To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

I think it’s very nice to be able to consider providing all you have listed, as I will definitely be thinking about what things I can contribute towards for my own child too. But as pp say, part time jobs for them!

I had zero help for any of what you listed from my parents as they couldn’t afford it (other than when I was a younger teen with a PAYG phone, but as soon as I got a part time job in a cafe when I was 15, I paid for it myself as I wanted to). Since then I’ve paid for everything myself (and with partner for some things too) driving lessons, university, car, wedding, home deposit and all of those were on part time jobs or then an average salary in the last 10 years.

I had no expectations of my parents as I knew they just couldn’t afford it, so I worked and saved myself. I of course think anything you do for your kids would be amazing, but also feel it should be truly appreciated, seen as a gift and not an expectation.

my teens mobiles phones are £6-10 a month. £10 when we have upgraded the phone (they normally have iphone SEs) and then £6 when just the data plan.

Cars - with me working nearby and DH WFH some days the plan will be that they can just use our cars when they need to. Otherwise they will need to use public transport/walk! when i was growing up i only knew a couple of people who had a car during 6th from or uni! deffo not the norm.

House deposit - while it would be nice to help out i think another option if you dont have the hard cash is to let them live with you while they save up themselves

Uni - there are loans and part time jobs! also if possible live at home that can help a bit but does depend on you living commuting distance. we live near bristol and cardiff so they will be good options if the kids want to live at home and go there.

No contracts till they could get a part time job and help pay.

I just don't have the funds so they can't do or have everything. They know that

Once they’re at uni they won’t be costing you the money you spend on them now for food, activities, petrol money etc. So you should be able to up the money you give to them monthly during the time they’re away. Plus it’s pretty normal for students to also have part time work now (I do t necessarily think that’s right but that’s another issue entirely)

You’re under no obligation to pay for a house deposit

Both of my older teens are on degree apprenticeships - no Uni fees, they both earn over £18k so fund their own cars, phones etc. I purposely don’t charge them rent and that money goes into a help to buy Isa.
Times have changed, my parents helped me out far more than I can help mine ( as a single parent with a pathetic exh who has no contact with them). Do I feel bad I can’t afford Uni etc ? Yes but it is what it is.

Well you won't need to find money for uni fees or the first £4k of their uni accommodation as these will be provided by loans.

And the vast majority of young people don't get bought cars (though a lot of parents will pay for driving lessons), or given a house deposit.

So your expectation of what you have to fund seems way off frankly.

And if you were thinking in terms of giving them a house deposit then £20 a month for a phone is a drop in the ocean surely?

Re your Dh adamant he is buying them cars, firstly have you even looked at the cost of insuring a newly qualified 17 year old driver? For fun do an insurance quote on a car that is for sale that your Dh would consider. The cost of the car is nothing compared to the eye watering amount of a sole driver of a car being 17.

Also depending on accommodation for uni there is usually no parking anywhere on campus for students. Even to drop Ds off it is all double yellow lines (Durham hill college)

I would look into uni costs, it may well be better to not move out for uni and save a lot of money. Ds's 1st year accommodation is £6335 at Durham for self catered. His loan amount is £4422 and if we top him up to the maximum loan amount then it is £5066 per year from us. We saved for both children to have 4 years at uni.

Phone wise we all have android phones and are on a family package with Plusnet paying around £9 each per month.

It is lovely to cover costs for cars and house deposits but you have to wonder what you are sacrificing to afford them. If nothing much then great but not everyone can finance this.

[ QUOTE]teens / young adults and start needing:[/ QUOTE]
Why would they NEED all that?

• mobile phone contracts - mine had second hand phone, if they lose or damage it, they replace it. Funnily enough friends who are given £1k phones and unlimited contracts also seem to be the ones that loose or damage them recularly.

• cars - why does a teen need a car? Get on public transport, or save up and buy your own.

• University fees & uni accommodation - they can earn to replace these - and perhaps taking a year or two out to earn and pay is the way. We help as we can - but one lives at home for free while at college, the other gets £200 a month from us.

• maybe even house deposits - again, this is for them to sort out.

We also have a rule that if they are earning but not in fulltime education, then 20% goes into the household emergency pot from earnings.

Maybe I am harsh - but despite a recent divorce I have house over my head and nearly paid off, although monthlies are tight.

Two of my children aged 20 & 21 have worked all through the pandemic, both through college and uni, and the gap year one missed out on. Each has saved between £11-16k each, ready for uni/rental deposit/car to commute etc.

All three of mine have worked since 13, from paper round to waiting on or flipping burgers.

Mine have no expectation of support other than emergencies beyond 18. They are adults.

