AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

@JustLyra I believe you are right that I can’t change daughter 1’s surname without DP’s permission now - but I believe my wishes about naming DP2 from the outset can trump his (I obviously wouldn’t do this, but as far as I am aware I don’t even need to name him as the father, do I?!). My understanding is that the mother’s name and wishes take priority over the father’s, at least initially? In hospital the baby bracelet says “Baby [mother’s surname]”

@Twopandemicpregnancies

You make a good point *@JustLyra* about our first child perhaps having learnt to write her name etc before we do get married and the implications of changing her name at that late stage. What age do kids learn to write their name? Around 4 perhaps?

Some will be writing their name towards the end of preschool, the rest learn in reception, so yes, around 4yo. However, for both my DCs, their full names were already a firm part of their understanding of themselves long before they were writing their names. DD2 is 5yo now, but I can't imagine trying to convince her that part of her name has changed. She would be adamant I was wrong and it is indeed < old name >, and would become quite angry and frustrated if I carried on suggesting otherwise.

@RosiePosie1977 thanks and glad to hear you have done this without issues! It does make logical sense to me and I don’t really care what others think, as long as the kids aren’t negatively affected by it - and it sounds like yours are doing just fine!

Don't give them different names. Double-barrel if you like but not different. My sister and I have different surnames now we've married, but in our hearts we're both still Bridges and we still call ourselves the Bridges family. It's those things that keep you feeling connected.

@RedCandyApple
Yes, they probably do think the kids have different fathers.
I guess it depends what you think matters most: what other people think about your family, or what feels right in your own context. I definitely felt the same as you @Twopandemicpregnancies - uneasy that they were both going to be called after their dad, and it got me questioning why that is conventional. My name is a very important part of our family heritage, and I wanted to see it going on into the next generation. Don't be put off by all the judgement on here - go for it, and even if you do get married, why not a family of two names?

OP, I get it that you have done the lions share of the caring, feeding, carrying and birthing of your girls, but this time is such a short time in the scale of all your lives. It could all change and the girls both get super close to your partner and you take more of a back seat. You just don't know what the future holds.

But one thing is certain, you aren't going to be growing them or birthing them again. And bf only lasts a couple of years. So to base your decision to give your 2nd girl your surname on all the work you are doing is a bit silly. This time will pass

I think the OP's issue is that she can't work out whether she wants a wedding or a marriage and which of those is and isn't the most important thing at this juncture. I'd've thought being married, and having that security (cf a million threads on here for mothers to protect themselves financially via marriage, to understand their rights, and have that security to offset the dent to their finances and careers that being the main carer of children often brings) was more important than looking your best for, and having, a fancy wedding?

I'm all for children having their mother's surnames or double-barrelled, and not just automatically defaulting to giving them their father's name (married to him or not), but I think that two full siblings, especially of the same sex, having different surnames might be detrimental to those children. Perhaps the best thing in this specific situation is to double-barrel the second child's name, and either change the first child's legal surname (if you can) or let the school etc. know that the first child will henceforth be "known as" firstname double-barrel surname. You can always have both children "known as" single-surname if you later marry your partner and take his surname as opposed to double-barrelling and then when they get to 18 they can make their own decision anyway eg if they don't like being double-barrelled.

Double barrel both your kids names. I did exactly what you're describing. No one else cares, not that it matters! I eventually got married but I decided to keep my surname.

Do what you feel you would like to do. I know some married couples who have done this and also it’s becoming more common in places like China. I think do what you want to do, as you never know, it could eventually catch up in wider society here. A few of my friends have discussed keeping their own surnames when they are married and to do as you have mentioned, they also like the idea of keeping both family names going.

If it was me I'd have both children with your name. You do all the work and in the event that people split up the mother generally remains the primary carer so far more practical.

Failing that double barrel all 4.

Pop down the registry office, make it legal and take the protections that being married has for you as well.

When you 'have time' organise a wedding celebration. Over here it is very very common for people to do the legal Govn office wedding months ahead of the big ceremony, everyone knows the 'Church' or 'Restaurant' event is a celebration and not the actual wedding itself.

I wouldn't have liked having different surnames from one of my parents or siblings, when I was a child. To be fair, that was 40-ish years ago, but it's still the norm where I live for children to have the same surnames if they have the same two parents. Obviously there are different opinions, and at the end of the day it's not that important.

@Twopandemicpregnancies

I haven't rtft to see what everyone else thinks as I imagine some might be quite scathing, but my youngest has my surname (the other two have it as middle names). I had a tough third pregnancy and started getting in touch with my feminist side a bit more during this time. I asked DH what he thought and he didn't bat an eye, thought it was a lovely thing to do. Fwiw we are married and I didn't take his surname either. So if we'd given all of them his surname, I'd be the odd one out! Which is weird, seeing as I birthed them...

If anyone raises their eyebrows at our decision...well, it doesn't bother me what other people think. Give them something to think about!

Hasn't caused any logistical issues or otherwise thus far!

OP, Based on your comments, I think that you have a pretty traditional view of names and marriage. You intend to change your own name once married, and did not suggest that everyone just take your name. You want everyone to have his name.

I think all the pearl-clutching about different names is odd. The school won't blink. No one will care beyond an initial, Is that so? Huh. It's your family and you are more than welcome to parcel out names as you wish.

