DH constantly messing up

[Westminwarthog]

I’ve read a lot of the threads on here about sorting out useless/ strategically incompetent DHs but really struggling with mine and was hoping for some advice.

DH just keeps messing up tasks I ask him to do. The split of labour in our marriage is uneven - I do the vast majority of childcare and housework. I work 3 days a week, DH full time. He’s absolutely awful at taking the initiative to do anything so I’ll usually try and ask him to complete specific tasks. It’s not great but it’s either that or do it myself.

This is an example of just one thing cocked up recently, but I have hundreds of such examples. Last week, the family car’s oil needed to be topped up. I bought the correct oil from Halfords and asked DH to top up. He did. A day or two later, the car is making a weird noise. I arranged a diagnostic and asked DH to drop it off at the mechanics. Just got off the phone with the mechanic 4 days later and DH put down the wrong phone number whilst dropping off so they haven’t been able to contact us. The problem arose because when DH topped up the oil, he poured it into the water tank(?!) The whole thing now needs a clean etc. We’ve been without a family car for the week. To add insult to injury, he drove through a restricted bus lane on his way to the appointment, incurring a penalty charge. It is so infuriating!! I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

I’m sure everyone will ask, so no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications. He’s got a senior role but his team admin has complained to me before at drinks about how hard she has to work to keep him on time/ organised.

Has anyone experienced or fixed someone like this?

There's also intelligence and common sense and it seems like for whatever reason he's lacking common sense. He's probably not going to be able to change this it sounds like it's who he is. How does he react when you talk to him about it? I think a few set tasks might work better. Say loading/unloading dishwasher so he deals with the whole thing so if he messes up he has to sort it. Or putting kids to bed. My oh is rubbish at the mental load, ( remembering what needs to be done, arranging things etc) he is also ridiculously slow at completing tasks. I'm talking 3 hours to make spag Bol or 90 min to do pots. It's frustrating because while he's faffing I'm dealing with kids and less jobs are getting done. After many rows I now work 1.5 days a week and do 90% of it all and my oh got a higher paid job. We are working to our strengths. It's probably a good thing you work less so you can cover more of it. I certainly wouldn't want to increase work if I was you.

@mathanxiety

If he is perfectly well able to function among people he considers his equals (clearly not you, nor his PA) then this isn't ADD/ ADHD/ Dyspraxia.

Give him an ultimatum about seeking an assessment for those conditions. Do not accept no for an answer.

I suspect he is an arrogant man who resents being asked to do chores he feels are beneath him, especially by a woman.

The oil thing - I agree with PPs, he was probably completely sure he was right.

I also agree with the excellent suggestion upthread to start thinking in terms of, 'I work three days outside the home and he works five days outside the home'.
You can add, 'I also work seven days in the home while he does nothing at home'.
That way, you will find a lot of anger and perhaps the courage to bring this all to a head and make sure he understands from your words, your tone, and your volume you are sick to the back teeth of his talk of 'genuine mistakes' and will not take any more of it.

How was his childhood? Did his parents think the sun shone forth from his rear end?

If it is some condition he could get help with, insist he gets that help and works hard to change his approach.

You are not a psychologist working with this man so you can not say it's not xy or z. Firstly people who are nd become very good at masking in certain situations so they appear more capable of managing than they are. This often has a knock on effect in places they feel safer such as home behaviours may be more extreme. Also if job includes a specific interest of a nd person they will be able to focus much more and appear very capable and still struggle out of work, this is often case with nd engineers or scientists.

I wonder is @MrsKoala still around. She used to frequently post about her DH who sounded similar.

no learning difficulties that we know of, he has a PhD and professional qualifications.

If he is doing it at work too then he probably has undiagnosed learnng difficulties. As long as you and his work colleagues keep on propping him up he will not do anything about it.

Not a surprise that his admin is female. He may not realise until she leaves and he gets an admin who sees her (or more likely his) job as adminstration, not organising him.

Thank you, I’ll read about dispraxia

Don't. That is you taking responsibility for him and propping him up some more. What he needs to see is not that he has dyspraxia or whatever else, but that his behaviour is unusual and unacceptable to you. Then he needs to figure out why he does it and what he can do about it. If they are relevant then he needs to read about dyspraxia and ADHD, not you. If he doesn't feel the problem, or if he thinks it's your job to manage it for him, then nothing will change.

