To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

@HugeAckmansWife

Mobile phones can be 10 quid a month. None of the rest is compulsory. Uni fees and accommodation are covered by loans that the student has to bear out of their graduate salary. It might mean they need to choose a uni in a cheaper place if you can't help, or get part time work. Helping with house deposits is nice but not obligatory. I'd be more worried about expensive sports hobbies etc and driving lessons rater tan a car.. Again, not a necessarity

Uni totally depends on parental income and worth looking into now so you're prepared. There's a calculator on the government website. Loans don't even cover rent let alone anything else sometimes.

Mobile phone contact is a tenner a month for a SIM and phone was bought with money from part time job.

@Eatingsoupwithafork

I expect my DD to do what I did… get a job and provide for herself. Shocked at the expectation that a parent should buy their DC a car or give a house deposit.

I agree there shouldn't be an expectation to, but surely its nice if you can afford to? If we are in a position to I would be delighted to be able to buy them a car, house deposit etc.

@HelpMeHiveMind

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

• mobile phone contracts

(cheap refurbished phone (150 quid) and cheap sim contract, 8 quid a month)

• cars

You pay for lessons, they get loan to buy a car, you act as guarantor - if they can't, they have no car until they get a job.

• University fees

They get a loan for fees.

Probably won't qualify for maintenance loan, so will have to work part time, and give them your 100 a month until they graduate.

• uni accommodation

Hand over the money you've been saving, ensure you top up on the 25 a month years, 100 a month 0-to 18 works out as 21 grand, big chunk off accom fees for the 3 years, assuming a base cost of 700 a month.

• maybe even house deposits

You remortgage when they graduate to help them ( maybe)

"The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone"

You do what you can, I got on the housing ladder without bank of mum and dad, I purchased a run down ex- council flat and did it up and made a profit. I got a lease car and hand the keys back and exchange for a new one every 2 years and once my salary got bigger, I got a car cash.

Have faith in your kids to help themselves, by not helping them too much.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@JSL52 if they are going to university then they have to have accommodation and some money to live on. And the student maintenance grant is calculated to include a parental contribution. If you choose not to pay this then either your child doesnt go or their life is made incredibly difficult.

My BiL was one whose parents should have contributed and didnt. He worked a lot around his studies and still ended up living in a squat in his third year. The whole experience had a profound effect on him and his relationship with his (incredibly wealthy) parents never really recovered.[/quote]
I completely understand that and of course they need to contribute IF they can afford it.
But my point was more about cars and house deposits which are out of the question for a lot of people.

Definitely not really thinking about funding a car. We will be able to finance two through uni and decent house deposits but some of that is because lovely DM has substantial savings for them. Phones will be a drop in the ocean v childcare costs.

I think at a bare minimum I would aim to cover uni living costs and try to minimise both any loans and having to work too much. I'd rather DV worked for pin money to spend on things they want and luxuries than worrying about living costs at uni, but I accept that we are in a privileged position to offer it. Once they begin at school I can bump hours up to full time (lucky to be in a job where it's as easy as me just saying I'm ready to add days) so that will give us more to save. And child benefit goes into a stocks and shares saving account when it arrives plus family have details to add money to DC savings accounts at birthdays and Christmas if they'd rather do that than gifts. When they're too young to spend it I've just invested it for the future.

In reality, most parents do what they can and it just works out somehow.

My parents were missionaries who didn't take a wage. Apart from occasional help (like £20 here and there) my sibling and I had to fund everything ourselves.

I won't lie, it was very very hard sometimes. But we did it.

Best wishes to you. x

I agree op. And many people who have multiple children they cannot support makes inequality worse. Not helping out with car may reduce mobility and those that have them will out compete them. Likewise saying get a part time job will often mean they get lower grades which will reduce their uni options and that will cost them right onto adulthood. Personally I think I am marginal on being able to adequately fund an adult child yes one and I earn over 60k. So yes people have children earning lots less but you cannot be surprised or think it is unfair if a one child family have a better long term outcome from earning potential to life expectancy for their single child as a 4 child family when both families have with the same income but it is spread out amongst more people.

I always find the competitive boasting about how little people intend to give their children and how they'll be completely independent from their teens both a bit depressing and also quite unrealistic. I think most of the people here declaring that their teens will cost them not a penny as they'll be working actually have little children right now - the posts from people talking about their actual teens seem more balanced.

