she would have made of my life.Also, when she died I was a typical 16 year old and we fell out a lot so that was hard to live with. The guilt over all the things I should have done differently was crushing. I’ve never had grief counselling but should have at the time tbh. I still get a bit jealous with my friends relationships with their Mums. (Not least the childcare!) Sorry this was just a brain dump. But I hear you OP it’s tough.
However, I was forced to be very independent and self sufficient after she died and I like to think that’s made me a stronger person. There has been the occasional upside.

speakout · 14/01/2022 18:10

I am sorry for your loss OP.
My mother is elderly and although around physically when was a teen was emotionally absent- and still is.
Disinterested in my life, no support when I was being bullied at school, left me with a legacy of low self esteem and wounds. Didn't attend my wedding, or my sister's, little interest in her grandchildren, ( who are now adults themselves)- never babysat, never took them out.
Different I know from an actual death, but still wounding.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/01/2022 18:12

I'm torn on replying to this.

If you're going to use it as hope that you can be happy; and there doesn't have to be a huge hole in your life - then yes, I lost both my parents at 12, and I'm okay. I'm happy. I can't say that I felt a massive hole when I bought a bra, or chose my wedding dress, or got married, or had my baby. It was never going to be a thing for us.

But if you're going to use it to beat yourself up; then remember that everyone is different. My family wasn't yours. People cope with things very differently.