In practical ways lead your own life, separately, as far as possible. He messed up the family car so from now on you have a car that you look after and he has a car that he looks after. If he can't get to work that's on him. He looks after his own laundry, and if he doesn't get it done on the day the washing machine is free, too bad. Let his fuckups affect him, not you or the kids, as far as possible. Pay for outside help from family money because you can't rely on him.

A diagnosis only helps if he thinks it's responsibility to do something it. You don't want to be the one managing his dyspraxia (or whatever) for him while he decides he is helpless. You can support him but most of the impetus needs to come from him.

How far you take this will depend on how well he is supporting you in other ways. But this is who he is, with or without a diagnosis.

Is it mainly the mistakes that are the problem, or his attitude to his mistakes? I mean, would it provide you with a huge feeling of relief if he said to you one day when things were calm 'I keep screwing up simple things, darling, and I'm really not sure why. I'm going to see the doctor to see if I can find out what's going on, and in the meantime, shall we create a rota so that you don't end up doing everything, and I do things I'm ok at?'

Because if that would cause you massive relief, then you're not looking at finding his mistakes unbearable, you're looking at simply finding him unbearable, and your relationship with him unbearable, and that's a different story.

Op if I were you, I'd initially help him by semi organising his new daily 'job' first. i.e

Make a menu for him, so he knows what he's cooking every day.

Ask him to do an online shop for the next weeks menu, and check it before actually finalising the order.

Put a reminder of allergies on the menu.

Put a reminder of 'fussiness' on the menu.

Have the menu tell him what time he must begin to prep/cook.

Hopefully, in time, he will become independent with the whole task from planning to execution.(But you can always ask to see the menu/shopping list every week to ensure if necessary)

Once you're happy with this, you can begin to tackle the next task e.g laundry/ gardening/ hoovering/ cleaning whatever would help you most daily.

@TheFoundation well said!

Maybe 'I don't know, I need to check' is so unpleasant, so impossible a thought for him to accommodate, that he is willing to risk anything and everything rather than acknowledge that thought?

I'd say this was likely - the inability to admit that he doesn't know much about this, too damaging to ego?

I haven’t read to the end.

But this jumped out: I think I’ll need to consider which regular tasks he can do with minimal impact on us if he messes up

No. HE needs to.

He does sound like he may have a problem with executive function - planning, executing, getting started, etc.

But you’re married and live together. HE needs to acknowledge and accept just how much of an issue this is, even if that’s really hard, and then start working together on what’s doable and what isn’t. Not you doing it for him.

Otherwise you’re just perpetuating the problem and he’s not giving himself any tools to better function.

you don't need to look into ADHD. If it's a problem he needs to sort it.

The only way he is ever going to learn is if he has to deal with all the consequences. As long as you come and fix things for him, he's never going to do that. He needs to feel real inconvenience as a result. Unfortunately the only way to do that is for you to be inconvenienced as well.

I have ADHD and whilst it's a massive exhausting struggle I work very hard to ensure my life bumbles generally on. He may have ADHD or dyspraxia but he is also a bit of a dick who doesn't give a shit about work he considers beneath them.

Consider ADHD/Dyspraxia/Autism but also look at why he doesn't give a fucking shit. The world is full of women with these conditions battling to stay on top and no one gives us a fucking pass .

I know people are wary of armchair diagnoses, but a someone with a husband and son with inattentive ADHD, this screams that to me. The thing that nails it is the ability to finish tasks that he’s interested in - this is referred to as hyper focus. I lived with what you’re experiencing for 18 years of my marriage, until my son was diagnosed and medicated at which point everything fell into place. I could go on at length about the things that have changed - but mainly I’ve just stopped being so angry and hurt. I would suggest also reading Melissa Orlov “The ADHD effect on marriage” to help you understand and cope. But I think what you really need is a diagnosis and treatment. Please OP do PM me if you’d like some further thoughts.

That sounds so frustrating op.
My dh can't do jobs neatly, to my specification, or in a timely fashion, and even that winds me up.

Can i be really nosey and ask what your relationship is like in general. Do you still fancy him, want to spend time with him? I get that there may be a reason ie some sort of diagnosis but surely how he operates is unattractive. I cant imagine the frustration that you have. Would your life be easier if you separated and co parented?

@updownroundandround

Op if I were you, I'd initially help him by semi organising his new daily 'job' first. i.e

Make a menu for him, so he knows what he's cooking every day.

Ask him to do an online shop for the next weeks menu, and check it before actually finalising the order.

