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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do parents not pay for weddings these days??

282 replies

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:43

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 14/01/2022 16:14

I think paying for childrens weddings dates back to the days when 24 was getting married late, when engagements were max 6 months long, and when "children" were just starting out in life.
DD and Boyfriend earn more than we do, and have been together 8 years.

marieantoinehairnet · 14/01/2022 16:15

Nope, not doing that, paid for my own wedding and given a lot end in divorce it's a rubbish investment!

OldaRailer · 14/01/2022 16:15

Of course you can have a "decent" wedding without spending a fortune.
It's like Christmas, everyone can do it differently but still have a memorable celebration. Best weddings I've been to have had receptions in church halls with simple buffets. One very nice wedding was a registry office with a few of us in a restaurant afterwards. I coped okay with no dancing!
A big glitzy wedding is fun in its own way but no more special really.

puffyisgood · 14/01/2022 16:15

it depends, obviously.

e.g. fabulously wealthy parents, impoverished only child getting married -> parents pay all.

e.g. impoverished parents, their eldest [of ten] children [or their spouse] has earned a fortune in the city or whatever -> the happy couple pay all.

most cases fall somewhere inbetween these two extremes.

onlychildhamster · 14/01/2022 16:16

@toomuchlaundry i read before that the ultra-orthodox jewish community do take out interest free wedding loans...But its a very closed community with traditional views. I can't imagine regular people doing it.

In my home country, its not the parents who pay, its the guests who pay. I think in the uk, its becoming increasingly normal. I gave cash as gifts for most of my friends' weddings. We gave one of my DH's friends £250, and my DH's sister £500 (we paid thousands for flights and hotels as she married during peak season), i estimated the costs for their wedding and they would have made a profit if everyone contributed the way we did, we covered the costs of seating and feeding us.

RasputinsPickledPenis · 14/01/2022 16:16

I'd rather use any money to help my kids get on the property ladder than pay for a party.

Dancingsmile · 14/01/2022 16:18

I live in Wales. My eldest is getting married. I have given some money towards it but not paying for all of it. Inlaws to be not offered anything and have the means to if wanted to.
No it's not traditional to pay for your child's wedding any more.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 14/01/2022 16:31

Live in the U.K., married 25 years ago and we paid for it ourselves, neither set of parents so much as offered and we didn’t expect them to.

dreamingofsun · 14/01/2022 16:36

i got married 30 years ago and welsh PIL paid for the relatively inexpensive evening buffet. Didnt expect them to pay for any more as they were broke. Husband went to a welsh funeral fairly recently and people were asked to bring food (despite family being rolling in it). So maybe it depends on the family.

Plus in the south houses are so expensive maybe like us its more important to try and help with flat deposits

dworky · 14/01/2022 16:37

Luxury belief.

Working class parents are rarely able to afford big sums, possibly repeated, for big weddings.

krustykittens · 14/01/2022 16:37

I got married 25 years ago and paid for my own wedding. When my mother and aunts got married, my grandparents paid. I think the difference is, though, people had access to affordable housing back then and few went to uni. I was the first in my family to go to uni and had bought my own house by the time I got married. My mum and aunts left school and went straight into work and either bought or had pretty secure tenancies as housing association renters. I am helping my daughters through uni and have money set aside for a small deposit on a home. No way am I or their father paying for a big wedding when the money could go toward a roof over their heads. My mum and aunts also worried about money but they didn't have a housing crisis that my daughter's generation is facing. I would far rather the money went to help them find somewhere secure to live where they are happy, then a big party for one day.

krustykittens · 14/01/2022 16:40

Also, we were very much a working class family and while my mum and aunts all had big weddings, the expectations were lower. Everything was just cheaper and simpler, no one was expecting to be a Kardashian on a lemonade budget. When my SIL got married, the wedding cost EUR 25,000 and trust me, she did NOT get her money's worth!

