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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do parents not pay for weddings these days??

282 replies

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:43

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

OP posts:
SallyGoLucky · 14/01/2022 15:26

My husband and I paid for our own. I wouldn't dream of letting my parents pay.

We earn more than my parents, or his parents do. Plus it's our day, our party, why should someone else have to pay for that.

My dad did in the end ask if he could pay for my wedding dress. Which I thought was really kind and meant a lot.

I have a friend who earns over £200k a year, yet expected her retired teacher parents to fork out £50k for her wedding,,, and was very shocked when they couldn't! Crazy!!

Isaw3ships · 14/01/2022 15:27

People don’t go straight from their own parents home to their spouses home atb18,19.20 anymore. Couples are now generally older adults with jobs and homes and sometimes kids, financially independent from their parents.

Aprilx · 14/01/2022 15:28

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is kind of a bit unfair as so much money is sitting in the older generations, due to large increases in property prices!
So people should sell their homes to pay for their child’s wedding?
luckylavender · 14/01/2022 15:28

@justasking111 - not everybody in Wales does this

Muthalucka · 14/01/2022 15:31

I have boys but I expect to contribute to both their weddings

JudgeJ · 14/01/2022 15:33

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is kind of a bit unfair as so much money is sitting in the older generations, due to large increases in property prices!
So we should sell a wing to pay for the instagram-ready wedding!
shivawn · 14/01/2022 15:33

I would never have allowed my parents to pay for my wedding. I got married at 31 and we were well able to save up and pay for it ourselves.

C152 · 14/01/2022 15:33

I think it is very rare nowadays for parents to pay for their child's wedding. I'm sure my mother would have contributed if I had asked, but it didn't even occur to me to do so. People are getting married later (and are therefore likely to both be working and able to pay for it themselves) and it may be that parents have financially helped in other ways, like paying for their kids at uni or helping them with rent or to purchase a house.

Crepusculum · 14/01/2022 15:33

YABU.
I've been married for 25 years we paid for it ourselves - neither set of parents contributed financially or practically. We were in a better financial position than them so it wasn't even mentioned. It would've been nice to have more practical help/support though but that's not the way they roll.

toomanykidstocount · 14/01/2022 15:36

If they want a bog standard wedding like in the 'olden days' then fine, but with all the added extras it comes to a small fortune - happy to pay for the dress, but anything else is personal choice and with a 4 daughters could easily bankrupt us!!

Roosk · 14/01/2022 15:38

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Why on earth is it sad? Do you think their parents don't love them if they don't pay for their wedding?

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

I think that's bizarrely sentimental, as well as weirdly as if marriage constitutes your waving off of your child into married life, never to be the same. Maybe that was more the case in generations past, when people married very young, but now it would feel weirdly infantilising given that many people are well into their thirties when they first marry -- and of course many people marry more than once, presumably without reverting to childhood in between?

Where do you stand on parents paying for more than one marriage, OP?

The only people I know whose parents paid for their weddings were Asian couples with enormous numbers of guests as a rule, or devout evangelical Christians of the type that save their virginity for their wedding night, and are hence encouraged to marry young so they don't go off the rails.

MondayYogurt · 14/01/2022 15:39

Ha, we didn't even get a wedding present.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/01/2022 15:41

Not been married but been engaged. My DM at the time was adamant at the time that she wouldn't pay for our wedding as her DM hadn't paid for hers before - she'd been married twice... and engaged once before she was married - not to first DH. DGM (DM's DM) also was married 3 times (yes I know...) and her DP's didn't pay for any of those marriages - 1 was a shotgun type as she was pregnant.

I think if you're both able to pay for your wedding you should pay for it but if DP's want to pay then up to them - granted that does make it a big say in the day etc (close relatives including DB, parents paid for their weddings).

DwangelaForever · 14/01/2022 15:42

My mum paid for my wedding reception and wedding dress (her choice) we paid for everything else and because she paid for it she felt she had the final say on guests etc leading to loads of people I didn't want to be there. She also overspent on things leading to her being in debt and uses this against me on a very regular basis Hmm.

I would've rather paid myself and done it my way (abroad with very little people thefe) and not have had to keep hearing about it 10 years on.

