To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

Giffgaff do Sims with unlimited texts and calls for £10/month. It's possible to get decent mobiles for £100. If they want something fancier it's up to them to work for it.

All the other stuff is unnecessary. I never received them from my parents.

I got a student loan, and worked at uni, and didn't get a car until after graduation, which I paid for by myself with my salary.

[quote AllThePogs]@Heyupourkid what is different is that some middle-class jobs that were previously well paid, no longer are. So these people look at their parents and their lives, and have equivalent jobs and think life is much harder for them.
Yes house prices are more, but many of us could not afford to buy until older even years ago.
And most people did not go to university when it was free. That is why the government could afford to make it free. The number of students was capped by the government. As soon as the cap was removed numbers soared and the government made it no longer free.
I am in my late fifties. When I was young well off people went to university and got help from parents. Most of us didn't and had to earn every penny we spent, usually from 16 years old.
The ideas presented as normal now is the normal for a privileged group in society.[/quote]
That’s not what happened with university numbers.

Uni used to be for those that were academically capable. The “clever” we’re supported through free university places. Blair wanted to “extend access” meaning academic ability was replaced with ability to pay (over a lifetime if necessary). Universities went from places of learning to businesses, A level standards were dropped to allow more and all manner of Mickey Mouse subjects were created to appease those who couldn’t do the more academic/creative subjects.

(Dad was a uni lecturer his whole working life. He retired early when the accountants started dictating who should be on his highly coveted courses rather than him.)

My parents never paid for any of those things, we got part time jobs once old enough and paid for our own phones. Same at uni, I always had a job for spending money and a loan to cover accommodation. Fees are paid once you graduate now too. I never had a car until I finished uni and could afford one. To buy a house I moved back home (as did my husband) and my parents allowed me to live rent free. My wealthy in-laws made my husband pay rent so he didn't save as much but thankfully my parents helped in that way. Even with wealthy in-laws they didn't contribute towards our house deposit, although both of our parents did give us 8k each towards our wedding. Both parents also paid for masters degrees for us so we could get decent jobs. I don't think you need to pay for everything once your child reaches 18, we'll probably do the same, say they can move back home after uni for free to save and contribute towards weddings. House deposits and cars are their responsibility to work for (we have 3 children).

I remember having a few entitled friends at uni who had daddy pay for everything, including a brand new car. They didn't need a part time job and had no idea about budgeting. They also got their loan cleared on graduating and a house deposit handed to them. They obviously have a nice lifestyle now, but they came from money. Not reality for your average family.

I have 8 children, 3 are teens at the moment and want/have contract phones and all the branded clothes.

It is expensive but we can afford it. I’d like to pay for driving lessons and their first car, and I’d like to help them with house deposits when the time comes but that will be when I sell my house to downsize so won’t be til they’re older.

As far as uni goes, if they want to go they’ll have to get a student loan and a job like I did!

They don't need help with any of that stuff. MIL raised 4 children on next to nothing and they are all happy, well rounded adults now who are doing well. She wasn't able to support dh financially with uni of a car or whatever but he sorted it all out for himself and has a great work ethic now. Of course it's nice to be able to help out with all the stuff you said but it's not essential.

Your own financial situation will likely change too. You ll have more time and energy for your career as they get older, for example. You've already said you could only save £25 when they were small but have increased that four fold now.

@RunningInTheWind

I’m a single parent with an income of around 14k (for everything). There’s an 18 month gap between the 2 and both are academic.

They won’t be getting phones as I feel they’re detrimental to mental health and development.

They have trust funds for uni, but I’d rather they bought property outright and took the loans.

They won’t get everything they want - few of us in life do!

One thing with phones is that they are such a huge part of society now they will feel left out for not having one. It’s the way my brother and his friends arrange to meet up for example. But once they are at the age where they might be thinking of getting a job. No fast food nor retail establishment will touch someone that doesn’t have a phone.

They get jobs! Both of mine worked p/t as soon as they turned 16. One worked all through uni, the other didn't as he was doing a science degree with loads of contact time but he worked all through the summer and other holidays which gave him a back up fund.

