Friend used me for sex

[Drawingperson]

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

I had a really good male friend i had known for nearly 5 years who I had a kind of flirty relationship with, & who I thought I might end up dating (hopefully)...
But he did the most horrible thing behind my back and I still can't work out his motivation for it (and I was 26 then... I'm now 45).
It turned out that he had a cruel nickname for me that he shared with all his male friends based on how ugly he thought I was.
This is a man I trusted and thought of as almost more than just a friend. We had kissed but not had sex.
When I discovered the nickname I was devastated. It took me a long time to rebuild my self esteem and confidence in my looks. Obviously my 'friend' was ditched.
I don't trust men at all now.

OP in your situation I would get rid. You need to stay away from him in order to switch off your feelings for your friend.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder! Spend time with other friends.
Also consider if your uni friends really have your back.

It turned out that he had a cruel nickname for me that he shared with all his male friends based on how ugly he thought I was.

Some men like to get their rejection in first. If they're attracted to you but think you will reject them, they'll be cruel like this. They'll say stuff to their mates in particular so that their mates think they are not interested in you at all. It is cruel and immature. But please don't let something that happened around twenty years ago haunt you now. He hurt you then - don't let him continue to wreck your happiness.

Funny? ✅
Interesting? ✅
Attractive? ✅
Gossip? ✅
Liar? ✅

The one for you? ❌

I’m sorry OP. I don’t know why he gossiped. I don’t know why he says you chased him.

I’m not sure he used you - it might’ve been a caught up in the moment thing - and you both wanted it.

However his behaviour after is not that of a friend. Nor was it gentlemanly.

You might think he is all that and a treacle pud but he isn’t.

You need to think of his behaviour after you had sex and not how he acted before.

Because after is what is hurting you.

And someone who really cared would not have been such a big arse.

And I wouldn’t want a lover that is an arse. And I’m ruddy sure it isn’t a quality I’d want in a friend.

Never think that you’re not good enough, especially in situations like this one. We’ve all been where you are, not feeling good enough or what can I do to make him want me etc. The truth is it’s not you that’s not good enough, believe me with these insecure men (and women) that use people, be it sex, friendship or even money.. it’s always something that THEY lack. You might be feeling a type of way now but it will one day all make sense why it didn’t work with him, you will see him for what he is. And you will be happy, you have to trust the process and start thinking about you, if he really thinks the things he’s said ( you being in love since 18) And he’s done this to use you, then is this a man you want to be with that thinks like this? That uses women.
Imagine having kids with a man with these views- no thank you.

Iv been there it’s hard I know but honestly the sooner you distance yourself the better.

If you’re able to get on Instagram there’s an amazing lady called lalalaletmeexplain that talks about subjects like this and things to help. She’s also got a book on pre order all to help women and men from toxic relationships and spotting signs of abuse, look her up I think you will get a lot of help and support there 💖

Apologies.

Arse ✅

I hope this does not hurt your feelings. You are upset that he has denied that he always held a torch for you.
You are adamant he has fancied you all along and hurt he is denying it.
Is there any possibility you have got this wrong ?

It is well known it happened the other way round - when a close female/Male friendship ends in sex and the man is absolutely convinced the woman fancied him all along ...but in truth she didn’t

He’s projecting! When he says that YOU have always fancied him/wanted a relationship what he means is that is what HE has wanted. Now it’s come a bit closer to reality he has shit himself because he might get hurt/rejected. So he is protecting himself in this weird way. It’s stupid but men are stupid creatures.

There's no such thing as a platonic friendship between men & women.

One always fancies the other.

This is why you never see old ugly guys being mates with young women etc.

@StopStartStop

He's a dick. He thought you were a 'possible' for ten years, and kept you primed for when he was ready to make his move. You thought of him as a friend-plus, he thought of you as sex-if-he's-clever-about-it.

