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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:
CinstonWhurchill · 13/01/2022 20:02

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

I agree. That is fine. If you are working, can pay rent and house yourself and your child/ren no issues.

Motherhippo · 13/01/2022 20:04

I think it depends on your surroundings, background etc.
For example my mum had me at 21 and my brother at 23. I now feel that I'm an "old mum" for having my 1st at 28 and my second at 30. But most people I know are having children around the same time or even later.
So I think 21 would be considered young to be a mum, not that it matters.
My "young mum" is the most amazing mum in the whole world and I'm lucky to have her.

Rainbowpurple · 13/01/2022 20:13

Being a mum is one thing but having met and 100 percent sure of the partner at the age of 20 before deciding to have a baby with that person is really early in life I think.

Rosewaterblossom · 13/01/2022 20:28

@Rainbowpurple

Being a mum is one thing but having met and 100 percent sure of the partner at the age of 20 before deciding to have a baby with that person is really early in life I think.
I think it's a gamble at any age tbh. How many threads on MN are about women who thought they'd met and married the best dh for themselves only for said dh to turn out to be a complete dick once kids come along.

It's a huge gamble at any age.

Kite22 · 13/01/2022 20:47

Wow. How can such an innocuous question with a fairly simple 'yes / no' answer produce so many deleted posts ? Confused
Never saw this thread as being contentious.

jezziej · 13/01/2022 20:47

Definitely a gamble and that's a valid point, I'll admit. Personally, I'm happy with my choice. But sometimes I wonder if we'll be able to tolerate each-other for another 20 years +Grin

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 20:52

@Kite22

Wow. How can such an innocuous question with a fairly simple 'yes / no' answer produce so many deleted posts ? Confused Never saw this thread as being contentious.
Did you not see what they were putting?! Honestly gob smacked.
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 20:54

@jezziej

Definitely a gamble and that's a valid point, I'll admit. Personally, I'm happy with my choice. But sometimes I wonder if we'll be able to tolerate each-other for another 20 years +Grin
I am happy with my choice too. He has stepped up the past few weeks especially. He didn't sign up for basically being my carer at 32.
curlydiamond · 13/01/2022 21:59

Of course 21 is a young mum. I am an old mum with a 2 year old at 42 - the label is only an issue if you want it to be. It can work out great, and well done to those for whom it was the right decision young or old. There's always lots of posts about fertility declining after 35 - I had no problems getting pregnant with my littlest so it wasn't an issue for me at all, but that doesn't mean I dont recognise that fertility can be an issue for over 35's TTC.

If I had met DH younger I would probably had married younger and started a famiily earlier (don't think I would have been TTC before 22 though but that's my personal preference) but we didn't meet until I was 25 so married at 27 and first baby at 29. For me the issue wasn't whether I had a mortgage (though tbf by 25 I did) or had travelled or done enough clubbing, it was whether I'd found the right person to raise a family with (earning a decent living helps too - was pretty skint when the first two were in childcare and am far more comfortable financially now).

I was pretty average age with DS1 and DS2 at baby groups and schools gates - I'm ancient now!

timestheyarechanging · 13/01/2022 22:20

I think it is young. I was still partying a lot and travelling a lot at 21 despite being with my (now ex) husband since 18. I had my first at 29 and second at 34 (with ex H). My daughter is now almost 23 and, despite her being with her boyfriend for a couple of years, I would be shocked (but not unhappy) if she were to have a baby soon. I want her to continue having fun, spending her well earned money on herself, having amazing experiences travelling, before she has children.

timestheyarechanging · 13/01/2022 22:24

....and continue to progress in her career of course. So that when she does have children and returns to work (if she chooses to), she will be able to continue in a job she wants.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/01/2022 06:51

@timestheyarechanging

I think it is young. I was still partying a lot and travelling a lot at 21 despite being with my (now ex) husband since 18. I had my first at 29 and second at 34 (with ex H). My daughter is now almost 23 and, despite her being with her boyfriend for a couple of years, I would be shocked (but not unhappy) if she were to have a baby soon. I want her to continue having fun, spending her well earned money on herself, having amazing experiences travelling, before she has children.
I think that's fine to feel that way, but ultimately it's about what SHE wants, not what you want.
starduste · 14/01/2022 08:44

@timestheyarechanging

....and continue to progress in her career of course. So that when she does have children and returns to work (if she chooses to), she will be able to continue in a job she wants.

I'm no way are they mutually exclusive. Having one child young, as an adult, is not that bad. You can still do holidays, have a social life, have a career, education. Only in previous centuries did having a kid mean you had to get married and be at home all day. It's 2022.

Emerald5hamrock · 14/01/2022 09:11

Only in previous centuries did having a kid mean you had to get married and be at home all day. It's 2022.
Exactly. You don't need to live your life doing one or the others, ensuring you fulfil every experience first, sometimes the best life experience comes from DC.
Once you have them and really love them the time becomes so precious the thoughts of leaving them forever is scary but when your 40 plus years older time is not on your side to be a supportive parent.
You might have plenty of money to support them.
I was 35 on my 2nd with a 6 year gap, I regret not having him earlier now.

