DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

But he apparently doesn't, without intervention/organisation from his PA, so he's not like the usual men in this complaint who function fine out of the home.

So I don't think it's a usual case of strategic incompetence here.

But he can do all the work to hold his senior role. It’s just all the wife work bits he apparently can’t or won’t do and expects the eoman team assistant to do.

So I think it is strategic incompetence.

I agree, he passes on the stuff he doesn't want to do or feels is beneath him knowing it will be done properly.

OP say there are hundreds of instances, if he cared at all about correcting his incompetence he would work damned hard to do so, he doesn't care he just thinks an apology will suffice.

@BronwenFrideswide exactly.

Would he tolerate looking so incompetent to his boss and peers?

Not in a month of Sundays.

Nobody has "fixed something like this". This is who he is, and you either have to accept him, and focus on what that doesn't drive you batshit, or accept that you can't live like this, which would be totally understandable. Occupying the middle ground will grind you both down over time, he will feel inadequate, you will feel furious and resentful. Not a good role model for any kids. Personally, he sounds like a liability and I'm with you, it would drive me insane. Not sexy. But if you can't change the situation, you have to change how you think about the situation. Or leave. And that's ok too.

Not checking which opening to put the oil in is not disorganisation though, it's inability to say or recognise 'I don't know, I need to check'.

Perhaps it is strategic incompetence on an extravagant scale, not caring at all about the cost or consequences, so being willing to risk a lot for the luxury of guessing in the moment.

Maybe 'I don't know, I need to check' is so unpleasant, so impossible a thought for him to accommodate, that he is willing to risk anything and everything rather than acknowledge that thought?

You’re describing my DH (though in his case he filled up my fathers diesel car with petrol. Because he assumed it was a petrol car). The mental load is extreme. And, like your husband, senior in his field (Oxford graduate etc etc). After marriage counselling, we took the unusual step of getting a daily housekeeper. Frees me up to do all the “thinking”, and my job.

I'd find it really difficult to be attracted to someone like this, if I felt I had to spend all day every day mothering them just to get shit done.

Have you had a really honest conversation with him about how his lack of care and interest is making you feel? He may well be one of life's less organised and capable people, but the critical question is that he knows he's like this so what is he doing about it? What steps is he taking to try and get more organised and to act like a husband rather than a child in your family? He can't be completely incapable if he drives a car and holds down a senior role? Or is this strategic incompetence - I know I'm crap at it but I don't care about it so I'm not going to bother to make any effort to get better?

My DH told me he intentionally made everyone a shit cup of coffee at work so they’d never ask him again and said his (male) colleague admitted to doing the same thing. I think men do this deliberately so they don’t get asked again.

...Does he base his status, his identity, on being somebody who knows things? Important, clever things?

Is it that anything he does not already know and is not interested in finding out, is simply beneath him? Petty knowledge for the little people?

The thing is, lots of people have made a mistake with petrol / diesel in their lives, because you cannot discern from the tank entrance, which goes in there (unless labelled). It is possible to forget, or make a distracted mistake. Whereas, with oil and water, you can see it when you open the lid.

The degree of distraction necessary to avoid noticing oil / water is pretty massive.

As you've said he's the same in work rather than just at home, that he can only finish things he's interested in, and has little concept of time (eg not starting an over ambitious dinner until 8pm when it's his turn to cook), please google ADHD inattentive type.

I have this, was diagnosed last year, the only thing that has helped is medication and although it hasn't fixed me it makes everything that much easier for me and also everyone around me.

I’m not one to usually diagnose online, and I hate when people use MH as an ‘excuse’ for why someone might be acting like a dick - when they are most likely actually just a dick - but this really sounds like my ADHD. I know I’m letting people down, and I do care, but no matter how hard I try I find so many simple tasks (like being on time for the school run for example) 10x harder than everyone else I know. I don’t even know how it happens. I look like I’m not trying but in fact I’m trying and still failing :(

I feel your pain op. I've got 2 little ones I wouldn't trust him with unsupervised so unfortunately I'm stuck for years yet.

So far this week he's shaved in the shower, didn't clean it and made kid's bath. Didn't see the issue.

Two nights ago he went to fuel the car but the previous time he had screwed the diesel cap on against the natural way the thread goes so it was stuck. Apparently he didn't notice he was putting it back on incorrectly. He came home and had to get the rac out.

He's now in the kitchen trying to force the underside of our hoover back on after trying to clear a blockage. I've shown him so many times and he still can't figure out a simple latch mechanism. It's like slow torture

Sounds totally adhd/neurodiverse. I appreciate how stressed and pressured you feel and it is not generally fun for the adhd person to struggle and continually mess things up. Sorry if you already addressed this, but how would he react if in a kind and gentle way you suggested he might have a neurodiverse brain? There are positives with a neurodiverse brain, so maybe look those up before you speak to him so it's not all doom and gloom. If he could look into adhd a possibility, then you could work out strategies together.

I can’t cope with all these threads about genuinely appalling men. I can’t decide if it’s worse if it’s genuine stupidity or if it’s contrived stupidity so women no longer burden them with things they can’t be arsed to do. All I know is my blood pressure cannot fucking cope.

You all have my deepest sympathies.

