AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

And therefore would provide for the child since they shared a surname.

I'd give them both the same name if they have the same dad You can change yours by deedpoll without getting married so it's the same if it bothers you.

1. I agree that if you were unmarried when you had your first, she should really have had your name, but what's done is done;
2. I don't agree that you should be changing her name now (to double-barrelled or anything else). She's here own little person and it's her name and it's unfair of you to change it solely for your benefit;
3. If you and your partner want to be married for all the sensible reasons that exist to be married when you have children, for god's sake go and do the deed quietly at a registry office one afternoon. It should be about practicalities first, celebration later;
4. It doesn't matter whether your family want a big celebration or not. You're sensible grown-ups getting married for the benefit of your children. You don't even have to tell your family you've technically done the deed;
5. If you find the energy down the line, plan a big celebration then. Noone need know it's not the real legal thing;
6. I don't think it's fair to give your second child a different surname to your first. It risks putting them in a difficult situation in terms of what it implies about your feelings towards each of them, their relationship with each other or having to change your second child's name later (see point 2). You wouldn't be doing it in the best interests of your child, but purely for yourself;
7. If you don't want to get married for whatever woolly reasons, but want the same name as your children, change your name by deed poll as others have suggested. Why shouldn't you be the one to make the sacrifice rather than your children?

With the greatest of respect, there's a lot of centering of yourself in your posts - what's too difficult for you, what you can't be bothered to do, what you don't want to give up and what you regret - and not a lot about what might be best for your children. Give your head a bit of a wobble and reset your thinking would be my advice!

Best of luck with your new little one.

It sounds fine to me.

Why don't you discuss double-barreling all your names? Would your DP be up for that?

NOT just yours and the kids and he stays as his, mind you. Him too, changing properly, a deed poll for him CHANGING his name to your double barreled family name?

Or even a new surname?!

I think people make a good point about not changing your oldest’s name if it’s going to cause a pain with paperwork for them in the future.

I really think if marriage would make a difference then there’s no reason not to do a registry wedding then in a few years have the big celebration if you want it.

It is interesting the sprinkling of posts telling you to put your foot down to make demands on your partner to marry you when OP has said nothing about him holding it up. Only that they both feel the same way.

Yabu. People would assume your dp is not her real father. Have both siblings with the same name, whether that be the youngest has his surname or change your eldest to yours.

I knew a couple where the son got mums surname and the daughter got dads surname. They were really cool hippy academics.

I'd have given your older DD your surname, as well as the younger one.

Traditionally, in this country, children are given their mother's surname.

Yes, that might also match the father's surname if they're married, but you're still giving the child the mother's surname.

I have friends who have twin girls. One has the mother's surname, the other the father's. Other than stimulating some discussion when they were babies, it hasn't caused any issues at all. I think it's a good alternative to double barrelling names.

There's an absolute hang-up on this site about all members of a family having the same name. I can't understand it: all kids know who their parents are.

Our deal was exactly the same as the one described in the previous post. We are married: I use my own family name. The deal was that girls would take mine and boys his. Whichever way round that worked, the family name of the other parent would be one of the child's given names (we didn't want to double-barrel).

Only one of us is a hippy academic with very questionable 'cool' credentials, though

PS. OP, why don't you give the baby your name, then you marry, use that name then one of your children would have your partner's name and the other yours. Sounds like a fair and equal division to me.

So it’s more of a principle for now and so don’t mind a bit of extra admin later

The time for principles should have been when it came to naming your firstborn. Imo you shouldn’t have given your eldest your partners surname but you did so should do the same with any other children.

I have to admit to being a hippy academic too - didn't realize this was such a trend!

What about families where the mother keeps her name but the children have the father's? Do the kids worry that mummy doesn't love them enough because they don't have the same name? Of course not, so why should they worry about which parent loves them more based on surnames?

DH and I married before having children, but each kept our names. We decided on a random system for assigning surnames. We did not require that all children would end up the the same surname. We only ended having one child so didn’t actually end up with children with different surnames, but I really can’t imagine any real problems if we had.

