DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

Why are women having to expend untold energy managing their supposedly inept man-baby husbands?! Whyyyyyyyy?! 😫

Spoon feed everything

@Joined4this

This thread is exactly why you let kids try things and work things out for themselves. If they mess up you tell them “ making mistakes is how we learn”. You don’t freak out, tell them they are useless or hit them. (Not saying you do OP) I’m saying some kids with hypercritical parents who spoon feed them everyone never learn how to DO things. They go into paralysis waiting for the inevitable telling off. I am not saying OP’s husband has had this done but it’s one of many possibilities. Let them learn to cook, clean, wash, fix, tinker and work stuff out and congratulate them when they do it well.

But they’re adult men?! With jobs! And in some cases PhDs!!!!! Why the fuck should these women have to treat them like experimental toddlers?!

I mean those kids turn into inept men.

As a parent of a daughter with dyspraxia some of what you describe is familiar. They do struggle with initiative than can come across as being lazy, but their not. She is very high achiever in things she is interested in but some basic tasks are beyond her especially around coordinator and judging physical distances and where she is in a space. She can't catch a ball, for example, but has won awards for acedemic papers. She is also hyper sensitive to noise and likes repetitive actions like being on a swing for hours. But she recognises her limitations and builds in strategies for coping. For example, she often splashes at the opening of a hot water bottle when starting to fill it which is obviously dangerous. She's fine when she finds the opening, so she pours very slowly and wears oven gloves. This is just one of many examples on how she copes.
It is rare for her not to knock something over during the day or bump into something where she misjudged the distance. She also writes down what she has to do or she just forgets. Once you know all this, you realise they are actually trying and it's not just strategic helplessness.
But men with dyspraxia are often less likely to admit it or realise the issues and then they come across as lazy or incompetent.
But tasks we just do can cause them genuine issues.

My dh would do some of these things, and like yours OP has a phd and is intelligent.
Our Ds has adhd and I now suspect this may have been inherited! Knowing this helps me be a bit more understanding but it doesn't reduce any of the stress and workload that falls on my shoulders. Add in being very touchy when things are pointed out to him.

Please find out about ADHD and encourage him to do the same. There are lots of strategies that are useful, as well as possibly medication, that could make a big difference if this is the issue.

MrsSugar
Why do you put up with this? It must be like being married to a child.
Please get him to take total responsibility for something, and if he messes up, he takes the consequences. You deserve a man, not a sulky teenager.

@Joined4this

I mean those kids turn into inept men.

Apologies. I thought you meant that’s how they needed to be treated as adults. This thread gave me the collywobbles.

I once caught DH doing completely the wrong thing and asked him why he didn't check first if he wasn't sure how to do it. His answer was he not unsure, he knows what he is doing so doesn't need to check. So that explained that, he not unsure, he's completely wrong but sure he is right at the time so doesn't think about checking,.

He's got something hasn't he. I know an incredibly talented and successful person who is similar. Often wonder how they got there and what is going on

Jeez OP this sounds awful.

Not starting dinner til 8pm, and starting being starting to THINK about what to cook....!!!

I'd be rethinking this entirely. Spend his money since that's apparently all he contributes on a practical, domestic chore/life burden level. Spend his money on reducing your mental and physical load. So, cleaner, ready meals and hello fresh, take aways. Nanny or babysitter or child minder for kids, weekend and after school activities where the parent doesn't participate so you get a break. Consider a concierge service, a virtual assistant for the life admin tasks. Share the logins in Lastpass so they can access secure info, make sure they're uk based if you do that. They can place online shopping orders, do banking tasks online, call garages (!) Make dentist apps etc for you.

He's telling you with his behaviour that he expects his contribution to be purely financial, take him at his word finally.

And by the way, 3 days a week working is more than half of 5, so instead of him being ft and you being pt, try forcing him to be more specific and say he works 5 days out of the home while you work 3 out of the home. It just makes it a lot clearer then as to how much time each of you spends where.

GOOD LUCK

It really really REALLY sounds like ADHD. BFF’s dad, totally ADHD, professorial, PHD, cannot accomplish any tasks.

Other good friend, diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Now on medication and she’s so on top of things I find it annoying!

Seriously pursue evaluation , you might have to do the leg work to get it, but once he has some coping strategies and/or medication, it could be life changing for your family.

I’m sorry OP. What I’m going to say will seem really unkind. But I struggle to have much sympathy.

Surely you knew he was like this when you made the decision to be his life partner? I can’t believe it sprang out of nowhere on the day you said ‘I do’.

I realise you can’t go back in time and my contribution is monumentally unhelpful. But these posts crop up on here every single day, and they all be the same unspoken question

How do capable, together, ‘with it’ women end up saddled with absolutely sub-standard useless, ineffectual men, who make their day-to-day home lives so frustrating and miserable?

I don’t know what to suggest. I don’t think he’s going to change. The issue sounds so intractable, that it surely actually is some sort of neuro-divergence. I mean, either that or he’s simply a moron, and you seem charitably convinced he’s not, so….

No-one is really going to be able to give you any usable advice beyond suggesting you find a way to live with him and his utter incompetence. It is so deeply unattractive in an adult.

You, on the other hand sound lovely. And you have the patience of an utter saint. I’m really sorry.

I know about 85% of comments are pretty sure he has ADHD or something else in that area.

Going against the grain here with the minority view.

I found this v interesting.

'He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.'

Any indication he is disorganised when it comes to presumably his same level colleagues in team? Or when it comes to those senior to him?

Forgetting deadlines, having to finish presentations to senior colleagues/ v senior colleagues/ clients?