We have helped them both out with cars, but they didn't get them when they turned 17 - they shared mine and got their own when they really needed them (second hand)

They've always paid their own phone contracts.

@JSL52 if they are going to university then they have to have accommodation and some money to live on. And the student maintenance grant is calculated to include a parental contribution. If you choose not to pay this then either your child doesnt go or their life is made incredibly difficult.

My BiL was one whose parents should have contributed and didnt. He worked a lot around his studies and still ended up living in a squat in his third year. The whole experience had a profound effect on him and his relationship with his (incredibly wealthy) parents never really recovered.

BlackLambAndGreyFalcon

umm, yes that was why I clearly said the maintenance loan?

Uk students all pay for fees via student loan. But we are talking about living costs, ie maintenance loan.

3 DCs now aged 22-26. Youngest is still a student in her final bachelors year with a masters year to go.

Regarding Uni, 2 of them went. We made it clear to both that parental funds were limited. Their student loans didnt fully cover rent so we paid the balance and a weekly amount to cover food. This spread the cost for us and also meant they didnt have a large sum of money sitting temptingly in their bank accounts.

Cost was part of their uni choices. They both chose cities with less expensive accommodation and good travel links to home (Nottingham and Sheffield). We felt that going away to study was part of the uni experience plus both wanted to study science courses which werent available at the local university.

None of the three are expecting house deposits but DH and I have always helped out wherever we could whether with money or actual assistance.

We are quite open with our DCs about family finances (and we do see them as family finances). DCs know roughly what DH and I both earn. We talk about plans with them. We are also available to give advice on mortgages/rent/tax etc if asked for (it helps that I am an accountant).

YANBU. We have 3 primary-aged children who are close in age, and we have begun saving aggressively for these things because we know it’s not that long until the expenses start to snowball. We hope to help with as much as we are able. With inflation going like it is, though, I doubt it will cover everything.

The answer is that they don't have to have all of that and if they want it then they need to work to pay for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Students only qualified for a parking permit if registered as having a disability, no exceptions. This was the rule on all the campus both myself and DH worked on.

DS had a paper round from 13 to 17 and saved some. He uses my car and we paid for lessons for his birthday present, he had 17 in total. He has chosen the degree apprenticeship route and will earn almost 20k and have no fees to pay.

I had zero help at University, myself and siblings all had to completely fund our lives. My family were far too hard up to help plus had six children. DH was assisted a little but he also worked.

No fancy phones for DS, a boy in his class was mugged for his I phone.

Even if you could afford everything easily is it a good idea? DS GF parents are hard working but in low wage jobs they just can’t help her much at all. She reminds me very much of me at that age.

be pragmatic and don't be pushed too much by peer pressure.

Both our kids have sim only contracts - about £7.50 each with decent data. They had hand me down smartphones (and recently got new ones but the first ones in 5 years). So you can save a lot there.

Cars - they can get their own. Maybe buy some lessons but if they want that badly they can get a weekend job or something.

University - have a look now what your income is like and what that means for loans. I know its not a clear prediciton but you can start to plan what may or may not be available to you. Eg for us we get minimum which 'roughly' covers accommodation (sometimes needs a small top up) so we mainly have to focus on living expenses. Thats costing us around £250pm - for 10 months (we don't pay when its summer hols). they can also get a job during the summer or even term time. so for a three year degree that'd be £7.5k per child for living expenses. Round it up to £10k for contingencies. Depending how far off they are, that may be doable with your savings, or your savings + a bit of adjustment to your budget closer to the time (you'll save a little on food for instance)

its doable. Key is to have your eyes open and be practical

Lots of people do not have hand outs from parents to cover those things. From 18, I was responsible for my own phone contract payments, and had to save up for the other things on your list. This isn't unusual or abnormal.

I never got a car, or lessons, mobile phones didn't exist and loans and grants covered university (which I paid off for years!). I was never funded to go travelling, nor was I gifted a house deposit from my parents. I had a Saturday job from the age of 14 and did part time work alongside studying until I graduated. TBH I'm not sure it does kids any favours to be handed everything on a plate, real life is not like that! I plan to encourage my kids to get a job when they can and I'm also keen to steer them towards vocational qualifications if they are interested and not just to go to uni because everyone else does.

