Friend used me for sex

[Drawingperson]

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

It sounds like bravado to his mates to me. You need to talk to him to understand his real views I think x

It’s really difficult because I’ve seen male friends use me as a friend for something more over the years. But usually only over a course of months. Surely you can’t fake a friendship for 10 years just to have sex at the end of it?

So he's a liar. Don't take it so personally. He lies to everyone. Does that help? Bin him off!

Shitty behaviour
Kick him into touch

Surely you can’t fake a friendship for 10 years just to have sex at the end of it?

He wasn't faking the friendship, but you've taken it to be much more than that. Unfortunately he doesn't share your feelings.

@Drawingperson

It’s really difficult because I’ve seen male friends use me as a friend for something more over the years. But usually only over a course of months. Surely you can’t fake a friendship for 10 years just to have sex at the end of it?

Some men are just led by their cock. It's probably not even occurred to him that you wouldn't be able to carry on like normal afterwards.

And yes, he's a liar to the extent he will keep it up for 10 years.

Some people just want attention and they don't care who they hurt to get it

Happens to the best of us at some point. Sounds like you have feelings for him though so probably best to cut all ties amd move on

@Wotsitsits
How would it even be possible to keep it up for that long?

@CorrBlimeyGG
It’s not that I’ve taken it to mean more than just friends, it simply was. He doesn’t treat his other female friends like he treats me.

In this sentence that you wrote is why you have to listen

''I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong ''

You are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. But this is where your brain goes trying to figure out wtf just happened.

I have been in these shoes and I also ended up obsessing over why I wasn't good enough. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just wasting my time with an avoidant man who was a bit of a spiritual narcissist to be honest. He took. I gave. But it was all so silkily done.

He did nothing for my confidence.

[quote Drawingperson]@RedCandyApple
No he didn’t. But that’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset that he’s pretending he has seen and treated me as nothing more than a friend over the years- which just isn’t true and other people we’re both friends with have noticed that too, so it isn’t simply in my head.[/quote]
If your friendship group have all noticed his behaviour in the past, they'll be thinking he's a bit of a prat. Just laugh it off in a 'yeah yeah, of course if was me chasing you' way. And obviously don't sleep with or stay close friends with him - pathetic behaviour to belittle you like that.

He knows the truth. You know the truth. Your friends know the truth. Someone’s probably said something along the lines of “she finally gave in then” and he lied so as not to look like the one who’s been importuning you for a decade.
If you want to save the friendship then gloves off and tell him it’s been fab in parts but fundamentally unhealthy, and if you both want to save the fab parts and the wider group relationship then you need to draw sone lines and be honest with and about each other.

Omg you’re me. This is almost exactly the situation I was in a few years ago. 5 years later we are still friends (so 15 years of knowing each other) but it’s not as straightforward as it used to be. It’s very hard when you are actually friends. I took a break from him, told all our mutual friends exactly what had happened (they all agreed he’d been a dick) and then over time we reached some sort of understanding (without ever talking about it) and now we do message semi regularly. However I only ever see him in a group now because I don’t want to put myself in a situation where we are alone together again. It was very much a process and an absolute pain in the arse but we did end up staying friends - for better or worse I couldn’t completely cut him out of my life.

@UserBot989
I know. You’re right, I need to stop those things but the problem is he does them for me too. He always looks out for me, hell, he flew half way across the world to come and get me from a situation that I was afraid in when we were 20.

It seems as though you have possibly read alot more into this friendship than him. The way he has talked about you to friends is hurtful and demeaning and not what a good friend would do, hes kind of making you out to be abit of a nuisance. He doesn' t value you.
l would step away and stay away. Other people will come into your life who will be more sincere, mature and reliable.
Don't waste any more time on him, he' s shown you his true colours, ugly behaviour.

@callingon
I’m so sorry, it’s shit isn’t it

Honestly OP, move on. Forget about him. I had a guy in my life since uni over 20 years ago. We were on and off for years, he has never settled down or had kids. I had to be tough with myself and accept that no matter how much I loved him, he would never feel the same. Yours sounds similar, he negged me for years because I didn’t come up to his ‘standards’. It turns out none of the titled, well bred women he thought were good enough actually saw him as a long term prospect. You have done nothing wrong, find someone who actually wants to be with you.