So. You're right to be a bit disappointed that he's not all you thought. But after that, just forget him. Block him, drop him, take no interest in him. He'll disappear from your thoughts before you know it.

This. He sounds incredibly immature and really not a nice bloke, telling your friends the things he did. It is as though you are still a student.

@WorstXmasEver

There's no such thing as a platonic friendship between men & women.

One always fancies the other.

This is why you never see old ugly guys being mates with young women etc.

But i disagree with this as both DH and I have decades long opposite-sex friendships with no undertones or any hidden agenda.

He lacks character.

The rest doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault.

You can still be friends, but don’t ever forget that he lacks character.

Aw mate. That’s a stingy one
I actually agree with @Regularsizedrudy - he might have been a bit “ eek!” afterwards, and handled in badly.
I think the fact that it’s been round all of your friends is a bit immature? Of everyone discussing it? It’ll probably make it worse / put pressure on you both ? They’ll probably excited for it to finally happen or just a piece of gossip to all have a chat about!
I’d leave it to cool, but I’d be wary letting him back into my circle- he’s made you out to be some witless teen, and he’s thrown you a mercy-fuck. Sorry if that’s harsh …
You’re friends have EYES tho, they’ll have seen yous over the years ….
A betrayal by a friend is still as heartbreaking as a boyfriend,doing it …
Switch the phone off to them ALL for a few days

Thank god you’ll not pursue a relationship with him, now you know what he’ll tell all your friends …

Good grief…the sex was a curiosity/unfinished business. Meaningless but fun sex - guys do that!

I had a similar handful of experiences after uni where I had dalliances with old school friends that I’d been close to when we were (majoritively, but not always) unattached.

He might be telling what he perceives as the truth about how he thinks you felt about him…or he might be just bugging himself up.

In either case, he’s not serious about you and the only real honest is his expression of regret…he’s actually probably a bit embarrassed and or feeling (after the fact) like having sex with a pal was a bit of a wrong/seedy thing to do.

In any case, it’s not an emotional mangle you want to put your hand into - he doesn’t secretly love you as, if he did, a relationship would have blossomed by now.

Learn from your own mistakes in this and move on.

Sorry that happened OP. You do sound a bit in love with him ( well more than a bit). Luckily, he has made the decision easy for you by being a tosser and now you can move on and find the right person for you. I'd cut the uni friends meetings down to once a week though if I was you , to give you time to spend with other friends. Although it doesn't seem like it now, people will drift away and it's good to have another social circle. Good luck with it - and don't trust him again.

@MadameMinimes

What were your motivations for having sex with him if you didn’t want a relationship with him? If you wanted to just go back to being friends then it sounds like what you’re really upset about is the fact that he isn’t more into you than you’re into him. It sounds like for 10 years, you’ve really enjoyed the sense that he had deep seated feelings for you.

I get it. Who wouldn’t want to be the subject of someone’s unrequited yearning? You obviously feel that he was in love with you and that the reason you weren’t together is because you made a conscious decision to keep it as “just friends”, he obviously views it as being the other way around. The truth is likely that you were both flirtatious and enjoyed that aspect of your relationship but neither wanted to be the one to be seen to pursue an actual romantic relationship.

This

OP, I think you and he have been best friends for a long time. I think you've been flirty with each other and he's loved you and looked out for you as a friend for a long time. Your mates can clearly see how close you are. However, none of that means that he's been madly in love with you for all that time. He clearly wasn't - and isn't - or he wouldn't be telling his friends that he's embarassed about it and you're just friends, and that you've been flirting with him all this time. Pull him up on being a dick, take a step back and let your friendship cool a bit. You can still see your friends together. Honestly, this is a bigger drama than it needs to be.

Men often don't respect women they see as 'easy'.

Sounds like he was a bit of a dick, but your other friends are also dicks for stirring the pot with all the "he said xyz about you".