I have a friend with dyspraxia and she would do the things you have described.

Watching with interest as I'm in a very similar situation.

My DH tries really hard but gets things wrong ALL the time. I try not to make him feel like I'm nagging and leave him to get on with stuff... but when I do, he inevitably cocks it up. Things like putting a clean sheet ON TOP of a dirty sheet... then havng no idea where the other sheet is. Or saying the wrong thing to the builder so that he does the wrong thing and then I have to pay for him to come back and correct it (despite us having discussed what we want first)... saying he'll invite xyz over then after I've asked him for the 8th time if he's done it (thereby carrying the mental load of remembering myself) I'll just do it anyway... or cooking dinner and only putting in 4 sausages for 3 people (when he himself would eat 4 by himsellf)... endless endless little examples which seem trivial individually but get really wearing and the end result being that you don't feel you can rely on them to do anything.

I feel for you, it sucks. Striking the right balance between supportive and stopping things from getting messed up is really tiring.

I think you have it lucky, we live in country where DH can not speak the language, he has been taking lessons on and off for more than 20 yrs. On Monday he took a mock test after his latest round of 18 weeks of language lessons and scored..... 3%. His 'excuse' was that the questions where in the local language and every single question had something he didn't understand. Since 2/3 of the test was multiple choice a monkey should have got 20%. His office paid for the course but we will have to reimburse them because if you fail the course you have to pay it back to them.

Of course this means virtually everything is either done by me or has to be checked by me - and this again is a man with a Ph.D. in science and a lab head at one of the national labs here - head hunted by them to lead this lab. Both his secretary and I know without us he would survive on MacDs as its the only thing he can order using the pictures there.

I’ve just finished reading Fair Play. It could help. It’s annoying in parts but the concept is good.

Yet another man who relies on a woman, or a series of women, to do all the sh!t jobs 😫 There’s no shortage of these ar$eholes is there?

For the record, I’ve got an ADHD diagnosis and I manage to do everyday tasks by using a big diary and writing everything down. If it’s not in my diary I probably won’t do it, so I make sure I write things down immediately. I’ve not even got a PhD, so your useless partner has no bl**dy excuse for his utter incompetence and reliance on inferior human beings, or women as they are better known to him 🤬

How do you organise family finances? I bet if meeting the cost of his errors came from his personal spending rather than family funds meaning he couldn't afford to go to the pub or do his hobby he would quickly become more comfortable about asking for help. And at least it wouldn't affect the rest of the family finances.

I wouldn't get mad about these mistakes, it won't help, drains you and enables him to make you the bad guy. Deep sigh, disappointed face, tell him that it could have been prevented if he would only get help/look it up/check before he started. Leave the leg work and financial burden of sorting it out in his court.

I would also rethink how you divide tasks. Get him doing low risk low glamour jobs like cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, cleaning the oven, defrosting the freezer, cleaning the windows. If he cocks up just send him back to do it again and again until he does it right, no drama no yelling, no taking over, he'll soon learn that doing it properly is the easiest option.

His attitude will tell you all you need to know.

My DH genuinely struggles with certain types of task, but because it is genuine and he isn't a dick stuff like hoovering, washing up, cleaning the bathroom, washing the windows, washing the car, sweeping the garden, and mowing the lawn are done properly and frequently. Equally my Dad has a mental block with the washing machine, but is on the ball with more than enough other stuff that he can pull his weight without doing the washing.

There's a lot of these threads. It never ceases to amaze me that people don't "try before you buy" with DHs! I mean live with them for a while, assess them to see if they are reasonable or shit. If they can't manage basic tasks then they go back in the sea until they can.... I know that doesn't fix your problem OP, but do people really not think about this before marrying or having kids?

I have ADHD and, whilst I recognise many of these traits, I have had to learn to find ways of organising myself and remembering things. I make lists, use a diary & calendar, set reminders on my phone. The mental effort to do this is really huge and exhausting and I think that is something 'normal' people find it difficult to understand.

So, he can't change how his brain is wired but possible could learn strategies to make things easier. It does sound like he has other good points - I mean the oil in the water thing is obviously infuriating, but I'm just imagining how bad and how stupid he must feel as well.

This would/did do my head in.

If there was way to misinterpret what I'd asked my ex to do he'd find it. Sometimes finding the loopholes would have been far harder than just doing it correctly to start with but if it was domestic task related or kid related it didn't matter if it got screwed up. It wasn't important enough to care.

I'm.not an organised person it doesn't come.easy to me. I just couldn't deal with the added mental load of trying to do his thinking for him too.

Funnily enough he's not dropped dead or list his job now he's single so hes clearly capable.

They usually are when they have no choice and they have to suffer the consequences.

Fuck that shit

I have one who can never finish a job but goes about undoing things that are done, drives me to tears.
Then I get comments like ' yes Matron' and stop saying negative things to me'
It's the not learning by mistakes that makes me frustrated..,

Thing is, it's easier for him if you just do it.

And he'll let you do it, no problem.

It needs to inconvenience him, that's the key. Childish I know, but needs must.

Mine put floor cleaner powder instead of flour in a crumble once. PhD & everything. 😁

He's good tho, in he asks now if he's unsure. All good.