The best thing my dm did for me was encourage me to get a PT job when I was 13. She said if I wanted trainers other than supermarket ones etc, then I had to pay for half of them (no mobile phones etc back then!) And she didn't look for the job for me (I see so many parents doing that now!) I had to go and find it myself. She could have afforded the trainers etc, but she wanted me to learn the value of money. None of my friends had jobs at the time and at first it felt unfair, but literally within a month I was so pleased to have my own money and obtain some independence. By the time I was 16 I paid for all my own clothes (other than school uniform), paid for my own holidays with friends, my first mobile phone, going out etc. I kept that same PT job until I finished university ( I worked there in the holidays) as well as having other PT/FT summer jobs as well. It honestly made such a massive difference in my life, gave me a really strong work ethic and I have no doubt contributed to my successful career as an adult. I do not think that encouraging children to stand on their own two feet does them any harm and I'm 43, I don't think things have changed THAT much?

Definitely don't need to be providing all this stuff!

A £10 phone contract would be helpful for them before they start uni, but uni fees are covered by loans. If their maintenance isn't enough they can get a part time job no problem.

My mum couldn't afford driving lessons and a car for me so I just didn't drive! I can learn as an adult now I have money.

Same goes for housing deposits - I know they can't help me so I save. It's fine!

I get this fear OP, especially with how social media pressures teens so much - when I was 14 I had a body shop lipgloss set and that was it. These days girls are wearing contour palettes worth £50.

Just remember though, its not your responsibility to help with things like house deposits.

I would encourage Saturday jobs and start instilling the need to work for what they need, rather than relying on you.

@Buildingthefuture

The best thing my dm did for me was encourage me to get a PT job when I was 13. She said if I wanted trainers other than supermarket ones etc, then I had to pay for half of them (no mobile phones etc back then!) And she didn't look for the job for me (I see so many parents doing that now!) I had to go and find it myself. She could have afforded the trainers etc, but she wanted me to learn the value of money. None of my friends had jobs at the time and at first it felt unfair, but literally within a month I was so pleased to have my own money and obtain some independence. By the time I was 16 I paid for all my own clothes (other than school uniform), paid for my own holidays with friends, my first mobile phone, going out etc. I kept that same PT job until I finished university ( I worked there in the holidays) as well as having other PT/FT summer jobs as well. It honestly made such a massive difference in my life, gave me a really strong work ethic and I have no doubt contributed to my successful career as an adult. I do not think that encouraging children to stand on their own two feet does them any harm and I'm 43, I don't think things have changed THAT much?

I mean I agree and won’t be paying everything for my kids but things have definitely changed. I live in a seaside town known for casual cash in hand jobs where teens will often be hired but you’d have a very very hard time as a 13 year old just wandering around nowadays looking for a job. Absolutely no reputable business or shop will hire a 13 year old which leaves them (if as you say your mum refused to assist you) open and vulnerable to anyone.

Different if you know a friend who will let them have a job etc but it would not be easy for an unassisted 13 year old to find good work nowadays.

Re phones, it is worth looking at places like Tesco. We have 4 phone contracts which currently costs about £85/month. The two DCs with contracts I still pay for are now on their last Bank of Mum & Dad contract.

I don't understand why so many people are talking about their own experiences as teens in the 1990s/2000s (except so that they can boast about their own self-sufficiency as teens - well done you!). Society has changed hugely since then and it has affected everything on OP's list except, maybe, the car and driving lessons.

If they don't qualify for the complete maintenance loan, then you, as parents, as expected to contriubute to uni fees

No you aren't. The tuition fee loan covers the full fees.

Parents often (usually) have to contribute to living expenses, but not to fees.

Thanks all some good advice here. I think we are in that "grey middle ground" for student loans where we earn too much for our DCs to get really big loans, but the reality is our salaries are almost totally absorbed by mortgage and cost of living in this area so we have very little left after. I hadn't thought about childcare costs being finished though so that will help a bit although not hugely as we only use about 250 p/m worth.

DH is adamant about us getting them cars, although I also was never given a car! Didn't get one until I was in my 30s.