AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

@TheNamesTheThing

Also, to everyone suggesting that others will assume your children have different fathers, how often does this actually come up? How often do you introduce your children to people using their full names?

Personally, with the vast majority of people I meet, I introduce myself by my first name only. Presumably when you introduce your new baby to friends, it will be by her first name. When she meets other children at school, she will use her first name.

So aside from your own families, it will mostly be people like teachers (if they happen to have the same one), doctors, Scout leaders, etc. that know both children and know their full names. Do you really think these people will make such assumptions about your family, and does it bother you if so? Again, this was just such a non-issue for me and my family.

Besides which, opportunities for this kind of misplaced assumption will decline dramatically once they are out of the house, at which point people might equally assume that one of them is married.

In my experience full names are used several times a day at school - written on your jotters, your name tags, calling the register, calling children to be picked up at home time... So I was imagining peers at school asking questions/making assumptions. It's not uncommon to have blended families, so the teachers wouldn't think anything of it, and it might not bother OP that they made this assumption. But is it possible that it would bother the child? This is what I would be focussing my attention on, rather than what is "fair" to the parents.

It won’t raise any eyebrows at school at all. It’s very common

Utter tosh. Full siblings, with the same parents having different surnames is not ^very^ common at all.

In fact, I've never heard of it ever before.

Sorry if someone has mentioned This before but if you’re travelling overseas without DP the border guys do query diff surnames in kids. And you’ll prob need a letter from
DP giving you permission to travel with the kid without your name. I know this. Because it happened to us a few times going I to USA, Germany and Abu Dhabi. Culminating in a hour and half stressful wait approx each time.

Unless you are the significantly higher earner you're horribly exposed by not being married, so I vote you do a quick on paper marriage and then have a big wedding later when you have the energy. Then you can all have the same name which would be less confusing for siblings.

Or register as civil partners (which is permitted for heterosexual couples now) and convert to a marriage with a big wedding later.

Although actually I'm not sure whether opposite sex partners can convert to marriage.

have this incredible bond with her that my DP just doesn’t,

OP you've said this quite a number of times across the thread.

What's this about? It's a strange thing to say. Of course you love your DD & the mum tends to have done a lot of the physical work in the early years (pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, being on maternity leave) but this point seems to matter a lot to you, and is influencing your view on names.

Surely DP has his own, unique bond with your DD?

Agree having two kids with the same parents and different surnames is a bit weird.

Also agree that a simple register office wedding is the way to go, it doesn't have to be a massive party.

But you can retain your surname if you wish, in the style of Victoria Coren Mitchell or Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]**@LittleMouseOnTheFairy* possibly it is childish and all about me, but it also feels unfair that both of the kids who I have done the lion share of growing and feeding and nurturing and risking my health and ruining my body for, and have a stronger bond with than my DP, should have his name rather than mine. I don’t think negatives are necessarily guaranteed for the children, as a couple of posters can attest, but I do need to consider carefully to ensure the risk of negative outcomes for the children is kept to a minimum. I think positive outcomes are also possible for the kids as @ByStarlight mentioned. I also didn’t realise that about Greta Thunberg, @Cattenberg* - very interesting![/quote]
I'm in the same position as you OP and totally get how you feel, including the bit about feeling resentful because you do the bulk of the child rearing.

My DD has my DPs surname, with the intention that I will change mine to his when we marry. It grates on me too, I'm against the idea of everyone being expected to take the man's name by default, and I hate that it doesn't feel like there is a fair solution to that in this country that still allows everyone to have the same name.

But... now that time has passed, that is just DDs name. It feels selfish to overcomplicate things for my own reasons if we have another, or backtrack on changing mine when we marry, because on a family level rather than a societal one, all that really matters is that we all have a name and it's the same one. It's too late to change DDs name underneath her, so the past of least resistance is just to let go of the issue.

That said, if it's deeply important to you to the point you feel it means more to you than having the same name would matter to the kids, I don't think it would be too selfish to find an unorthodox solution. You've just got to mull that over.