Drinkingallthewine · 14/01/2022 15:43

No. We were in our forties when I got engaged, so it seems wrong to expect a widowed pensioners as our parents all were to pay for our wedding. So we are paying for it ourselves.

My mother did insist on paying half my dress though. She wanted to pay for it all and I didn't want her to pay for any of it so that's the best I managed to haggle the stubborn woman down to Grin

GeorgiaMcGraw · 14/01/2022 15:43

Brb, going to go yell at my mum for being poor and not having money to buy me a wedding with 😂 I suppose if you can help your kids with it, great, if not, ah well.

ToppersMum · 14/01/2022 15:44

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is kind of a bit unfair as so much money is sitting in the older generations, due to large increases in property prices!
That's a big generalisation
cptartapp · 14/01/2022 15:48

We paid for half ours, we split it with my DM. PIL contributed nothing, but paid for all SIL wedding. They gave her a £10k house deposit too and DH got nothing then either.

Erictheavocado · 14/01/2022 15:50

DH and I married almost 40 years ago. We paid for our own wedding entirely.
As much as I would love to be able to give my dcs a substantial sum towards their wedding/first home etc, we are just not in a position to do so. They also earn significantly more than us. Yes, over time the value of our home has increased, but we will not see a benefit from that unless we move , and given the associated costs, we would have to downsize to a shed to see any actual cash profit. Our dc's will benefit from the increased value when they inherit our home once we are both gone. Thankfully, they are not so entitled as to expect us to sacrifice our fairly modest home to pay for a fancy wedding.

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/01/2022 15:50

of course I’m not saying parents should sell their houses! That’s a huge reach to get that from what I said.

I just said that a lot of wealth is with the older generations because of house prices. Younger people are less likely to be able to afford their own weddings than before due to having to save for property, whilst older people in the current generations are likely to be better off than their own parents were.

No one should be selling houses, of course!

But how does the price of property rising under their feet help parents afford to pay for a wedding unless they liquidate their assets? It's hardly a reach.

Younger people are less likely to be home owners so might even have more readily available cash.

wishingitwasspring · 14/01/2022 15:50

We've paid for both our adult children to

Go to uni
Helped onto property ladder
Bought their first cars (paid for lessons and insurance too)
Continue to give sums of money where we can and when they need it

Both live with partners and have done for some time. If they suddenly want to get married and then continue they'll be paying for their own party.

LethargicActress · 14/01/2022 15:50

I’ll pay for one part of my dc’s weddings as a gift, but I’m not paying for their wedding. My finances aren’t unlimited unfortunately so I’d rather help them with a house deposit than a fancy wedding.

Kite22 · 14/01/2022 15:50

I haven't voted.
I think YANBU to want to do that for your dc, if finances allow, and particularly if you didn't pay for your own wedding.
However YABU to generalise so much. This really isn't a 'Welsh' thing at all.
I think, the proportion of people getting married in the last or next couple of years who pay for their own wedding is massively higher than it has every been at anytime in the past, but there will still be people whose parents pay for all, or the bulk of it, and there have always been loads of people whose parents never paid for anything.

I suspect (though evidence is anecdotal amongst people I know) that there are quite a high % of people who get married, who have a generous cash gift from their parents...... perhaps parents say here is £2K / 5k / £10k we'd like you to have, and B&G are able to use it for some, or all of the costs, without necessarily feeling it has all been 'paid for' by parents.
Or, also that there are probably many parents who have been able to help with money towards a first property deposit, which, in turn, then means the couple have been able to afford to save for their own wedding, which they wouldn't have been able to whilst paying rent. etc etc.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 14/01/2022 15:51

My parents paid for mine and my siblings weddings with contribution from the grooms family. In our circles it’s still mainly paid for by the parents and my friends all talk about keeping money aside for their childrens weddings. It would be highly usual for the couple to pay for their own (first) wedding. 2nd weddings l, yes absolutely!

JudgeJ · 14/01/2022 15:51

We were married 53 years ago, both students, my parents paid for most of the wedding, I bought my dress, £3 10sh (£3.50) from Richards shops and a cheap pair of shoes. The reception was in my poarents' front room, Mum made everything including the cake.
Our 'honeymoon' was half a day to York the following week where we treated ourselves to a steak dinner at a Berni Inn!

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