Roosk · 14/01/2022 16:40

@dworky

Luxury belief. Working class parents are rarely able to afford big sums, possibly repeated, for big weddings.
Yes, exactly. By the time I was old enough to consider marriage, I was earning more than my parents ever had, because they'd had to leave school at 12, and had always had ill-paid jobs, and I managed to get to university on grants and scholarships. I've been helping them out for most of my adult life, so it would have felt deeply bizarre for them to have felt they should pay for my wedding. (Which in fact cost about £200 for a register office and lunch, anyway.)
knittingaddict · 14/01/2022 16:40

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is kind of a bit unfair as so much money is sitting in the older generations, due to large increases in property prices!
Are they sitting on large amounts of money or are they sitting in their homes with a small amount of savings? Do you think they should sell their home to give their kids a fancy wedding?

This sort of inter generation bullshit really pisses me off.

CaptainChannel · 14/01/2022 16:41

My DC are still young, but I'd far rather use any money I had saved for a house deposit or education rather than a 1 day party. DH and I mostly paid for our own wedding, with a small gift from both sets of parents.

MarchXX · 14/01/2022 16:41

@justasking111

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

Nah, I've been married 28 years and we paid for our own wedding. That way we could do it how we liked. Sorry UABU I think.
tuesday2am · 14/01/2022 16:42

I'm in Scotland. I get married this October. As soon as DP and I got engaged, my parents insisted they wanted to pay the cost of the wedding. So they've given us the initial quote from our venue (it's going to go up a bit since then due to an increase in numbers, but we'll pay the extra ourselves). They also gave me some money towards my dress. In total they've given us £7k, which I'm extremely grateful for. We never expected anything from anyone; we both work and are able to pay our own way, but my dad is very traditional and said it's something he really wanted to do.

We'll be paying for everything else ourselves - photographer, videographer, all other suppliers, plus our honeymoon. But yes, extremely grateful to my parents.

mydogisthebest · 14/01/2022 16:46

I got married 42 years ago and neither of our parents paid for the wedding.

Our wedding was very very cheap (can't remember the exact amount but less than £1,000). My parents paid for the cake and DH's parents paid for the photographer.

generalh · 14/01/2022 16:48

@justasking111

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

I am in Wales and 31 yrs ago my parents paid for all my wedding. Our son is nor yet married but has bought a house. We have given him £25k towards it. Therefore we won't be paying much for his wedding.
Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 14/01/2022 16:49

@Blackberrybunnet

Both of my sons had weddings that cost a ridiculous amount of money that I would never have dreamt of spending on a wedding, so what we did was give them a very decent monetary gift suggesting they use it towards whatever they wanted. It was more than enough to be a house deposit if they wanted to do that with it. They both opted to use part towards wedding and part towards house deposit. Sorry to hear Dogmum40 describe a couple of thousand as a "token amount" - even though I know from experience that modern weddings cost in the region of 10-20 thousand (and often more). My own opinion, for what it's worth, is that these stupidly expensive weddings are a waste of money for a generation that seems to constantly complain about not being able to get on the housing ladder.
This!
etulosba · 14/01/2022 16:52

I just said that a lot of wealth is with the older generations because of house prices.

You did, but what has that got to do with price of cheese?

In this context, how much somebody’s house is worth by an accident of market forces is totally irrelevant unless they are prepared to sell it to release the capital. That capital will usually be redistributed amongst the younger generations when they die anyway.

SweetPetrichor · 14/01/2022 17:01

My parents won’t be paying for my wedding, but they did help me afford to buy a home, which I think is a far better gift to me!
Also, many people can’t afford to pay for their children’s wedding even if they wanted to.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/01/2022 17:02

My family are poor and always have been, so I'm not aware of anyone having their weddings paid for, or even paying a small sum towards.

However, my DB just got married and I'm pretty sure the bride's parents put a healthy chunk towards as our family weren't allowed any seats on the top table only for her family, no bridesmaids/pageboys from our side only theirs and we were all squeezed into a small back corner while her family took up the entire room. No speeches from our side either, only the bride's Confused. Oh, and 99% of the photos are of her side too.

Curiousmouse · 14/01/2022 17:02

We wouldn't if we could. I'd hate to think of my kids spending silly money on a party, which is essentially what it is. I'd pay a sum towards a deposit or similar, though.

Betty000 · 14/01/2022 17:04

I paid for my own 17 years ago