AIBU to give my child my surname when her big sister has my DP’s surname?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

I am with my DP but not married. We said we would get married at some point but wanted to have kids first as the biological clock was ticking. Neither of us really like the idea of a big wedding with all that attention and certainly neither of us can be bothered to organise a wedding for the foreseeable.

In anticipation of getting married soonish we gave our firstborn DP’s surname with the expectation that I would change my surname to his when we tied the knot. But a part of me now feels sad that she has his name and not mine.

Would it be weird to give her little sister, due next month, my surname? AIBU? Then half the family has his name and half has my name (we are stopping at 2 kids). Are there any obvious downsides to this approach or is it just fair?

How easy would it be to change names later so we all have the same surname if we do get married and want to do so?

YABU - don’t give siblings from the same parents different surnames, it’s weird and confusing
YANBU - having one child take each surname is acceptable / fair / modern for a family where the parents aren’t married and aren’t in a huge rush to get married

I think the siblings connection to each other is very important, so I would aim for them to have the same surname (be it mum's, dad's or a totally new name). They will know each other for far more of their life than they will know their parents.

I think probably a combination of lockdown and not having family nearby means that the bond is extra tight between me and DD at this point. Aside from nursery (which she settled into easily and loves) she doesn’t get left with anyone except me and DP. She has never had a babysitter etc. I feel sick at the thought of leaving her with my parents when we go in for my c section as I can’t bear to see her upset when I try to leave. And the c section recovery is going to be heart wrenching as I won’t be able to lift her up etc.

I feel like pregnancy hormones are probably contributing to your feelings on this and it's getting conflated with her name, which is really neither here not there. It is upsetting to leave a toddler to go into hospital. I felt just the same. Be prepared for some weird feelings when you return home with a tiny baby and your older child isn't number one any more.
Seriously I would spend the next month putting in some ground work. Lockdown finished last June so it's a bit odd to be still using that as a reason. You don't want your toddler to be so reliant on you - it will make things more difficult. She can bond with other loving family members - it's purely about who does the caring. That's why when children are adopted into a new family, it's advised that the new mum and dad do 100% of the nappy changes, feeding, bathing etc, because it helps create that bond.

@Twopandemicpregnancies

I know you only have one DC at present, I read your posts. I was talking about relationships in time.

I can absolutely understand why you feel so close to DD due to pandemic restrictions. But you need to work a little on those fears of leaving DD even with your parents, and equally your view of having an incredible bond that DP doesn't have. You both have a DD that you love.

I have three sisters and we all have different surnames.

YANBU.

I think this is a lovely idea. Not sure I understand the shock about "but people will think they have different fathers! Not that there's anything wrong with that of course..." the fact that posters are mentioning it as a negative shows they do think there's something wrong with it! Why does everybody in a family need to have the same name anyway? It's not necessary, just an old tradition.

I have two siblings who have a different surname to me. We do have a different fathers but we consider ourselves full family and would never make the distinction between half siblings and full. Family is about love, not branding.

If you don't fancy the fuss of a wedding (I'm allergic, perhaps), I can't recommend a quick registry office one highly enough. Two friends as witnesses, a drink or a lunch afterwards.

I would give the girls the same surname as it's a bit odd not to. You don't want them brooding over it when they're angsty teens.

You didnt need to give your older DC your DP name. Why would you be changing your name in marriage? Always irritates me that woman still think its a given they give there DC the mans surname. Anyway I wont digress.

I would be giving my second DC my surname. I do have DC with different surnames and it isnt an issue.

@FlowerFlour

I think this is a lovely idea. Not sure I understand the shock about "but people will think they have different fathers! Not that there's anything wrong with that of course..." the fact that posters are mentioning it as a negative shows they do think there's something wrong with it! Why does everybody in a family need to have the same name anyway? It's not necessary, just an old tradition.

I have two siblings who have a different surname to me. We do have a different fathers but we consider ourselves full family and would never make the distinction between half siblings and full. Family is about love, not branding.

I have no problem with it at all. But children can be horrible little buggers and I would want the OP to have thought about whether or not this would be worth the possible distress that it could cause her children before choosing it.

