To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

I lost my mum at 12 to a car crash. Had a policeman meet me at my house on mybway back from high school to inform me. Had to move from Scotland to England to live with my dad who had remarried. I don't let it control my life. I'm 40 now and I definitely have sad koments thinking about all the things you said and especially now my daughter is 11. My dad died when I was 22 and I do have very sad moments of being alone and having no one of my own to share things with but you are missing your own life if you allow it to control everything

Thank you for all of the lovely comments. Apologies to the OP for derailing a bit.

It's been a tough chemo week and this is the first time I've logged back on. I've made a note of all of your suggestions so I can plan for then when I'm gone.

CrazyCatLady.

Something that popped up elsewhere

Why do all those platitudes about loss feel so bad?⁣ Because there's always a 2nd half of the sentence that isn't said out loud, but is very clearly implied to the grieving person. That 2nd half of the sentence tells them to stop feeling the way that they're feeling right now. (Megan Devine)

People are where they are. If a huge loss in childhood is still causing pain years later then that’s how it is for them.

I was so sorry to read this post OP

I think @Mischance replied the most beautiful way that you're mum will have wanted you to be happy and to know how much she loved you.

Please don't feel you'll never be happy as you describe being so happy with your lovely DH and DCs, home and life in so many ways. It will be ok to let go of the pain - let it become peace and memories- and I hope you can find a way to. They deserve a happy (not a haunted) mum too. I hope you find ways to celebrate the memories you do have of your best friend lovely mum.

Faith or some type of belief that she's still with you around you, may help, in those little moments where the sun shines through the trees, you hear a bird or something feels a little bit magical. Maybe that's her with you. I feel it (my sister died) and believe she's here in my darkest moments or my happy moments- watching and laughing with me. I hope you find that peace.

My aunt sent me this. It may help possibly?

The death of a parent affects people in many different ways and the reasons for the death plays a huge part. I thinkI it also depends on the ages of the children,

My fathers death (suicide) has affected my brother so much he started drinking and as a result has to lost everything , his wife threw him out(thankfully cause she’s a bitch and half his problems) she won’t allow their adult children to speak to him, he lost his job, tried to commit suicide, lives in a homeless flat and has a social worker and addiction worker supporting him,

Me , yes it’s affected my life growing up I find it hard to trust people and to let my guard down however I don’t let it rule my life, I’m wanting my children to have a better child hood than I had to have more opportunities and will do anything to create those memories, I’m not wasting my life for anyone!

OP I know you've had counselling and tried everything to come to terms with the devastating loss of your lovely mum so young at 14. And all the things you and she missed out on sharing.

That's anger and it's really ok to be angry and to rage sometimes. Please let it out with a good friends - one/s that you trust to listen quietly and just be supportive but not try to fix you. You'll know who you trust to be calm and peacefully kind.

The more you let that anger out and blow it away from you (don't spiral it and keep it sucked in), the less it knots you up inside. Did any of the grief counsellors talk to you about how to do this?

I wrote angry letters and burnt them gleefully in a garden fire, smashed plates in the garden (when DCs not around) blowing out the anger. I went somewhere (up a hill in woodland) away from everyone where I couldn't be heard with one friend and we both shouted into the wind and snottily cried in rage. I found out how many swear words I have inside. But it felt so good afterwards to find a safe way to let out some of the anger. Even years later I still have a moment where I have to let it out again. Then I do something peaceful afterwards, special to celebrate my Dsis quietly, like light candle listen to music and make something.

I don't know if any of that will help you. But your list of things you missed together as she'd gone, felt so familiar and I think it's those heavy emotional thoughts that need an outlet. Take time for yourself to have outlets to grieve. I hope you find a way forward in all of this.

@Ikeptgoing Thank you for that post. It’s one of the most helpful ones I’ve ever read on MN.

Loosing a parent is literally life changing.

You have to mourn the person you loved most in the world and the life you would have had if they hadn't died.

Every time you experience a life event, you think of everything that was cruelly taken from you.

There is a quote from Buddha which says: "Gracefully let go of the things which weren't for you."

