To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

Just manage their expectations. The parents of someone my daughter (mid-20s) was at school with have just bought them a £900,000 flat in Islington. My daughter knows that's not the norm and is never going to happen for her.

@HelpMeHiveMind

Thanks all some good advice here. I think we are in that "grey middle ground" for student loans where we earn too much for our DCs to get really big loans, but the reality is our salaries are almost totally absorbed by mortgage and cost of living in this area so we have very little left after. I hadn't thought about childcare costs being finished though so that will help a bit although not hugely as we only use about 250 p/m worth.

DH is adamant about us getting them cars, although I also was never given a car! Didn't get one until I was in my 30s.

If you're still paying for childcare, university is a little way off for you. Time enough to manage your finances accordingly.

Is it very different now to back in ‘My day?’

Probably. I'm 46.

DDs driving lessons are £35 an hour as opposed to the £12 I paid.

Uni rooms...average £45 per week in the early/mid 90s, now upwards of £165, unless you want to share a room and toilet/shower facilities with strangers.

Back them there were no mobiles, no WiFi, no-one needed their own tech to study.

And I was able to get my first Saturday job at 13. Unless you know someone it's very difficult for teens under 16 to get part time jobs now.

National minimum wage for 16/17 is £4.81 per hour. I was earning that 30 years ago working in a supermarket (and Sundays were paid at double time!).

I'm starting to sound like my own mum!

Phone he will be getting my hand me down 1st until he's a later teenager, but can be £30 a month if you avoid apple.

Uni fees and accommodation he will get the basic loan we will encourage him to pick a close uni and stay at home after 1st year. We will pay accommodation but if he wants more than that it will be part time job.

Car I will be teaching him to drive with some lessons. The idea is the husband will get a golf when DS is 13 so he will get that as a hand me down (free as it will be paid for).

Cheap phone, cheap contract. I’m 28 and still only have an iPhone 7 because it costs me £15 a month! I also was given some driving lessons for my 21st but only 10, I paid for everything else to do with my car, lessons, test, car and insurance! If they get a job at 16 they’ll be able to pay for some things themselves like I did.

I don't understand why so many people are talking about their own experiences as teens in the 1990s/2000s (except so that they can boast about their own self-sufficiency as teens - well done you!). Society has changed hugely since then and it has affected everything on OP's list except, maybe, the car and driving lessons.

Agree. I'm sure it's much harder for teens to get jobs now because instead of paying teens as a cheap option, with zero hours contracts and minimum wage, in retail and hospitality (typical "Saturday job" industries) everyone is paid as cheaply as possible and contracts will include evenings, weekends and Bank Holidays. Lots of places can't or won't employ someone without a NI number which you can't get til you're 16. And probably less paper boy type jobs as far fewer people read physical newspapers.

@HelpMeHiveMind

Thanks all some good advice here. I think we are in that "grey middle ground" for student loans where we earn too much for our DCs to get really big loans, but the reality is our salaries are almost totally absorbed by mortgage and cost of living in this area so we have very little left after. I hadn't thought about childcare costs being finished though so that will help a bit although not hugely as we only use about 250 p/m worth.

DH is adamant about us getting them cars, although I also was never given a car! Didn't get one until I was in my 30s.

£250 a month will help pretty hugely if you either save it or use it to overpay the mortgage, rather than just thinking of having that extra money in your budget. That's what we plan to do with the extra money we'll slowly get over the next few years as we go from two in nursery to one and then that one getting funded hours to then just paying for a small amount of wrap-around each week. I'm really conscious of trying to do so really consciously and actively (stage 1 of that for us is this September when the older child goes to school) as otherwise I think we could easily fritter away that money, especially as the easing of childcare costs will be quite incremental. My aim is that we don't 'get used to' having extra money as it all goes into savings/the mortgage.

We only had one partly for this reason. We are fortunate that we are comfortable financially, and work in industries where progression is guaranteed more or less- for me it was a conscious decision to pursue a career in my field for this reason! Growing up my parents couldn't afford anything for us in terms of university help, driving lessons etc- and although yes I got a part time job when I was 14 and it taught me somewhat the value of money, it was also crappy to be working hours upon end whilst your friends are out and about socialising and having fun. I don't resent it as they did what they could, but I don't see anything wrong if you're in a position to with providing stuff when they're between teens and adults; we are planning to.

