To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

@Gymrats I know. This thread has actually helped. It's making me feel a bit more determined to try and deal with this as much as I can. I only ever usually talk to DH, or my therapist. I never talk about this with people IRL so this has been somewhat therapeutic!

So sorry you lost your mum young too OP. I was 17 when my mum died of cancer. I think has had a big impact on my life. I was in the middle of my A-levels when she died and I ended up failing all but one of them. My plans to go to university were scuppered. My life took a different (and not necessarily worse path) than I expected, as being bright it was always expected for me to go to uni.

When she died I was in the middle of my teenage rebellion stage and I always regret that we never got to reach that stage of being friends rather than constantly fighting each other. I am always envious of my friends that have close relationships with their mums.

I have attachment/abandonment issues in romantic relationships, which led to me deciding to stay single for the long term. I had my son by myself and I feel sad that she missed on being his nanny - she would have loved it!

The one thing that I am cross about, now that I'm older, is that no help was offered to me. I mean, surely the college I was attending should have reached out to me, or maybe my GP? But nobody did and I just had to get through it by myself. My dad didn't cope well and ended up turning to drink and wasn't really there to support me (other than providing a home which at least was something I guess). It actually makes me mad when I think about it now.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.
I’m not in the same position as you but a friend of mine lost her mum when she was just 15. She’s never got over it, thinks of her mum every single day.
If it happened to me now, I’d be a mess and I’m no teen.
Do what you can, don’t expect to ever get over it and be completely happy but try to live the best life that you can.

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

This is beautifully put ♥️

I lost my mum at 12. I knew she had cancer but never realised she would die until the day it happened. It’s definitely impacted me in certain ways. I have a lot of anxiety about loosing my loved ones. Particularly my children. I try to remain positive but I feel like I’m always pretending and hiding the fact I’m terrified I will get that feeling again.

I’m really sorry you lost your mum at such a young age. The only advice I can give is that she would have wanted you to be happy so as one of the other posters has said try and do it for her.

My best friend died when I was 14 and my mum when I was in my twenties. I’ve been through various anxieties over the years and worry far too much about my dds getting run over like my friend or me getting sick like my mum. I chose my wedding dress alone as I couldn’t bear to have anyone else with me, and when I got my first management role I would sit in my lovely office feeling hollow that I couldn’t share my success with her. She never met my kids but I make sure they know all about her and know her through memories.

I am now three years older than my mum was when she died and can say that for me it has gotten easier since passing that milestone.

I always used to take some time out a couple of days before Christmas to ‘open the box’ - be upset, reflect or whatever I needed at the time and then ‘shut the box’ again. On her milestone birthdays I’d play her favourite songs and let the mood take me. Then carry on again. That helped me to cope. This Christmas I noticed I didn’t really need that release time. It’s taken almost 25 years but it is a lot better now.

OP I could have written this post. I lost my mother when I was 16, I am 30 now. People say time is a great healer but not for me. I’ve found the older I’ve got the more it has affected me. I am constantly thinking about the what ifs. How my life would be so much different if she was here. I have no advice but please know you are not alone. I feel your pain.

Hey OP, I feel you. I lost my mum just out of my teens at 20 (and I was a young 20! Not mature and sophisticated). I wonder what my life would be like if it hadn’t happened, as I feel there’s no way I could have been the same person. My life is definitely divided into before and after, I feel like my childhood was ripped away, instead of the gradual transition to adulthood. I hate that I never had an adult relationship with her, never knew her as a person beyond ‘Mum’. She never saw me graduate, never met my wonderful DH, never saw me in a career I know she would have loved. I wonder sometimes if the reason I haven’t had children is because I couldn’t cope doing it on my own. It’s unfair and it sucks, but those are the cards that have been dealt. I think I am reasonably happy most of the time(shit tonnes of therapy and ADs have helped!). But there is always a gap. She is always in my dreams.

I would second the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman, though it is a tough read, dragging up a lot of feelings. I think especially a daughter losing a mother is a special kind of grief. My DH lost his mum at 16, and had to deal with his dad remarrying less than a year later, yet he is far less fucked up than me about it. I think he had a more healthy environment to grieve, which I certainly didn’t (my family were very ‘stiff upper lip’, plus my dad was an alcoholic, which imparted a different load of fucked upness ). Please be kind to yourself, you have suffered an immense loss. I hope you manage to find some healing eventually, sometimes it’s just a question of finding the right kind of therapy.

