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Original poster

Friend used me for sex

226 replies

Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 17:51

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 11/01/2022 17:54

He's not a friend. You are his fall back person. Drop him, and move on.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 17:55

@ItsSnowJokes I’ve known the man since we were teenagers. It’s not that easy Sad

OP posts:
NoNameHere12 · 11/01/2022 17:57

Are you hurt by it? If so it’s best to back off, but if not then a FWB situation might work, as long as you feel your getting yours too.

How old is he? Sounds like he tried to get in there first incase you said he was shit in bed.

Chloemol · 11/01/2022 17:58

[quote Drawingperson]@ItsSnowJokes I’ve known the man since we were teenagers. It’s not that easy Sad[/quote]
It is if you want to keep your pride

He used you, then made nasty comments to others confirming he used you and basically doesn’t regret it

That’s not a friend

Stiffcondomhat · 11/01/2022 17:59

You've done nothing wrong. He's an immature loser. Don't waste time trying to rationalise his behaviour. Forget him, grieve privately and get on with your life.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 17:59

@NoNameHere12
I’m not hurt by him not wanting a relationship with me, I don’t particularly want one with him either. I’m hurt by him acting as if I’ve been the one pursuing him, when infact it’s been the other way round.

OP posts:
Daphnise · 11/01/2022 18:00

You might consider just dropping him as "friend".

But I don't think you will.

And that's the problem.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:01

@Daphnise
What do you mean?

OP posts:
mushforbrain · 11/01/2022 18:02

This is really hurtful, not only using you for sex but then telling everyone about it and belittling you like that. I understand it’s not easy/you may not wish to cut him out of your life completely, but I would definitely be taking some time away from him to process it all and work out how your friendship is going to move forward, if at all. Maybe he’s not the person you thought he was Sad

phishy · 11/01/2022 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Stiffcondomhat · 11/01/2022 18:03

When he gets bored he'll throw you a few crumbs. Ideally you'll tell him to fuck off but it seems like you're at risk of getting back in his bed.

StopStartStop · 11/01/2022 18:03

He's a dick. He thought you were a 'possible' for ten years, and kept you primed for when he was ready to make his move. You thought of him as a friend-plus, he thought of you as sex-if-he's-clever-about-it.

So. You're right to be a bit disappointed that he's not all you thought. But after that, just forget him. Block him, drop him, take no interest in him. He'll disappear from your thoughts before you know it.

RedCandyApple · 11/01/2022 18:04

Did he guarantee there would be more if you slept together? Doesn’t sound like he promised you anything so I think it’s just the risk you take

thenewduchessoflapland · 11/01/2022 18:05

@Daphnise

You might consider just dropping him as "friend".

But I don't think you will.

And that's the problem.

@Daphnise is right.

He's not behaving like a friend.He's used you for sex and is then talking about you behind your back and saying really unkind things.He has zero respect for you.

You should phaseout the friendship.He doesn't deserve you as a friend.

I think Daphnise is concerned you won't drop this immature man child as a friend.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:05

@RedCandyApple
No he didn’t. But that’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset that he’s pretending he has seen and treated me as nothing more than a friend over the years- which just isn’t true and other people we’re both friends with have noticed that too, so it isn’t simply in my head.

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 11/01/2022 18:06

It sounds like you enjoyed his attention and when you assumed he wanted you more than you wanted him. Now he's not as into you, it sounds like your pride is hurt more than anything.

Notonthestairs · 11/01/2022 18:07

He's lying about you.

Literally telling lies to make himself look better.

You need to recognise he's not the friend you thought he was.

Take A LOT of space from him (preferably ditch altogether)

pollypokcet · 11/01/2022 18:09

You need to be more careful of who you call your friends. A lot of men don't see friendships the same way their female "friends" do. I've been there (many times). Notably in uni- the same situation but over a few months rather than 10 years.

Sorry that happened anyway, it's a horrible feeling especially when other people are involved, it's embarrassing

Mumteedum · 11/01/2022 18:10

I wouldn't treat m friends like that. He is a shit.

cadburyegg · 11/01/2022 18:10

I agree with @RedCandyApple. He's never promised you anything more. He doesn't owe you a relationship just because you were flirty and had sex. What he said to your mutual friends was out of order though

Gumbomambo · 11/01/2022 18:10

He sounds awful. Imagine how he treats other women if he treats “a friend” like this. He isn’t your friend. He’s an immature user who has enjoyed laughing and belittling you behind your back with your own friendship group. Disengage your self. He won’t ever explain himself to you. Basically he has show you what he thinks of you…Believe him.

GrimDamnFanjo · 11/01/2022 18:10

Give him a LOT of space!
Seems like he enjoyed the pursuit and not the reality of a relationship. To you it probably seemed like destiny. A great friendship turning into some thing more.
I'd be showing him how little I actually care about him. What an ego.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:10

@pollypokcet
You’re probably right. It’s just he has been a good friend in other ways, he’s always been there for me when I needed him and I know he cares about me and loves me. He seems really sad about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 11/01/2022 18:11

A gentleman 'never' talks about his conquests to his mates like that.
Unwritten rule. Let alone the I've never flirted. Anyone with half a brain will know that's not true anyway.
He's very disrespectful.
Why would you want a friend like that.
And you may want ti rethink the casual sex bit. Not judging but it is not for everyone and can make you feel grubby and used.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 18:11

It's not like it's a decade spent investing in to a relationship with a man who respected you, valued you, appreciated you.

You invested in to him. Not the other way around.

He sounds an arse. He can't have not known that you felt that way about him. Ten years of friendship and he still slept with you.

Ten years of friendship and he knew there was no change for him and he still slept with you.

Ten years of friendship and after he'd slept with you and left you figuring it all out, he spoke to your mutual friends first.

I agree with the other posters, please do not consider this man a friend.

You don't have to start a row with him. But if you were doing girlfriendly things like getting him a birthday card, texting him good luck in yr interview etc stop that now

Do not meet up with him on his own. Don't be his fall back girl.

He has shown you very clearly that he doesn't care if he hurts you. He wanted to just get in there, shag you once and let you deal with the humiliation of that. He got to shag you once. Job done. And he tells you that he doesn't feel bad about it.

Please don't give him the time of day.

If you have mutual friends, don't go on about it but just say once that you didn't think a man who'd known you ten years would use you for sex, but hey, people sometimes disappoint.

Act breezy. But do not carry on being his friend. He doesn't deserve that and he knows it.