DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

Just to add, he reminds me of my dad a lot, who relies on my mum to organise everything and boss him about at home, but professionally had a career as a doctor...

@SouthernFashionista

I wonder is *@MrsKoala* still around. She used to frequently post about her DH who sounded similar.

I’m here. Yes. My h has organisational issues. As do all my children.

All of them due to a variety of diagnosed and undiagnosed, but highly probable issues.

As the only ‘sensible’ person in the house I can say it’s hard. It’s actually more than that.

It rules my life.

Apologies op, I also have millions of examples. Most just irritating but some actually dangerous. (Resulting in almost dead children)

People will say leave. Of course they have little idea of the dangers that includes. But, and I know this is controversial here, how will he look after the children if you aren’t there? And if you divorce he will probably get some time alone with them.

I speak from experience. And I’d rather be unhappy than have a child with an injury or worse.

The reality for me is staying till the kids are older.

So I'm just here to add another voice to the ADHD camp. I have ADHD and I often fail to see the wider picture, mess the most obvious things up and abandon things halfway through.

My car is currently full of Christmas decorations that I need to take to our storage unit. Boot, back seat and front passenger seat all full. I drove to Tesco the other night for milk and ended up buying £90 of shopping that I clearly had no room for in the car and no way to transport it home. I'm an absolute dickhead at times.

It is very very hard to stay on track. In any given moment there's a million different thoughts exploding in different directions. You don't always notice that you've left one train of thought and are now pursuing another. It takes a real effort to try and concentrate and even then with the best of intentions, it doesn't always work.

And things which seem obvious to other people just don't make sense. The "obvious" way to do things simply doesn't occur to me a lot of the time - but when it's pointed out I wonder how I didn't think of it myself.

I'm an intelligent woman with a decent career, but being self employed is a massive help. I have two DC (both with SEN) and I'm the primary caregiver which I juggle with home education and full time work. I get things done - but maybe not in the order or way that other people would expect.

It's not trendy to admit but ADHD is a disability - it makes life bloody hard and people judge you. Being in my head is just exhausting. I wish I could somehow "learn" how to adult. Life just feels confusing a lot of the time - like a series of events which I just know are going to trip me up, no matter how hard I carefully think about what to do. There will always be an obvious aspect that I just haven't noticed. And I am deeply sorry about that for those who have to live with me!

@Bunbunbunny, do you get defensive, whine about 'genuine mistakes' and try to shut up your significant other if you have one, without sitting down and totting up all the mistakes, wondering if perhaps you make a lot of genuine mistakes, wondering if the mistakes are taking a toll on someone you love, and asking yourself if there is some way to deal with this?

Firstly people who are nd become very good at masking in certain situations so they appear more capable of managing than they are. This often has a knock on effect in places they feel safer such as home behaviours may be more extreme. Also if job includes a specific interest of a nd person they will be able to focus much more and appear very capable and still struggle out of work, this is often case with nd engineers or scientists.

In the case of a man who has apparently made mistakes that could have turned out really badly for his children but still hasn't come to any realisation that ignoring the problem is a good idea, there is another way of looking at this - a man who is capable of intense focus in a context that matters to him because that is where his ego will get the most gratification in the form of association with people he feels are his peers, leadership roles, professional accolades, while he feels he doesn't have to make an effort at home because the people there are not worth it and it's never going to be as gratifying as career success. In fact, all it offers is repetitious, boring, mundane tasks. Nobody is going to clap you on the back for taking the bin out or digging out the cat's litter box.

With mine:
"Does he sometimes pick up old cold cuppa when near the one he wanted?"

No but he will boil a kettle get the tea bags out into the pot, pour milk into a cup and then forget to come back to the kettle for 2 hrs as he just stuck into something else instead.

"Does he often go off with someone elses laptop, notebook, documents at work?"

No because he has organised himself to have two desktops, one at home and one at work, he has a laptop but only uses it for conferences and seminars etc. All documents he does electronically as he was forever putting them down somewhere and forgetting where. One thing good about him is he doesn't lose things, in fact in the last 50 years he says there are only 3 times he can remember losing things, once 35 yrs ago he is totally convinced someone stole 5 pounds from him, 15 years ago a local vendor took 10 notes from him and then said they only took 9 and he lost a little rear light off a bicycle which still sometimes today I find him going though stuff in our house looking for it. Not knowing things or where they are really annoys him.