SmithofSilver · 14/01/2022 10:22

@Rainbowpurple

Being a mum is one thing but having met and 100 percent sure of the partner at the age of 20 before deciding to have a baby with that person is really early in life I think.
Yet it is celebrated on here when a 38yo meets someone and gets pregnant within a year because they are running out of time even though they barely know one another.
Emerald5hamrock · 14/01/2022 10:37

Yet it is celebrated on here when a 38yo meets someone and gets pregnant within a year because they are running out of time even though they barely know one another.
Exactly.
They apparently want the same things from the off without knowing much about each other, most likely time management.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 14/01/2022 11:08

You are missing the simple fact that at 38 you have vastly more life and dating experience that allows you to notice red flags and weed out the bad ones much sooner.

At 20 you will probably get stuck with the first person you date. You have no term for comparison, you don't have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and your brain still functions at the impulsive risk taking teenage level.

Not to say that having a baby within the first year of a relationship is ever a good idea, but these two situations are not comparable.

cultkid · 14/01/2022 11:14

I keep getting told how young I was at 23

Same friends upset they are still single / living at home

I agree it's not young but it depends on the person type

I look at 21 year olds now and think god you're so young to have a baby. I'm 29 now and I still get told I'm young to be pregnant x

rainbowdaz · 14/01/2022 11:48

@HacerSonarSusPasos

You are missing the simple fact that at 38 you have vastly more life and dating experience that allows you to notice red flags and weed out the bad ones much sooner.

At 20 you will probably get stuck with the first person you date. You have no term for comparison, you don't have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and your brain still functions at the impulsive risk taking teenage level.

Not to say that having a baby within the first year of a relationship is ever a good idea, but these two situations are not comparable.

Very comparable because at 38, if you have a child with the wrong person and split, you're not having anymore! Plus 38 year olds are equally likely to stick with a bad partner as a 32 year old might. Age is not a factor in sticking w/ the wrong person

Being a young single parent (if they split), you still have the chance in the future to meet someone else and have more kids but of course on here women aren't allowed to date again

Neither is ideal, but obviously people will excuse rash behaviour from older women, because it's around their age

CrimbleCrumble1 · 14/01/2022 12:12

I often think the people who meet their partner in their teens or early 20’s are lucky, dating eejits and arseholes in your 20’s and 30’s isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

5128gap · 14/01/2022 12:38

@HacerSonarSusPasos

You are missing the simple fact that at 38 you have vastly more life and dating experience that allows you to notice red flags and weed out the bad ones much sooner.

At 20 you will probably get stuck with the first person you date. You have no term for comparison, you don't have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and your brain still functions at the impulsive risk taking teenage level.

Not to say that having a baby within the first year of a relationship is ever a good idea, but these two situations are not comparable.

Which is balanced by the fact that at 20 your pool of potential partners is much bigger than at 38, so while you may know what you want, you have less chance of securing it than a 20 year old. I don't think a young woman needs to gave dated extensively, or lived a long time, to identify whether a man is decent in not. And if there was ever a time when you don't need to be stuck with the first person who asks, then surely it's when you're considered by our society to be in your prime.
flippertyop · 14/01/2022 13:03

For me it's not about partners - I met my partner when I was 17 and didn't have kids until I was 30 - we are still together I am now 46. It's about experiencing life. Your 20s is the time when you have the least ties and responsibilities. Where you can experience things in a way you will never do later in life. Where most of your friends are also free of ties. You can learn, you can travel or you can just enjoy being free. Yes you can travel now (I do) but you have responsibilities that require you to continue paying a mortgage or requiring a job. Being free of kids in your 40s is not the same. Additionally many of your peers will not be free of children - so again it restricts what you can do. I do accept this is down to socio-economics and perhaps others don't see things the same way but certainly within my peer group and those of my children early motherhood is not something we would have wanted for ourselves or our children but I am not judging others - it's just my perspective

Rainbowshit · 14/01/2022 13:09

I had my first at age 30. Looking back I wish I'd waited another couple of years.

Aussiegirl123456 · 14/01/2022 13:09

Yea 21 is a young mum. I had two babies at 21. Met husband when we were 14 (yikes) and bought out house at 18. Had so much more energy then than now! Had our oppsie daisy but much wanted baby two years ago (at age 35) where I was regarded as a geriatric mother in medical notes! Ouch.
All I can say is kudos to the people who start having babies in their 30’s, it’s so tiring and I’m not sure if I had started this ‘late’ in life that I’d have more than one child. It’s so so tiring!!

Emerald5hamrock · 14/01/2022 13:18

You are missing the simple fact that at 38 you have vastly more life and dating experience that allows you to notice red flags and weed out the bad ones much sooner.
You would think so however many women in their late 30's end up in selfish relationships once the baby arrives, some settle with men they wouldn't look at 10 years ago.
That's a man issue across the board not an age issue.
Many young mothers are with their childhood sweetheart.