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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used me for sex

226 replies

Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 17:51

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

OP posts:
MorkandMandy · 11/01/2022 19:00

@UserBot989 has it re: his POV. He knew you liked him and there’s nothing quite so soft on the ego as that.

grapewine · 11/01/2022 19:01

You're making a tonne of excuses. My bet is he knew you would.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:02

@MorkandMandy
But he liked me too. I didn’t treat him this way though

OP posts:
Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:03

@UserBot989
Ah I see. Fair enough. You’re probably right, I just don’t know how to find the strength to really admit that to myself

OP posts:
NYnewstart · 11/01/2022 19:03

He sees you as a friend but there was an extra element of the thrill of the chase. He also knows you only really want him as a friend so there is also some face saving going on.

Really you both shouldn’t have gone there. If he’s normally a good friend, forget you ever had sex and move on.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 19:03

[quote Drawingperson]@MorkandMandy
But he liked me too. I didn’t treat him this way though[/quote]
It's beginning to feel like he told the truth to some extent though. You do sound blindly besotted by him.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 11/01/2022 19:04

I have been in a similar situation, OP, and what you are smarting about is that you thought he thought you were 'special'. Lots of flirting, lots of caring, lots of semi-relationship behaviour over the decade, but no actual relationship, This is not an accident. He didn't want a relationship. It really really hurts to realise you are not that special, actually he pretty much liked you laughing at his jokes and wanted sex, but it is what it is. I have one of these and I used to admire him so much, but once I realised (from what he said when drunk once) that I was basically just someone he fancied, but not 'special', I stopped being half in love with him and just felt a bit disappointed.

It's horrible when you think you have something, and you don't, but you don't, and you need to protect yourself a lot more going forward, starting with laughing a little less hard at his jokes, not flirting and basically making it clear he had his chance, blew it. Then find yourself someone nice to fill your head with instead of him.

MorkandMandy · 11/01/2022 19:04

@Drawingperson He probably did/ does. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t also have an idea that he wanted to keep looking for someone better (and that’s not objective of course, just in his mind. You’re probably lovely. You’re almost definitely worth far more than this.)

Flowerpower23 · 11/01/2022 19:07

You’re not going to get the answers you want on this thread, that much is clear!

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:08

@PleasantBirthday
Because he’s not here to defend himself so I’m trying to be neutral. I do love him and care for him, you’re right. In an ideal world he wouldn’t have lied about his feelings for me and not gossiped about the sex. We could go back to being friends. That’s all I wanted after sex, not a relationship because I know he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend.

OP posts:
Saradegrey · 11/01/2022 19:09

He is a Beta orbiter. If you thought he was good enough, you would have had a relationship with him a decade ago, but you never did. He was in the friend zone, giving you loads of support, a shoulder to cry on, coming running when you called, like a knight in shining armour.

That is not a real friendship in either direction. He eventually got what he wanted from you. It will never be the same. He won't cross the world when you have a problem now.

Suzi888 · 11/01/2022 19:09

Say he likes you, enjoys your company, likes having sex with you… just isn’t in love with you, love having sex with you, love to live with you and have you a a girlfriend. Maybe he loves the friendship group too much to pursue a relationship with you. Forget about it. Carry on with your friendship, don’t have sex with him again.

Did your mutual mates tease him perhaps and he’s embarrassed and realised he doesn’t want a full on relationship.

Who knows…. but you are determined to continue seeing him. So I’d stop thinking about it and put the whole thing behind you, never speak of it. I think he may try it on again at some point though…. and you are going to get hurt.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 19:10

[quote Drawingperson]@UserBot989
Ah I see. Fair enough. You’re probably right, I just don’t know how to find the strength to really admit that to myself[/quote]
Try! Do be strong Flowers Wine

Because after I walked away from the man who treated me like this, and forced myself to finally see that I'd given too freely (even if that's just time and good humour, it counts) to a man who owed me nothing and wanted it that way, I could also then see how he'd eroded the boundaries between a relationship and a friendship. Yes, he ''owed me nothing'' but why is that a defence? He has emotional intelligence and knows that there is a difference between a friendship and a relationship but he blurred the boundaries and I allowed him to.

I think it was a very steep learning curve for me, but it's been a necessary one because now that I GET TURNED OFF by these fuckers trying to take my time/warmth/humour while owing me nothing, I don't need to battle with myself to make myself walk away. I just naturally don't care, which is so much easier.

