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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do parents not pay for weddings these days??

282 replies

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:43

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

OP posts:
Mummywantsaweewee · 14/01/2022 15:05

@UpThe

Weddings used to be a church service and some sandwiches at the local pub. They didn’t cost on average 20k.
This is the wedding I had a few years ago! I didn’t want the big party just a relaxed simple day. Was a lovely day and no pressure, and no debt!
Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/01/2022 15:06

I thought traditionally the bride's parents pay. I have no daughters.

On a serious note though I won't be paying for DS's wedding or house deposit, I'm single and can't afford it.

OhPatti · 14/01/2022 15:06

The tradition is that the bride's parents would pay and that's why their name would appear on the invites, but this stems from the days when the bride was considered to be in the ownership of her parents until she passed into the ownership of her husband (ugh), hence the tradition of the bride's father 'giving away' the bride. Personally when I got married I didn't want my wedding handled that way, as if I was some sort of possession to be passed from one man to another, and I wouldn't have wanted the financial arrangements to underline that tradition either. This tradition also meant the bride's parents would get to decide everything; also not something I or my DH would have wanted. (IMHO all the other sexist traditions, such as the men making all the speeches while the bride is expected to remain silent, stem from this too - I made a point of making a speech on my wedding day because that particular tradition gets on my wick so much.)

Also, more pragmatically, women earn more and couples jointly tend to be older and have more money saved up these days than would have been the case at one time. I don't find it sad to think of couples saving for their own wedding - I think that's as it should be. It doesn't stop the couple's parents making contributions towards it if they so choose, and if it's what all parties want, but no I don't believe people should be saddled with paying for their daughters' weddings in this day and age.

L0bstersLass · 14/01/2022 15:07

@TheHairyDinosaur

I'm in Wales, yes my family as the bride paid for the wedding. My grandmother bought my wedding dress for me as a gift and then all other cost were covered by my family.

We divorced eventually due to horrific DV a went to court and charges were upheld and he was found guilty.

It's the norm in my peer group for bride's family to pay for the majority of the wedding and groom's family tend to pay for the evening reception.

That's how mine was done too. Also Welsh. Got married 20 years ago.

My dad paid for the wedding and my husband's parents sorted out the reception - including doing a wine run to France.
We didn't pay anything towards any of it.

ElftonWednesday · 14/01/2022 15:08

I'd expect to contribute. We paid for half of ours, my parents and inlaws the rest between them as their gift.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/01/2022 15:08

I used any money l was given as a young adult to buy a house. Weddings were a waste of money in my opinion then.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/01/2022 15:09

I never expected my parents to pay when I got married. As an adult with a job marrying another adult with a job thr very thought was ridiculous. I was lucky to have been given a few hundred pounds, it was a wedding present to both of us.

When one of my children got married we have them £1000 as a wedding present to go with what ever they wanted. We couldn't have afforded any more.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 14/01/2022 15:10

I must tell my Welsh friends who got married 20 years ago. It would appear their wedding was paid for twice.

foreverandalways · 14/01/2022 15:11

I am Welsh and my husband and I paid for our own wedding 30 years ago....we paid towards our daughters wedding and bought the dress etc and covered the cost of the hen party....lots of other things also but it most certainly wasn't expected of us....

BoredZelda · 14/01/2022 15:12

We paid for our own wedding. There was never a question that my parents would pay. It’s inherently unfair and misogynistic that parents of girls would pay for the wedding. They gave me money towards my part of the deposit for the new house we bought together.

firstimemamma · 14/01/2022 15:12

Our wedding only cost £2.5k. No relationship with my own relatives. FIL paid £500 (unexpected) and we paid for the rest ourselves. MIL is on a very low income so couldn't contribute financially but it meant the world to us to have her there as she is wonderful. We don't really have a proper relationship with FIL (but of course were grateful for the money). Money isn't everything, it's the relationship that counts.

We will try to help with our children's weddings should they chose to have them but realistically probably won't be able to help any more than £1k per wedding. Would rather help more with driving lessons instead or something else more practical. A wedding is just a day and needy cost a fortune in our eyes.

BrotherHelp · 14/01/2022 15:12

YABU for making it a Welsh thing!

WombatChocolate · 14/01/2022 15:14

In the past, people married in their late teens and early 20s direct from home. They had never owned property or lived together and the majority had probably been in low paid work for just 3 or 4 years.

Expectations about weddings were far less than today. People tended to hire the Church or village hall. You might have caterers, but for most working class people who were the majority by far, the meal was a simple affair. There were no photo booths, fancy discos, canape receptions, late night bacon sarnies or fancy hotels. The cost of the reception was far lower than it would be today as expectations have risen.

