To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

Only you can say if it’s been ruined, some might say ruined is a bit much but certainly her death has cast a long shadow.

[quote Spudina]@crazycatladyx sorry to hear that. I honestly think the care for people who are grieving is much better now than it was in the 90s when I lost my DM. We understand mental health so much better. I see several of us have similar stories of not being allowed to discuss our loved ones when they died. That added an extra level of pain. It sounds blasé but being allowed to talk about someone and making the time to do that genuinely helps to keep their memory alive (as proven by research) so that’s something you could discuss. It’s really important that you grieve properly, at the time and not try and put it off till a more convenient time. I later discovered. Good luck to you. Sorry I can’t think of more right now. Xx[/quote]
Yes this is true. The grief of the adults was prioritised - the children involved were not considered to have any grief at all - and were expected to keep well under the radar and not being any more disturbance to the surviving spouse.

So all of the child’s grief is blocked - unprocessed, unresolved, repressed. No comfort or care just a clip round the ear or guilt tripping by teachers or family if you dared step out of line - or even behaved as a normal child and made noise which might antagonise the fragile and volatile remaining parent. The loss of a parent is traumatic - the actions of society / other adults can also be relentlessly traumatic

@Fcuk38
Sorry for your loss.
I’m in the same position. Also agree with your comment about the fucked up ness.
My husband died suddenly 4 years ago when my girls were 6 and 9.
After initially spiralling my mission is to counter the fuckedupness as much as possible and give them the best parenting and life chances I can.
They’re now 13 and 10. How old are yours now ? How are they doing?
Sorry to hijack/derail. Can switch to pm etc. Cheers.

My cousin lost her mum at that age too.
The circumstances were less than ideal as they were abroad, the only place she ever knew, but her dad had to move back to our home country with her just after her mum’s death.
Then her dad really really struggled MH wise (was diagnosed schizophrenic) and she ended up being his carer.

She was only 13yo but at that point, she asked for help saying she couldn’t look after him and wanted to go live with a relative. She ended up living with our aunt.

She is now 32yo, has a child and would say she is happy.
She mentions how much she misses her mum, especially around Mother’s Day. But she also says she has a happy life.

This really should be in Classics. Grief affects so many, in so many ways, and there are many beautiful words here.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

I lost my dad in my mid teens. I think someone said something similar upthread but I took a decision at the time to just accept it and never consider the possibility that things might have been different, because they couldn’t. Life just changed that day in a very final way. I feel like dwelling on how things might have been if he was still around for various milestones would have made me feel worse. I do think along those lines from time to time obviously, but I try not to make a habit of it.

I am a couple of years off the age she was when she died. maybe when I pass that I will feel a bit better.

This really jumped out at me because I read this book Motherless Mothers or something (I will look after I write this and check - I found it a very helpful read and I normally despise any sort of self help book) and one thing it said was basically: expect things to be bad at the age your Mum was when she died, and expect things to be bad when your DC are the age you were when your Mum died. The latter is definitely proving true for me - I’m still a long way off the former as my Mum was quite a bit older when she had me than I was when I had my DC.

@crazycatladyx I’m so sorry. A couple of things. Access to good counselling and support for the kids is so important. There’s a wonderful child bereavement charity where I live and they organise days out and activity days for bereaved kids. I would have loved that. I didn’t know anyone else who didn’t have two parents. Now as an adult I’ve met lots of people who lost a parent as a child and we have an immediate bond. That would have been amazing as a (very, very sad) teenager.
Also, write them letters to be opened later. Make them voice recordings. I have very few things left from my childhood, partly because of Dad’s sudden death and the need to clear the house out quickly, and I can’t tell you how precious every scrap of paper I have with my Mum’s handwriting on is.

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

Nobody has said it better than this.

@aweebitlost is it Motherless Daughters? My DH has just finished reading that. I haven't been able to bring myself to yet.

@flippertyop

I am not in your position but I do think at that age it would probably have a bigger impact than at most other times in your life

This is exactly what I was thinking too.

OP, I don’t know the answers to your questions. I was lucky enough to have my mum until I was 35. Losing her then was hard enough but I had had the joy and privilege of sharing important life stages and milestones with her.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. The thought of any child or teenager losing their mother is just heartbreaking.

Hi OP, I lost my mum when I was a few years younger than you. In some ways it made me very resilient but it has undermined me in others. As a young adult I felt that I had done well despite her death but as I get older I see that's not really true and that I have a lot of unresolved issues which I increasingly feel that counselling might help with.

@crazycatladyx I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You asked what you can do to help your children. This is only my experience and maybe it's not the type of suggestions you're looking for, but when I find things like old letters my mum wrote, or items she used regularly, it fills me with a weird happiness - because it's something tangible she touched or created that I now have in my possession. It bridges the gap between her dying and me still being here, if that makes sense

Having lost my mother as a two year old, I can totally empathise with your situation. There is a huge whole which just can’t be filled.

Is your dad supportive. Are you allowed to mention your mum and brother. I hope you have lots of photos and memories of your mum to look back on.

@Stilllivinginazoo my experience was very similar. My bastard of a father remarried within the year to an absolute witch. They were both physically and emotionally abusive. I thought I was dealing with it ok but then when I had my first child it seems to hit me like a brick. I had counselling which helped but I’ve found it impossible to forgive my father and step mother for their cruelty.

@applejack18 @Fcuk38 can I just say how sorry I am to you both. And also, I had no one to talk to (as it sounds like happened to a lot of people on this thread) And my dad basically disappeared, he was a shit parent after. I think those are the two things that left such devastating marks. It doesn't sound like either of those things would be the case here

I lost mum mum at age 11. Having children helped me so much my teens and twenties were very hard. My dad offered zero emotional support and never talked about mother after she died. My mum would have wanted me to be happy and this is what you need to tell yourself live the life your mother never had a chance to live. It’s over shadowed my life. myself and my sibling have suffered a lot from depression but I’ve managed to carve a life for myself but my brother could not. I don’t think it needs to ruin your life but I think how you are supported in the years following the death of your parent is very important and is more of a deciding factor.

