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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving it all up

229 replies

strawhatblonde · 13/01/2022 22:07

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

OP posts:

Original poster

strawhatblonde · 15/01/2022 13:29

Some of these replies have been a bit harsh 😔

I can guarantee he’s not with me for my money lol because I don’t have any. My house was paid for with savings from before hubby died and insurance. He knows my income, knows I have nothing and he’s the one who sends me money when I’m stuck.

It isn’t for sex either, we have less sex than normal couples due to distance. We could both get sex anywhere else couldn’t we?

He wasn’t looking for anyone abroad and either was I. We met on plenty of fish in a live stream, completely by chance as I literally hopped into it on a whim and there were people from everywhere there.

I have seen him unwell, stressed, irritable, all kinds of mood and many times. Yes it might be a video call but we still spend every single evening together. Literally every day for over a year. The only difference is we are on the phone not a sofa.

He doesn’t see his family all the time, probably 1-2 times a month but he does speak to them daily. They would be happy for me to be over there as we’d see them more as I am more family orientated in that way.

He is open to having more children but understands I would need a sterilisation reversal, he isn’t expecting or wanting me to do that and is happy to not have children unless it’s something I want (I don’t)

If he comes over here for 2 years his concern is having nothing to start from in the US. We would have to find a place to live, jobs etc all while still in the UK.

Although on another note, as my children are not his and are British, I meet the income requirement to have him come here (I’ve checked) so it is the easier and cheaper option.

OP posts:

MsMD · 15/01/2022 13:41

Definitely him moving here.

I disagree with everyone saying you can't know him. I met DP online and did long distance and we're now happily married, and I moved to him. I knew him very well from our long talks. If anything I believe it showed us how to communicate much more effectively and we relied on ACTUALLY talking whereas in person a lot of it is physical cues. Which I definitely missed long distance! But did make us get to know each other very well.

Pre kids I would say it was up to you both to decide but now I would definitely say he's the one to come to you. You have more here, your kids are settled, you'd have to give up more, you have family commitments that can't be done online.

Also, the US is not a great place to live, certainly not for women, or low paid workers. You will likely be paid even less, for longer hours, get MUCH less leave entitlement (0 is normal) and have no rights as a worker - you can be fired for anything or nothing in most states. Depending on the state there is a LOT of racism and sexism, and the Supreme Court are currently voting on things such as banning abortion - and I believe they will. And you will be paying HUNDREDS a month for health insurance, and on top of that will pay deductibles and copays every time you see a doctor. The Emergency Room is unaffordable even with insurance.

I'd strongly consider leaving, and I'm an in demand physician.

The UK is not all great, I know that. But it's not comparable.

AlbertBridge · 15/01/2022 13:50

Get an au pair. Your life will open up!

Don't move yourself and your children across the Atlantic to live with a man you've met in person 3 times.

You married your first husband at 18?

MsMD · 15/01/2022 13:50

I also forgot to add University costs for your children will be astronomical if you move to the US. It's not like the UK where they pay it almost like a tax. They will owe it like any other debt, and can easily graduate with tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars debt. Many cannot afford to buy a house now because of this debt of paying $600+ a month on student loans no matter how much they earn, and it does not expire. The interest alone means they pay on that for years before even making a dent in the principal.

akpounce · 15/01/2022 13:52

Hi maybe I can give some help from both sides. I'm an American living in the UK the past 10 years and we are now moving back to the US.

The process for you, and your kids, to get a greencard/visa would take about 18months-2 years. So that might not be an option for you anyway. I don't know about bringing step kids over on a fiancee visa so you may have to get married first and then he would need to sponsor all of you doing a I-130 which right now is taking anywhere from 6-14 months to process. Then you have the rest of it. So think if that timeline works for you.

It's faster to get a UK visa and it's good you earn the minimum requirements, but he needs to look at what his job pays here as pay is often much lower. It's a big difference in living and culture shock and emigrating is a huge event that can put incredible strain on even the most solid of relationships. I think your children would probably love moving over there (depending on where he lives!), it's not 'wasted' education because they would likely stay in the US if they are settled and happy there, and at 12 your eldest (mine is 13) will be able to ease into High School by going to middle school first and as everyone else will be in the same boat they can make new friends easier. But it's a big decision and I hope it all works out for you.

WhoWants2Know · 15/01/2022 13:54

I made the decision to move here, and have never regretted it.

