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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:
Im2022 · 12/01/2022 21:15

It won’t seem like it yet, but wait until your child starts school.

I had my first at 24 and thought I was a normal age. When dd started school (I was 30) I found all the mums/dads were at least 40-45. It was quite embarrassing as they were quite cliquey and judgemental. I found my own group of “young mums” though.

starduste · 12/01/2022 21:15

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

I had 2 by 20. Just ignore op..

Also 2 at 20 over here! Usually tend to avoid conversations about when to have kids, it never makes anyone feel good.

Cas112 · 12/01/2022 21:16

You are a young mum

RowanAlong · 12/01/2022 21:16

Twenties at all is young amongst my friends. 21 definitely young mum.

Gymrats · 12/01/2022 21:16

I’m from the south, I was a mum at 22. Bought my flat at 18, was TTC for a year, fell pregnant at 21 and gave birth at 22.
Had my second at 28 which I feel was rather late and should have had her earlier but it took us ages to go from a flat to a house.

jesuistot · 12/01/2022 21:17

I think it was probably the norm a few decades ago, purely going off my grandparents and DHs grandparents- just worked out all of our collectives grandmothers had their first child at 20 or 21, all married as well.

user5656555 · 12/01/2022 21:18

"It's young. Barely finished school. Unlike brilliant me who travelled all over the world. Went to UNIVERSITY, and, get this, had a JOB. No judgement though of course!"

Proof it's not age that's the measure of a person. Nor a measure of intelligence.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 12/01/2022 21:18

15, 16, 17 is a teen mum.
How you can think 21 is not young is beyond me.
The average age is 30 in the UK.
I don't know why you take umbrage at it though, it's just factual.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 12/01/2022 21:19

My friend had her first baby at 37 and was referred to by the midwife as a "geriatric Mum" she was livid Grin I think I would be more pissed off at that than being labelled young.

SevenSteps · 12/01/2022 21:19

I understand why you feel there is some judgement involved, OP. It's very subtle but as societal expectations of age to settle down and have children have changed in the past few decades, there is judgement of those who have children either younger or older than the expected norm. I have found it fascinating that as we have moved to schools in different kinds of areas I have had people assume that I am sister to my eldest and at a very different school that I am grandmother to my youngest!
For what it's worth 21 is biologically just about right, so don't let any negative comments worry you.

secsee · 12/01/2022 21:20

Nope. Old is more frequently pejorative. See also: fat/thin, tall/short and rich/poo

A more accurate comparison might be young vs mature. Having being called young isn't an overt jab but there are definitely perceived negatives to it: immature, lacking experience, people implying you're uneducated or outright doomed

Having kids in 30/40s is now more the norm so it can definitely be taken the wrong way

Lougle · 12/01/2022 21:20

People are shocked that I have 3 over 12 and I'm 42. I had my first at 26, second at 27, and 3rd at 29.

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 12/01/2022 21:20

I'd say you were a young mum. Our local children's centre 'young mums' group is for teens -25. Glad life has gone well for you!

Parker231 · 12/01/2022 21:21

Sounds young to me -at 21 I was still at Uni, hadn’t started work, progressed career or married DH

AiryFairyLights · 12/01/2022 21:21

I think it’s changed over time - I was 19 when I got married and had my first child back in the early 90’s and times/opinions were beginning to change then!
20 years previously I was my mums second after she had my brother and was married at 19.
It wasn’t frowned upon like it seems to be these days and I must admit I can’t imagine my sons or nieces having children at 19 - but at the time I didn’t even think about it!

SpookyScarySkeletons · 12/01/2022 21:21

All in context. I fell pregnant at 19 and had my first at 20. I fell like people were staring and judging all the time. Although it means that now in my 30s my career is soaring while other women my age are taking time out for maternity and childcare.

Funny though that I saw my lovely GP at the time and said it was upsetting me that people were commenting on my age - he said that 100 years ago 20 would have been considered an older mum so to bear that in mind!!

Ladywinesalot · 12/01/2022 21:21

That’s only because now 30’s is the norm for first time Mums
21 in your parents generation would be normal

It’s ridiculous classing 21 as young Mum. Unfortunately our body clocks have not changed and the amount of women I know who have trouble getting pregnant in their 30’s is increasing

ImInStealthMode · 12/01/2022 21:21

Of course 21 is young. It's only 3 years into what will hopefully be 60+ years of adulthood, and arguably most 21 year olds don't have loads of life experience despite sometimes thinking they have.

Whether it's considered a young age to be a Mum will vary depending on your background / relationship / socio-economic situation / social circle etc.

Where I live now 21 would be almost shockingly young to have kids, most at that age are studying, travelling, or establishing a career. Where I'm from meeting someone at school or college and settling down quickly is much more common and 21 wouldn't be thought twice about.

Neither are wrong, just very different.

AiryFairyLights · 12/01/2022 21:21

I didn’t even think about it back then I meant to add

BlueberryJam123 · 12/01/2022 21:22

of course 21 is a young mum Hmm
if 21 is not young, then I don't know what is.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/01/2022 21:22

I was 21 when I had my eldest, I’m now 35.

Of course it’s bloody young.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2022 21:22

Well historically no, but I guess by modern (as in the last 20/25 years or so) yes.

My mother was married at (just) 20 and had me at 22 and my sister at 24. That was considered perfectly normal. Her sister married at 27 and had her children at 28 and 30, she was considered to have left it a bit late.

I had my eldest at 18 and although that was younger than most, a lot of people my age had had at least one by the age of 25, this was in the late 80's early 90's.

dafey · 12/01/2022 21:23

Well to have a child at 21 in the last decade is statistically young

starduste · 12/01/2022 21:23

@MaryShelley1818

21 is a very young mum. Would be unheard of in my friends group as at that age, people are still studying/just qualifying and getting ready to start careers/start travelling. Most people probably haven't got married yet or bought their first homes so definitely not in the position to have babies yet.

We can still do all that.

Gymrats · 12/01/2022 21:23

I just don’t see how people can have kids in their late 30s-40s, see you not really really tired?

I’m mid thirties now and don’t want a 3rd child based on the fact that I don’t want to start all over again, I don’t think I could hack it nowadays!