I don't think being denied stuff by your parents equates to 'overachieving' - my brother ensures he didn't work over university and law college, convinced my parents to fund him and he did hugely well! I have an almost 15 year old and we worry about this but my DH got a very good job with bonuses last year to ensure we can pay for uni accommodation at the very least. I am going to go for a much better paid job for my line of work once my youngest is old enough to be left with DS for a bit after school. The house we buy is always a doer upper to make money as DH an Architect so we don't need to pay for that. Our parents helped up though so we want the same for our DC, it is more tricky for us though as we didn't have the windfall properties which has largely helped with wealth and in my DH's case he had trust fund from his grandparents for post graduate Architecture qualification. We both worked in the summer holidays though to fund uni in term time. Unsure about house deposits at this stage but we would like to as we were helped.

Our teenager as very expensive compared to his younger years. He isn't bothered by latest phone etc. But he enjoys going out and wants cash for that. He also had an electric guitar for Christmas and that kind of thing is way more than a Thomas the Tank engine track like when he was 5!

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Whether you need to buy cars will depend on where you live, but equally this may help provide funding.

The teens I have known that have had cars all used them to drive to school and the cost of the car was offset by the previous costs of taxis or train tickets to school.

This may also be offset by childcare costs. Eg. One family I know paid a childminder to pick up the kids from school and take them home and look after until the parents came home. When the older child was old enough to drive they bought an old car and this was altogether cheaper than paying the childminder.

As others have said, loans for uni fees and cheap phone contracts (mine is £6 a month).

University accommodation/maintenance is a big cost, but the money you have saved should help with this.
Another option to help is a well payed gap year (although this may depend on their degree subject).

I have a friend whose dc is studying at Oxford uni and she tells me that he is not allowed to get a job in the holidays, it is a requirement of the course. If this is the case it seems quite elitist!

A big help you can give teenagers is to teach them about how money works:

• savings
• loans & credit cards
• mortgages
• pensions
• tax/NI

I dont mean a sit down lecture but explaining in an age appropriate way. This way, when they get their first job, they have a good understanding and dont blow the first pay cheque on nonsense.

When I was at Oxford they were firm you weren't supposed to work in term time. But holiday work was encouraged. I did temping but ideally people got work placements/relevant work experience etc.

A friend's son didn't at all and she subsidised him a lot. He had every excuse under the sun but ended up in a lucrative career so can now fund himself.

Nobody needs their parents to buy them a car!!!! I lived in the middle of nowhere growing up and even then I didn't have my own, I had to negotiate times I could borrow my mum's and paid for my petrol money out of my Saturday job wages

"Live with you while they save up" does only really work if they happen to get a job in your area, which I imagine is quite unusual outside of London?

@Goldenbear I thought it was term-time jobs they werent allowed? Which makes sense because the terms are very short but very intense.

In general term time jobs will depend on what is available, the nature of the course and the nature of the student. Both my student DCs had term time jobs in their first year but found they needed to drop them in the second year and beyond as the intensity of their courses increased.

@Goldenbear

I have a friend whose dc is studying at Oxford uni and she tells me that he is not allowed to get a job in the holidays, it is a requirement of the course. If this is the case it seems quite elitist!

Oxbridge courses have intense eight week terms. You might get a job in a college bar or working on schools liaison outreach projects, but generally, no jobs in term-time. However, you're probably more able to secure some hardship funding if you really need it. Parents not making up the shortfall on maintenance loans isn't usually going to secure you hardship funding, though.

Well mine never had expensive phone contracts for a start. They got our old ones and a sim only plan.

They got student loans for tuition and maintenance although we did top up with food money each week.

Driving lessons we helped with but not the tests and repeat tests they paid.

Both had jobs starting at 13 with paper rounds then local cafe/chippy then retail right through uni.

You don’t have to find these things, thousands of kids have to sort them themselves and do.

Interesting, I thought my friend actually said holiday time as well as she wanted him out working as a matter of principle but maybe it's course specific?

It makes a bit more sense if that's how short and intense the terms are. Maybe he just said that to avoid working!

I put £100/month away for mine, that’ll give him a lump sum of approx £25k by the time he’s 20. I think that’s a pretty reasonable amount and he can choose whether he uses it for uni fees, house deposit, car or whatever. Anything more than that he’ll have to work for it himself.

Kids get part time jobs and save, pay for own phone contracts

They get loans for uni, and again work part time to support themselves

Driving lessons part paid via birthday/Christmas

Cars, well I had to use my parents until I could buy my own

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Many of us never had help from parents for any of those things. We either got jobs or went without.

@AllThePogs

Many people are completely financially independent from 18 as they have no choice. And I had no choice when 18. That is not boasting, it would be a strange kind of boast. It is simply saying that although parents I think should help if they can, many 18-year-olds do survive without any help at all. It is hard, but it is possible. And usually the 18 year olds having to do this already start with far less advantages than middle class 18 year olds have.

When it comes to funding for uni, those from less-advantaged backgrounds will have more maintenance funding available to them than those from middle class backgrounds who receive the minimum maintenance loan and need their parents (usually) to fund the shortfall, thereby meaning they're not easily financially independent.