Giving it all up

[strawhatblonde]

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

He earns about 60k
As a PP asked, where is he located? 60k could give a very comfortable life in some areas. In others you would be barely scraping by.

@Maximum71

Try it. But keep your house. You can always move back. Life is about having adventures right? Xx ps don't expect him to be / act like a real dad to the kids- that's asking for trouble x

When you have kids that need stability you need to put "adventures" on the back burner.

If you had means to support yourself - correct visa and a job , I would move. Could you rent your house out whilst you are away? Just to keep a fall back plan. The uk is not going anywhere. If you give it a year and it doesn’t work out you can always come home

I think I'd get him to move here. You can all go on holiday to visit his family.

IF it goes well, you can try living out there while your eldest is at Uni & your youngest is starting senior school.

He has much less to lose coming here, than you do taking your kids there. It doesn't have to be forever.

@MomentToThink

Moving countries is really disruptive to kids’ emotional and educational development. There’s so much research on this. They say they’re happy to move but they don’t fully understand what it entails.

Lots of kids move country with their parents - diplomatic corps, forces, various industries - and whilst of course there is disruption and it doesn't work out for some, for most it is completely fine and for many it offers huge opportunities.

However, that's very different from moving two school-age kids to another continent on the hope of it working out with someone you hardly know. That seems extremely unwise.

What state is it op? I think incomes really vary. 60k doesn't sound massive to support a family. Would you marry ?

What does he spend his money on if he can't afford the travel but earns a decent salary?

We just moved from the US. 60k in my area (Chicago suburbs) would be a low income for a family. Of course it completely depends on where you live as I assume many locations it would be just fine.

Visas are a huge pain too. I’ve no idea what the current situation is, but my DHs work visa took over a year to be issued back in 2013. I don’t know much about marriage visas, but I have friends with marriage visas/green cards who said they are very slow and need a lot of evidence of your relationship history.

I definitely wouldn’t move my children across the world for someone I’d known a year. I really hope it works out for you though OP!

He paid for my tickets and I paid for the covid tests but I can’t afford the covid tests regularly.(Tickets cost 1500 and I can’t afford that either). When I’m there, he pays for everything.

Him moving here seems like the most sensible option, however I wouldn’t want to move over when my kids finish school because I want them to come with me, I couldn’t leave my kid in university here while I’m in the US.

I feel like the timing is an issue, would the eldest be ok moving at 13-14-15-16 years old? Seems a bit old to have to move schools etc and I worry about that, which is one of main reasons for it being this year or not at all.

The other option I considered was going there for the summer and trialling it but I couldn’t keep my job open like that.

So really for me I feel he should move here, at least temporarily, and then we revisit the idea in 12/18 months time.

His salary seems good to me, but then he doesn’t have a lot to pay for in comparison to me, no kids etc.

I think realistically he should be thinking to move here because it’s easier and he has less to lose.

Honestly, OP, I think you’ve hit this panic-rushing moment, because you got engaged and now feel you can’t keep travelling transatlantically to one another and you’ve absorbed the idea that moving your elder child any later than 12 is worse, and your fiancé had blown hot and cold about moving to the UK.

I just think you need to stop thinking in ‘it’s now or never’ terms. If this is a genuine, committed love relationship, it needs to put your young children’s welfare front and centre, and any decent man will recognise that you can’t uproot their lives on a whim for a relationship that has had so little real chance to be tested for longevity.

Are you sure your employer wouldn’t keep your job open for you, basically keeping you in contract with a period of unpaid leave? (aside: having continuous employment good if redundancy could happen)

You pay, plus easily available overtime, plus quadrupling it in US, plus you using the word bank earlier scream nurse or other HCP. We’re so short of them, are you sure they won’t give you a sabbatical?

Absolutely no way would I uproot my children for someone I hadn’t even lived with yet. I can see why you’re rushing but please, slow down!

You’ve painted a very nice picture of his family OP - they adore you and are doting grandparents to your DC? Really? When they’ve only met you a few times? I can’t help wondering if it’s a family you’re craving rather than a man and call sceptical but I think how you describe things sound almost too good to be true. How old is this man? Has he ever been in a long term relationship before? I worry that his family are so over the top nice to you and your DC because they just want to see him settle. I don’t know, there’s just something that isn’t sitting right with me, so no personally I would not risk moving over there. It is much much too soon.