"Pick up random pints in pub not his?"

No because he doesn't go anymore, when he used to go he would always hold his pint and never put it down so he wouldn't lose it - see above.

"Buy wrong size or type socks pants general clothes for himself?

Usually no because before he goes he looks at his old ones and writes down the size and goes to exactly the same shop and buys exactly the same again as far as he can in the exactly the same size. If anything changes so he can't get the exact replacements it causes mass panic as he can't figure out sizing at all and always ends up with the wrong size.

Every single week he will have to be told at work he has put a polo shirt/Jumped on inside out though. He never remembers to check on that sort of thing before leaving the house. If it's hanging up inside out he won't realise and will just wear it as is.

Drives me mad sometimes, if you send him a message saying lets meet at X at time Y and there is the slightest mistake in the message he can't seem to figure it out, sometimes if the message is perfectly correct he will still get it wrong because he thought I meant something else and had made a mistake in the original message. The other day I send me a message saying meet at OK Soga which is the name of a pizza place, unfortunately here we also have a chain store called OK and a few department stores called Sogo so he went to the OK shop near (not ever next too) the Sogo closest to where we live instead, all the time wondering why we'd meet there when it doesn't serve food.

[quote mathanxiety]@Bunbunbunny, do you get defensive, whine about 'genuine mistakes' and try to shut up your significant other if you have one, without sitting down and totting up all the mistakes, wondering if perhaps you make a lot of genuine mistakes, wondering if the mistakes are taking a toll on someone you love, and asking yourself if there is some way to deal with this?[/quote]
Wow what's put you in a mood? Let me guess you don't think ADHD is real and it's just a big excuse. Well it is real, it's a disability and adhd brains are different.

No I don't get defensive & whine at my DH, do you know why? Because I communicate with my DH, thanks to my diagnosis we are able to understand why I do or don't do things a certain way. As soon as we realised it was a possibility we paid privately to be assessed because we wanted answers & I needed help. My disability does make things harder but my DH understands it's not my fault and has been incredibly supportive. I make sure to tell him and do the things I can do he knows how much I appreciate everything he does.

We left a holiday house the other day with me saying to Dh 'are you sure you have everything'.? Two hours in the car later he remembered he had left his (unused) wetsuit in the cupboard. Luckily s-i-l was staying nearby and able to go and get it. Exactly the same thing happened last year.

No I don't get defensive & whine at my DH, do you know why? Because I communicate with my DH, thanks to my diagnosis we are able to understand why I do or don't do things a certain way. As soon as we realised it was a possibility we paid privately to be assessed because we wanted answers & I needed help. My disability does make things harder but my DH understands it's not my fault and has been incredibly supportive. I make sure to tell him and do the things I can do he knows how much I appreciate everything he does.

Well that's my point here.

The OP's husband does nothing to help himself avoid all the 'genuine mistakes' he makes (I quote the OP, who is quoting her husband here) and get help figuring out why he makes all these mistakes and how to avoid them or develop systems for himself at home, even though there have been serious consequences for the family stemming from some of his mistakes.

I got the impression the OP was not talking about small potatoes like missing buses when she mentioned consequences for her family. Her H thinks she should shut up about his mistakes, clearly feeling she is unreasonably cross with him. This is the behaviour of someone who thinks his wife should shoulder all of the mental load of family life while his career advances because that is what he is focused on.

I am not 'in a mood' here. I am basing all of my posts about this man on what the OP has written about him.
I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

He is able to coast along thanks to a lot of hard work on the part of the women in his life.

Does ADHD make people into selfish assholes? Clearly not, because you and so many other people here with ADD/ADHD sound like considerate and kind people who are working hard to make healthy, happy relationships.

I think it might be very different if it's the woman who has adhd, rather than the man. Starting with accepting there is even a problem.

I have ADHD and it's like being a three year old with a dysfunctional parent ALL THE TIME. The guilt and shame at not being better able to "adult" is huge. Anyone who thinks it's about taking the easy option - letting others do the grunt work- is so so wrong. I would absolutely love to be organised and capable of doing simple tasks without the anxiety and then too often the reality, of fucking up.