When writes documents, commications to wide audience, reports, strategy docs, important stuff in his role...
Does he run in last minute because racing to finish the things he is discussing/ requesting, reporting etc?

Has he mentioned that the sort of approach your see has come up in performance review or 1-1 with boss?

Or have you had no indication of anything like that, except for his female admin support?

There are posts on here every 5 mins for men who do this stuff.
And it's because deep down they don't see it as their responsibility. Or in fact anything to do with them.
They fuck it up because they aren't interested at all. They shouldn't be doing it in first place.
Often I think it's not even consciously done.
They just don't think, don't pay attention to what doing.
Some do it on purpose to get out of stuff.
Even many who do the stuff fine only do stuff when asked, reminded etc.
Leaving the noticing putting on mental list reminding to someone else.
From mum to female partner/wife to even woman who looks after his stuff at work...

Why do women feel it's their obligation to "fix" their DP/DH. How many men would even think that way. They don't, they just dump and run and move in to a newer better model. But women seemingly struggle on to the bitter end, or ask people for advice on how to "fix the problem", of a grown adult.

My view is, if they are that fucking useless and incompetent then they're beyond help and there's no way you can teach an old dog new tricks. It must be exhausting.

There was that long running thread about incompetent me, and honestly it was so depressing as to have to click away. How do they manage to hold down paid employment, is the mystery question.

Sorry this

From mum to female partner/wife to even woman who looks after his stuff at work...

Is pretty common, but not saying in any way universal! For men in general, or for those whose efforts around home/family tasks are performed in way hopeless in some way.

me = men

Daisy agree vv unlikely will be able to make any permanent fixes.

In my personal opinion.

Loads of the standard ideas/ things trotted out etc about men women are reversals. The 'stories' society pushes often are just widely back to front.

In this case that women need a man more than vice versa.

In reality, putting aside all the factors around children, jobs, earning etc etc.

IME and have read loads. Women are much more independent, capable, and happier than men who live alone.
In general.

Maybe is changing now if men are getting more new man type stuff. Dunno.

They stay at parents home longer before move out. Return parent home if eg split up girlfriend living with etc much more than vice versa.

Women tend to look after their health, fitness, diet better. Drink less smoke less. Maintain social life and doing interesting things. I dunno prob more to it.

Idea we need man, and men only get 'tied down' when woman badgers him into it. Nah.

The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!)

This isn't normal. I know fuck all about cars. I even asked the woman in the auto trader shop to fit a new bulb for me because I was nervous about removing the plastic cover. But even I wouldn't be so stupid as to put oil into a water tank. I think even a child wouldn't make this mistake.

I think something else is going on here. He's either doing it on purpose or there is an underlying problem that hasn't been diagnosed.

Oh daisy

From my decades of observation.

Women in long term relationship/with kids, tend to see if relationship can be improved (if they still like love them except for...). And when had good go at it, leave.

Men who leave, it's v much usually because met someone else.
They stay until got another woman... Vv different dynamic. Vv telling difference.

Contraversial. I think loads are vv self centred. And somewhat cowardly.

Even worse:

I've worked with at least 4 men who:

• married, someone met at uni, in early 20s
• tell her not ready children, careers first, later etc.
• when she gets to early -mid 30s

-leaves for someone much younger and immediately has a host of children quick succession

That is an utterly shit thing to do. And not vv unusual.

lady other options-

He didn't know or wasn't sure which one.
Not going to say to wife she'll say I don't know either let's Google, look through manual, ask relative etc.
It'll be a pita.

Maybe he thought
Hmm prob this one got opening pouring bit. There done. Cool I'll go do what I want and no more hassling.

Loads men hate admitting they don't know how to do something like that generally. Same thing as his how IME asking directions is totally not ever ok. I'm sure it's this way. It isn't.

Could be deliberate to cause her more work, or not have to do again.

Or just the thing that is underlying root of this.
Not my job, responsibility.
Not interested.
Don't care.
So pays no attention at all. Just does... Something that sort of probably means can say done.

That stuff.

If he is perfectly well able to function among people he considers his equals (clearly not you, nor his PA) then this isn't ADD/ ADHD/ Dyspraxia.

Give him an ultimatum about seeking an assessment for those conditions. Do not accept no for an answer.

I suspect he is an arrogant man who resents being asked to do chores he feels are beneath him, especially by a woman.

The oil thing - I agree with PPs, he was probably completely sure he was right.

I also agree with the excellent suggestion upthread to start thinking in terms of, 'I work three days outside the home and he works five days outside the home'.
You can add, 'I also work seven days in the home while he does nothing at home'.
That way, you will find a lot of anger and perhaps the courage to bring this all to a head and make sure he understands from your words, your tone, and your volume you are sick to the back teeth of his talk of 'genuine mistakes' and will not take any more of it.

How was his childhood? Did his parents think the sun shone forth from his rear end?

If it is some condition he could get help with, insist he gets that help and works hard to change his approach.

Does he sometimes pick up old cold cuppa when near the one he wanted?

Does he often go off with someone elses laptop, notebook, documents at work?

Pick up random pints in pub not his?

Buy wrong size or type socks pants general clothes for himself? (Does he even buy that stuff for himself!).

That sort of stuff.

What ultimatum though?

Anything big enough OP has to carry through.

Another thought.

Let's mix things up to make it easier. Regular rather than occasional easier for you. And I won't have to go on at you. Win win!

He can do eg.

Bogs daily
Bathrooms weekly proper clean
You do washing (asking to be fucked up) he can hang and put away. Including taking out machine.
Load unload dishwasher put away. Lay table.
Change bedding however often.

The real dull endless stuff. That's hard to fuck up. And regular.

Bet he vv not like that idea.