@FlowerFlour

I think this is a lovely idea. Not sure I understand the shock about "but people will think they have different fathers! Not that there's anything wrong with that of course..." the fact that posters are mentioning it as a negative shows they do think there's something wrong with it! Why does everybody in a family need to have the same name anyway? It's not necessary, just an old tradition.

I have two siblings who have a different surname to me. We do have a different fathers but we consider ourselves full family and would never make the distinction between half siblings and full. Family is about love, not branding.

I don't have a problem with it from my perspective, I just think it can affect how the kids think and feel.

It's funny you mention the half siblings angle because that is part of it for me. My DD has a half sibling who has DPs name. DSS has a tendency, which he has influenced DD to follow, of viewing the situation as he is DPs, and DD is mine, when of course in reality DD is as much DPs as she is mine, and I don't want to encourage this mindset to be more ingrained. As her mum I am mindful about how my DD might grow up to feel about having a half brother (and indeed his mum, my DPs ex wife) seemingly more linked, by the simplistic definition kids adopt, to her dad than she is, so the whole thing seems better avoided.

YANBU for giving your child your surname rather than their dad's, but YABU for making them have different surnames. What's the point?

Maybe it's time to put your foot down about getting married. No need for a big ceremony.

I have just done this. My eldest DD is in my partner's name and youngest in mine.

No regrets.

[quote Twopandemicpregnancies]@EarringsandLipstick I don’t know if this is normal or not but DD will always choose me over DP, both when she is ill or hurts herself but also when she wants to sit on a lap / read a book / have a hug she will go straight to me. She protests if I try to pass her to him. She will never spontaneously go to him for a hug but she does this numerous times a day with me. It’s lovely (but at points stifling) for me but hurtful for him when he really tries.

If I am out of the way she is totally happy with him and he will play with her at home, take her out to a park or to his mum’s for a day and she is fine. It’s not like he has been absent either - she was born in lockdown and he is self employed and couldn’t work so he was at home most of the time so she is used to spending time with her. He still works from home, he does nursery pick up (I do nursery drop off) and he does her bed and bath almost every night. But he is busy doing DIY most of the weekend (we are now on year 4 of a house renovation!) so I do still spend more time with her than him.

Am sure this will change with time and maybe she will be a Daddy’s girl as a teenager but for now she is most definitely team Mummy. I wonder if it comes down to being more familiar with my heartbeat from being in the womb so it’s more comforting to hug me than him? I also did some co-sleeping with her on bad nights when no one was going to get any sleep if I didn’t, which he never did. There is definitely something that means she sees me as her primary cater, despite his best efforts[/quote]
That is incredibly normal.

There will be stages where only Daddy will do. Even times when a teacher or childminder is the favourite.

That’s a very normal bond you have. It’s a lovely bond, but it’s very normal.

I think you need to be a little careful with things like that because you are definitely reading a lot into something that is totally normal.

Change older child’s name to your surname, Give new baby your surname. If you get married keep your surname. Problem solved.

@Bonnieonthelam

Sorry if someone has mentioned This before but if you’re travelling overseas without DP the border guys do query diff surnames in kids. And you’ll prob need a letter from DP giving you permission to travel with the kid without your name. I know this. Because it happened to us a few times going I to USA, Germany and Abu Dhabi. Culminating in a hour and half stressful wait approx each time.

They do that when you have the same name and you are travelling alone.

Anyone travelling without the other parent should have clear permission. It’s no remotely exclusive to children with different surnames despite how often it comes up on threads like this

You are not next of kin if you are not married....if you have wills etc and lots of consequences thought through then thats OK but if either of you die intestate its a nightmare.

There were tax benefits as well but am not sure they are still around.

Marriage is a financial/legal contract more than anything else so if your both sure everything is covered off if you split/die then doesn't matter so much..if not just have a simple wedding at the registry office don't need anymore than yourselves and equally you could just not tell anyone... my colleague did that never told until some awkward family members had died...years later...

I think you need to be a little careful with things like that because you are definitely reading a lot into something that is totally normal.