@gobbledygoook and others who have warned me of a potential administrative nightmare for my kids for the rest of their lives if their name is changed - thank you - I was not aware and that does certainly sound like a deal breaker. So I need to make a careful decision on this in the 3.5 weeks I have remaining!!

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@NotVictorianHonestly I could see why I would be exposed financially if I was a SAHM financially dependent on DP having given up my career etc - but I am well set up financially with my own full time above average wage salary, property, car, savings, stocks and shares and pension. If we were to split I could leave tomorrow and put down a deposit on a rental until I could get back into my own property after giving my tenants notice, and could support myself and 2 children without question. The only thing I would be missing out on would be a share of my DP’s assets and my name on his will - which are nice to haves as he has more than me, but not essentials. Is there some other risk to not being married that I have not factored in?[/quote]
Bear in mind that even though you are well set up financially, if one of you died then the other would be the sole earner for you and the children going forward, but also solo parenting could impact your career. My DH had to completely change his career when his first wife died as she worked days and him nights - that wasn’t feasible as a single parent.

You’d miss out on the inheritance tax exemption between married couples, which would potentially benefit your children later.

If he’s got ISAs you can inherit his isa allowance (and vice versa obv)

Also bereavement support payments are only made to spouses. In your circumstance if one of you died while your children are of child benefit age you’d get £3500 lump sum plus £350 a month for 18 months.

It would also be a much simpler process at a very difficult time.

@averythinline we are well set up financially and administratively to provide for ourselves independently in the event of a split, and assuming we stay together, for each other and our children. We have mirror wills leaving all our assets to each other, and when both of us are gone to our kids and (hypothetical) children or our siblings if our kids die etc. He is named to receive my death in service benefit. I am named on his life insurance policy etc.

So I don’t think there is a financial risk to us not being married - but happy to be advised otherwise if I am wrong on that! (I am not a SAHM and not financially dependent on him at all - we just go on slightly fancier holidays thanks to him earning marginally more than me!)

We gave our children different surnames to search other. The oldest has mine and the youngest DJs. People definitely think it's weird but mostly keep their comments to themselves. The people who have raised eyebrows I just say we thought it was best and I'm not changing it now.
When we told the oldest the youngest name we just said one like mum and one like dad. My oldest was a lot older then your dc sounds though so I'd imagine you wouldn't need to specifically tell her.
They occasionally team up with their shared name parent when we're playing board games for a laugh. School will need a copy of their birth certificate for joining so they'd know but I'm not sure it's relevant to them.
So overall if I was you I'd give dc2 your name for balance.

I voted YANBU because you're not. But I still wouldn't do it. I'd worry one would think they were dad's favourite and one yours or something, kids get weird ideas. We are a blended family and have three different surnames amongst our kids. They don't mind because they're used to it, but it does throw up weird issues and would certainly be easier if we didn't!

Sorry if I've missed this but could you change your name by deed poll instead?

Full siblings should be the same imo.

I have a friend who changed her surname to match her partner and DC as they have no idea how long it will be before they get married.

If the DC have different names then people will assume that her father is not her biological father. Will this bother her? People will assume that her sister is a half or step sister. Again, not uncommon these days, but will it bother her?

If it's the older child with mum's name and the younger with dad's, people will assume that the elder was from a previous relationship, before you and DP got together and you are now a happy family.

However, if it's the other way around, some will wonder/assume that you and your DP have been together all the time since before the birth of the elder, but you had an affair - or were on a 'break' and saw somebody else during it - who fathered your younger child, before you and your DP decided to make up and make a go of it together again.

I think a simple register office wedding - with a big celebration party at some time in the future, if you wish - sounds like the ideal solution in your circumstances. Alternatively, double-barrel for you and the children - as well as DP if he wants to share the same name as the rest of the family.

I am married and kept my name but my children have my husband’s surname. I was so tempted to give my second my surname and totally regret not doing it! You don’t all need the same name to be a family and have that sense of belonging.