Not the same, but my parents didn't love me and I have tried to accept that being loved as a child wasn't my path and put my energy into the here and now.

I have done myself a memory box (mostly things from adulthood) so I feel I can 'own' my past and let somebody the bad stuff go.

I'm so sorry you have had such unimaginable pain in your life.

I lost my dad when I was 11. He died at home, in front of me and my 13 year old brother (we've never had any type of therapy, or really talked much about it other than to agree that there wasn't anything either of us could have done to save him)

It has had a massively negative impact on my life. As I imagine it would if I'd lost my mum instead

He never got to help me with homework (he was exceptionally clever and I KNOW I'd have done better in school with his help and therefore better in my career), he never got to teach me to drive, or walk me down the aisle, or meet my DD. Each of these things continues to pain me, and 26 years later I'm still, if not more so, devastated at what I lost and what could have been

BUT, it definitely brought me, my mum and my brothers closer as a family, which I don't think would have happened had we not lost dad

It's hard @Tempnamechange33 not to feel wronged and angry and sad but we can't change what happened, we just have to try and get on with our lives and make them proud of the people we've become

@Tempnamechange33

Any parent would want to die before their own children. That’s the outlook that I have on it. Both my parents lost their dad as children not even teenagers. I don’t know anything about their dads but considering their mums didn’t work I can imagine how awful it was for them. My mums dad was soo young around 34. Around nearly 3 years ago my cousin unexpectedly died aged 33. Not only did my aunt lose her dad as a young child, her brother in his 40s but her son even younger. She now lives alone back in our home country and her husband died last year. Her other son lives over here in the UK ….so completely alone.

I’m not dismissing peoples grief of losing a parent and it’s awful when you are so young. But the grief is so unimaginable when it’s your own child that’s died you would rather it was you. The death of my cousin has really shocked me and I keep thinking of my poor aunt.

You have to think your mother would want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest. She is with you every step of the way. Parents are supposed to die before their child. Some earlier than most but that is life.

I am sorry for your loss- but it is not loo late to repair those wounds.

Grieving is a complex thing, and sometimes we end up grieving for something we wish we had. Yes we may have had a physical loss, but the person we lose may not be a fit of the person they really were.

My mother was physically around when I was a teenager, but didn;t fit that need I had.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.- Neither was mine.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's. - My mother thought girls doing exams were a waste of time.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss. Heaven forbid that I would even had told her.
She never met my husband. She did but she disliked him.
She wasn't at my wedding. My moyjer wasn't either, she ddidn;t approve of my choice.
She wasn't there when I had DC- my mother was spectacularly disinterested, ... and so on.

I don,'t seek to diminish your pain, but there is no guarantee that we will have a "storybook mothe2r who will be there to guide us through our teenage and early adult life.
Many people have mothers who are physically there but pretty absent in oher ways.
I don't have the grief of physically losing my mother so young ( although my father became termially ill when I was 14), but you may be grieving over scenarios that may have turned out nothing like you expect.

I understand PPs wanting to say there's no guarantee a parent would have done those things kindly, that OP missed out on. But she did say how very close and loving her mum was to her, her best friend. She was 14 so will remember her mum well. I think it's helpful to try to remember that xxx

I don't want to diminish the pain that others feel having been let down by their parents as that's awful too 😢

I will hug my children tight tonight having read OPs post and hearing her absolutely devastating grief. (Even though my teens will say Gerroff Muumm! )

I didn't lose my parents but my niece and nephew lost their mum ( my sister ) when they were 4 and 6. Their dad then died when they were 18 and 16. They have had a very very tough time and I'd say that it is true that the effect of losing a parent seems to somehow become worse in some ways as they get older. They are 30 and 28 now and my nephew particularly is only just now getting his life on track in the last couple of years after about 10 years practically spent in bed and doing nothing . My niece was better at first and more together for the first few years but is really struggling at the moment with quite bad depression as she decides whether to have children or not

I don't think it has ruined their life though as that is the life they have , and there was no option . They also have happy times and they have me and my other sister who still connect them to their mum. They are ok really and we all love each other a lot

I hope this brave thread from OP will help her and will help so many other people - sharing that quiet heartbreak 💔 for them underneath all the everyday life stuff

So many MNers reading through the thread and thinking of you all xxx

It's full of pain of people that lost parents young.

