To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

Uni fees - they can get a loan.
Driving lessons - part time job.
Car - can they not borrow yours?
House deposit - they'll probably have to save up for it. Most people do, unless there's an inheritance down the line?

Uni fees - they can get a loan.

Did you read any of the previous discussion about this @MrsColon?

How old are your children now? I think you are not factoring in the fact that your children will become more independent and will not need you to provide everything. You are also second guessing that they will want to drive and go to Uni (all kids do want phones!) Even if they do want all these things, they come gradually and not all at once, you can plan. I didn't pay for my 2 children's Uni, fees, accommodation or living expenses. I was a skint single parent for years and couldn't afford to save. They worked for a year before going and saved up and payed for themselves through a student loan. My daughter is 24 and saved up herself from her job for a deposit for her first house while living at home (she is a really good saver). She has just moved into her first place (bought joint with her boyfriend) My children had cheaper new or refurbished phones for Christmas /birthday presents then used pay as you go sims paid for by pocket money & Christmas and birthday money. I didn't buy either of them a car although my daughter was lucky enough to be given one by her great-aunt. She paid for her own tax and insurance through working. My son hasn't learned to drive yet because he is doing a post grad degree and cant afford it. He gets public transport or cabs if he cant walk to where he needs to go. It's good for older children/ young adults to learn to be independent and not expect parents to provide everything.

Yes exactly this - people who keep saying about loans, I'm either hugely missing something or the amount of loan available to children from middle class families really doesn't begin to touch the sides. And as I've mentioned, I wish we could easily top up but the reality is we can't because our mortgage is insane and other bills etc pretty massive too.

mobile phone contracts it doesn't need to be an expensive iPhone and contract. And they don't need to do more than text and call until teens
cars driving lessons can be part of presents for 17th onwards, if they want a car it's either save from presents or get a job
University fees / uni accommodationyou give what you can. They take our maximum loan. They get part time jobs. They live at home. They take a different route.
maybe even house depositsthey get a job.

We have brought up two sons and have got them to mid 20's without financial ruin for them or us.

Phones - we paid for phone contracts through to the end of university and until they started work, as DH and I both had work phones with liberal use allowed it didn't cost us much intotal but around £27 pm each.

Jobs -not just for the money but to get a better idea of the world i wanted both my sons to have part time jobs from 16 onwards. One worked in a supermarket and the other a local takeaway. They both made friends, earned rather more than i was expecting, and managed to save.

Student life - Both took full loans and we helped a bit on top as accommodation was expensive. One as a high paid job and has nearly paid his loan back, the other is very unlikely to ever pay it back.

Cars -they are on their own with that one, though both live in London now and don't need a car. We paid 2/3 towards driving lessons.

House? They will be saving up, though we have had a couple of small (very small) inheritances pension lump sums etc and generally give them a little something towards their savings.

That has been it really. We contributed to a course the youngest wanted to take to retrain after he was made redundant due to covid and are generous with birthdays and Christmas treats but it is rather good to know your financial duty as a parent is at an end.

They get a student loan from the SLC to live on/pay rent from while at Uni.

You don’t give or loan them a house deposit. Encourage them in to well paying professions so they can do this themselves.

Tell them you’ll maybe pay £10-£20 a month phone credit (or whatever you can afford) and when it’s spent it’s spent.

You don’t buy them a car. Maybe pay for 10 lessons for a birthday present or similar, but that’s it.

If they need a laptop etc for uni you pay whatever you can afford towards and they match it or give it as a Christmas present.

They get a Saturday and/or summer job.

I did all of these things, and DH and I paid for our own wedding. I was in no way deprived, had three jobs each summer holiday but still travelled and enjoyed myself. Aged 35 I’m a homeowner in an expensive part of the SE and DH and I both have excellent professional jobs.

You don’t help children by handing them everything on a plate.

@HelpMeHiveMind students can get a loan for full course fees. This is normal and I think the vast majority do this.

The maintenance aspect (ie the money for food and accommodation) is dependant on parental income. However all students will get a basic maintenance loan of around £4k. It is then up to the parents how much they are able to top up.