Put a reminder of allergies on the menu.

Put a reminder of 'fussiness' on the menu.

Have the menu tell him what time he must begin to prep/cook.

Hopefully, in time, he will become independent with the whole task from planning to execution.(But you can always ask to see the menu/shopping list every week to ensure if necessary)

Once you're happy with this, you can begin to tackle the next task e.g laundry/ gardening/ hoovering/ cleaning whatever would help you most daily.

She's his wife not his support worker?! My eleven year old son wouldn't need this amount of input to get through the week. Imagine if the roles were reversed, would you advise that a man do all that for his wife who wouldn't pull her shit together? It's no wonder they don't, because they don't have to. Fast forward twenty years and the kids who would witness this man being babied by his equal partner go out into the world and perpetuate the myth that women are somehow born for effective domestic support and men are just not capable. Don't do it!

@Sexnotgender

I try hard not to be too controlling or pedantic but every singe simple task is messed up to a monumental degree. I have literally hundreds of similar examples. If I bring them up, he gets upset that I’m harping on about genuine mistakes

Him getting upset is a way of controlling you. Modifying your behaviour so you don’t upset him. You should be able to point out that he’s made a cock up.

Does he fix the issue? What are the consequences? Is he inconvenienced or do you fix it?

How is being upset at someone being annoyed at you controlling?? That word is thrown around far too much here

What kind of relationship is it when the other is micro managing and pointing out the others 'Mistakes'.
Oil in the water is funny though 🤣🤣🤭

How is being upset at someone being annoyed at you controlling

Because if he chooses to react to OP by being upset, like a child, he chooses not to deal with the issue.

His parents cant be blamed either. My parents taught me nothing about housekeeping, cooking or budgeting but I taught myself to do all of these things properly and keep a tidy house. The fact is he doesn't want to. It would drive me crackers.

@TheFoundation

How is being upset at someone being annoyed at you controlling

Because if he chooses to react to OP by being upset, like a child, he chooses not to deal with the issue.

Being upset isn't childish. Besides OP doesn't say how she reacts, is it like fs what have you done or chastising the guy like he is a child? I get that constant careless mistakes are frustrating but being annoyed at someone having a go at you isn't childish or controlling

Being upset isn't childish

Being consistently upset instead of dealing with responsibilities you have, as an adult, is. He's not focusing on dealing with the issue, is he, whether it's 'You need to stop having a go at me for minor things, love', or 'Sorry, I keep screwing up, let's find a way to minimise this.'

In a partnership, play to one another’s strengths.

He is clearly clever and good at earning, so get help in with the menial tasks. You could also consider stepping up with more paid work to pay for cleaner/DIY etc.

You don’t say what you both earn and your potential for future earnings, which is relevant.

If you are doing something and it isn’t working, try something else, don’t keep giving him jobs and being cross when he fails.

The alternative, of course, is to leave, but I think that is a bit extreme until you have tried an alternative approach.

I never know why people say these guys won’t be useless at work. I have loads of very senior male colleagues who are absolutely useless. One boss I had (who was extremely affable and well-liked by everyone, including me) couldn’t get to grips with using a mobile phone or doing anything beyond sending an email on the computer, and he was never ever on time for a meeting and used to keep talking at people for twenty, thirty minutes when they needed to get away. It was a running joke that we (his all-female team) worked around him and his PA just dealt with all the technology stuff, but even while liking him very much we did all think it was outrageous that a man could get away with lacking the most basic of skills required by his job, and not only get away with it but actually kept getting promoted. He did make occasional references to how frustrating his adult children/ex wife/current partner found him and I always thought, bloody hell, behind that throwaway comment there’s years of women having their life made an absolute misery by this guy’s uselessness.

If you are doing something and it isn’t working, try something else, don’t keep giving him jobs and being cross when he fails

If he is doing things and failing, he needs to take responsibility for sorting this out, rather than OP constantly having to keep 'giving him different jobs'. He needs to be saying things like 'We need to fix the oil thing in the car, but I'm crap at stuff like that, so why don't I take it down to the garage, or you sort it out whilst I take xyz task off your hands?'

This screams ADHD to me (even if he’s not hyper, he could have the ‘inattentive’ form). Executive function issues, mistakes, interest-led functioning etc. You can't ‘fix it’, it is a neurodevelopmental and genetic (physiologically his brain is different) but he can work on coping strategies and meds help too.