I have every sympathy for people who can't afford to give their children anything but the basics, but I have sympathy because I do think it's a sad situation, and I can't fathom why someone who could afford to make their children's lives easier and nicer would refuse to contemplate doing so in any way (I'm not saying you have to give them everything) as a point of principle.

I went to uni and the university course required you to have a car (started about 10 years ago). The course had an industrial placement and the job required you to drive. The campus was also about a thirty minute drive from the nearest proper supermarket. I worked to afford the car basically, waitressed and took out the maximum student loans.

@Mouseonmychair

I agree op. And many people who have multiple children they cannot support makes inequality worse. Not helping out with car may reduce mobility and those that have them will out compete them. Likewise saying get a part time job will often mean they get lower grades which will reduce their uni options and that will cost them right onto adulthood. Personally I think I am marginal on being able to adequately fund an adult child yes one and I earn over 60k. So yes people have children earning lots less but you cannot be surprised or think it is unfair if a one child family have a better long term outcome from earning potential to life expectancy for their single child as a 4 child family when both families have with the same income but it is spread out amongst more people.

Why are you mixing up larger families with income inequality? It is as if you want to blame people for being poor so latch on to large families. Well off people are far more likely to have large families than working poorer people. People are poor because the rich economically exploit the poor, it is as simple as that.

The phone doesn't need to be expensive, and I have no intention of buying DS a car.

He may have to live at home for Uni (which is considered odd in the UK but totally normal in Ireland), and although I will pay the fees, he will have to work for any other money he wants to spend. He will have to buy his own place like most other people, but will then hopefully inherit mine in due course.

I got lucky with no uni fees and a grant (thank you taxpayers!) but my parents had to pay fees and live in shitty accommodation while working any job they could get. My grandparents couldn't marry until their late thirties because they couldn't afford it until then. No previous generations inherited much due to numerous children and no money.

People have always managed and I'm sure we will too.

You can offer to let them live with you to save for a house deposit if you can’t afford to actually hand one over.

This is probably what I'll do, it depends where you live too though and what job opportunities are there.

I save the child benefit every month for his college fund, its €140 a month non-means tested payment here in Ireland.

@HardbackWriter

I always find the competitive boasting about how little people intend to give their children and how they'll be completely independent from their teens both a bit depressing and also quite unrealistic. I think most of the people here declaring that their teens will cost them not a penny as they'll be working actually have little children right now - the posts from people talking about their actual teens seem more balanced.

I have every sympathy for people who can't afford to give their children anything but the basics, but I have sympathy because I do think it's a sad situation, and I can't fathom why someone who could afford to make their children's lives easier and nicer would refuse to contemplate doing so in any way (I'm not saying you have to give them everything) as a point of principle.

There’s a difference I think between completely independent and paying for a teen/young adult to have a car, house etc.

Not everybody can or should buy all their kids a house. That’s just life and it’s really not a desperately sad situation that you can’t buy your child a car and a house.

Clothes and phones etc are different. But honestly even if I could buy my child a house straight out of uni I don’t know if I would.

Re student jobs - my DSiL did a lifeguarding course, this is now providing him with extra money plus work experience. Many pools offer these, it is a case of going in and asking.

A friend of mine put his DS through a silver service course. This meant he was always able to pick up waiting jobs whether in restaurants or at events.

[quote HelpMeHiveMind]@Hillarious only 5 years away for one of them! Eek! [/quote]
You, and your DC, need to cut your cloth accordingly, and you need to start budgeting now. It may be your DC will get holiday jobs and save to help them with extras whilst they're away, or you cancel next year's ski-ing holiday and just stick the the Maldives in the summer. But it's as it ever was with supporting a student at university; if parents earn above a certain threshold, they're expected to provide funding to supplement their loans.

I know you don't 'have' to provide those things but maybe the op wants to be able to.
If so, you could look into ways to invest money with higher returns - stocks and shares isa for example is low risk but likely to return more than the interest on a normal savings account. Or with small amounts you can afford to lose, you could take a punt on the stock market and buy some shares, there's lots of info out there for beginners. I know lots of people making in the low thousands from buying a couple of hundred pounds of shares.