The two loans (fees & maintenance) become student debt which the graduate starts to repay once their earning cross a threshold.

The above is very simplified and there are differences in different parts of the UK.

We were like you and worried about this a lot, older children can be pretty expensive when you factor in cars, house deposits etc.

We decided to save £100 per month in to an account for her, it's now been 4 and a bit years and it now stands at about £6.2k, so if we continue this on we would hope to get to about £45k by the time she turns 18, which we will slowly hand over to her as and when she needs it.

I've never received any of those things from my parents and do not expect to provide them for my kids, hadn't crossed my mind until reading this thread. The most my mum did was drive me to the nearest Tesco and get me to fill out the job application form when I was 16, I did everything else for myself from that point onwards. It's easy to work through uni you get a lot of free time and it helps with experience and getting a job afterwards. I've not been able to afford a car or house deposit yet but that's life, so wouldn't be able to give these to my kids anyway.

‘ My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits ’

12 year old is on a £8 a month phone contract that he ‘pays’ for with chores… in a couple of years he’ll have a part time job/s to earn pocket money for his bits and bobs.
Otherwise - cars : I didn’t have a car til I was nearly 30 and I certainly wasn’t expecting my parents to pay for it. Most 17/18 year olds can get on alright on a bike or public transport! Why do you have to get them a car?? Lessons and insurance are expensive.
Uni/College - we pay into ISAs for our kids but fully expect them to get student loans and jobs if they go into Futher education just as we did.
Maybe they’ll be smart enough to get some kind of bursary, maybe they’d prefer to do an apprenticeship and earn money earlier.

Houses/deposits - your kids will be adults. Lovely as it might be to be in a position to ‘help’ them out prob the best you can do is emphasis a good education and give them a good work ethic now to give them a chance to get decent paying jobs so they can afford to fund their own adulthood. Give them a sense of adventure, to work and travel and perhaps live somewhere where they can afford to pay for their own housing.

Not sure why you’re worrying about paying for things that they’ll need when they’re old enough to work and save for and con tribute to themselves.

When people talk about ‘affording’ children that’s usually about loss of earnings from maternity,
Going part-time and affording childcare not setting adult offspring up in a house of their own.

Whilst it’s lovely to think you can provide all these things it’s really true that unless you work for things they are not so much valued. I have first hand experience of this on a few levels and we are nc with some family members that think they are owed a living, have things like Sky sports, smoke, etc have a couple of dogs etc etc, don’t work etc, all the things we can’t afford even though we are both working. Thank goodness our children have a work ethic.

D s buys reconditioned mobiles much cheaper.

I only pay a tenner to EE and he is nearly 17.WE

As for cars Dec he has 4k Child Trust Find when he is 18.

I agree with the worry - we are madly saving for our two when they are older. The hope is that we will be able to save more per month as time goes on. Our DC are 8 and 4. They should be able to get a part time job, I had a Saturday job from 16. They don't need driving lessons or a car. They can get a phone for birthday/Christmas or take your old one. And get a student loan. Great if you can afford to help with house deposits in some small way.

• mobile phone contracts If you buy a phone it's £10 a month with gifgaf

• cars - they but their own

• University fees depending on your income this can be a prob is you are a middle earner and don't get full amount of loan/grant

• uni accommodation as above

• maybe even house deposits They save. My dd has her deposit saved. She's 25 and went to uni.

I find some of the comments a bit bizarre! My WC parents couldn’t afford to give me money, so when I went off to Uni at 18 I was financially independent from that day on.
I have a profession, job, kids,house,car all of which I and DW have completely funded.
You do your kids no favours trying to hand them everything on a plate into adulthood.

They can work

I started working at 16 and worked throughout university. Granted there were no tuition fees and I got a partial grant, but I got loans on top, plus of course my wages.

As for a house deposit, they can save for that too. Or rent like billions of people do and like I did until my 30s.

I pay for my teens' mobile phone contracts and give them money for university from my income. They'll have to work to get a deposit unless I free up some of the equity in my house by then. I guarantee my eldest daughter's rent too

I didn't get any help at all while I was at home or university and certainly didn't get anything towards my rent or my first house. I had to work while I was at school and at university and my children expect to do the same. (and they do). I'll take them on holiday with me if they want to come, but if they want a holiday or a car or anything else they all have to save up for it. They all have good work ethics.

