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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do parents not pay for weddings these days??

282 replies

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:43

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

OP posts:
Oneforthemoneytwo · 14/01/2022 15:51

Highly unusual to pay for their own wedding.

bellachow · 14/01/2022 15:51

@justasking111

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

Wales is no different to other places IMO. Some parents pay and others don't. It's not some kind of Welsh tradition.
JudgeJ · 14/01/2022 15:53

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

If parents could guarantee it's the final gift to ther child I'm sure many would be glad to pay! What a stupid statement.

BiBabbles · 14/01/2022 15:53

It's nice to do, but not something someone should expect of their parents if they've never said that was their plan.

I don't get why a parent would view it as a 'final gift' - it's a wedding, not a funeral - or why saving up for it is sad - what if people want something more expensive than the parents can afford and are trying to ease the burden of that traditional expectation on the parents?

The tradition of brides' family paying for weddings has always been a bit mixed in how many actually follow through with that. It's a tradition steeped in families doing favours for each other often over controling a woman's life. The stories of bride's parents not approving or putting in heavy strings or just not having money and couples running off to wed are as old as time.

Not Welsh, but I come from where it's still tradition for some - and I mean the old school traditions. I was a teenager when my aunt got married and that involved weeks of negotiation between my grandparents and the hopeful groom-to-be. Fuck that noise.

I've joked that I'm happy to give my children the amount I spent on my own wedding - which was ~£200. At the moment, that would just about cover the notice & fees for marrying at the Register Office on a Saturday (as I did), though it is cheaper during the week. In reality, I'm not sure, it depends on everyone's situation then, I might help with a few things, but I'm not budgeting to pay for their weddings. I've savings for each of my kids, but they'll get decide how they manage that when the time comes. I'm not going to recommend it for a wedding, but its up to them.

ToppersMum · 14/01/2022 15:53

My parents were very traditional, and I got married quite young. They paid, but it wasn't a big grand affair. My mum also made all the decisions and I just went along with it, in hindsight.
I'm astounded at how much some couples pay for a wedding. DD chose to have a tiny wedding and we paid for the photographer. But we have contributed to to all our children's homes, and continue to offer a bit of support as necessary and as we are able.
What we won't do is go into debt or give money we can't afford, and it's naturally become less as their careers are taking off and they have become fully self supporting.

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2022 15:54

A bit behind the times up in Wales aren’t you. Traditionally it was the brides parents who paid for the wedding, almost like a dowry. These days women work and parents don’t need to bribe men into marrying them thank God, so couples pay for their own weddings like the independent grown ups they are.

WhoppingBigBackside · 14/01/2022 15:57

Throw in some comments about the Welsh, why don't you @PinkSyCo

Blackberrybunnet · 14/01/2022 15:58

Both of my sons had weddings that cost a ridiculous amount of money that I would never have dreamt of spending on a wedding, so what we did was give them a very decent monetary gift suggesting they use it towards whatever they wanted. It was more than enough to be a house deposit if they wanted to do that with it. They both opted to use part towards wedding and part towards house deposit. Sorry to hear Dogmum40 describe a couple of thousand as a "token amount" - even though I know from experience that modern weddings cost in the region of 10-20 thousand (and often more). My own opinion, for what it's worth, is that these stupidly expensive weddings are a waste of money for a generation that seems to constantly complain about not being able to get on the housing ladder.

onlychildhamster · 14/01/2022 15:58

Ha, we got married in the registry office and we couldn't afford any celebration.

we saved to buy our flat in London and therefore didn't have any spare cash for the wedding. After we bought our flat, we planned our wedding and then got delayed by covid (overseas family). So we have been legally married for more than 6 years but the celebration hasn't happened. But I don't regret any of it, property ownership is more important to me than weddings. I would liked to have had the wedding earlier, but we can't always have everything we want in life.

My parents are very wealthy (to them £1 million house is a very cheap house and they don't understand why i had problems even saving up for a £400k flat) but they are not paying any money towards it nor did they help me for my deposit (they did pay for my university education). My MIL has helped me enough as she gave us a free place to live while we saved up for our deposit from scratch. I don't really expect any help from my parents though, its my life and my decision to get married. If I didn't get married, I know I could have stayed in their house indefinitely and not needed to buy a place to live (and my country has no inheritance tax, so I would not worry about what happens after they die since their house is fully paid up) so from their viewpoint, the need to buy property in another country and the need to pay for a wedding was all self-inflicted.

woodhill · 14/01/2022 15:58

We paid for some of my dds weddings especially the receptions

Glitterygreen · 14/01/2022 16:00

I think a lot of parents give a contribution now if they can, but wouldn't expect to pay for everything.

