DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

He's good tho, in he asks now if he's unsure. All good

Why are they always too special to RTFM or Google. Like how do they think we learnt to do stuff

I can't decide if he's undiagnosed as ND or just incredibly rude and disrespectful. Or both.

I mean, constantly making mistakes has to be wearying. But DS, who is 10, gets down about making mistakes as a result of his processing issues and then we work through strategies and processes to fix it.

Your DH on the other hand, seems to sale through life with an attitude that if he doesn't care about it, it doesn't matter how much it massively inconveniences or upsets or costs other people and that if they, god forbid, dare to challenge him, he will turn it on them.

I'm afraid my sympathy would have dried up a long long time ago. I would see this as not dissimilar to any other major condition or problem that was negatively impacting the rest of the family - fix it, or leave.

He needs to contribute to family life
I’d change the jobs he does to the basic ones. So cleaning etc. Dinner but from a specific list of meals only. And he needs to set an alarm on his phone and start cooking when the alarm goes off.
Does he try and do anything at the moment to manage this condition himself?? It would annoy me greatly if he doesn’t and is content just to let the women in his life fix the trail of destruction he leaves behind him

Have a look at ways to improve his executive functioning skills. I doubt that you can 'change' him but he would definitely benefit from some strategies to help with these day-to-day skills that he seems to struggle with. He may already have lots of strategies that he uses at work without realising that that's what they are. Ask him how he organises himself at work and see if any of the things he does can be carried over into the home environment.

It sounds like ADHD. DP has it, after much trial and error we now split tasks so that I deal with anything that involves paperwork, attention to detail or organising, such as paying bills, hiring tradespeople, or booking holidays. He is in charge of the more physical stuff, particularly things like emptying the bins or the dishwasher as there is a visual reminder that it needs doing (e,g, bin overflowing = needs emptying, long grass = needs mowing!). They're also tasks where there is relatively little consequence if they're not done properly. I'm currently managing our kitchen renovation as we both agree it's preferable!

He also has specific tasks that have to be done on specific days/times as he is better at remembering to do them once a routine or habit has been established (e.g. cleaning cat litter trays every night). We also have an Alexa which reminds him to do these things.

I can identify with some of this if I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think it's likely I have ADD.

Get him to read 'smart but scattered'

It's about executive function of which he sounds like he has issued with. It has practical advice for things he is struggling with. Insight he has a problem could be a start.

To make life easier for both of you, consider a meal plan and pre set shopping list delivered. Even just for his days e.g. M/w/f he cooks spag bol/ curry/ fish and chips and starts cooking 6pm etc. Automating things simplifys them meaning he will get in less of a pickle. Outsource other stuff like cleaning if you can afford it.

I couldn't cope with living like that OP. You must be exhausted. Get him to read this:

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

@lottiegarbanzo

Not checking which opening to put the oil in is not disorganisation though, it's inability to say or recognise 'I don't know, I need to check'.

Perhaps it is strategic incompetence on an extravagant scale, not caring at all about the cost or consequences, so being willing to risk a lot for the luxury of guessing in the moment.

Maybe 'I don't know, I need to check' is so unpleasant, so impossible a thought for him to accommodate, that he is willing to risk anything and everything rather than acknowledge that thought?

I remember you posting very insightful advice on other threads and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here - it’s not disorganisation, it’s not bothering to check / do things properly which is why I’ve been struggling to find advice for this situation.

I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. I think it might be a combination of 2, with the assurance that if it is messed up, I’ll deal with coupled with some really misplaced optimism that it will ‘work itself out’

@cheesepretzel

As you've said he's the same in work rather than just at home, that he can only finish things he's interested in, and has little concept of time (eg not starting an over ambitious dinner until 8pm when it's his turn to cook), please google ADHD inattentive type.

I have this, was diagnosed last year, the only thing that has helped is medication and although it hasn't fixed me it makes everything that much easier for me and also everyone around me.