The one thing that I am cross about, now that I'm older, is that no help was offered to me. I mean, surely the college I was attending should have reached out to me, or maybe my GP @livingonpurpose shocking isn't it? Sounds like there are a fair few of us on this thread that didn't get any help. Blows your mind doesn't it? Where were the teachers, or GP like you said? No one stepped up. Even worse when family around you won't, or don't talk about the deceased.

I lost my Mum at 11 to cancer.
It’s ‘coloured’ my whole life but not ruined it.
It’s definitely trauma but I’ve never needed or wanted therapy so I think I’m lucky that way. It has however definitely affected the way I am. I hate being the centre of attention - like I was at her funeral. I hate sympathetic head tilts - like I saw repeatedly. I avoid medical treatment - as my childhood taught me it never ends well once you start. All irrational but that’s how it changed me.

I’ve since lost my Dad when I was mid 30’s and my much loved step mum in my 40’s. I have no grandparents still alive. I do sometimes wonder how my friends feel who still have parents and grandparents. It feels lonely. However, I would say that generally I’m happy. I’m an optimist. Im not depressed nor do I suffer from any MH issues that I can think of. It doesn’t take a lot to please me and I have a sense of inner peace and calm. I guess I’m saying it appears to be pure luck how it affects us.

not my mum, but lost my sister when she was 31.it still hurts now 20 years later, but be kind to yourself,i thought i was doing ok losing my dad last year but it keeps hitting me know a year on,little things set me off,talk about things think about things,try grief therapy not for every one

to everyone who lost their mums at such formative years. My situation is different in that I was twenties/thirties when I lost my parents, but there is a Facebook group called UK Motherless Daughters, (based on the Hope Edelman book) that I dip in and out of. It was a godsend when DD was a baby and I went to a couple of local meet ups, just to be around others who understood when everyone else seemed to have their mums supporting them.

Yes. I was 17 when my mum collapsed ( my father died when I was 6) and as a family ( I’m an only child but at the time had lots of support from the rest of the family) had to decide to turn her ventilator off after a couple of weeks. It’s 31 years on the 25th of this month since she died and it’s honestly still as painful as when it happened. Sending everyone who is struggling whatever the loss, lots of love and strength. 💐

@livingonpurpose your story is very similar to mine. My Mum went through months of cancer treatment I was awful to her. I just didn’t really grasp how sick she was. And when you are young people tell you reassuring things which is probably the last thing I needed. It tormented me for years. I’m now cancer nursing. It’s not been a conscious decision but sometimes I wonder if I’m trying to help other people through their cancer in the best way I can, to make amends.
My Dad moved on straight away and forbade us from taking about her. Now I think, WTAF?? Where was the help, the therapy or even just a conversation? He drank also. He would have died if he hadn’t met my Stepmum so I’m grateful for that now.
Sorry for the derail OP. I guess i needed the catharsis too!

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
I was a bit older when my dad, to whom I had my primary attachment, died, but my brother was the same age you were when you lost your mum.
He is an amazing young man, but he has suffered as a result, both with periods of depression as well as lot of anxiety. It's taken us the best part of 20 years to work through how what happened impacted on him, and support him with rebuilding his life and his sense of self.

I am so sorry. My father died when I was 22. It was extremely difficult for many years and I felt angry, bitter, jealous of those that had their fathers and my life was derailed for several years. I now feel very differently - I appreciate very much the time I did have with him and I will settle for a short time with a loving father rather than a lifetime with one that is not. I am a different person because I lost someone so significant at a relatively young age. I quickly learnt what was really important in life and what wasn't and I developed an empathy I did not have before. If anything goes wrong in life my measure is still 'is anyone dead?' And if they are not then I know I can get through it because I have survived worse. I actually take great comfort in knowing that if I were to die, my children would be ok and could go on to have happy lives just as I have. I am able to talk about death and grief freely and don't feel a need to avoid the subject as many do

@Mischance what a beautiful message. I’ll take a lot from that for one 💐

I’m so sorry, OP. What a horrendous, tragic experience you and your family suffered back then.

