Page 2 | To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

Tempnamechange33 · 2022-01-14T17:39:14+00:00

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged. She wasn't around when I bought my first bra. She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's. She wasn't around when I had my first kiss. She never met my husband. She wasn't at my wedding. She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on. Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me. She died along with my baby brother. I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy. I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right? Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

Interrobanger · 14/01/2022 18:12

My mother was a drug addict almost all my life and eventually died from an overdose when I was 19. She was a ‘middle class’ addict. We had a nice big home, nice car, I went to a good school. All of which meant that absolutely no one noticed what was going on, because we didn’t tick the boxes for ‘that kind of family’. As a result my teen years were lonely, riddled with shame of the secrecy of my mum’s addiction, I was completely let down by all the systems and structures in place that were supposed to support me. Including my dad, tbh.

I know exactly what you mean OP about her not being there for all the milestone moments. My children have no real concept of who she was. She’s just a photograph on a mantelpiece.

For a long time after she dies I was not living my best life. I wasn’t thriving, I was functioning. I was traumatised and that trauma touched everything - my job, my relationships, how I felt about myself. So many opportunities not taken. So much time wasted in crap relationships. So much fear keeping me stuck.

I had a lot of therapy. I decided I just could not let this one thing define everything about me and my life. I was sick of being the sad victim - someone who had something awful happen to them and who was to be pitied. I was bored of pitying myself. I just got sick of it. My life is about so much more than that. I think the shift in mindset really helped unstick me.

I still definitely have ‘what could have been’ moments. Where I wonder what life might have been like for me if I hadn’t been traumatised - what kind of job would I have had? What kind of uni might I have gone to? What if, what if, what if…?

But the truth is that my life is a actually very good now. I have a good career. I have a great DH. I have beautiful healthy children. I have a lovely home. I have prospects.

I also have a big ‘mum’ shaped hole in my soul that will never be filled, but I have more good things than bad things. More to be thankful for than bitter about.

Stick with the therapy.

RestingStitchFace · 14/01/2022 18:13

Lost my Dad in a road accident when I was 17. He was in his early 40's and died instantly - there one minute, then gone the next.

I wouldn't go as far as to say it ruined my life. I have a lovely DH and DS and I'm blessed to have them. But I do agree you never fully recover from someone like that. Depression has dogged me on and off over the years although I'm fine at the moment. But there's a deep-seated feeling of sadness and insecurity that never quite leaves me. I'm always half-expecting the next catastrophe. I spend a lot of time think about mortality and worrying about anything happening to loved ones or me dying young and leaving DS without a mother. I'm very risk averse as a result.

HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 18:13

@Pedalpushers

I was the same age and for a very long time it defined who I was. I'm now in my 30s and while milestones are still difficult I find myself moving forwards, but yes, it's a huge part of me. A part I really don't like about myself is the bitterness and jealousy I feel towards those who got to have their mum there and don't even seem to realise how lucky they were, as of course they shouldn't have to. I don't have DC and frankly don't want them because of the unfairness of how everyone else gets a mum to help and guide them and I will have nobody. I guess I often just feel very alone but my self pity party isn't my most attractive feature. I often wonder who I would be if she'd lived.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. You might find that having children is very healing.

RestingStitchFace · 14/01/2022 18:15

@Interrobanger
For a long time after she dies I was not living my best life. I wasn’t thriving, I was functioning. I was traumatised and that trauma touched everything - my job, my relationships, how I felt about myself. So many opportunities not taken. So much time wasted in crap relationships. So much fear keeping me stuck.

This absolutely nails it. This was exactly me for about 10 years.

Grazyna80 · 14/01/2022 18:15

Sorry OP. I’ve lost my dad at 9 . It truly sucks. I always missed him , and was jealous of other girls nice dads ,and relationships they had . It’s so unfair.

Interrobanger · 14/01/2022 18:17

Also, I forgot to say that if I’m completely honest with myself, for a long time I used my mum’s death as an excuse for why I felt like I could ‘opt out’ of certain aspects of life. Failed my module at uni? Well my mum is dead. Got fired from that waitress job? My mum died. Claiming JSA and can’t be arsed to leave the sofa? My mum died. Etc, etc.

Eventually I just got sick of being a victim and decided to control the narrative instead of letting it control me.

WonderfulYou · 14/01/2022 18:20

It’s impossible to say.

If your mum was still around you may not have met your husband, had the same career, lived where you live etc.

Of course your mum dying will have a massive impact on you but you can choose how you see your life - yes as you say you did all the above without your mum but say it again in a positive way, you did all of these things without your mum - you should be (and I’m sure she will be) very proud!!

Merryoldgoat · 14/01/2022 18:20

I was in my late teens. My sisters were 5 & 12.

