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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used me for sex

226 replies

Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 17:51

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

OP posts:
FairFuming · 11/01/2022 18:38

This has happened to me with 2 long standing male friends since I got out of an abusive relationship that lasted almost a decade last year. One was someone I talked to regularly, we all went out as families together with partners and kids and he was so helpful when I left my ex. So supportive then he tried it on one night and when I said no because he's married he got really nasty and started trying to convince me I owed him sex for all he'd done for me.

The other just got gross and sexual then sent me dick pics when Iconfirmed I was single again. Honestly now very careful about any male friends wanting to 'help' me.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:38

@Marimaur We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’m 28.

OP posts:
rattusrattus20 · 11/01/2022 18:39

ex friend, I should say.

Goinghome20 · 11/01/2022 18:39

Fuck him. He is a horror. Honestly, distance yourself. He has also made himself look like a total knob to mutual friends. If you want any respect from them in the future move on.

Squidthing · 11/01/2022 18:39

He's an arse and no friend to you. He doesn't care about you, I'm sorry that you feel let down by him but at least you've found out now.

Serenschintte · 11/01/2022 18:41

Sometimes it takes a long time to find out what fundamentally someone is like.
You have now found this out. It really hurts of course. Because he isn’t the person you thought he was.
Give yourself some time to be sad. But that’s the end of the friendship - because he isn’t really your friend.
If he’s in the same group just be polite but distant. And don’t get involved again. Unless you want to be hurt again. And it’s a cliche but it really isn’t you. It’s him.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:44

@PleasantBirthday
I don’t really know why I care about that. I think mainly perhaps because it’s been so long and I would look like an idiot, rightfully so, if he had simply seen me as a friend.

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 11/01/2022 18:45

Look OP you are being very naive and making a million excuses for his shitty behaviour. People can be horrible and shits. It's a fact of life.

Yes you have been there for each other blah blah blah, he has shown you what he thinks of you, you have heard what he has said about you, and now he's sad as his fall back person has realised actually what a cunt he is.

You won't listen to anyone here, so just prepare yourself for another 10 years of all this angst when you could find lots of new friends who wouldn't actually treat you like shit.

Its time for you to grow up or carry on with the same shit.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 18:46

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
I don’t really know why I care about that. I think mainly perhaps because it’s been so long and I would look like an idiot, rightfully so, if he had simply seen me as a friend.[/quote]
Personally, I think it's because you can't stand to tell him to go to hell but know how it looks to everyone he's slagged you off to if you don't.

TheChip · 11/01/2022 18:46

Sounds like he played the long game.

DamnUserName21 · 11/01/2022 18:48

OP, there are some 'friends' who are meant to stay in your life, and some friends who aren't, regardless of the length of time. Cut this one loose.
He is not a decent person. It's clear you view his friendship very differently to him.
Although I don't feel he used you for sex at all, his behaviour since has been shitty, disrespectful and just wrong.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 18:49

[quote Drawingperson]@UserBot989
I had a quick read of it. I see what it’s point is but I don’t see myself as that type of woman, especially not when we were at uni, perhaps more so now. I’ve never been particularly caring. There are perhaps 5 or 6 times where I’ve held him cry or sat with him all night in hospital with his sick dad or helped him when he had taken too many drugs. But usually I’m a fairly blunt person, I’ve never pandered to him or do typically girlfriendy things for him like make him birthday cakes or listen to his problems. That’s why I don’t get it. I have always seen myself as tough.[/quote]
What do you mean by ''that type of woman'' ??

You weren't his gf by any label but the situation carried on for a decade.

I think to emerge from this with your dignity (and you deserve to emerge from the experience with your dignity) you have to acknowledge that you gave your warmth, interest and affection to him too willingly. So I guess you also ignored the boundaries between a relationship and a friendship.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I've been right where you are and it's an absolute headfuck, like no other.

You say that he never ''promised you anything'' ( verbally ) but honestly, did he erode the boundaries between friendship and a relationship? (he did).

You feel hurt because you were close to him but yet you're defending him because he owes you nothing.

Whether he's right or he's wrong to be defensive now, that's not a recipe for a friendship dynamic you'd want to repeat.

