DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

On a smaller level, yes... drips chicken water (liquid from raw chicken) off chopping board onto floor, uses dishcloth to wipe it (says he'll throw it away), doesn't throw it away, uses said dishcloth to wipe kitchen surface.

That sort of thing. That on a case by case basis, fine, we all do absent-minded things. But cumulatively, and over the course of decades become THE most irritating thing on the planet (he is otherwise a good, caring, kindly man, so I bite my tongue).

I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

Him getting upset is a way of controlling you. Modifying your behaviour so you don’t upset him. You should be able to point out that he’s made a cock up.

Does he fix the issue? What are the consequences? Is he inconvenienced or do you fix it?

My dh can be like this but he has adhd. Is that a possibility here? The other thing is that my dh is very loving and kind. So I do accept that he really struggles with practical tasks.

@NewYearEveryYear

On a smaller level, yes... drips chicken water (liquid from raw chicken) off chopping board onto floor, uses dishcloth to wipe it (says he'll throw it away), doesn't throw it away, uses said dishcloth to wipe kitchen surface.

That sort of thing. That on a case by case basis, fine, we all do absent-minded things. But cumulatively, and over the course of decades become THE most irritating thing on the planet (he is otherwise a good, caring, kindly man, so I bite my tongue).

Are we married to the same man…like you said it’s a small thing anyone could do but it’s the constant drip drip of doing things wrong

You can't fix people. He may be able to improve himself if he's willing to put in the effort though?

Is he willing to put in the effort? And if not, why not? That's the key question.

@Sexnotgender

I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

Him getting upset is a way of controlling you. Modifying your behaviour so you don’t upset him. You should be able to point out that he’s made a cock up.

Does he fix the issue? What are the consequences? Is he inconvenienced or do you fix it?

I used to make him fix it, but it inevitably led to more things going wrong, including a few things which had long term implications for us as a family. So I just do it myself now.

I bet he manages to do his job ok though? And it's just things that he feels are your responsibility or the woman team assistant's that he messes up.

Long term implications? That doesn’t sound like minor inconveniences. Do you want to live like this forever?

I am your husband. I constantly mess up what appears to be very simple tasks. I also hold a professional job and am studying.

I find organisation very difficult. I always have. Completing a task in one go is near impossible. I am for ever losing items or forgetting things. I have always been like this.

I'm sure my DH finds it extremely annoying. He finds me awkward and so un coordinated. The older I get and as my children have gotten older one has ADD the other is suspected to be on the spectrum.
As I have gone through the diagnosis process with them I am now convinced I have some for of attention disorder.

No my DH cant "fix" me. I ve been trying for years. We work on planning things as much as possible so I remember and both of us try not to get too frustrated when I undoubtedly fuck things up.

Whether ADHD or simply very disorganised, the net result is he doesn’t seem able to multi-task or take on random nonroutine tasks.

So, to better divide the work, I’d offload the routine tasks. The things that need to be done daily or weekly . Such as cooking dinner every night, or doing the weekly grocery shop. Or a weekly deep clean of kitchen and bathrooms. Evening bath and bedtime routine for children.

Hopefully, if it’s a routine, regular task, he will be able to get in the habit of doing it. It sounds like one off tasks really derail him, so perhaps you do those things from start to finish instead.

@Maybe83

I am your husband. I constantly mess up what appears to be very simple tasks. I also hold a professional job and am studying.

I find organisation very difficult. I always have. Completing a task in one go is near impossible. I am for ever losing items or forgetting things. I have always been like this.

I'm sure my DH finds it extremely annoying. He finds me awkward and so un coordinated. The older I get and as my children have gotten older one has ADD the other is suspected to be on the spectrum.
As I have gone through the diagnosis process with them I am now convinced I have some for of attention disorder.

No my DH cant "fix" me. I ve been trying for years. We work on planning things as much as possible so I remember and both of us try not to get too frustrated when I undoubtedly fuck things up.

I’m sorry, that sounds like it must be really difficult for you, thank you for sharing because that sounds like DH. He can finish tasks but only if he’s really interested in them. Good luck for the diagnosis process for your second DC.

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

I bet he manages to do his job ok though? And it's just things that he feels are your responsibility or the woman team assistant's that he messes up.

But he apparently doesn't, without intervention/organisation from his PA, so he's not like the usual men in this complaint who function fine out of the home.

So I don't think it's a usual case of strategic incompetence here.

@EmpressCixi

Whether ADHD or simply very disorganised, the net result is he doesn’t seem able to multi-task or take on random nonroutine tasks.