My children have different surnames. I am married but use my maiden name. DD1 has my name and DD2 has my husband’s. This has never been an issue for them.

Haven't managed to read the full thread - but I had my name changed when I was very young (under 5!) as my mum remarried.

It is a nightmare now on any form I need to fill in for official purposes! I have to remember when the name was changed, always note down that I've had more than one surname, I've have to provide proof (certificates signed by the court) of it too. It made applying to university / finance / mortgage / DBS checks / security clearance / passports / bank accounts etc just more of a faff.

Unless there's a real need to, I'd save them this hassle!

I think your DC will wonder why different names and may worry that one of you prefers one over the other.
I think there’s more going on here than you’re admitting. You’re going on about different names and wanting a big wedding where all your family is invited. But you keep putting off getting married for all sorts of woolly reasons.
Being married isn’t about a big party and day out. It’s a legality which arranges for both spouses and their children to have rights to the family’s joint assets, including if one spouse dies or leaves. Currently your family does not have that in place. Is that important to you?

I'd go double barrelled, assuming the names work together. I wouldn't attempt to change my eldest's name to just my surname. Double barrelled reflects both parents and you can all change your name to it as a family if you wish.

A child having learnt to write their name already isn't going to be a problem. They can learn to write a new one and they rarely write their full name anyway.

@Cattenberg

This reminds me of Greta Thunberg. She has her father’s surname and her younger sister has their mother’s surname. I don’t know if this is a common arrangement in Sweden, but I like the egalitarianism of it.

Greta has her mother's surname as her last middle name.

Agree that surname changes are a pain on future paperwork so wouldn't recommend that you plan on changing surnames of your children.

I think its a bit weird for each sibling to have a different surname. It's feels like you are making a real point that this child is yours, not his.

If both had your surname it wouldn't be odd at all, but changing the older dc surname would seem pointed and a bit spiteful. You've set a precedence unfortunately.

As an outsider I would have assumed its because you were planning on leaving, or because there was a big rift. I would also take it a bit personally if I were dp and my partner said they were changing my daughters name because they were closer to them

@EarringsandLipstick I don’t know if this is normal or not but DD will always choose me over DP, both when she is ill or hurts herself but also when she wants to sit on a lap / read a book / have a hug she will go straight to me. She protests if I try to pass her to him. She will never spontaneously go to him for a hug but she does this numerous times a day with me. It’s lovely (but at points stifling) for me but hurtful for him when he really tries.

If I am out of the way she is totally happy with him and he will play with her at home, take her out to a park or to his mum’s for a day and she is fine. It’s not like he has been absent either - she was born in lockdown and he is self employed and couldn’t work so he was at home most of the time so she is used to spending time with her. He still works from home, he does nursery pick up (I do nursery drop off) and he does her bed and bath almost every night. But he is busy doing DIY most of the weekend (we are now on year 4 of a house renovation!) so I do still spend more time with her than him.

Am sure this will change with time and maybe she will be a Daddy’s girl as a teenager but for now she is most definitely team Mummy. I wonder if it comes down to being more familiar with my heartbeat from being in the womb so it’s more comforting to hug me than him? I also did some co-sleeping with her on bad nights when no one was going to get any sleep if I didn’t, which he never did. There is definitely something that means she sees me as her primary cater, despite his best efforts

@Twopandemicpregnancies

That sounds very normal. It's not a sign that you've an incredible bond and DP doesn't. I think you're massively over-stating this, quite unfairly to DP, and you've joined it to the surname issue for some reason

As you point out, this will change in the future. It will, absolutely, as your children grow, develop their personalities & interests.

I would completely put this aside in terms of the surname issue.

On that issue, just make the decision that suits you & DP best. I think having different surnames is a bit unusual, but several PPs have said they've done it. If it works for you all, why not? All that matters is that as a family you are happy with it.

