AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

I think the kids themselves will have a problem with it when they are older.

Give the youngest your surname and change the eldest to yours. Change nothing if you get married. If DP wants to change his name to yours upon marriage, he can if you are OK with it.

I do think full siblings should have the same surname.

If you don’t want to take his name - then why are you planning to
And you’re sad dc1 doesn’t have your name - then why aren’t you changing it
Dc2s name isn’t the issue here.

Change them both to double barrelled
And then double barrel or keep your own when you do eventually get married

We got married when our youngest was 2 and eldest 3. You could potentially be getting married in 2 years.

You make a good point @JustLyra about our first child perhaps having learnt to write her name etc before we do get married and the implications of changing her name at that late stage. What age do kids learn to write their name? Around 4 perhaps?

Don’t you think that it will seem like total favouritism? This kids yours, that ones mine

I would absolutely make sure they have the same surname

Double barrel them both

It’s strange and people including teachers etc will assume they are step sisters.

Can’t you just change big sister’s name to double barrelled and give little one double barrelled too?

@MrsPotatoHead22 if we did get married later then we would either all change our names (mine and our 2nd child) to DP’s or - more controversially - have 2 surnames in the one family! We wouldn’t leave our second child as the odd one out with a different surname from the other 3

How financially secure are you? Do you work?

@Fluenty I have always had really mixed feelings about changing my name and am still dithering about it years down the line! So I guess the imminent arrival of a second child has prompted more soul searching on the best course of action. I didn’t think giving my first child my DP’s name would be a big deal but now I have grown her and breastfed her and spent an intense lockdown maternity leave with her and still look after her more days in the week than my DP and have this incredible bond with her that my DP just doesn’t, I feel much more strongly that she should have had my name with the benefit of hindsight

@guardiansofthegalaxychocs I think this idea definitely is a good compromise, while I am still dithering! Is this fairly easy to do?

Ex-bf had this almost exact situation. His parents weren’t married and his older sister had his mum’s surname and he had his dad’s.
They were both in their late 20s / early 30s when I knew them. (With ex for about 6 years).
Their parents were in their late 50s and had never married, although still together and a very happy, committed couple.
The adult kids were very proud of the fact they had different surnames - maybe because the boy had his dad’s and the girl had her mum’s, it felt like they each had a special association with their same-sex parent. They often all talked about it proudly as a family - never any mention of it causing problems with school when they were younger.
It clearly worked for them.

To change your older DD’s name your DP would have to agree. Do you think he would?

If I’m honest, this whole idea sounds a bit childish. The sort of thing my classmates would have said aged 14 because they thought is was a “cool” idea. I hate to be so scathing but let’s look at this: the idea is really all about you. There is only a benefit to your supposed principles, and only possible negatives for your child(ren).

@toomuchlaundry we are both independently financially secure. I work full time with an above average salary, have my own property in my name which I rent out, have my own stocks and shares, substantial savings and a decent pension lined up plus a good inheritance coming to me from my parents assuming they don’t blow it all on cruises or care homes over the next 20 years (obviously can’t rely on the latter!). In summary, I would not be remotely in financial trouble if we were to split up and could immediately move out to rent or buy or return to my old property after giving my tenants sufficient notice.

My partner is older and more financially secure than me and recently inherited a business which will provide a generous additional source of income once probate etc is all sorted in a year or so (but we pay for joint and child expenses in proportion to our incomes and assets and we live in his property which is in his name only but I don’t pay him rent so if we were to split it’s not like I have been paying his mortgage for him).

@ByStarlight that’s really nice to hear a positive story of it working for that family - although we will have 2 daughters so it’s a slightly different dynamic for us

This reminds me of Greta Thunberg. She has her father’s surname and her younger sister has their mother’s surname. I don’t know if this is a common arrangement in Sweden, but I like the egalitarianism of it.

Give DC2 your surname and change DC1’s name by deed poll too while you’re at it. DP could change his, too! Babies are traditionally given their mother’s surname anyway.

@JustLyra I don’t think he would be keen to change DD’s name now as he has got used to her having his name since birth. But I can’t say for certain he would be totally opposed.

I guess that’s why I think it might be a compromise to name the next child with my surname and then she will have my name from the outset so he won’t feel like he is “losing” anything! And it feels like a fair way of doing things, if unconventional

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@JustLyra I don’t think he would be keen to change DD’s name now as he has got used to her having his name since birth. But I can’t say for certain he would be totally opposed.

I guess that’s why I think it might be a compromise to name the next child with my surname and then she will have my name from the outset so he won’t feel like he is “losing” anything! And it feels like a fair way of doing things, if unconventional[/quote]
Unless he agrees you won’t be able to.

In the nicest possible way - fair to who? Would it be fair on your and your DP or fair on your children?

@LittleMouseOnTheFairy possibly it is childish and all about me, but it also feels unfair that both of the kids who I have done the lion share of growing and feeding and nurturing and risking my health and ruining my body for, and have a stronger bond with than my DP, should have his name rather than mine. I don’t think negatives are necessarily guaranteed for the children, as a couple of posters can attest, but I do need to consider carefully to ensure the risk of negative outcomes for the children is kept to a minimum. I think positive outcomes are also possible for the kids as @ByStarlight mentioned. I also didn’t realise that about Greta Thunberg, @Cattenberg - very interesting!

We've done this! Noone has the slightest issue with it at school - kids themselves just accept it.
Why is it weird, or childish? Just because it's not done regularly in the UK doesn't make it strange: but patriarchy is pretty entrenched on Mumsnet.

Give the children the same surname. I understand your issues around changing your name or not, but that's your issue not theirs. Your eldest's surname is her own name now she has it, let the younger one share the siblings surname.
I find double-barrel names a bit baffling really. What if your daughter has a child, would that child then get three surnames (your daughter's two names and her future partners name (or two?)?)

People will just assume you've got kids with several different blokes, which is fine but probs not what you intended.

@RosiePosie1977

We've done this! Noone has the slightest issue with it at school - kids themselves just accept it. Why is it weird, or childish? Just because it's not done regularly in the UK doesn't make it strange: but patriarchy is pretty entrenched on Mumsnet.

People will assume they have different dads, maybe they won’t say it to you but they will think it, not saying there is anything wrong with that but I wouldn’t set out to have people assume that.