Please make like easier for yourself.

You're only 28. Do you know what age I was when I learnt this lesson? 44. Blush

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:11

@Suzi888
What do you mean by this? ‘ Maybe he loves the friendship group too much to pursue a relationship with you’

And yes, a few of them did tease him. But I don’t see why he couldn’t have just laughed it off.

OP posts:
2022HowDoYouDo · 11/01/2022 19:11

He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest he doesn't sound like a very nice friend. Fair enough the sex may have been a bad idea but he's lying and belittling you behind your back. Maybe not drop him as a friend seeing that your friendship group is a tight and mutual one, but I think you need to create some distance from him to protect yourself from further hurt and lies.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 19:13

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
Because he’s not here to defend himself so I’m trying to be neutral. I do love him and care for him, you’re right. In an ideal world he wouldn’t have lied about his feelings for me and not gossiped about the sex. We could go back to being friends. That’s all I wanted after sex, not a relationship because I know he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend.[/quote]
Nobody here has a scooby who either of you are so there's no point in defending him to us. He's behaved very badly towards you. He's a user, not the most charming, magnetic and funny man who was ever the best friend anyone ever had.

I don't know why I care (as I say, i would not know you if I passed you on the street), but I hate to see anyone hold out all starry eyed for someone who could treat them like this. Your closer in age to my daughter than me and it would KILL me if this was her. It would break my heart.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 19:13

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
Because he’s not here to defend himself so I’m trying to be neutral. I do love him and care for him, you’re right. In an ideal world he wouldn’t have lied about his feelings for me and not gossiped about the sex. We could go back to being friends. That’s all I wanted after sex, not a relationship because I know he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend.[/quote]
Why should your experience need to be countered by his side of the story right now?

Your experience of this was that it was a very difficult thing to go through.

Why do you need to be neutral?

Sit with your experience. How was it for YOU?

Never mind him. He's minding himself.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 19:14

You're.

Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:19

@PleasantBirthday
That makes me really upset. I don’t want people to see me as a starry eyed idiot. I really don’t.

But I’m also being honest when I tell you that yes I know he’s a user, but he is also genuinely the funniest, most interesting person ever. It’s impossible to not laugh when he talks, it’s impossible to not smile to yourself when he says stupid things. It’s also not just me, I know most of our friends feel the same way. He’s just incredibly charming and I don’t know how overnight I can ignore that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drawingperson · 11/01/2022 19:20

@UserBot989
I know I may seem like I’m not listening but your posts are really comforting. I’ve read most of them twice. Thank you, genuinely.

OP posts:
SGBK4682 · 11/01/2022 19:21

He had no right to talk about you like that to mutual friends. It's a betrayal and he has humiliated you. If they asked, he could have side stepped. It may all be lies because he's changed his mind about you or woken up to the fact he only wanted to keep you hanging on. It may not. But it's done now and he hasn't treated you as anyone special at all. Quite the opposite.

Your only options are to pretend you aren't bothered or withdraw from the friendship. Or at least be distanced emotionally and make sure you're always in a group when he is around.

Kuachui · 11/01/2022 19:22

your a doormat and hes enjoying wiping his boots on you, once your too used and dirty, he will chuck you for a new one. its the way it goes

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2022 19:22

But that’s not what I’m upset about.

Sorry, but that's exactly what you're upset about. You need to get this person out of your life. He is not a friend.

You'll be fine. But you need to ditch him.

grapewine · 11/01/2022 19:23

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
That makes me really upset. I don’t want people to see me as a starry eyed idiot. I really don’t.

But I’m also being honest when I tell you that yes I know he’s a user, but he is also genuinely the funniest, most interesting person ever. It’s impossible to not laugh when he talks, it’s impossible to not smile to yourself when he says stupid things. It’s also not just me, I know most of our friends feel the same way. He’s just incredibly charming and I don’t know how overnight I can ignore that.[/quote]
He's counting on this, OP. They do. You have to try to find him less charming.

CaperCaper · 11/01/2022 19:23

You said "I know he cares about me and loves me" but his actions really don't show that. I think he's not the nice guy you think he is. I get that he will still be in the friendship group which you want to maintain - you don't have to fall out but I would be less available to him and less reliant on home - change how you act. In any friendship group some friends are more friendly than others. Just be friendlier with others than with him now, he's really not a nice person and he's no friend of yours.