Its really pretty simple. if you haven't got the money then the kids can't have those things unless they can pay for them themselves.

And how much was your maintenance loan worth @Isaw3ships? I find it bizarre that some posters cannot get their heads round the idea that the amount students receive varies according to parental income. If your parents couldn't afford to give you money then I guess you got the full loan, yes?

We really struggled because we had a third when older two became teens!
Some things we did-
Phones never latest ones wer always bday pressies
Expensive clothes as gifts only bought essentials other wise
Part time jobs at 18.
From 16 mine got £20 a week each but that covered everything inc school dinner (they could take pack up) so it was up to them to budget
Cars - lessons etc could be bday gift, we did pay £500 towards insurance first year. Car had to be saved for.
Uni- full loans plus £100 per month each from us towards food etc.

I think you're massively overthinking OP, none of what you've mentioned is compulsory. Other than the phone I never had any of that from my parents and I'm doing well.

mobile phone contracts - doesn't need to be really expensive

cars - they can get cars themselves when they get a part time job (I bought my first car at 19 after paying for all all my own lessons. My car was nothing fancy but it got me around

University fees - they may not decide to go to University, if they do, they can get loans to cover fees. I'm in Scotland so our fees are covered so not entirely sure but I thought in England there was a separate loan for fees?

uni accommodation - if they move out for uni, again their loan can cover this or a PT job. Again I'm in Scotland so not sure on amount but I got £4750 a year loan, wasn't entitled to anything else, it was split over 10 months so £475 a month. My accommodation costs were £450 a month in halls which included all bills. I then had a PT job in a nightclub to cover things like food etc. My mum couldn't have afforded to help with any of this.

maybe even house deposits - again that's something they can work and save for themselves. They'll have some savings from what you're saving for them now and they can build on that once they start working. I'm 23 and recently bought my first house without help from my parents. I did get £10k from my Gran when she died but the rest I saved for myself

Porcupineintherough it's often not as simple as that. The maintenance loan calculations dont take into account mortgage, other children etc. So a family with a high income and a high mortgage plus other children still to pay for may find that they cant afford the cash to support a student.

YANBU.

It's a good question and you do just do it, you do just plod on. You make sacrifices and don't do stuff/buy stuff yourself. (I am talking about myself and DH here, and other people like us who have always been average earners.)

We would not buy new clothes unless we needed them, we hardly went to the pub, we did our own hair at home (whilst our 2 DD went to the hairdressers,) we had a cheap £10 PAYG phone from Argos, and we shopped for clothes (when we did buy them) in Primark and Peacocks. DD had theirs from New Look, Next, and H & M.

We did splash out on holidays, and went abroad around 10 times when they were 5 to 15, but that was with the kids, so they got the benefit of that too.

They are a year and 2 months apart, so it was hard going, and especially when they were at uni. They had part time jobs and uni loans, but both constantly needed more money.

We just got used to having very little. We went on holidays as I said, and had day trips to the beach, and to the zoo, and theme parks and the like, but again, it was 'for the kids' and with the kids.

They left uni in 2017 (both together as the older one started a year later, as she wanted a year out,) and they left home too, and got jobs fairly quickly. So long story short, we have not been supporting them in any way for 4 or 5 years now.

Although we are not massively high earners, (just average,) we are constantly shocked at how much money we have left at the end of each month now.

Sorry, I don't want to sound braggy, and as I said, we had nothing for ourselves for the 21/22 years, as we were supporting/paying out for 2 children very close in age.

Just trying to illustrate the point, that children cost a bloody fortune, and I sometimes wonder how we did it! (And you WILL notice when they leave home, how much more money you have!)

I would never change a thing obviously, and both myself and DH love our 2 daughters to bits, and they are the best thing to happen to us. And we now have 2 mid 20-something, wonderful, intelligent, hard-working successful young women for daughters. But I'd be lying if I said we didn't sacrifice quite a bit, and that they didn't cost a fortune!