Many people are completely financially independent from 18 as they have no choice. And I had no choice when 18. That is not boasting, it would be a strange kind of boast. It is simply saying that although parents I think should help if they can, many 18-year-olds do survive without any help at all. It is hard, but it is possible. And usually the 18 year olds having to do this already start with far less advantages than middle class 18 year olds have.

My 17 year old DD has had a job since she was 16. Were paying for driving lessons, she’s saving for insurance. She has a sim only contract on her phone as do the younger children. They’ll be expected to fund their own university unfortunately as we can’t stretch to that. But younger dcs will also be expected to get a job at 16 too so that they can start to fund their wants and desires.

One of the big ways we have been able to help out our DCs is as guarantor. When DD1 was on a year long uni placement I was guarantor both for her rent and for her contract car hire (she needed a reliable car to get to work in an area without public transport).

Save up for deposits (eg uni accommodation) and drill into the departing student that this is real money which they are responsible for making sure is returned. Students can be a bit careless and think that rules like no blu tack on the walls dont matter meaning that chunks of deposit get lost.

@HardbackWriter

I always find the competitive boasting about how little people intend to give their children and how they'll be completely independent from their teens both a bit depressing and also quite unrealistic. I think most of the people here declaring that their teens will cost them not a penny as they'll be working actually have little children right now - the posts from people talking about their actual teens seem more balanced.

I have every sympathy for people who can't afford to give their children anything but the basics, but I have sympathy because I do think it's a sad situation, and I can't fathom why someone who could afford to make their children's lives easier and nicer would refuse to contemplate doing so in any way (I'm not saying you have to give them everything) as a point of principle.

I think you'll be surprised how many wealthy parents don't buy cars , phones etc for their DC, they want them to be independent

Parents who send their children to private school for example - have already invested heavily in giving their kids an advantage -. Often they haven't got anything left. For them a good education leading to a top uni is more important than getting a car. Ironically an elite university offers the most help to students with financial difficulties.

I don't want to raise children who expect anything, all pocket money when I was growing up had to be earned, I was given nothing for nothing growing up and I've heavily overachieved in my life.

I had a part-time job from when I was 15 and would always recommend that for a young person. It taught me how to function in the adult world and gave me a lot more self-confidence.

My parents are quite well off and they never bought any of us a car or helped with house deposits. I'm not sure what I think about parents helping with those big ticket items really. On one level I think I would have rather had some help earlier to get on the housing ladder, rather than waiting to get an inheritance when I'm 60. But on the other hand I've always been very self-reliant and good with money, and I'm not sure I would have been if I'd had a lot of parental handouts.

My parents did pay for university fees and living costs for the first year while in halls, but after that I just lived cheaply and worked full time in the university holidays.

Mobile phone contracts need not be a major cost, just get a cheap/refurbished phone on a Sim only contract.

It definitely isn't standard for parents to provide children with a car and house deposit, lovely to have but surely only for rich families?

You say you are comfortable but then that you are mortgaged to the hilt. It is a false kind of comfort there.

I think you should worry about yourself and your mortgage and your pension before you start thinking about providing mortgage deposits and cars for your children.

Also worry about the food. The huge quantities of food they eat every day.

Cars and mortgages are the spoils of adulthood. And adults have to pay for themselves.

Refurbished mobile phones and £8 SIM only

Car - we have been saving £20 a month into a Trust Fund since they were babies so should have enough for a decent second hand car from that when old enough

Uni - student loans but I reckon only 1 (2 at a push) out of the 3 will go

House - work and save up a deposit like I did. My parents couldn't afford to give me a deposit (I only see this happen on Mumsnet)

@WoodenReindeer

Mine are older but I still worry the same although dont have 100 a month to put away for them!!!!

Mobile phone we got refurbished and have a £6 per month contract.

We wont be able to get a car but hope to do driving lessons. Lots of people dont have cars until they work.

Uni fees - student loans.
Uni life - we will gice them what we're not spending here but it will be student loans.

House deposit. Nope. Hoping for another first time byer isa or similar by then.

Giving then a good childhood and base here and support them to do well at school and seek what careeer/uni will suit them will be what we do do.

I dont like that choices narrow so early (choosing gcses at 12...) and the influence degree has and immediate years on the rest of career!

^^this. Eldest DC studying up north already saying he'll probably move there as SE England too expensive to buy in