This is awful you have been friends a long time. There seemed to be value in that friendship but to me the way he behaved after the sex is cruel and unforgivable. I would not want to continue the friendship, it's hard if you are friends in a group you may not want to lose the group friendship which may mean spending time with him at times (unless the friends are willing to be loyal to you) but I think I would work at drawing a line on the friendship.

Tell a couple of members of yr group he gave you a infection. And carry on with your life

Can guarantee if you were to now find someone new and intro him to your uni group, he'd be a pain. Don't be surprised if he has a new girlfriend very quickly. And he'll be watching yr reaction, winding you up, whilst pretending to others that he is worried about you.

Ahhh this gives me massive anxiety reading this - I could’ve written this. Word for word. It’s reminding me of my life pre husband.

You are besotted with him - and nothing wrong with that. But he doesn’t feel the same. I have absolutely no doubt he thinks a lot of you, enjoyed being with you etc etc.

But that’s all. He’s enjoying the nice bits of being with someone without the commitment. You are making him feel good.

So you are good enough to shag, but not good enough to be with? I’ve been there SO many times myself. And by telling myself “I didn’t want a relationship” was exactly what I told myself to make myself feel better about it all. To try and protect myself.

The memories coming back make me feel sick. I wasted SO much of my life on men who actually didn’t really care about me. And I took their scraps, their crumbs. Hanging on for more - because surely they’d realise wouldn’t they?

Know YOUR value. Know YOUR worth.

Because you’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and it will happen again and you’ll feel the same, but will tell yourself that he must really want to be with you. Because that is what you are telling yourself to try and drown out the feeling in your gut

Then he’ll meet someone else - and it will utterly break your heart.

Walk away from him. He slagged you off and laughed about you to your mates. Who does that to someone they care about?

Relationships don’t need to be difficult. There doesn’t need to be games. He’s single, you are single. If you were meant to be together, you would be. It genuinely is that simple

It took me until 35 to realise that. I thought I cannot do this anymore. It is destroying me. Taking the scraps that someone threw me.

And then I met my now husband. Very very different person. And I told myself “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got”

That was 10 years ago, we’ve been married 5 years and have 2 children.

But I remember those feelings that you are feeling like it was yesterday

Be kind to yourself. You don’t need him in your life.

@WorstXmasEver

There's no such thing as a platonic friendship between men & women.

One always fancies the other.

This is why you never see old ugly guys being mates with young women etc.

Well I agree with you. Im not part of any big mixed gang. Im single. My male friends are husbands of friends and calling them friends is a stretch. I did used to have a few male friends but it turned out they saw me "that way" and thought id give in eventually. I realised i had done the same with a man i used to know and met 20+ years ago. I liked him. He was my type. I wasnt his. I stopped making the effort and we arent in touch any more.

So, i have no male friends, despite being warm, averagely attractive, loyal, straightfoward.... women like me. I know that and i love that, and i love my women friends. Im likeable and supportivr.. But that doesnt mean men are bothered about being yr friend.

When i had a bf a few yrs ago i felt friendly with some of his friends, so i think women in couples often delude themselves that they have a lot of platonic friends and it's easy, but it's only very occasionally true. Not "never" true, but occasionally true.

@WorstXmasEver

There's no such thing as a platonic friendship between men & women.

One always fancies the other.

This is why you never see old ugly guys being mates with young women etc.

@WorstXmasEver - do you really think so? In my cases - I had another male platonic close friend (work colleague) he started off fancying me, then we became mates and then one day suddenly a weird out of the blue sext message popped up on my phone!

But I had a few friends at the time tell me - oh of course you can have platonic friendships with men. And here was me especially with my other experience thinking that, no, on the whole, in the back of my mind they fancied me, but either not enough to take it further or something else...

I've had male friends but I always knew they fancied me.
Didn't stop me being their friend but I was always aware.

I definitely have platonic male friends and neither of us fancy the other.

But then I also have male friends where there’s a bit of an attraction on either side.

So no, I don’t agree.