I find the view that everyone needs the same name, and that name should be the man's, rather depressing. But... I do think it's your view, really.

You also don't seem to know a lot about what your dp's views on all this are.

No advice, because there's no wrong choice. It is literally just a name. It will not change your relationship to one another.

I think you have to consider the name as something that belongs to the child first and foremost. Once you give them a name it is THEIR OWN name, not their mother's name, or their father's name. If the DC have different names then people will assume that her father is not her biological father. Will this bother her? People will assume that her sister is a half or step sister. Again, not uncommon these days, but will it bother her?

I wouldn't change my child's name and identity because I had decided to get married. It's HER name - she shouldn't be asked to change it to mark a change in your status.

It does sound like it's about something other than the name - about who has given most to the child, has sacrificed most. It seems like giving her your name now with the intention of changing it on marriage would be a statement from you to your DP about his contribution to family life, rather than something you had done with the interests of the child as the priority.

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@JustLyra I believe you are right that I can’t change daughter 1’s surname without DP’s permission now - but I believe my wishes about naming DP2 from the outset can trump his (I obviously wouldn’t do this, but as far as I am aware I don’t even need to name him as the father, do I?!). My understanding is that the mother’s name and wishes take priority over the father’s, at least initially? In hospital the baby bracelet says “Baby [mother’s surname]”[/quote]
The baby name bracelet says “baby Mums name” for security reasons - nothing to do with legalities. It’s simply to make it easier to know which baby belongs to which mum for medical notes and security.

You could go and register the baby without him, and leave him off the birth certificate, but that’s an incredibly drastic step to take in an otherwise healthy relationship. Are there other issues going on?

He would have to go through the legal processes but it’s very easy to have yourself put on the birth certificate and gain PR. He could also have his surname added as well as yours to double barrel the name. Leaving a father off the birth certificate isn’t the “he then has nothing to do with the child” curer it’s sometimes touted as on here.

Also the whole “mum is more important” “dad is less important” thing ignores the most important bit. What’s best for the children involved.

Call them the same name. A name is about identity and belonging (as you are finding out). The children belong to each other as much as to you. Double barrel if need be.

I was raised in a family where my mum kept her last name after marriage (twice) and I also have a half sibling (plus a full sibling), so there were three last names in our five-person household. It genuinely never bothered any of us at all, never caused anything other than a moment's explanation when it came to school, friends, etc and even that was rare. Was basically just the biggest non-issue.

My husband and I agreed before our first child that the baby would have his last name if a boy and mine if a girl, and we would alternate from there, so that half our kids would have my name and half his. My last name is pretty rare and it's important to me to pass it on. He took some convincing, as it was definitely my idea and he found it weird and a bit like it would divide the family, but we're both happy with it one child in.

I say go for it! Really don't think it will be an issue, and I think it's by far the fairest way of doing things.

I’m unsure about your views on a wedding. You mentioned waiting on your children to be older to participate and understand the significance of the ceremony but you also say in other posts you both don’t care about a wedding and see it as a hassle.

On the issue of surnames. Personally I wouldn’t have like to have different names to my sibling. I wouldn’t like the connection to one parent over the other. At school I’m sure people would have made comments and not believed me when we said we weren’t half siblings - I get that shouldn’t matter and wouldn’t as an adult but as a child I’d have been annoyed by it. It’s good though that it didn’t cause issues for some posters here.

Also, to everyone suggesting that others will assume your children have different fathers, how often does this actually come up? How often do you introduce your children to people using their full names?

Personally, with the vast majority of people I meet, I introduce myself by my first name only. Presumably when you introduce your new baby to friends, it will be by her first name. When she meets other children at school, she will use her first name.

So aside from your own families, it will mostly be people like teachers (if they happen to have the same one), doctors, Scout leaders, etc. that know both children and know their full names. Do you really think these people will make such assumptions about your family, and does it bother you if so? Again, this was just such a non-issue for me and my family.

Besides which, opportunities for this kind of misplaced assumption will decline dramatically once they are out of the house, at which point people might equally assume that one of them is married.

Yabu

DS has his father's surname. DD has my surname. Boy gets dad's name, girl gets mum's name. Same dad. School mostly doesn't realise they're siblings. People probably assume they have different fathers. I don't much care that they might think this.

It sounds as if you want your child to have your name and that's a good enough reason. It really is. In the modern world, many families have members with different surnames. It's no big deal. You have the baby, you pick the name.

@Twopandemicpregnancies and @JustLyra Probably a bit of an aside here but having had a baby recently, the baby’s bracelet read “Baby Girl of Sarah Jones” (obv not my real name) as opposed to “Baby Jones” or “Baby Girl Jones”. I think that’s the more usual wording now. And as you say it’s for hospital security rather than a legal or moral thing. So saying “Baby Girl of Sarah Jones” is simply factual.
My two DDs have two different surnames but they are 8 years apart and have two different Dads.

Give her your name and change your first kids name. Give him a time limit. If he isn't prepared to marry you the change your oldest surname.

Why didn't you bother to read the original post. Nowhere did the OP say the reason they weren't married was down to her DP alone, in fact she said "certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable." Honestly, this sort of rubbish, blaming a man for everything, makes me sick.