It was terrible, tragic, traumatising and it will never be ‘ok’ but I am happy and know she’d be glad I am.

You owe it to yourself to move on and live with the grief, don’t surrender yourself to it.

rainyskylight · 14/01/2022 18:20

This is going to come across really badly - but meanwhile on another thread the majority of responders are saying that 45 is the latest age a woman should have a first child.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost her mum aged 17 and it has shaped so much of her life. I lost my dad aged 31 and that was bad enough.

RRBB1920 · 14/01/2022 18:22

Well not me but my mum lost her mum at 5. Still misses her at 78 but has lived an ok life since. Brilliant mum to me and a great Nana to my very young child. You never forget or get over it.

MrsWooster · 14/01/2022 18:22

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

Thank you for this post, Mischance It feels incredibly wise and compassionate , for those who are left behind AND for those who may have to leave.

1984Winston · 14/01/2022 18:24

I lost my mum suddenly on my 17th birthday, it was awful and definitely had an impact but she didn't choose to leave me and I know she loved me. Being tossed aside by my dad afterwards is what messed me up. I barely talk about my mum 20 years on but I think about her a lot and I do envy people that have parents

HugeBowlofChips · 14/01/2022 18:24

My Dad died when I was 8, and in traumatic circumstances. He was in his early 30s.

It deeply impacted my life, and I was pretty much a mess even through my 20s. When I became a mother in my 30s, not much younger than my Dad was when he died, my life changed massively for the better. It made me feel stronger.

When my Dad's brother died recently I was a mess again though. My daughter was the same age I was when my Dad died, and it made me realise how small and vulnerable I was and how aged 8 I had understood nothing about the world. So even though I think I am over the darkest grief, that pain is still there, somewhere.

I am thinking of you.

NotSoJollyChristmas · 14/01/2022 18:26

OP I lost my mum when I was 11, it has completely changed the way I experience different things in life. I cried for her whilst giving birth to dd, I had to leave my wedding reception for a bit due to the dd accidentally playing a song that was at her funeral. I completely understand how you feel. I’m still only young and always get asked by new colleagues/ friends how my mum reacted to my pregnancy/marriage and it really does bring up all the emotions again

BrambleRoses · 14/01/2022 18:26

I was sixteen, and I found what happened afterwards harder. I pretty much lost my dad as well.

I worry a lot about dying and leaving DS!

NotSoJollyChristmas · 14/01/2022 18:27

Dj*

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/01/2022 18:27

Could I recommend listening to Griefcast? Comedians talking about grief. I find it quite therapeutic - like having a conversation with mates who really get it, and it is also quite funny. Some of them lost parents quite young - the host lost her dad when she was 15.

SpinsForGin · 14/01/2022 18:29

Eventually I just got sick of being a victim and decided to control the narrative instead of letting it control me.

This is a really good way of looking at it.
I lost my mum in very tragic circumstances in my early 20's.
It has ruined my brothers life. 16 years later and he's still a mess.... he struggles to keep a job, had been in prison and had issues with anger, drugs and alcohol.

I refused to let it ruin my life. It taught me that life is short and I intended to to make the most of it.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my my moments and I found it very hard when I had DS because I know they would have loved each other. But I'm determined not to look back at my life and have that terrible incident define my life.

NickiMinajerie · 14/01/2022 18:29

@mischance Please adopt me. Lovely message

ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 18:29

@Tempnamechange33re my feelings of loss.. and considered whether I have depression....

@Tempnamechange33... I am not going to make any suggestions but I am going to send you love.

hiredandsqueak · 14/01/2022 18:30

I lost my Mum as a teen, I would say that life would have been different had she lived. I loved df dearly but he moved in his new woman after eighteen months and we were no longer his priority so it felt as though we had lost both parents.
It has affected everything, I was hugely protective of my children always worried I would lose them. My own children are now adults, I have no idea how to be mum to adults as I didn't have one so I always feel like I'm winging it and question myself repeatedly as does my dsis who was only eleven when dm died.
I'm mid fifties now and the people I went to school with are now losing their parents and it so difficult not to feel cheated and resentful. It's an awful club to be a member of OP

Smartybartfast · 14/01/2022 18:30

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

This is such a fantastically wise and warm comment. Brilliant advice. Thank you.

Superhanz · 14/01/2022 18:30

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

This is a beautiful message and it's very true. Being happy is all we want for our DC.

ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 18:31

Strange... managed to lose half my post. Maybe that’s for the best.

Bluetrews25 · 14/01/2022 18:33

Some lovely posts on here, Mischance particularly.
I lost a parent when I was 21. Never met my DH or my or my DSis's DCs.
It had an effect, but it did not ruin my life, no.

You can't change the situation, you can only change your reaction to it.
Can you choose to live more like a happier person would?
to all.