So, to better divide the work, I’d offload the routine tasks. The things that need to be done daily or weekly . Such as cooking dinner every night, or doing the weekly grocery shop. Or a weekly deep clean of kitchen and bathrooms. Evening bath and bedtime routine for children.

Hopefully, if it’s a routine, regular task, he will be able to get in the habit of doing it. It sounds like one off tasks really derail him, so perhaps you do those things from start to finish instead.

I take your point - the one off tasks probably need more thinking and have more scope for one off errors.

It ended up this way because he delays routine tasks for ever so I’m constantly reminding him (I.e. not starting on dinner until 8 pm on his night to cook, then plan something too ambitious, realise we don’t have ingredients, wander off to the shop etc etc) and neither of us was happy that way

I think I’ll need to consider which regular tasks he can do with minimal impact on us if he messes up

He can finish tasks but only if he’s really interested in them

I expect that’s a luxury position you’d quite like to occupy, isn’t it? Only you can’t, because the buck has to stop somewhere.
Sorry, I get pretty annoyed with the lilies of the field argument. We’d all prefer not to toil. Some of us are just aware that if we aren’t doing it, someone else is.

It sounds like dispraxia to me.
I'd suggest that you only concentrate on the good things he does and praise those. You can't change him but you can change your response

That would drive me insane. The only way he'll stop is if there's a direct consequence but it all affects you as a family rather than just him, doesn't it?

My husband is the same, it’s so frustrating. I regularly end up in tears because I feel enormous pressure never to drop the ball because I know he can’t pick up the slack. All expensive/important stuff has to be done by me or it won’t be done properly.

As another poster has said, he does have some strengths that we can rely on. It took some work but food shopping and cooking is entirely his domain. If he doesn’t do it right (forgetting things etc) I make him sort it out. It’s annoying and we sometimes don’t eat till home 9pm because he will plan a meal that takes ages on a night he works late, but it’s just 1 thing I don’t have to carry all on my own.

Give him different types of jobs.

Hoover, dishwasher, clean floors, wash car, sweep paths that he can’t mess up and you do the other jobs.

@NuffSaidSam

You can't fix people. He may be able to improve himself if he's willing to put in the effort though?

Is he willing to put in the effort? And if not, why not? That's the key question.

I think he doesn’t see these things as related - so he’ll acknowledge the mistake with the oil and in fairness he wouldn’t make the same mistake again, but he won’t link this to a similar mistake on another task

The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!)

I'm sorry but this is just sheer stupidity, there is no excuse for this. If he was unsure which was the water tank and which was the oil tank, even though it's absolutely obvious which is which there is such a thing as a car manual or google to check.

Yes, exactly, if his team admin wasn’t dealing with the same thing at work and if it didn’t extend to things he cares about (not having the car impacts him as well) I would guess strategic incompetence but I don’t think it is

@gabsdot45

It sounds like dispraxia to me. I'd suggest that you only concentrate on the good things he does and praise those. You can't change him but you can change your response

Thank you, I’ll read about dispraxia

But he apparently doesn't, without intervention/organisation from his PA, so he's not like the usual men in this complaint who function fine out of the home.

So I don't think it's a usual case of strategic incompetence here.

But he can do all the work to hold his senior role. It’s just all the wife work bits he apparently can’t or won’t do and expects the eoman team assistant to do.

So I think it is strategic incompetence.

@Spottybotty20

My husband is the same, it’s so frustrating. I regularly end up in tears because I feel enormous pressure never to drop the ball because I know he can’t pick up the slack. All expensive/important stuff has to be done by me or it won’t be done properly.

As another poster has said, he does have some strengths that we can rely on. It took some work but food shopping and cooking is entirely his domain. If he doesn’t do it right (forgetting things etc) I make him sort it out. It’s annoying and we sometimes don’t eat till home 9pm because he will plan a meal that takes ages on a night he works late, but it’s just 1 thing I don’t have to carry all on my own.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too, it’s so rubbish isn’t it? You’ve expressed exactly what I feel - I feel enormous pressure as well to keep on top of everything and it feels so unfair. I just feel like I can’t trust him with anything expensive/ important just as you said.

We’ve had a few disasters with food, especially as DD is a fussy eater but it would be a huge weight off my shoulders if I could handover food prep abd cooking to him. Did you use any specific strategies to keep him mindful (one kid is fussy, one has allergies) so he will need to think a bit

@BronwenFrideswide

The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!)

I'm sorry but this is just sheer stupidity, there is no excuse for this. If he was unsure which was the water tank and which was the oil tank, even though it's absolutely obvious which is which there is such a thing as a car manual or google to check.

I’m as flabbergasted as you are - I even reminded him to check the manual and he’s been driving since 18