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@EarringsandLipstick I don’t know if this is normal or not but DD will always choose me over DP, both when she is ill or hurts herself but also when she wants to sit on a lap / read a book / have a hug she will go straight to me. She protests if I try to pass her to him. She will never spontaneously go to him for a hug but she does this numerous times a day with me. It’s lovely (but at points stifling) for me but hurtful for him when he really tries.

If I am out of the way she is totally happy with him and he will play with her at home, take her out to a park or to his mum’s for a day and she is fine. It’s not like he has been absent either - she was born in lockdown and he is self employed and couldn’t work so he was at home most of the time so she is used to spending time with her. He still works from home, he does nursery pick up (I do nursery drop off) and he does her bed and bath almost every night. But he is busy doing DIY most of the weekend (we are now on year 4 of a house renovation!) so I do still spend more time with her than him.

Am sure this will change with time and maybe she will be a Daddy’s girl as a teenager but for now she is most definitely team Mummy. I wonder if it comes down to being more familiar with my heartbeat from being in the womb so it’s more comforting to hug me than him? I also did some co-sleeping with her on bad nights when no one was going to get any sleep if I didn’t, which he never did. There is definitely something that means she sees me as her primary cater, despite his best efforts[/quote]
Most small children have a preference for the primary carer they see most of - which is usually the mother.
This changes - or should do - as they grow older. They should develop a loving relationship with other adults who love them. The mother shouldn’t imagine that she’s the only person they will ever bond with. Or that there’s a special little bond that doesn’t exist with her other child - is that how you are feeling? Are you sad about something, so pushing other people away and creating a little cocoon with just you and your younger child?

don’t know if this is normal or not but DD will always choose me over DP, both when she is ill or hurts herself but also when she wants to sit on a lap / read a book / have a hug she will go straight to me. She protests if I try to pass her to him. She will never spontaneously go to him for a hug but she does this numerous times a day with me. It’s lovely (but at points stifling) for me but hurtful for him when he really tries.

This is totally normal. In families where mum goes back to work and dad stays home it's the opposite. Young children gravitate towards the primary carer. The way to change that is to let him do more of the caring - nappy changes, feeding, putting to bed, getting up. If she protests, just calmly say that daddy's going to change her nappy this time. He can then jolly her along a bit to make it more fun. She will get used to it quickly. When the new baby comes you won't be able to be there for your toddler as much because breastfeeding is so time consuming. So you'd be best off trying to even things out a bit now - otherwise you will make it much harder on your older child. Ideally she should be used to, and happy with, daddy doing half of her care well in advance of the baby coming.

You do sound a bit resentful here.. Rather than change the name I think you should think about changing the balance of work and relationships. You need to do the breastfeeding. All the other stuff, dad can do equally well.

@EarringsandLipstick I just have one child at this point, who is very close to me. Our second child is due next month.

I think probably a combination of lockdown and not having family nearby means that the bond is extra tight between me and DD at this point. Aside from nursery (which she settled into easily and loves) she doesn’t get left with anyone except me and DP. She has never had a babysitter etc. I feel sick at the thought of leaving her with my parents when we go in for my c section as I can’t bear to see her upset when I try to leave. And the c section recovery is going to be heart wrenching as I won’t be able to lift her up etc.

I would love for her to be closer to DP as I get very little time to myself so I am not consciously pushing him away and cocooning her, I think my mothering instincts just kick in when she comes running over for a hug so we are where we are now, with her always choosing to snuggle up to me rather than him

If you are worried about judgement it depends where you live. We live in London and no one really cares or gets in each others business, but i can see in a village where everyone is nosey it could be an issue.
But honestly if you don't want to lose your surname don't do it. We Got married and didn't change either of our names, fortunately my wife's country doesn't allow name changes under any circumstances so short of giving up her citizenship that made the decision easy.
We do get all sorts on Christmas cards (Mr and Mrs initial mysurname) but we are not generally triggered by that
We also didn't like the idea of double barrelled so we just put my surname as his middle name, so it's there on passports and whatever else but he's not lumbered by some horrific explanation every time he needs to give his name. It was arbitrary in a way the order, but at the time we named him my wife had been ill for 8 months followed by a month of breast feeding so it didn't seem reasonable for us to put me as the headline!
So in summary, consider either adding yours as a middle name to both, or give both your names in different order. And for heaven's sake don't give up your own name if you don't want to.