[quote Drawingperson]@Wotsitsits
How would it even be possible to keep it up for that long?

@CorrBlimeyGG
It’s not that I’ve taken it to mean more than just friends, it simply was. He doesn’t treat his other female friends like he treats me.[/quote]
I believe you that he didn't treat you how he treated his other girl friends. Google placeholder. You were like the girlfriend experience.

He enjoyed the warmth, affection, concern, thoughtfulness and interest that came from you, why wouldn't he, you're probably lovely to him, he enjoyed that. You never asked him what are we, could this be more? so he was absolutely free as a bird to enjoy your affection and your warmth without ever having to offer anything to you in return. He doesn't need to tell you where he is, what his plans are the next month, he doesn't need to consider you in his decisions, he doesn't need to be faithful to you, he is free to date, free to look for Ms Right, but yet, in the meantime, he has the warmth and affection of a woman he feels comfortable around.

Easiest thing in the world to '''keep up for that long'' I'd say

@Wotsitsits with this guy I had a very similar thing with - I genuinely don’t think he was lying. I’ve come to realise he has almost zero emotional intelligence. I certainly don’t want to be with him now I’ve realised that! Some people really are just that dense and never recognise they are causing havoc with peoples emotions. It was super annoying when I wanted to hold him to account for how he’d behaved and he wasn’t able to reflect on it. I’ve seen in all his relationships tho that he is a rubbish boyfriend. It’s sad really, although it’s taken me a while to see it like that cos for about 6 months I was furious.

@Drawingperson

It’s really difficult because I’ve seen male friends use me as a friend for something more over the years. But usually only over a course of months. Surely you can’t fake a friendship for 10 years just to have sex at the end of it?

He wasn't faking the friendship, but he was happy to change it when it suited him.

However, he has shown you - by the fact he's been happily slagging you off - that your idea of friendship isn't the same as his.

You were his friend before and after you slept together.
He was your friend before you slept together, but afterward he was a prat who slagged you off to his mates even though they're also your mates.

It’s not that I’ve taken it to mean more than just friends, it simply was. He doesn’t treat his other female friends like he treats me.

You can have different types of friendship with different people. You've read much more into yours than there was. Give yourself time to heal, and decide whether you want to continue the friendship (with boundaries) or not.

[quote Drawingperson]@RedCandyApple
No he didn’t. But that’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset that he’s pretending he has seen and treated me as nothing more than a friend over the years- which just isn’t true and other people we’re both friends with have noticed that too, so it isn’t simply in my head.[/quote]
Men have whole relationships and families with women they don’t even like.

Men also keep a flock of ladies around them, albeit in different pockets of their lives, childhood friends, colleagues, uni mates- in the hope that they can one day shag. They will do this for years and deny they are doing it.

Cut this man completely loose, avoid him at social events and stop him living rent free in your head. It isn’t really worth being upset about or dwelling on. Depraved man is depraved.

@CorrBlimeyGG
The very definition of a friendship is that it’s platonic. He didn’t treat me as a friend. I’m not making that up either- every single person in our uni group has said that.

[quote Drawingperson]@UserBot989
I know. You’re right, I need to stop those things but the problem is he does them for me too. He always looks out for me, hell, he flew half way across the world to come and get me from a situation that I was afraid in when we were 20.[/quote]
Yeah so one day you would remember his kindness when he wanted to shag you. That’s literally why.

And I wouldn’t be so sure he has treated other female friends so differently.

It's so difficult isn't it. I has something similar happe to me last summer. Guy I've known for years (not as close as you though). I considered him a friend. We were at uni together but both attached then. We were both single and he contacted me. We met up, both admitted we had had feelings for each other and ended up sleeping together. He then ghosted me, a few weeks later was on Facebook with his new girlfriend.
Honestly I felt like shit, he was the first guy I've met in years that I'd been interested in and it's totally blown my confidence and trust (not that it was great to start with).
The worst thing was I though he was a friend.

I haven't quite been able to block him yet but I probably will.
I haven't contacted him at all.
I am not sure what the answer is.
I allowed myself some time to wallow a little then put it aside and try to move on (or go back to being single and celebrate again!!)