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Original poster

To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

347 replies

Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 17:39

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:12

@crazycatladyx I'm so very sorry Flowers

She didn't know she was going to die, so I suppose not. If I am really honest what would have helped is my dad or another member of the family arranging therapy for me, it was so needed at the time rather than festering until adulthood! My dad basically abandoned me and my sister when we were 16/17 so we were just really alone.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/01/2022 19:13

Whenever I talk about this with DH he says I can't think about what would have been because I wouldn't have met him or had the DC, which is true

I think you can think what you need to think. Mourning the future/present is as important as mourning the past.

I wonder if your Dh lost a parent at an early age?

Darker · 14/01/2022 19:14

I think the deeper sorrow is that when you lose a parent so young you have not really ‘met’ them or got to know them. Not the way I see other people getting to know their parents, as allies, as confidantes, as friends. As grown ups. Other people - older relations, family friends - will talk about them in ways you never can because you never had that.

RedHelenB · 14/01/2022 19:14

@Tempnamechange33

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

You are a mother. You know if anything happened to you you'd want your children to be happy. It doesn't have to ruin your life, you'll always miss her, especially for major life events but enjoy your memories, some people never have them.
Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:15

@comedycook agree it is so much better nowadays which I am pleased about. It's so hard when you have no one to talk to. I remember having to go back to school and everyone just staring. I couldn't stop crying.

And then teachers would forget and go round the class asking who made Christmas dinner, mum or dad. That absolute red hot embarrassment as it got to my turn and saying my dad. And the teacher saying oh how unusual and me wanting to die in my seat

OP posts:
EmergencyPoncho · 14/01/2022 19:15

That's lovely Mischance and OP, I'm really sorry.

Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:16

So sorry everyone this is such a wallowing self pitying thread.

Flowers to everyone who has been through anything similar or anything bad at all

OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 14/01/2022 19:17

Eventually I just got sick of being a victim and decided to control the narrative instead of letting it control me.

^I sometimes do this. I don't know how to stop.^
Try letting go of the pain. You were hurt, vulnerable and a victim in a way, something precious was taking from you.
However it becomes a shield for protection of vulnerability, keeping you in the mind of a teenager.

ESGdance · 14/01/2022 19:17

That’s a really shocking series of events - trauma on trauma in trauma - compounding your grief - I don’t know how you got out of the shock stage - you must have been reverberating for years.

It seems that you have achieved a very successful life and maybe all of the therapies got you through different stages to remain functional and maybe your expectations to be free of pain 100% is not realistic?

Maybe hold on to some self compassion. Yes you have had a really really shocking and dreadful experience that has shadowed your life. It has made your life hard, tough, relentless at times.

The only thing I would add to @Mischance’s beautiful post is do it for your DCs as well - don’t let this be an intergenerational trauma. Be open with your DCs that some times you struggle or are sad - don’t repress your grief and let it seep out through their childhoods in anger or anxiety that will leave them confused and absorbing it.

Maybe have a look at The Child Bereavement Trust (they also work with adults who lost a parent as a child).

I lost my Dad at 6. This was not the trauma of my life - it was my mother who then became so mentally unstable that I effectively lost two parents because she wasn’t functional and I ended up being a parentified child to my younger siblings so lost my childhood.

I wish you warmth and comfort and healing.

Spudina · 14/01/2022 19:17

I totally get the health anxiety. My DM died when she was 44 and I turn 44 this year. The truth is, I’ve never expected to live longer than she did so I feel that my time is up. I ruined a perfectly good birthday a couple of years ago feeling ill with anxiety and thinking I was dying. DH tried to cancel our plans I and I remember saying “I’m not cancelling, this is my last birthday.” It’s been there for the past couple of Christmas’s as well.
I always think I have cancer. I think about it almost non stop. I was shouted at about it by a colleague this week. That’s outing but fuck it. And even if it’s not me, I expect something bad to happen to my family.Because it always does eventually, it’s been a while since a bad event so it must be due. Sending best wishes. You are not alone.

Comedycook · 14/01/2022 19:17

[quote Tempnamechange33]@comedycook agree it is so much better nowadays which I am pleased about. It's so hard when you have no one to talk to. I remember having to go back to school and everyone just staring. I couldn't stop crying.

And then teachers would forget and go round the class asking who made Christmas dinner, mum or dad. That absolute red hot embarrassment as it got to my turn and saying my dad. And the teacher saying oh how unusual and me wanting to die in my seat[/quote]
It's shocking how inconsiderate some teachers were. I remember another girl in school lost her mum years before I did when she was 8/9. It was mother days and the whole class made mothers Day cards and the teacher told her to make one for her dad. Even as a child, I thought it was an awful thing to do.

Gingerkittykat · 14/01/2022 19:18

I lost my mum when I was 18 and my sister was 14 and it was truly devastating and has shaped my life. We both went off the rails and got in a lot of trouble but have gone on to live good lives.

