AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

How likely is it that you'll get married? If you're sure you're going to then you're just creating an extra job for yourself later

To be honest, I think you want to give her your surname for your own reasons rather than thinking about what’s best for her. It will certainly raise eyebrows at school

Why don’t you change your name by deed poll, then all 4 of you will have same surname

I don't like the idea that children automatically get the dad's name, so you're not being unreasonable there. But I do think it would be strange for the kids to have entirely different surnames - everyone will assume you're a blended family. Nothing wrong with blended families, but your kids might feel strange about having an attachment to different parents.

Why not double barrell them both? That way they have the same name as each other and as both parents. Then you can still get married and if you want to take the double barrel yourself (and husband too!)

It won’t ‘raise eyebrows at school’ at all. If it does, you should be changing schools.

Change your name by deed poll?

Also, I don't really understand the logic of having time to have kids but not having the time to get married - making a child takes at least 9 months, whereas a small ceremony at the register office can be quick and cheap and still fun.

But don't change your name to your partner's name by deed poll if you're not married - that's just weird!

I would give DC2 DP's surname in this situation, as well as organising a basic wedding ceremony. I think the DCs will end up wanting the same name as each other, and having 'a child each' could be misconstrued by the DCs as they grow as you each having a favourite.
Ideally if you were starting afresh, both DCs would have your name. You get the option to change their names to DP's/a new joint family name upon marriage.

It won’t raise any eyebrows at school at all. It’s very common.

I think that’s a fair enough suggestion. I wish I had done that with my kids come to think of it.

I should say, it’s very common for siblings to have different surnames for a variety of reasons.

Give her your name and change your first kids name. Give him a time limit. If he isn't prepared to marry you the change your oldest surname.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick if you asked me before my first pregnancy I would have said 100% chance we will get married. Now I feel like it’s perhaps 70% as neither of us can really be assed. It just doesn’t seem like a priority any more and now I would like to have slightly older kids attend their parents’ wedding so they can walk themselves and understand the significance of the occasion. So it’s at least a few years off if it does happen. I also want to fully recover from the pregnancies, births and breastfeeding, all of which I found challenging.

So it’s more of a principle for now and so don’t mind a bit of extra admin later

Go get married at a registry office, pub meal after, and chance your name to match. Weddings don’t have to be massive things, you can plan one in a couple weeks.

Why not just book a slot at the register office before the baby is born? It’ll cost you a tiny amount, you can rope in witnesses off the street and be done in 20 minutes. Do it in jeans.

I’d double barrel your baby’s name or give them the same name as their sibling.

People will assume they have different Dads and whilst that may not bother adults, it might bother kids.

Also if you’re talking about years before you marry then your child is going to have to deal with a new name so will they have learned to write their name? Be at school and have to field questions as to why?

Normally I’m very for kids have Mums name, but I think giving the kids different surnames just because you’ve not made time to marry is a bit unfair on them.

@BasementIdeas and @Caterinasballerinas I don’t think changing my name by deed poll to his is an option for me unless we were getting married.

I mean I don’t really want to lose my name at all as I have had it for 40 years and it’s mine and I like it and I don’t love the fact that it’s still probably the norm (or at least very common) to default to the man’s name….but I would be much more likely to do it if we were tying the knot.

Double-barrelling is one option I would consider though @Rumplestrumpet - although I generally associate double barrelling with posher people than us haha - we both have pretty short common not-fancy-at-all names!

Arranging our tiny registry office wedding was basically zero work and hardly cost anything! We got married soon after DD arrived as it suddenly became important to us when it hadn't before. If you both do actually want to get married, just ring them and book a date. It's really very little effort.

@Rumplestrumpet in hindsight we probably should have just done the wedding before I got pregnant first time around. I don’t think I was prepared for how all-consuming pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and raising kids would be. I love being a mum to my toddler and can’t wait til her sister arrives but I am no spring chicken and being continuously pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 2.5 years straight at this point has taken its toll. And assuming I breastfeed baby 2, potentially for between 1 year to 18 months like her older sister, then I am looking at 4 years of little ones growing and feeding in and off me, depleting me further - all of which I am committed to doing - but would also like to look and feel my best for that wedding if/when it happens. I look and feel seriously haggard at this point (both in face and body) and have noticeably aged in the last couple of years. Probably not helped by avoiding hairdressers and facials and massages due to trying not to catch covid while pregnant or with a newborn.

I think our families would be disappointed with a quick registry office wedding too - they would want a bigger celebration for us. So we need to compromise between what we want and what they want.

Despite what pp said no it ISNT common at all for full siblings to have different surnames at all. Everyone will assume they are half siblings. Not something I would do personally. I would give them the same name.

@SkankingMopoke yes I don’t like the idea of the kids thinking they each belong to one of us. I have such a strong bond with my first child (way more so than my DP does, despite his best efforts) so I do feel sad that she has his name, not mine. I do wish I had just given her mine to begin with.

@Redwinestillfine it’s not that he is refusing to marry me and that I am pushing for marriage - more that it’s not a pressing priority for either of us now and likely to be years away when we have got the toddler years behind us and are ready to plan it properly and be looking and feeling our best rather than sleep deprived broken wrecks!

@helterskelter3

It won’t raise any eyebrows at school at all. It’s very common.

I think that’s a fair enough suggestion. I wish I had done that with my kids come to think of it.

Really? Siblings with the same parents having different surnames?

Wouldn't call that common at all.

@Hugasauras

Arranging our tiny registry office wedding was basically zero work and hardly cost anything! We got married soon after DD arrived as it suddenly became important to us when it hadn't before. If you both do actually want to get married, just ring them and book a date. It's really very little effort.

Easier than sorting out the legalities that safeguard everyone I would have thought.

People will assume they are half sisters I guess, if they don’t know you and your partner, but who cares really.

It might be easier though to either double barrel both kids names, or get married (it cost 50 quid, and takes 10 mins)

Think about how your child will feel in the future having your surname while you, her dad and sibling has his. Just because you're not getting married now, doesnt mean you won't.

Something tells me you're throwing your toys out of your pram.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower and @MsAgnesDiPesto sounds too rushed to try to get married before the baby comes and not something either of us want right now. I have crippling pelvic pain, feet and ankles so swollen getting shoes on is a challenge and I pee 6 times a night so wake up with swollen eyes every morning - and we have a very unpredictable toddler to manage! I don’t want to hobble down the aisle or look back on haggard wedding pics with strangers being our witness (our family would be gutted not to be there).

We are also hibernating as much as possible so as not to catch covid before the birth (my uterus is very damaged from the first birth so it’s important I don’t go into labour spontaneously which is more likely to happen if I got covid at this late stage of the 3rd trimester, so desperate to stay covid free and have my planned c section). So a wedding and meeting anyone seems like an added risk that I don’t want to take, on top of the timing being all wrong for us