Health insurance, and gun control were two big factors. I went to a nice high school in an upper class area in the states. During my senior year, there were 3 gun related deaths. By the time I left, there were security guards on the entrances. Some schools have metal detectors and most have active shooter drills. No way.

akpounce · 15/01/2022 13:58

The US isn't at all a 'bad' place to live. It's incredibly cultural diverse across an enormous place so it really depends on where you are moving to. I am moving back because the NHS has utterly failed my son with complex health needs and myself with a chronic illness and I've had enough. I have enrolled for healthcare now party funded through tax credits and paying less than $100 a month to have my pick of doctors and specialists that will cost me $30 at a time to see, yes, but if they fail me or 'forget' about my son like the NHS doctors have MANY times, then we can find someone else. My husband will earn 4 times what he earns here, we went from £80 for electricity and gas to £400 here, our quality of life is basically going to zero here. Even if your kids don't go to university in the US they have a great opportunity to make a LOT more money. My brother works a manual labor job and his wife is a SAHM with two kids and they just bought a house for $400k and have a nice life. It is VERY different depending on the state you move to, which is true, but both countries have their ups and downs and for my family the US is the right choice. Again you have to look at timelines though as the visa process both ways is not quick and easy.

phishy · 15/01/2022 13:58

Yes it might be a video call but we still spend every single evening together. Literally every day for over a year. The only difference is we are on the phone not a sofa.

He seems like a nice guy but it still makes more sense for him to move her. Also, chatting every night seems a bit unhealthy. What about your kids, do they chat too? Do you never go see friends, family?

PinkSyCo · 15/01/2022 14:04

Yes it might be a video call but we still spend every single evening together.

He’s not spending every single evening with your kids though is he? He hardly knows them. How do you know they are not going to clash horribly when it comes to the reality of living together?

Original poster

strawhatblonde · 15/01/2022 14:15

Due to the time difference my kids are in bed when we call on weekdays, at weekends they are around and talk with him. I never prioritise him over the kids and he wouldn’t expect me to. They got along great when they saw him but I realise that’s a couple of months total over a long period of time so it’s not the same as living together.

I do see my friends, at least twice a week. My best friend tends to come to my house, so I will usually call him before she comes for a quick chat and then maybe after she leaves depending (because me and her can still be chattering away at 3am sometimes lol).

I have a very full life here, I don’t want to give it all up. Equally I don’t want to ask him to, but he has less to give up. Not trying to sound harsh.

I spoke at length about this and all the visa options with him, and his solution was for him to come here for 2 years or so. Only problem is we then have nowhere to live in the US and no jobs in the US.

OP posts:

Crumbs22 · 15/01/2022 14:30

I'm very sorry but I don't see it as a good thing to move there. Before anything else, the fact that you've been together for a year? is way, way, way too short a time to consider such a serious change to your and your children's lives. I would say this even if he was UK based and you saw each other frequently. It takes a lot longer to get to know someone. You have the full responsibility of your children's lives as well. A long distance relationship by its very nature means that whenever you're together it's more like a mini holiday each time and not the nitty gritty of every day life. It's just not the same and can't be during the short periods of time you have together physically.

The same with his family, it's all fine in the short periods of being with you and children but that could be so different if you were there. You may find they're not so welcoming all the time. The only way to know better is for more time to get to know them. But you have run out of time as you can't afford the flight tickets. You would be totally reliant on him if you live there depending on if you could apply for a green card which I believe still depends on marriage or a company sponsor? You might have to pay 2 lots of taxes, to the US and UK on your earnings. If things don't work out, it would be less easy to start again in this country as say a 40 something woman? I don't think it's worth it, sorry.

CocktailNapkin · 15/01/2022 15:50

I second @akpounce - I am also an American who has been here almost 9 years and we are looking to return to the US this year for a lot of reasons but mostly due to better healthcare, the ability to purchase a solid house almost anywhere that doesn't need to be completely gutted first, build wealth faster, better lifestyle amenities for us at this point in our lives. Not everyone in the US is wandering around with a shotgun on their arm, driving a big truck with a Confederate flag off the back, acting like an uneducated hick shooting up a movie theater. I could be stabbed or blown up in a terrorist attack or have acid thrown on me in the UK - risk is risk and there are nut jobs everywhere.

If he does move here, please DO NOT underestimate the hoops a new arrival must face, just getting a bank account set up in this country is a bureaucratic mess. The "rules" of living that you inherently know will not be obvious to him and that will drive a lot of frustration. You may not believe that it is difficult for him to find a job (will employers accept his US experience or not want to bother dealing with a non-local?), or to make friends, or to adjust to being dependent on someone else or not have the ability to drive.

Finally, I wouldn't worry about moving back in 2 years and those logistics of having a job and place to live. Get through this hurdle first and see if it works long enough before that is even a consideration.

Which visa category did he agree to apply under?