Today, the average age is older and those getting married have long left home. They don’t rely on parents for life advice in the same way or for financial support. Their expectations of what they want have often risen and the price is high. Many have kids already and most have lived together.

It is an entirely different world and so it’s not surprising that the approach to paying is different too.

Many people still donate to their children’s weddings and some do pay the full amount of the reception etc. Of course it depends on the situation and wealth and expectations of parents and family.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 14/01/2022 15:15

My DH and I paid for our daughter’s wedding, as she was still living under our roof at the time. When our sons married, they had already set up home with their partners, so the situation was entirely different, in my view. We have always helped them out practically, and later with childcare, so are not mean with our time. I also feel that some couples prioritise the wedding, rather than the marriage, and expect a vastly extravagant ‘do’. Fine if you are wealthy, but it absolutely isn’t necessary. Surely money is better spent?

notacooldad · 14/01/2022 15:15

I live in England and my parents didn’t pay for my wedding, that was 25 years ago
Same with me!

Timeturnerplease · 14/01/2022 15:16

My dad put £15k towards each of his children’s weddings but this is partly a way of reducing his estate for him.

Funnily enough, only one sister has used the full some towards her wedding (which cost more than double that 🤦🏻‍♀️). DP and I are eloping at our own cost, and the two youngest are having simple weddings and putting the rest of the money into their properties.

Given that I am unlikely to ever amass the kind of wealth my father has, we’ve started saving for a house deposit for both DDs but I don’t know what we’ll do about their weddings….

AngelinaFibres · 14/01/2022 15:17

Times have changed. People get married later these days. The days of the bride and groom living at home and being 21 are long gone. When I got married the first time I was 24 and my parents paid for most of it. It came with strings. They decided where it was , who came etc ,etc. When I got married the second time my fiance and I paid for all of it ( quite right too , obviously). It was very nice to make our own decisions. I was 34. Had I got married for the first time over 30 I would have appreciated any financial contribution from my parents but the dynamic would have been very different as I had left home long ago. My sons both got married recently. They are 27 and 29. We gave them a chunk of money to spend as they wished. All decisions were theirs. If we were asked for advice we gave our opinion. Otherwise they did it all themselves.

FavouriteMug · 14/01/2022 15:17

We've made it clear to our adult children that we won't be paying a penny towards their wedding.

They need to do what we did and have only what they can afford.

In contrast we've supported them through undergraduate and postgraduate degrees (all 4 of them) and set aside money for house deposits.

We will also set up savings accounts for any grandchildren if they come along.

My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life but it was the marriage that made it special, not the wedding, and we did it on absolute shoestring.

Socialcarenope · 14/01/2022 15:17

Both mine and DHs parents gave us money towards our wedding, paid for about half of it. I was incredibly reluctant to take the money as I didn't want them having a say in the event itself.

Isaw3ships · 14/01/2022 15:18

As far as I’m aware none of my Irish family or English or American families ( bar one US woman) have paid for any of their kid’s weddings.
I know if 1 or 2 where the parents helped out with dresses or some of the drinks or honeymoon or whatever but as a gift and not anything near what they’d pay for a wedding.
Not now and not 30-40 years ago… the idea that parents should pay - the. Rides parents should pay - is very very outdated.

manseymoo1987 · 14/01/2022 15:20

I don't think it's typical for parents to pay for everything, but I think most parents, if they can afford it will contribute. I'm one of 6 and my parents had a child's wedding 4 years in a row! I think they gave us each £7 or so towards the wedding, so very generous. My siblings who are not yet married (probably won't) my parents gave them the same amount to make it fair.

glittereyelash · 14/01/2022 15:20

I'm Irish and most people I know paid for their own weddings My parents offered to pay for my reception but I declined as we were getting married at very short notice. They paid for my dress and gave me money for our honeymoon.

Cameleongirl · 14/01/2022 15:21

My parents gave us about £200 towards our wedding, I think DH's parents gave about the same. That was 20 years ago.

My parents bought us some lovely presents over the years, but they certainly didn't expect to pay for our wedding!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/01/2022 15:24

@ClaudiaWankleman of course I’m not saying parents should sell their houses! That’s a huge reach to get that from what I said.

I just said that a lot of wealth is with the older generations because of house prices. Younger people are less likely to be able to afford their own weddings than before due to having to save for property, whilst older people in the current generations are likely to be better off than their own parents were.

No one should be selling houses, of course!

FeedMeSantiago · 14/01/2022 15:25

DH and I paid for ours ourselves.

At one point PIL offered to put money towards it if we changed some of our plans to what they wanted, which we declined.

We always intended to pay for it ourselves so that we had full control.

A lot of couples we know had a contribution from parents, either money towards it or money for a specific thing like the dress or the flowers.

I don't know any couples where the parents paid for the whole wedding.

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