Friend used me for sex

[Drawingperson]

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

The sex is in many ways a red herring.

That's not what has shown him as a shit friend. Two consenting adults having sex doesn't have to make or break a frienship.

His reaction to it is what has shown him to be a shit friend.

And don't get too lost in what he was like before. Good friends can become shit friends. Just like a nice partner can become a shit one the first time they get nasty or abusive. Relationships change when people's behaviour changes.

Carry on with the friendship but tell him that as he let you down so badly, you won't be having any more sex. He might try. He'll probably see it as a challenge. But you won't give in, will you? That's your revenge.

placeholder girlfriend

i know this is about a superficially romantic relationship but I think it's relevant to the cosy comfortable warm relationship that was your ''friendship'' with this man.

You may not have been his girlfriend and he might be quite indignant reminding you of that, lest he feel bad about himself for a moment oh heaven forbid, but he ignored every boundary between a relationship and a friendship.

@Suprima
That’s just depressing. Most the men I’m friends with are nothing like that. I’m good mates with all my other close male friends, the same way I am with my female friends, there’s no difference.

What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation ? However sorry he feels for himself, I would cut him a wide berth for a while , especially after belittling you to friends , who I presume only told you because they are uncomfortable about it too .

My experience a long time ago is that people misinterpret other people feelings. Your friends saying 'he likes you' is completely meaningless and always was. He probably does think you're attractive- I'm sure you are - but if he wanted to go out with you he'd have asked. It was just a shag to him and he's also very thoughtless talking about it.

Im never sure what 'being there for me actually means. This time he needed to sacrifice the chance for a juicy gossip and attention for your sake and he didn’t..

here's another article that might speak to you

Just because he TELLS you that you're friends, don't think that these articles have no relevancy. He was getting some sort of freebie (no commitment, no obligation) girlfriend experience out of hurting you.

Any man with only slightly below average emotional intelligence would know that sleeping with a platonic friend who has feelings for him is going to hurt her. But he went ahead and did it anyway, and then judged you for having an emotional reaction to that.

Tell him he's being a twat, tell him you wished you hadn't either as you had no idea what a massive knob he could be. Hold your head up, smile and carry on being mates with him. Tell the rest of your friendship group that you just had a quickie for fun and he's making a big drama out of it and that you didn't realise how childish he was when it came to sex. Hopefully that'll put him in his place and you can regain your dignity.

[quote Drawingperson]@CorrBlimeyGG
The very definition of a friendship is that it’s platonic. He didn’t treat me as a friend. I’m not making that up either- every single person in our uni group has said that.[/quote]
But then why are you surprised that he has wanted sex from you if he has always treated you a bit differently? A bit more special? A bit more caring? A bit flirtier?

He’s had motive.

If he was treating you differently because he secretly because loved you, and wanted you to be his girlfriend- you would be in a relationship by now.

I’m not coming for you, or attempting to kick you when you are down- but men can be absolute users and this situation is more common than we think. People desperately want us to accept blindly that ‘MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE FRIENDS’ but I firmly believe the guard should remain up, or at least be at the back of one’s mind.

@PermanentTemporary
To be fair to him, he was asked about it by a mutual friend. He didn’t initiate the gossip and he didn’t say it in a mean way, just expressing his feelings.

He's bitchy and disrespectful.

Aside from clearly using you (for a decade!), It's now obvious he bitches about you behind your back. He probably does this about other too.

He's a rotten egg.

This exact thing happened to me - I could have written your OP. I had always thought we would end up together one day when the time was right and a few days after sex and being super lovely he switched and basically ghosted me. Within 3 months he had moved in with someone else and they have since had a child together.

Everything that had ever happened between us was initiated and driven by him and I didn't see the rejection coming at all. It is one of the most painful things that ever happened to me and really the only things that helped were:

• cutting him out of my life completely
• continually reminding myself that he was not who I thought he was if he could lead me on, use me for sex and then try to gaslight me that I had imagined 10 years of build-up.

[quote Drawingperson]@PermanentTemporary
To be fair to him, he was asked about it by a mutual friend. He didn’t initiate the gossip and he didn’t say it in a mean way, just expressing his feelings.[/quote]
He bitched about you nastily to a mutual friend.

That's not just expressing feelings - that's being nasty.

[quote Drawingperson]@Suprima
That’s just depressing. Most the men I’m friends with are nothing like that. I’m good mates with all my other close male friends, the same way I am with my female friends, there’s no difference.[/quote]
Yeah it is depressing. But it happens as you know fully well now. And your nice male friends who might not be treating you in that way may perhaps have other women who they are keeping as possibles. To think otherwise is utterly naive.

So my guard is always somewhat up, apart from perhaps one male friend who I feel completely safe with due to his asexuality. As a result, I have been able to shut down a few situations where male friends have had tried to keep me as ‘possible’.

They will literally go decades in hope.

@Suprima
I take your point, I just find it really fucking depressing. Do you really believe most men have an ulterior motive? I feel so naive

[quote Drawingperson]@PermanentTemporary
To be fair to him, he was asked about it by a mutual friend. He didn’t initiate the gossip and he didn’t say it in a mean way, just expressing his feelings.[/quote]
Why aren’t you angry Amur this betrayal of you?

About

@Drawingperson please read that second article I linked to.

The one on thought catalogue. I'm done being your placeholder girl.

I have been in your shoes and this article made me accept a lot of harsh truths.

@MrsWooster
I am. But I also care about him a lot and I know that he didn’t promise me anything.

[quote Drawingperson]@Suprima
I take your point, I just find it really fucking depressing. Do you really believe most men have an ulterior motive? I feel so naive[/quote]
I think you have to acknowledge as embarrassing though it is that you allowed the dynamic to continue for a long time.

That's not a criticism.

But you were there for him. You cheered him on, wished him luck, cared about him, remembered his birthday no doubt. He lapped it up. It is nice to be cared about.

Sorry I should have been clearer, I didn't mean carry on being mates as you were - I meant be civil to him (rise above it) when out with friendship group but keep him massively at arms length. He has been very disrespectful towards you and he deserves no more of your time or attention.

[quote Drawingperson]@MrsWooster
I am. But I also care about him a lot and I know that he didn’t promise me anything.[/quote]
He still knew what was going on. Don't let him off the hook

@UserBot989
I had a quick read of it. I see what it’s point is but I don’t see myself as that type of woman, especially not when we were at uni, perhaps more so now. I’ve never been particularly caring. There are perhaps 5 or 6 times where I’ve held him cry or sat with him all night in hospital with his sick dad or helped him when he had taken too many drugs. But usually I’m a fairly blunt person, I’ve never pandered to him or do typically girlfriendy things for him like make him birthday cakes or listen to his problems. That’s why I don’t get it. I have always seen myself as tough.

Sounds like teenage drama?! You finished uni 10 years ago?

[quote Drawingperson]@CorrBlimeyGG
The very definition of a friendship is that it’s platonic. He didn’t treat me as a friend. I’m not making that up either- every single person in our uni group has said that.[/quote]
It doesn't matter. I'm really concerned about your self esteem. It seems like the way he has behaved towards you doesn't matter, all that matters is whether other people realise that he had a crush on you.

Please grow some love for yourself.