It's weird though as my sister recently got married and my mum and dad had lots of thoughts and opinions on what 'should' be happening traditionally - the mother of the bride should have flowers, people should be given flower for their lapel when they enter the venue, the invitation should be written as if from the parents etc - but yet the tradition of the bride's parents paying didn't really crop up from their side 😂

MimiDaisy11 · 14/01/2022 16:01

My parents are paying for the meal at mine but they’re lucky to be doing reasonably well and my wedding is going to be quite small. Total costs are likely around £2,000 which is a lot of money but not for a wedding.

Money also comes with strings so lots of people want the control that comes from spending their own money

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 14/01/2022 16:03

I'm in Wales and I paid for both my own weddings. Don't know if anyone who had theirs paid for either. A bit of help maybe but generally my friends paid for their own.

EileenGC · 14/01/2022 16:04

My parents can barely afford their own mortgage. How on earth do you suggest they fund my wedding?

Final gift? They fed me and clothed me when I couldn't do it myself, they've given me all they needed to.

52andblue · 14/01/2022 16:05

I got married in 2001.
My parents don't have much money but they gave us £500. I was going to pay the rest from the £2.5k inheritance my great grandmother left me, but it didn't come through in time. We'd just bought our 1st house so couldn't take on more debt so we cancelled ALL the 'frills'. In the end, the Vicar didn't charge us, i made a buffet we ate at home, BIL drove me there in his Astra. It was very modest !!
I'm about to pay for my own Divorce.

VividImaginationAgain · 14/01/2022 16:06

Both my parents were deceased by the time I got married so we paid for our own.

I’m encouraging my dc to elope.

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2022 16:07

Throw in some comments about the Welsh, why don't you @PinkSyCo**

Lol OP herself said Wales are behind the times. Are you going to have a pop at her too?

OldaRailer · 14/01/2022 16:08

It's understandable paying for a couple of twenty year olds but not many people marry young nowadays. Then there is amthe higher cost bar to what is considered a normal wedding now.
Tbh my parents couldn't afford anything 30 years ago and I knew it, so we paid ourselves.

Hadenoughofbloodycovid · 14/01/2022 16:09

I’m in Scotland, been married 42 years and my parents didn’t pay for my wedding🤷‍♀️

qualitygirl · 14/01/2022 16:09

Mine was paid for jointly
My mum paid for my dress 1.8
My parents also paid 2k
Dh's parents paid 4K
Cake was a gift from SIL
Photography was a gift from a friend (who was a photographer!) - he offered I didn't ask!
I made my own bouquets and MIL did the button holes

Bluebluemoon39 · 14/01/2022 16:09

I think it depends how wealthy you are. Our dp's didn't pay for ours although they did both give cash presents - however we will offer to pay for our own dc's as we can afford it.

Weddings are so expensive that anyone who doesn't have much in the way of income/savings would have a job giving a decent one.

Some people of course would put money aside in case their dc's marry but I think this is quite rare - they'd be more likely to help out with a house deposit these days.

toomuchlaundry · 14/01/2022 16:10

I can't believe some people let their parents sell assets/take out a loan to pay for their wedding.

Bride's parents paying for the whole wedding is like a dowry, and transferring possession of their daughter. Not really something I would like daughters to aspire to nowadays

Maggiesgirl · 14/01/2022 16:11

I paid for DS's Blessing in the UK 15 years ago. They a tally got married at her home in SA as her visa had run out. I also paid for her dress, his outfit and his flights.

He is my only surviving child and I had brought him ip on my own with no help from his father. He went without a lot in his childhood. By the time he married, I had remarried and running my own successful business sort was my way if finally being able to give him what I wished I could have given him before.

GullyGawk · 14/01/2022 16:12

I would want my parents to keep their money. It doesn’t have to cost a lot to get married, if you want a big party then pay for it yourself.

qualitygirl · 14/01/2022 16:13

Forgot to say we paid 3k.