I can understand why you long for a new life OP. It sounds like you’ve had so much loss - married at 18 and widowed at 30 with a baby and young child.

And with no family support - you have done amazingly well to hold down a job and buy your own home.

So it must seem very heartless to you when posters say that you have to put away your idea of an adventure because you are a mum. Of course you dream of a new life with this amazingly supportive family.

But I think you might be clutching at the dream of who this man could be rather than the reality.

Look at the facts

1. You don’t earn enough to sponsor him to come here. So he would need to get a visa in his own right.

1. If he comes here on a finance visa you’d have to marry him within 6 months, which would be madness. If it didn’t work out he would have to leave and you’d potentially lose your house. Plus you children would lose yet another father figure.

1. You’d have to move him into your own home - not a wise move when you have young children who hardly know him. Yes of course once he got a job here and some references he could rent a place but that’s not going to happen is it ?

1. He doesn’t have children - what if he pressurises you to have another baby ? Can you afford to bring up 3 kids on your own if it doesn’t work out ? You won’t be getting any child support from a man who lives aboard.

Plus all the things that everyone else has mentioned - that you haven’t known him long and never in everyday life - just in holiday mode.

Sorry I know it must seem that we are all being very negative. But everyone here is looking out for you and your kids, we really are. Lots of us are single mums too.

I agree that you need to get out of this panic mode of now or never.

First of all the immigration issues alone mean that it could take more than a year.

Second I don't see that much difference between 12 or 14 or 15, it will be a very challenging transition in any of those years. There is nothing about doing it at 12 that will make it THAT much easier, honestly.

(I am an expat btw, American to UK)

It would be madness to marry him just to get him a visa, he would be entitled to half your house etc., that should be for your children.

It would be a shame to lose this relationship, I know, but this is what usually happens in long distance online relationships -- the realities of immigration and moving make things impossible. The people who ignore that usually end up in very bad situations.

The grass is always greener.

I wouldn't move for a man, and I wouldn't want my kids to live in the US.

@Notimeforaname

I'm surprised all the people saying "yes uproot your children from all they know to move to another continent with a man they've met..3 times ? And his family they have met one?! Utter madness.

It's amazing what people will do for sex isn't it?

He moves to UK would be my only option personally. Moving kids is way harder, he has family yes but sees them twice a month. That's not exactly a lot when he lives close by.

I wouldn't move my kids to the US. Better for him to come to the UK for a year or two.

It would be madness to uproot your DC like this. Much better for him to come here (and not live with you and your DC for at least a year), to see how the relationship goes.

I wonder how nice his family would be to you if he moved over here. They are used to seeing him all the time and might well resent you for taking him away.

How come he is renting when he earns a good salary and doesn't have children?

@FreedomFaith

It's amazing what people will do for sex isn't it?

I think that’s a pretty mean comment. The Op is clear that she is in love with this man and they are engaged. I’d imagine that if anything they have had far LESS sex than most couples and have done a lot more talking and getting to know each other.

By the Ops own account she’s had a very hard life so far. She’s bringing up Her two kids on her own without a partner or a supportive family - that’s a very hard thing to do. And she’s working full time and buying her own house.

Why shouldn’t she look for love and happiness, just like everyone else.

There is a saying, if it is too good to be true, then it probably is !

Another saying, never run after a man

Why was he originally looking to connect with someone abroad ?
Does he want children ?
What do you know about his past ?
Does he see you as having money, if you own your own property ?

If you didn't have children it would be much easier for one of you to move

Not a chance would I move in the circumstances you describe and for context I’ve lived in three continents over 20 years, moving first with one child then with three and finally with four.

The reality is you don’t really know him. You’ve talked a lot but you haven’t spent a lot of time together. You haven’t really seen how he interacts with others, what he’s like when he’s sick, miserable, angry or irritated. You see a curated version of his best.

If he’s really your big love, let him come here.

Where in the US would you be moving to? I live in New England and his salary of $60000 would not go far at all here and certainly wouldn't be enough to support you and your kids comfortably.

I have 3 kids and we moved here when my eldest was 10. She's now in high school and doing well and as high school is the last 4 years of school, it's not like the UK where it starts at 11. So your eldest would be fine moving in a couple of years if everything worked out. However, the schools here are excellent, elsewhere in the US, that isn't always the case. So that would also depend on your potential location.