As someone is now supporting my third child at uni I would say the following:

mobile phone contracts - find the cheapest with the most amount of data - they don't really care about calls and texts, it is data that is important

• cars - insured on mine to learn/practice and then you can insure them on monthly/weekly basis during uni hols
• University fees - they get their own loans - 3 months fees and 3 months living - we don't top this up as they need to learn to live on what they have and most have overdrafts
• uni accommodation - I pay this but realise a lot of parents can't afford this
• maybe even house deposits - can't afford this currently and most children have parents that can't either - they have to rent and work their way up the ladder - both my eldest 2 rent

As hard as it is, if you can't afford stuff then they cannot do it - if you can't afford uni accomm then they either have to find a job to pay for it or can't go and same with cars/lessons. Life is tough at the moment and although not fair on them it is what it is.

I don't really understand this thread. The answer is they get jobs. I started working part time at 17 while studying full time. And saved up whatever I could and went uni, and worked in the uni holidays.

• mobile phone contracts

I paid for this myself at 17

• cars

I paid for this myself at 22 with money I'd saved from working (including insurance). Also if they go uni they probably won't need a car until afterwards.

• University fees

I paid for this myself with money I'd saved from part time/uni holiday jobs and with student loans

• uni accommodation

I paid for this myself I'd saved from part time/uni holiday jobs and with student loans

• maybe even house deposits

After 10 straight years of saving I'm still trying to get enough for this

I’m 1 of 2 children. Just me and my brother. Our parents didn’t stress about saving up for a house deposit for us both or a car each. Those things we have to get ourselves, and my brother has done it. I haven’t and maybe never will, but that’s not because of my parents not paying for them. It’s because I haven’t paid for them.

@Exhausteddog

I don't understand why so many people are talking about their own experiences as teens in the 1990s/2000s (except so that they can boast about their own self-sufficiency as teens - well done you!). Society has changed hugely since then and it has affected everything on OP's list except, maybe, the car and driving lessons.

Agree. I'm sure it's much harder for teens to get jobs now because instead of paying teens as a cheap option, with zero hours contracts and minimum wage, in retail and hospitality (typical "Saturday job" industries) everyone is paid as cheaply as possible and contracts will include evenings, weekends and Bank Holidays. Lots of places can't or won't employ someone without a NI number which you can't get til you're 16. And probably less paper boy type jobs as far fewer people read physical newspapers.

The point is that it has only affected house buying for most teenagers. Most teenagers did not go to university in the past, they got a job. They did not have the chance to go. Many teenagers still do not go to university. Yes jobs when still at school are harder to get, although they weren't easy where I grew up either as the place was decimated by the recession. But once you turn 18 years old, jobs are way easier to get than when I was 18 years old.

We have four between the ages of 22 and 16 and yes it is very expensive. We have committed to paying for driving lessons and a bit of help towards first car but also they have all ( except one of them ) had part time jobs which pay well.

I never had help with any of that and neither did DH. I had 2 jobs at uni to pay my way because my dad was a functioning alcoholic. He earned a decent wage so I had no financial help as my expected parental contribution was high, all the money my parents had went on debt, drink and cigarettes.

Our house deposit was brained by saving and buying a small flat then trading up by selling it and buying a better 2 bedroom place then a house. We have never had parental help. I paid for my own clothes from the age of 16, travel to
Uni, driving lessons etc. i think you decide what you ask help with and they need to work out the rest.

We have 4 - eldest paid his own way through Uni (with loans) but went to a ‘local’ one so lived at home and used his loans towards a car (a very cheap car) to enable this. I did not charge him anything and provided good and board to help him. He worked p/t from 16 and throughout Uni. Just turned 25 and has bought his first house (with no help) and has cleared his student loans. DS is currently at Uni - has to rent so doesn’t drive (can’t afford both) - pays through loans and p/t working and again has worked p/t since 16. DD1 is 16 and in her GCSE year. Already volunteers and is planning to start work p/t from beginning of Summer to begin Uni fund. I expect DD2 to do the same. I support by paying all mobile contracts (all £10) - buying phones for birthdays/Christmas. Same with laptops etc - I provide these as necessary and make sure everyone has the resources they need. When they’re at home (including when not at Uni) I provide food, services etc free of charge to help.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

Firstly, it's really nice you want to provide for them BUT I'm of the strong opinion that they should work for what they want rather than have parent just give it to them. I think they will appreciate help but in the long run it won't actually be benefit them for you to just give it all to them... especially at your own expense. If they want a car... they should get a job and save, maybe you can help with insurance or lessons? University can be covered by student loans... they are more likely to work hard AND pick a more employable course if they will be paying for it in the long run. It would be so great if you can help them with buying their first homes but again... this should be something they drive and save for too!