@Pedalpushers

‘ part I really don't like about myself is the bitterness and jealousy I feel towards those who got to have their mum there and don't even seem to realise how lucky they were, as of course they shouldn't have to. I don't have DC and frankly don't want them because of the unfairness of how everyone else gets a mum to help and guide them and I will have nobody. I guess I often just feel very alone but my self pity party isn't my most attractive feature. I often wonder who I would be if she'd lived.’

And @Tempnamechange33.

You both need to expand or reframe your view, and maybe it would help you if you did.

Yes some people have wonderful supportive mothers who say and do exactly the right supportive things through the (milestone’s of) their adult lives.

But many people don’t. Actually I’d say most people don’t. The reality of having a mother as an adult is much more mixed for most people.

My mum is still alive but I wouldn’t describe her role in my becoming a parent as ‘help and guidance’.

I had a rocky road to having my children (struggles to get pregnant, multiple miscarriages, Ivf).

My mother knows nothing about it.

Likewise at a low point shortly before one of my children was born I cried to the support for myself I was paying for about how alone I felt and missed my mum, as I came to terms with a delivery being imposed on me, as my actual loving mother was unable to support me the way I needed.

My mum has her own stuff going on that meant she was not only unable to support me at these points but if I’d involved her would have made it both worse for me, and all about her.

Luckily I’d come to terms with that and put in the boundaries with her and alternative I support I needed to get through.

And overall I’d say my mum is pretty normal. Not amazing, not abusive as many many mumsnetters have had to survive.

Yes she loves me. Yes its lovely to see my kids have fun with her (zero practical parenting support from her though).

She’s also needy, self centred, and ruled by anxieties which she seeks to impose on others. Especially me. She’s often very hard work.

You’re both mourning a mythical idea of a perfect mother. And dismissing others’ stories as ‘they don’t know how lucky they are’.

It’s giving excessive weight to one (yes, very hard, and very impactful) event.

That’s a pattern of thinking that isn’t serving you.

What if you focused on, ‘this is the hand that I was dealt, and it’s been very tough and was very unfair, but I’m going to make the best of it, and make her proud’?

What would you do then?

[quote Tempnamechange33]@aweebitlost is it Motherless Daughters? My DH has just finished reading that. I haven't been able to bring myself to yet.[/quote]
Maybe try audio - tiny steps - 5 minutes a day.

Is your dad supportive. Are you allowed to mention your mum and brother. I hope you have lots of photos and memories of your mum to look back on

They were divorced at this point. He was re-married (although they also got divorced a year or so after my DM died [hmm) I have a very strained relationship with him.

Lucky for me my mum was an excellent record keeper! I have lots of photos and several videos of her, baby books of mine filled out and cards she kept for me from her and to her from me when I was little.

I am sorry.

My friend lost her mum at 19 and I think she would agree that she feels the same as you.
It has affected her throughout her life and it's never got easier as time has gone on (she's mid 40's).

YANBU.
I can't speak from experience but my husband lost his mum when he was 11.
It definitely affected his life.
He's happy now with me n kids but certainly moments of inherent sadness 😞

I don’t think it needs to ruin your life but I think how you are supported in the years following the death of your parent is very important and is more of a deciding factor

@redpandaalert

SO true

Hi OP, it’s Motherless Mothers but it’s by the same person who wrote Motherless Daughters, I imagine that is good too. The Motherless Mothers one probably just has more of a focus on parenting and that specific side of grief. It was hard reading but helped me so much because I just couldn’t understand why I was feeling all this renewed grief after many years of it being way, way below the surface. And it was incredibly reassuring to be told that grief is a lifelong process, and it will flare up again and again and again, and that’s okay. That’s normal. Stupid as it sounds, I didn’t know that.

@Catsstillrock I know not everyone has a great relationship with their mum. My DH's mum is so awful we've gone NC ( and I DESPERATELY wanted a good relationship with my MIL!!!) But my relationship with my mum WAS good. She was lovely. So of course I can be sad about what we missed out on because I think she would have been there for me and we would have continued being close. Not that I will ever know...

You’re both mourning a mythical idea of a perfect mother. And dismissing others’ stories as ‘they don’t know how lucky they are’ I've not once said this and you wouldn't hear anything like this come out my mouth! However, as for dismissing stories, yes I may be. But that's because I don't want to hear how 'Well, you say all these things you are missing out on, but not everyone gets that anyway' now that's not helpful at all.

She would want you to move on now and be happy, you have mourned for far too long!

I always say to my kids it’s not when you die, it’s those that are left still standing afterwards that feel it, not the actual person who has died.

It’s ok to be sad, but not to the point where it affects your life negatively, that’s not ok, she wouldn’t want that.

@ESGdance thank you that's a good idea. I really want to read it!

@aweebitlost I didn't realise there was another one, I will have to tell DH as he is so interested in all the psychology behind the way I am. The stories in motherless daughters helped him see things from my point of view. They made him very sad though!

@Tempnamechange33
I lost my mother as a toddler and it definitely has affected my life adversely-
Mum was very ill as well ,and spent time in hospitals..
I was told that young kids can’t “Grieve” properly, and it causes huge problems later on
Attachment disorder and other nasties.

I know people who lost a parent to death, and it definitely has a blighting effect.

Nowadays, I think ill parents do things like “ Memory boxes” - but if a death is sudden, there is no time to be prepared.

It’s not ideal to lose a parent in childhood.