I think OP does seem a bit overly anxious about leaving her DD when it comes to the second child being born, but I also think the whole point about her being closer to OP and that influencing how OP feels about her having her DPs name is being misconstrued a bit by commenters.

In my case, it's not that I think my DD preferring me is especially unusual or means she needs to have my surname more so than other kids might need their mother's, it's just part of why it feels off that the tradition is for the child to have the father's. Because generally speaking, mums do more of the work.

@aSofaNearYou

I think you need to be a little careful with things like that because you are definitely reading a lot into something that is totally normal.

I think OP does seem a bit overly anxious about leaving her DD when it comes to the second child being born, but I also think the whole point about her being closer to OP and that influencing how OP feels about her having her DPs name is being misconstrued a bit by commenters.

In my case, it's not that I think my DD preferring me is especially unusual or means she needs to have my surname more so than other kids might need their mother's, it's just part of why it feels off that the tradition is for the child to have the father's. Because generally speaking, mums do more of the work.

My point is about her repeated comments about the incredible bond she has that her DP doesn’t.

She has a normal bond with her child, which seems to be over emphasising her feeling that her DP doesn’t and that’s could be very damaging as it sounds like they both have a very normal bond with their child.

The OP could be in for a very tough time if next week or next month the child goes through a Daddy phase if she doesn’t accept that this is entirely normal.

Double barrel everyone’s name?

*My point is about her repeated comments about the incredible bond she has that her DP doesn’t.

She has a normal bond with her child, which seems to be over emphasising her feeling that her DP doesn’t and that’s could be very damaging as it sounds like they both have a very normal bond with their child.

The OP could be in for a very tough time if next week or next month the child goes through a Daddy phase if she doesn’t accept that this is entirely normal.*

I don't think she has overemphasised that, though, or claimed it's abnormal. She mentioned DD being closer to her casually, in a similar way to how I just did. But posters picked up on it and asked her to elaborate.

@aSofaNearYou

*My point is about her repeated comments about the incredible bond she has that her DP doesn’t.

She has a normal bond with her child, which seems to be over emphasising her feeling that her DP doesn’t and that’s could be very damaging as it sounds like they both have a very normal bond with their child.

The OP could be in for a very tough time if next week or next month the child goes through a Daddy phase if she doesn’t accept that this is entirely normal.*

I don't think she has overemphasised that, though, or claimed it's abnormal. She mentioned DD being closer to her casually, in a similar way to how I just did. But posters picked up on it and asked her to elaborate.

You’re entitled to your opinion as I am mine.

I think it’s quite clear she feels she has an unusually strong bond with her child and that her DP doesn’t.
That can be very damaging, particularly between her and her DP if she’s not careful.

@soupdragon, yes I should have double-checked that. It looks as though both surnames are on the sisters’ birth certificates. However, this is how the family refer to themselves:

www.penguin.co.uk/authors/145659/beata-ernman.html

And also one of the risks of the OP wanting her second child to have her name because of the bond she has with her elder child is the questions and confusions that could cause with each child in terms of the eldest wondering why she doesn’t have the name and the younger (if it’s mentioned as part of the explanation) wondering if she has the same bond

You’re entitled to your opinion as I am mine.

Of course you are, never said otherwise!

I think it’s quite clear she feels she has an unusually strong bond with her child and that her DP doesn’t.
That can be very damaging, particularly between her and her DP if she’s not careful.

I really don't think it is clear at all though. She mentioned in passing, several pages in, that doing the majority of the child rearing of her DD since she's been born has made her feel more strongly about the issue of which name the child takes. I think that's quite a common experience. I've certainly had the same thoughts since DD has been born, more so than before the reality had hit me, and I certainly don't think my bond with DD is unusual for a mother. Quite the opposite, in fact, it's how common it is that makes the name tradition all the more annoying to me.

@aSofaNearYou
That’s a good point and is probably what the OP means - I didn’t catch her meaning at first.
I suppose back in the day when there was no social security the mother and child were utterly dependent on the extended families. Everyone knew who the mother was, and by giving the child the father’s name, the father’s family hoped they knew who the father was too.