EllaVaNight · 15/01/2022 16:02

The person without children should move imo.

I wouldn't want to live in the US either. The main reasons are because I'm a black woman with mixed race children and racism in the UK is bad enough, the gun laws and gun crime, the fact that many families are in so much debt due to having the audacity to be ill with something their insurance doesn't cover, and their barbaric justice system. They are just a few of many reasons. I don't think the UK is amazing or that one is necessarily better than the other. It's just if I was going to the effort of moving, I wouldn't choose the so-called land of the free.

dreamingbohemian · 15/01/2022 16:47

I wouldn't worry too much about having to start over in two years in the US. He's only renting and you say it's easy for him to find work, and it sounds like you could stay with family at first too. That is not a good enough reason for him not to be the one to come over.

HollowTalk · 15/01/2022 18:09

I'm sorry, but I think you should end the relationship. He doesn't want to come here and if he did come you'd have to be married in order for him to work. I would hate you to give up your financial independence. You couldn't just move him in with your children - they hardly know him. I doubt very much that he would want to rent and just come round to yours a few evenings a week.

You are putting your UK life on hold while all your focus is on him. Perhaps it's time to give up on that dream?

Original poster

strawhatblonde · 15/01/2022 18:19

Break up? We are planning on getting married!

We haven’t decided that he is coming for definite or how, we are still discussing things but looks like it will be him coming here.

As far as work goes, his US experience is essentially the same here and he’d be fine getting a job once he can, I would not be giving up financial independence if he moved here as I will still work and the house is mine (he doesn’t automatically get rights to it until he’s lived here a certain length of time or we marry, and there is no way I would allow any man claim to my house, so this is something we will need to figure out)

I think a lot of replies are acting like this is a scammer I met online. I met this man by pure chance, I hopped into a live stream on plenty of fish. He wasn’t looking for a foreigner and neither was I. He knows how poor I am, he knows he won’t get money from me. We talk about anything and everything, the only difference is it’s on the phone not a sofa.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 15/01/2022 18:27

Has he said he is only willing to move for 2 years ? Let him do it then.

You'll know by the end of those two years where you both see yourselves going and can reassess.

Tempusfudgeit · 15/01/2022 19:57

You own your own home outright? You're not 'poor'.

NickiMinajerie · 15/01/2022 20:05

Take a year out. Move temporarily for year 8 Sept 22-23. Rent your house out for the year.
Review in 12 months time.

Roosk · 15/01/2022 20:53

@strawhatblonde

Break up? We are planning on getting married!

We haven’t decided that he is coming for definite or how, we are still discussing things but looks like it will be him coming here.

It rings alarm bells for me that you decided to get married after three long-distance holidays with no idea about how you were going to actually set in place a situation where you could live in the same country and not disadvantage your children.

Iheartmyheart · 15/01/2022 20:55

Neither of you can work in each others country until you are married (unless it’s exceptional circumstances- for instance a transfer within the same company just from U.K. to USA or vice versa)
I know this because my husband and I are a U.K./American married couple. Even getting a fiancé visa is hard work and lots of money. This isn’t an easy path.
I really think your best bet is him coming here. It seems more logical anc the red tape is slightly less. Good luck x

Starseeking · 15/01/2022 21:09

@Tempusfudgeit

You own your own home outright? You're not 'poor'.

Exactly. You're a very solid prospect OP, don't undersell yourself. You sound almost grateful that this man has shown an interest in you. For the sake of your DC, don't let yourself get carried away in the excitement of it all.

User2638483 · 15/01/2022 21:26

Keep your head OP.

Talking on the phone is different to a relationship in person.
It’s totally different to having every aspect of your daily lives intertwined and having all the mundanity of every day life together.

dreamingbohemian · 15/01/2022 21:47

It sounds like you're determined to have him come over on a spousal visa, the problem is that then he has to move in with you (otherwise they will not believe it is a real marriage) and I'm sorry but I think it's crazy to move a man you've only met three times in real life into your house with your daughters.

I understand you talk on the phone every night but you must know deep down this is not the same thing as properly knowing someone, especially as it's only been a year.

I'm not saying he's a scammer but it's not hard to be on your best behaviour for a year especially when you are long distance.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/01/2022 21:54

@strawhatblonde

Break up? We are planning on getting married!

We haven’t decided that he is coming for definite or how, we are still discussing things but looks like it will be him coming here.

OK. But please stop acting as if your kids are fine with all this and acknowledge that they barely know this man! They can only have met him at least a handful of times. Get a grip on yourself and realise that an online relationship is nothing like a real life relationship. You ARE being selfish and not putting your kids first. I'm a single parent and would never behave like you.

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