Anyone who thinks it's about taking the easy option - letting others do the grunt work- is so so wrong.

That depends on the person. The OP's DH has been letting other people "adult" for him. Maybe he doesn't even know he is doing it because the women in his life (at home and at work) have been doing it for him, possibly without fully realising that's what they're doing. There is such a thing as being in denial.

wombat1a it sounds is if you husband has a raft of coping strategies for outside the home. Does he have strategies for home? Or does he still think home is where he gets to relax while everyone else looks after him?

Most just irritating but some actually dangerous. (Resulting in almost dead children)

Blimey MrsKoala that's extreme! What do social services say about it? Any chance you could get a support worker /trained au pair / trained sitter to give the family (you!) some respite, and then when you leave the support worker can keep your children safe while they're visiting your husband?

And is your husband diagnosed? I do know of one woman in the US whose husband was given a condition of access to the children that he was assessed (in his case for ASC) and that he accepted professional help because he couldn't read the signs that his pre-verbal children were hungry, thirsty, hurt etc. But that's in the US, different here of course.

It’s okay Amarillys it’s not that extreme really I suppose. Especially now they are bigger (h also wouldn’t remember to give water etc when little). He has poor risk assessment skills (as does ds1). He left an upstairs window open when they were young and ds2 fell out. I know it was an accident and it happens to people but I’d never live with myself if something like that happened again. SS aren’t involved in any way.

It’s more day to day things now like needing food and clothes prepared if I go out.

Last week I had a bit of an insight. I made a mistake. I got the dc swimming lesson wrong so we arrived just as it was finished. The dc were disappointed and it had cost £50. It’s exactly the kind of thing h would usually do and just shrug that it’s ‘one of those things’. I felt awful though. I apologised to the dc and took them swimming the next day to make up for it. I bought a calendar and wrote all dates and times for everything on it so I wouldn’t do it again. H was quite bemused at my response, saying ‘oh don’t worry about it, it happens to me all the time’. And I realised he’s so used to it that he doesn’t recognise it or learn from it. He feels it’s so normal that there’s nothing he can do about it. I do understand that it’s hard when you struggle with order and organisation but it’s also really hard for those around you.

DS2 sat there quietly musing out loud the other day 'I will probably have to live with you when I am older as I am so disorganised and can't concentrate on learning simple tasks'. I felt a bit guilty about it tbh as I am the worlds biggest coper and have just got shit done since DS1 was born 19 years ago, I have been on a campaign to teach DS2 how to do laundry, cook meals, sweep, light a fire, hoover, get some shopping in and on and on. I can see that anyone he lives with as a partner will be driven mad by him. He can't even really get himself to go to bed or get up at the right times. I would like to say it is my crappy parenting but it isn't DS1 and DD are much more capable. He is just hard wired (or not) this way. he can learn about zombie parasites taking over insects but he can not get his shit t0gether no matter how much I try rote learning. Praying its just being 14 years old but suspect not. I guess it's how people respond to it that matters? You either choose to live with it OP or you don't. It's that simple.

@SafeMove is your ds like this on medication? I realise I'm hoping it is the answer to many things, and it may not be! If it works on ds, then will start broaching it with dh..

@Drunkpanda No, the only medication he takes is Melatonin to help him sleep and therefore concentrate at school. I do wonder if medication would help but I worry about the message I am giving him, that somehow his personality is broken? It isn't. There are so many positives about the boy. But for his own sake, I do wonder if I am doing him a disservice by not pushing medication? He feels so so shit about it and he is obviously worrying about his future. The people who give out door passes at school are on first name terms with him as he has lost his entrance card so often.

If you can't sleep, you give something for that, so if you can't focus, why not take something for it too? My ds seems fine with the idea. It doesn't change their character, it wears off every night, and might help through the school years. Worth a shot (I think)

Driven to Distraction is a helpful book exploring ways of dealing and coping with ADHD.

Have just ordered a copy

This is a really intresting thread. @Westminwarthog perhaps your DH could explore ND assessment. A friend of mines recently got this due to doing same for DC - he can't change how he is but everyone understanding it better and learning ways to adapt has helped them immeasurably as a family.