I’m glad your medication is helping. Thank you, based on this thread, I will look into ADHD. He also has such issues with time keeping, I end up lying and bringing forward the time of any important appointment/ social event

@DaveGrohl

You’re describing my DH (though in his case he filled up my fathers diesel car with petrol. Because he assumed it was a petrol car). The mental load is extreme. And, like your husband, senior in his field (Oxford graduate etc etc). After marriage counselling, we took the unusual step of getting a daily housekeeper. Frees me up to do all the “thinking”, and my job.

Haha well I can dream of a daily housekeeper. Glad it worked out for you. Did the counselling uncover why your husband assumed things rather than checking?

@MummytoCSJH

I’m not one to usually diagnose online, and I hate when people use MH as an ‘excuse’ for why someone might be acting like a dick - when they are most likely actually just a dick - but this really sounds like my ADHD. I know I’m letting people down, and I do care, but no matter how hard I try I find so many simple tasks (like being on time for the school run for example) 10x harder than everyone else I know. I don’t even know how it happens. I look like I’m not trying but in fact I’m trying and still failing :(

I’m so sorry your struggling with this I hope the people close to you see and appreciate how hard you’re trying

@Notsomerryandbright

I feel your pain op. I've got 2 little ones I wouldn't trust him with unsupervised so unfortunately I'm stuck for years yet.

So far this week he's shaved in the shower, didn't clean it and made kid's bath. Didn't see the issue.

Two nights ago he went to fuel the car but the previous time he had screwed the diesel cap on against the natural way the thread goes so it was stuck. Apparently he didn't notice he was putting it back on incorrectly. He came home and had to get the rac out.

He's now in the kitchen trying to force the underside of our hoover back on after trying to clear a blockage. I've shown him so many times and he still can't figure out a simple latch mechanism. It's like slow torture

It IS like slow torture

Why do people equate having a Ph.D. with one's ability to organize the practicalities of life?
This idea of giving your husband a job is bizarre.
Are you his mummy?

You sound like his mother, he's supposed to be your life partner not another child for you to look after.

This must be extremely tiresome to live with. I do think a large part will be strategic incompetence, coupled with some laziness of CBA to check.

Perhaps it is strategic incompetence on an extravagant scale, not caring at all about the cost or consequences, so being willing to risk a lot for the luxury of guessing in the moment.

Maybe 'I don't know, I need to check' is so unpleasant, so impossible a thought for him to accommodate, that he is willing to risk anything and everything rather than acknowledge that thought?

This to me just sounds like male arrogance. “I can’t possibly be wrong, I’m so certain I’ll naturally know the correct answer I won’t bother to check.”

The pay-off they get when they do get it right must make it worth it and confirm their suspicions that they’re the best in the world.

What causes this innate self-confidence? Centuries of a patriarchal society? Overly indulgent people in their lives? Women conditioned to serve men by said patriarchal hangovers? Something in between? All of it?

I agree with giving him the boring, simple, mundane tasks that he can get really good at with repetition eg cooking, laundry, children's bedtimes.

It might take some time at first to set up routines and checklists together but should hopefully give you more time and space for doing the thinking stuff in the long term.

So for instance with the cooking, get him to decide on 7 simple dinners like Monday - sausage and mash, Tuesday - pasta bake, Wednesday - curry.
He needs to take time at first to write out the recipe, the shopping list, the timings.
Checklist - 5.30pm, start cooking. 6pm, dinner on table.
Then if he does the shopping and cooking every day, week-in, week-out, he will get used to it.

Same with laundry - he needs a routine of what wash to do on each day (Monday - whites, Tuesday - change sheets, Sunday - check uniform is ready, with a list of exactly what to check), lists of exactly what powder, temperature and setting to use.
Have him label all the children's clothes with their initial and label every drawer with what clothing items go in it if he currently doesn't know.

If he does have something like ADHD then he needs strategies such as routines and checklists to be able to manage it.