The only possibly helpful experience I can pass on is something that my mums cousin said to me after my mum died. I was in my late 30s with 3 very young children when my mum died. My dad had also died a short while before this (I had to shelve grieving for my dad when my mum became terminated ill). Anyway, my mums sister said to me that as my children get older, I would see my mum (and dad) in them. At the time, I thought that was too good to be true, but as they grew older I discovered it was true and she’d been right. My eldest dc has my mums humour. There are times when I almost feel that my mum is in the room when one of my 3 dc say something or do a particular thing that is reminiscent to me of my parents (which obviously comes from me via my parents. But I’m unaware of these small mannerisms and behaviours).

The fact is that we don’t ever recover from losing a loved one. Its always with us. I think that sadly it’s more of a taboo subject now than ever. which is completely ridiculous when we’ve come this far. After all, death is a part of life for us all. And you were so young and your mum sounds like a wonderful lady.

The thing I comfort myself with is knowing that everything my parents gave and taught me lives on in me and my children. Therefore, they’re always with me. The more I believe and feel this, the closer I feel they are to me. It is a huge loss, it definitely altered me and for over a decade I believed that I would never be happy again (and I was more than twice your age when they died). I think I’m probably still an anxious parent. I try to control it and hide it from my kids. I had some counselling, I’m not really sure it helped). I think my spiritual belief has helped me. It’s taken a long time. I started a new relationship recently and this has compelled me into living in the now and thinking more about the future. Before, I was very nostalgic and I lived in the past for a long time.

I’m sure that everybody here and people who know you in RL would like to sprinkle you in magic dust to make you feel better but no one can do that, sadly. Grief is the price we pay for love therefore clearly you loved your mum with all your heart. She was obviously a wonderful lady who’s extremely proud of you for sure.

I am so sorry you lost your mum so early OP. My DD lost her dad at 8 and I had previously worked with bereaved children and continue to work with children and young adults who suffer trauma/loss.

Being kind, people who have never experienced this directly just are unable to understand and buy into the narrative grief is linear and 'time heals'. When DH died I knew DD was too young to process her loss, she just froze, went to school, carried on. I also knew it would come out later when her little childhood brain could allow her to process it. She is a teenager now and amazing but I am so protective of her and angry that the assumption is you just 'get over it".

There will always be a massive hole in our lives, I find it difficult as an adult. DD gets very upset that she cannot remember her dad's voice-we all have very different accents- and some members of the family forget to include her or talk about her dad. You learn to live around grief, it does not end. As you mentioned in your OP- when you loose a parent or partner at a young age, it is the every day things that are lost. I have found this the hardest thing- you are forced into a life you do not want and nothing you can can change it, no control. Moving on we have found a life we can be happy in, but not the one we really want. All the best x

@redpandaalert Very true the aftercare is incredibly important and like you my teens and 20s were incredibly difficult, dropping out of University and having a breakdown with the pressure of just trying to keep going. I find CVs the hardest and meeting people because I don't want to have to explain I fucked up due to a bereavement in early childhood and I am sorry I haven't managed to achieve what I might have done because I hadn't really processed her death until my mid 30s.

As I said earlier, I am ok with this now and do give myself a lot of compassion.

@Mischance 'make her a part of it all in your heart' ❤ that's lovely

@Tempnamechange33
Do you have warm memories of people, things and events that helped you to heal?

Ah op, I just want to give you the biggest, longest hug, when I read how you saw your mum after she died my heart broke for you, you were still a child, such a brave one to go through that, with your sister alone.

Your mum sounds like she was an absolute trouper. Like she filled you so full of love that you are bound to feel empty without her. Don’t forget that your trauma is probably compounded by the fact that you had two losses one after the other, your brother, then your mum. I am guessing that your mum would have normally been the person to comfort you, in ordinary circumstances too. It must have been quite lonely, frightening and confusing for you.

Yes, your mum would want you to be happy and to move on, which mother wouldn’t. We are all different though and sometime, some days, the sadness and empty arms can hit us just that but harder. be gentle on yourself when that happens.

Do you ever talk about your DM with your sister? Does it bring you comfort?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my mum when I was 3 and then my dad when I was 22. It marks you forever and it's not something that you can explain to people in passing. I have a good life but also struggle with depression and low self esteem. I take a lot of comfort from talking to my sister - she is the only person who shares my memories. I hope that you have a sibling or other family to talk to - it's a great comfort. X