This^^ We could never afford to do anything more than the basic whilst supporting and encouraging them to do their best. They haven’t suffered any damage from this and are independent and doing very well as adults. I think there’s a danger that DCs look to the Bank of Mum and Dad too much (judging by some friends’ experiences) and become reliant on being bailed out from time to time.

@IDontKnow00

I don't really understand this thread. The answer is they get jobs. I started working part time at 17 while studying full time. And saved up whatever I could and went uni, and worked in the uni holidays.

• mobile phone contracts

I paid for this myself at 17

• cars

I paid for this myself at 22 with money I'd saved from working (including insurance). Also if they go uni they probably won't need a car until afterwards.

• University fees

I paid for this myself with money I'd saved from part time/uni holiday jobs and with student loans

• uni accommodation

I paid for this myself I'd saved from part time/uni holiday jobs and with student loans

• maybe even house deposits

After 10 straight years of saving I'm still trying to get enough for this

Just wanted to add. I'm 26! I went to uni with the 9k tuition fees and am not talking about 30 years ago

I have nieces and nephews who range from 19 to 23 years old. Their parents cant afford to help them financially. None of them have any financial help. One has bought his own house, one renting, and one living at home. Only one went to university and lived at home while there. Only one has a car.
This is life for most people now. What people are talking about on here is a certain kind of middle-class life. You may expect to have that life, but it is not a necessity.

• mobile phone contracts

This can be minimal I suppose

• cars

An old car is enough, but to be honest this is not a necessity for all older dc. They can wait and fund it themselves if necessary. They can get summer/weekend jobs like most dc do over here. Most teenagers I know start work between 14-16yrs here.

• University fees and accommodation

I will pay for fees (3k per year here) and accommodation if they go to another city. But I would expect them to get a weekend job as I did in order to earn spending money.

• maybe even house deposits

We are very very lucky that grandparents are after providing funds for our dc that are in trust and will help them with this. But if we didn't have this then I would help them out as best I could. But again it's not a necessity. I never had help from my parents. Neither did my dh as they didn't have money at the time but they came into money later hence the fund for the dc.

@Hillarious only 5 years away for one of them! Eek!

Become an army cadet and get sponsored through Uni. Is that still a thing? Loads of people at my Uni did it. They seemed to be minted and had guaranteed holiday jobs.

I agree a lot has changed though. When I was at Uni there were no tuition fees and my parents gave me spending money. It was pretty easy to get holiday work in bars and shops to pay off my overdrafts. My rent was 35 a week. Mobiles weren't invented. Didn't need a car as went to a city uni and cycled everywhere. Graduated and there were tonnes of "milk round" jobs (unpaid internships were for people in really cool and arty fields only).

• mobile phone contracts - Yes, they will need these
• cars. Not unless you live in arse end of nowhere with no public transport. If DH is so set on it ask him what he is going to give up in order to pay for this.
• University fees. Are paid for via student loan regardless of your earnings
• uni accommodation. Have you looked to see how much they would get by way of loan? Between you and them you need to make up the difference, so that's your financial support and them working part time.
• maybe even house deposits. If you can afford it, great. Most parents can't afford much.

Have your DC been raised to expect all of these things? If so, PP are correct in saying you need to start managing expectations quickly.

I expect my DD to do what I did… get a job and provide for herself. Shocked at the expectation that a parent should buy their DC a car or give a house deposit.

Cheap phones, an allowance for uni topped up by them working (that's assuming that they WANT to go to uni) and they need to save themselves for a house deposit

Uni fees are a laugh here in the UK compared to my own experience of growing up the US. Most of my school friends are still years away from paying off student loan debt (and we're all in our mid/late 40s). It's a shame that DS isn't academic at all, as it would be much easier to fund his uni education here.
As for the other "luxuries"---no, a teen does NOT need a car. Hell, we haven't owned a family car in over a decade. DS has grown up learning how to get around on foot and by public transportation. He has no desire to learn to drive.
Mobile phones don't need to cost a bundle either. Our family is all still on very cheap tariffs of SIM only contracts and/or PAYG (all around ten quid a month), and very inexpensive Motorola androids we own outright.