Both me and my DH are like this. My DH has dyspraxia and since going through the assessment process with my DD I suspect I have ADHD (some of the doctors assessing my DD even said as much). I would look up both of them and see if any of it sounds familiar for your DH.

What was the reason you didn’t do the oil?

I do think it’s quite odd you brought the oil but didn’t put it in the car.

I wonder if your division of labour is more confusing than it needs to be.

If he’s so useless doing these half tasks it may be better to allocate full tasks. So you fo everything to do with the car, he does everything to do with utilities, you do the cooking during the week, he does the cooking on the weekend etc.
Most couples I know have set domains which I actually always thought was odd but reading your posts I wonder if this is why.

What always fascinates me about these threads, is that they are never ever ever started by the men.

No man, as described by the OP, ever thinks to himself, I’ve fucked up here, I’m making DWs life increadibly difficult, I wonder if I can do anything to make it better?

No. Just acres and acres of posts by women, who are not the engineers of the trouble in their life, expending vast amounts of energy in not only managing the consequences, but still mustering the will to consult and research and read up and lay bare their own possible shortcomings in an effort to fix a problem that doesn’t even belong to them.

But the men?

Yeah. Crickets.

Dear OP You need to stop nannying this man baby. Sit down with him, explain the various things required to run your joint lives at home, and divi up the responsibilities - not just the tasks , the responsiblities. He needs to take responsibility and if he messes up, take all the consequences himself. Do not step in to clear up the mess. He needs to do it himself. It is the only way to learn. Difficult for you I realise, with the car, meals etc. but this man is getting away with virtual murder, domestically speaking and you are letting him. Stand back from the responsibilities he has to take on, and do not overseer him, however difficult. They are now his responsbilities, and you have your own. His PA at work needs to stop acting as though mummy will make every thing OK, as well. Good luck.

I could be you op.

Same set up here, dh works full time, I work 3 days a week, but I do pretty much everything. I don't feel it's fair because although he works more hours than me, I have to remember absolutely everything household and child related. He does do things, but nothing gets done properly.

Anything he does he seems to mess up. If he does laundry he mixes colours, or shrinks things in the dryer. If he puts laundry away he puts it in the wrong places.

He's messy and cack handed when he cooks. He does very little cleaning. If I ask him to actually clean he tries to dodge it and makes excuses.

He does things like a pp describes leaving dirty sponges and cloths if he washes up.

I don't believe that he means to be like this. He recently left our brand new car unlocked and it was stolen. He loses his keys wallet and phone every day.

He doesn't communicate well with other people often leading to errors and misunderstandings so say for example he was arranging childcare with his parents, he misses important pieces of info like the times.

Sounds just like my DH !! He also lacks initiative to just do jobs that need done. He needs told specifically what to do then acts like Kevin the teenager huffing and puffing that he’s having to lift a finger. That’s not even the worst of it. 9 times out of 10 he does half the job then wanders off. When I find the half finished jobs it just enrages Ben then he’s like well I Obvz can’t do anything right and you enjoy moaning so I’m just giving you something to moan at !!! Uv heard of odd job ? I married hauf Job !!

Have a look into dyspraxia. My son is similar but on a smaller scale (obviously don't have him topping up oil 😄). His dad built bunk beds the wrong way round so the ladder was near the wall, put ds handlebars on his bike back to front and didn't tighten wheels on properly. He forgot to renew his insurance and had car seized by the police.
Give him a few things that he's ok at and build up that skillset. Don't give him more than 2-3 instructions at once. Sorry if this sounds condescending but may turn out to be helpful

This thread is exactly why you let kids try things and work things out for themselves. If they mess up you tell them “ making mistakes is how we learn”. You don’t freak out, tell them they are useless or hit them. (Not saying you do OP) I’m saying some kids with hypercritical parents who spoon feed them everyone never learn how to DO things. They go into paralysis waiting for the inevitable telling off. I am not saying OP’s husband has had this done but it’s one of many possibilities. Let them learn to cook, clean, wash, fix, tinker and work stuff out and congratulate them when they do it well.