@NotVictorianHonestly I could see why I would be exposed financially if I was a SAHM financially dependent on DP having given up my career etc - but I am well set up financially with my own full time above average wage salary, property, car, savings, stocks and shares and pension. If we were to split I could leave tomorrow and put down a deposit on a rental until I could get back into my own property after giving my tenants notice, and could support myself and 2 children without question. The only thing I would be missing out on would be a share of my DP’s assets and my name on his will - which are nice to haves as he has more than me, but not essentials. Is there some other risk to not being married that I have not factored in?

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@EarringsandLipstick I just have one child at this point, who is very close to me. Our second child is due next month.

I think probably a combination of lockdown and not having family nearby means that the bond is extra tight between me and DD at this point. Aside from nursery (which she settled into easily and loves) she doesn’t get left with anyone except me and DP. She has never had a babysitter etc. I feel sick at the thought of leaving her with my parents when we go in for my c section as I can’t bear to see her upset when I try to leave. And the c section recovery is going to be heart wrenching as I won’t be able to lift her up etc.

I would love for her to be closer to DP as I get very little time to myself so I am not consciously pushing him away and cocooning her, I think my mothering instincts just kick in when she comes running over for a hug so we are where we are now, with her always choosing to snuggle up to me rather than him[/quote]
Ah sorry I misunderstood.
When I was pregnant with DC2 I worried I wouldn’t love them as much as DC1. I didn’t think it would be possible. A friend said it’s true you use up all your box full of love on your first DC. BUT not to worry as the second DC arrives with a whole new box just for them! And it was true - eventually - didn’t happen quite as quickly as with DC1 as I was so tired but when it happened it definitely happened! And if anything, while both of our DCs are equally loved by both of us, there is a certain comradeship between DP and DC1 that sprung from them being allies when I was busy with DC2.
Best of luck with the new baby💐

You are setting up your children for problems, legal and emotional, if you do this, and it’s quite unnecessary.

Children at school will ask why they have different names. Be prepared for a distressed child to tell you that ‘X’s mummy says my daddy isn’t my daddy’. If you split (which sounds like a possibility?) then be prepared for them to ask you if one of them belongs to you and one to daddy because of their names.

Travelling abroad alone with them both would be a minefield.

If you change a child’s name early in their life they will have to provide legal proof of the name change in almost all official paperwork for the rest of his or her life, which is a silly burden to place on a child for no good reason.

If you have always intended to get married, as I said, do it. Your excuses are just that, and not really a barrier. At the moment you are thinking of your lives as very separate and it makes me think that you are not really committed to the long term here, despite choosing to make children together. The commitment you’ve made in having them ties you together more permanently than a marriage certificate, yet having the latter could make many things very much easier, particularly for your children, and surely they should be your primary concern?

If you want to ringfence your assets then there are legal ways to do this, including placing assets in trust for your children, which would mean that if you split you husband would not have access to them.

I would have a big think about what is really holding you back from giving your children the simplicity and security of having the same name as each other. I get the feeling from your updates that there is a lot more behind all this than you first set out.

A child having learnt to write their name already isn't going to be a problem. They can learn to write a new one and they rarely write their full name anyway.

Is that meant to be sarcasm?

Anyway why not give the younger child (or both children) your surname as their last middle name? That way your name is preserved but they don't have different names.

I also think if you want to get married, just do it on the quiet. You can have the big celebration later. Your family will understand if you explain to them - surely their first priority is your happiness and security, not whether they attend a wedding.