Or later but far too early

Full of pain for those who lost other loved ones

And those who watched relatives & friends lose loved ones

Full of pain of those who were let down or rejected by a parent and never felt enough

And anger at the loss

I'm reading MNers listening to that anger and devastation as it
also has amazing love and kind thoughts being shared that might be a balm for those in pain on this thread to hear.
Even if people don't know what the right thing to say is, reaching out to a stranger on the internet is people trying to connect and to help xx

And this thread is full of people sharing what may have helped or still helps them in their deepest and ongoing grief, even though they know it might not help everyone.

This thread is supportive
MN at its best xxxx ♥️♥️

My heart goes out to OP and everyone else on here in their loss and who have shared something in kindness that might in some way help someone xxx

I keep coming back and reading this thread.

It’s both heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.

I have skimmed the thread and seen some wonderful and compassionate comments.

My mother died of cancer when I was 16 and I am close to the age that she was when she died. It did have a profound effect on my life for quite some time. As others have said, I was resentful at the world, how couldn't people see the pain I was in and cut me some slack because the world had crapped on me in the worst way possible.

I think you may need to understand why you feel stuck in your grief. What feelings are still unresolved? My DDad had lost his mother at a much younger age and it affected how he parented in a negative way. Consequently, I ended up with a profound feeling of the world not being a safe place and not feeling anyone could be relied on or trusted. This independence and resilience has helped be successful and resourceful but has also made me mistrustful and distant at times.
I now treat the world as a big CBT type experiment. I stand back and look at situations more objectively - e.g.
I don't need anyone -v- it was really nice to have DH pick me up from the shop when the weather was bad.

People won't like me -v- a friend has just invited me for coffee
I don't know how to be a mother to an older teen as my DM died when I was a teen -v- DS1 is great and often messages me from Uni to ask advice or share news so I must have done something right.

I know my perception of the world is skewed by the death of my mother. Knowing that is one of the first steps to dealing with it. It is fine to acknowledge that losing your DM had a profound effect on you. The decision you can make is how much you let that effect shape your life now. That doesn't mean you won't still have painful and uncomfortable feelings but you may have to find a way of working with those feelings rather than trying to get rid of them.

Top post Chazs

Excellent post @ChazsBrilliantAttitude (your user name says it all. Your last paragraph is brilliant and could be used as a 5 stage approach to acceptance of loss and integrating that experience to know that you have CHOICES open to how you behave (not how you feel) in each moment:

1. I know my perception of the world is skewed by the death of my mother.

2. Knowing that is one of the first steps to dealing with it.

3. It is fine to acknowledge that losing your DM had a profound effect on you.

4. The decision you can make is how much you let that effect shape your life now.

5. That doesn't mean you won't still have painful and uncomfortable feelings but you may have to find a way of working with those feelings rather than trying to get rid of them.

I am a couple of years off the age she was when she died. maybe when I pass that I will feel a bit better. I have severe health anxiety. I am always worried I have a blood clot. I am terrified of leaving my children the same way I was left.

I know how you feel on this one. I didn't have my kids till I was past the age she was when she got ill. I think I just wanted to be sure it wasn't going to happen to me - and potentially my experience wouldn't happen to them. But life is fragile, you have to live the best life you can while you're here and well. Do what you want, not what others want you do to.

OP I feel you. I freaked out a bit when my daughter was the age I was when my mum died (6). Mostly because I felt so sad. My daughter was so young it made me realise that I was so young. I grieved all over again. It’s hard.

I’m coming up to my mums age now, the age she was when she died. I don’t feel grief as such for myself anymore but I feel terrified of dying and leaving my own young children

I lost my mum as a teenager. It has affected every aspect of my life. Every decision I make. You cannot explain it to someone who has not been through it. I’ve had a happyish life but I think my life would have been very different if my mum had not died.