Wine
Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:49

@PleasantBirthday
Even if I told him to go to hell, when I see him in person he’s one of the funniest people ever, it’s impossible to not be drawn to him. He’ll also keep asking me questions and attempt to include me in the conversation. I can’t really escape him as our uni group meets up quite often, at least once a week after work for drinks and often on the weekends too.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 18:51

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
Even if I told him to go to hell, when I see him in person he’s one of the funniest people ever, it’s impossible to not be drawn to him. He’ll also keep asking me questions and attempt to include me in the conversation. I can’t really escape him as our uni group meets up quite often, at least once a week after work for drinks and often on the weekends too.[/quote]
Ok, you're determined to hang on any way possible.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:51

@UserBot989
The article talks about a woman who’s a shoulder to cry on etc. I don’t mean to say ‘that type of woman’ in an offensive manner whatsoever. I wish I could be that kind! I simply meant that I don’t coddle him and make him feel great like a girlfriend would do so I don’t see how he could be using me for an ego boost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 18:51

@PleasantBirthday
I’m not determined to. I’m trying to be honest with how I feel. There’s no point lying here and pretending I’m easily going to be done with him.

OP posts:
UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 18:54

oh drawing, he has you over a barrel here Sad

Unless you GET TURNED OFF by people treating you badly then nothing will change.

you're squaring up for another decade of being made to feel ''not good enough'' for him when every fibre of your being should be channelling ''you're not good enough for me''.

you don't have to do anything or say anything, although I'd walk off half way through his stories!

Just be a little aloof.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 18:54

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
I’m not determined to. I’m trying to be honest with how I feel. There’s no point lying here and pretending I’m easily going to be done with him.[/quote]
He's talked about you behind your back and tried to humiliate you in front of your friends but you're going to have something to do with him because he's funny. How can he be funny to you?

StormTreader · 11/01/2022 18:55

Men just LOVE an ego stroke - in fairness, women love it too but we are generally socialised that its fine to give and get that from your female friends whereas men seem to be taught that they can only get that from a sexual or romantic partner.

He's no doubt been loving the idea that you're "in love with him" for years and now you've slept together but aren't dating, he has to spin it as an act of charity to justify why you're not together now after all that flirting - the alternative being "I don't think she'd want to date me anyway" which really doesn't fit that whole love narrative he's been telling for so long.

Redarrow2017 · 11/01/2022 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

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UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 18:57

Ps, and I don't say this to be unkind, the opposite, you're exactly the woman in the article because you give without receiving anything concrete in return. The minor details and the specifics aren't the point.

If somebody else is comfortable with you giving while they just take, you need to get turned off. And you're not turned off. Which makes you the placeholder girl in the article, but before she had her epiphany.

Sorry.

Rodion · 11/01/2022 18:58

I don't necessarily think he 'played the long game' (although he may have). The previous friendship may have been a number of things, or he may have been undecided about his feelings, or you may be on the money but now he's lying because he's changed his mind. Who knows.

Unless you have a conversation where you know he's bring truthful, you can't expect to get to the bottom of how he's felt for the past ten years. But you CAN see how he's behaved now, and you can feel how much it hurt. Your complicated friendship backstory doesn't really matter compared to how he behaved when you eventually did get together. If he felt bad that he slept with you and didn't want a relationship he should have been speaking to you about it, not your joint friendship group in a way that makes you look foolish.

Do you have other friends who are not part of this group? I'd be focussing on them for a while I think.

NannaMcPhoo · 11/01/2022 18:58

But you both wanted to have sex at the time right?

He had a reason for wanting it and I presume you did too. Yes it was very immature of him to talk about it and brag and you can be mad at him for that but not the act of having sex in my opinion.

JustLyra · 11/01/2022 18:58

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
Even if I told him to go to hell, when I see him in person he’s one of the funniest people ever, it’s impossible to not be drawn to him. He’ll also keep asking me questions and attempt to include me in the conversation. I can’t really escape him as our uni group meets up quite often, at least once a week after work for drinks and often on the weekends too.[/quote]
Tell him to stop asking you questions. That you will be civil to him so that it's not awkward for everyone else, but that he needs to respect that you are not his friend after how he treated you.

Stop making excuses for him. You don't have to have lots of one-to-one interaction with him just to be part of the group, you really don't.

HollowTalk · 11/01/2022 18:59

I think it’s really horrible that he talked about it at all to your friends. I know you are all close but sleeping with someone is very different and he should have been more respectful.