The grief has never gone away completely, there are a few occasions where it can be consuming but for the most part, it's something I cope with.

I reached the age my mum died earlier this year and had some therapy to deal with it.

I wish I had some practical advice to help you overcome your grief, it just lessened over the years, apart from the therapy earlier this year I didn't need professional help.

Comedycook · 14/01/2022 19:19

I've also been absolutely convinced I will
die young too so I've never done any forward planning...I don't have a pension as I have always assumed I won't live that long

Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:20

I know someone who lost their Mum at the same age, and I would say it has ruined her life because it was the main thing that lead to the mental health issues that have never gone away, despite trying everything

This is me. It's not like I'm actively grieving my mum all the time. But I have depression, anxiety, healthy anxiety, trauma and OCD. Can't get past them!

OP posts:
elelel · 14/01/2022 19:21

I know people are saying that there are no guarantees of how our relationship would have been or if she would have been there for those things I listed, but she was my best friend.

Hang on to that. My mother is alive and i could have written your OP. It sounds like you had a good mum and that's something to cherish. She would have been there for you and it's not fair that she isn't, but you can try to take control of what happens next. You sound like you hurt so much and you have resigned yourself to that. It really doesn't have to be like that forever. I wasn't going to reply and I have come back several times to work out how to post without coming across badly, I don't know if I am managing but please don't take this badly.

Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:22

However it becomes a shield for protection of vulnerability, keeping you in the mind of a teenager.

@Emerald5hamrock very true - I have been told by therapists it's common to get 'stuck' at the age of loss!

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 14/01/2022 19:23

I've got to say I relate to the health anxiety. I was always convinced I would die at the same age as she did so this year has been hard.

I've convinced myself I have heart failure and several types of cancer. It didn't help I needed investigated by gynae for abnormal bleeding but got the letter with the all clear from my biopsy this week.

I really hope this horrible anxiety goes away.

Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:23

@ESGdance thank you so much and I will have a look at that

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:24

@Spudina completely and utterly relate to everything you said there Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:24

@Comedycook that's so sad, so dismissive Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamechange33 · 14/01/2022 19:26

@elelel your post didn't come across badly, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you xx

OP posts:
KloppsTeeth · 14/01/2022 19:27

I lost my Dad at 17. It has had a profound impact on my life, I have long term depression, anxiety and hyper vigilence at times.
I miss my Dad all the time. My life would’ve been very different if he had lived. I also have had to be sole carer for my Mum for the past 25 years, as she has never got over it, and has PTSD.
I hope there is a multiverse out there and we are all having a much better life.

stairgates · 14/01/2022 19:27

@Interrobanger

Also, I forgot to say that if I’m completely honest with myself, for a long time I used my mum’s death as an excuse for why I felt like I could ‘opt out’ of certain aspects of life. Failed my module at uni? Well my mum is dead. Got fired from that waitress job? My mum died. Claiming JSA and can’t be arsed to leave the sofa? My mum died. Etc, etc.

Eventually I just got sick of being a victim and decided to control the narrative instead of letting it control me.

I'm glad you posted this @Interrobanger as I felt bad thinking I was a bit of an odd ball but this was me too. I could play the card whenever it was needed. Lost my mum at 13, cancer. I dont know if I knew I was purposefully doing it but one day at about 25 my lovely blunt as a hammer DH said to me after another outburst 'When are you gonna stop milking it' and I realised that tbh I was! and though it is still sad to think of all the things you mentioned I had come to terms with the loss and it had become disrespectful to my mum to still be throwing it out there as a weapon against people, as a child I used it as a shield.
Spudina · 14/01/2022 19:30

@crazycatladyx sorry to hear that. I honestly think the care for people who are grieving is much better now than it was in the 90s when I lost my DM. We understand mental health so much better. I see several of us have similar stories of not being allowed to discuss our loved ones when they died. That added an extra level of pain. It sounds blasé but being allowed to talk about someone and making the time to do that genuinely helps to keep their memory alive (as proven by research) so that’s something you could discuss. It’s really important that you grieve properly, at the time and not try and put it off till a more convenient time. I later discovered. Good luck to you. Sorry I can’t think of more right now. Xx

TankFlyBoss · 14/01/2022 19:32

@Mischance
That is a lovely message and made me feel emotional. Very powerful words there.

Op I lost my mum at 23 and feel that it has not necessarily destroyed my life but it has divided it in two. Everything became before and after. I feel the same as you about husband, wedding, children. I miss her terribly and if I think about the reality of never seeing her again, I actually feel dizzy and have to stop.

I carry on one day at a time.

Being a mum has helped enormously, and also made the loss more enormous, all at the same time.

I send you love. It's hard and you will never get over it... maybe just past it. And I agree with everything @Mischance has said.

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