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Original poster

Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

581 replies

Mikeythecat · 11/01/2022 16:48

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2022 22:32

@FireworkParrot

Ok so say he's telling the truth, you take him at his word. He's felt rejected and instead of talking to you like an adult instead he's:
  1. Signed up to a dating website
  2. Passive aggressively sent you his username as a threat
  3. Ignored your pleas for answers when you've said you're upset and confused
  4. Is now trying to brush everything under the carpet and is hoping you'll forget about points 1-3.

And that's the best case scenario, the other scenario is that he has messaged other women and to be honest is a much more plausible explanation for the POF username you received.

Ditch this idiot. Seriously, you don't need this hassle in your life.

Also blamed you for being cold and distant yet happily shagged you recently? The poor lamb.
Rubyyyy · 12/01/2022 22:33

Op you sound like a wonderful person, you deserve someone who is going to support you as you have SO much going on in your life right now, not run off to POF when they feel sad (what happened to communication in a relationship if it was that bad for him!?)
I think you deserve better.

Sedai · 12/01/2022 22:34

What do you see in this guy? You have a really busy, full, satisfying life by the sounds of things and you don't need this!
If he feels forgotten about/put out and his response is to threaten to go shag someone else instead of talking with you and seeing if you can work it through it, that tells you all you need to know, never mind all the other shit he's pulled.

SwissCheeseRentedChildren · 12/01/2022 22:37

Please just block him. He’s an idiot, and you deserve much better.

PastelGiraffe · 12/01/2022 22:37

So many other comments have said all the important stuff above but since you’ve been a bit down on yourself in some of the posts, I just wanted to say that I think you sound absolutely brilliant.

You write really well. You’re articulate, caring, funny and clearly good natured. Imagine doing the cat shop! That’s so cool and interesting.

Slap on your new makeup, wear your best clothes. Do the bloody interview. Then write a book about all of this, starring a character based on yourself as the fabulous protagonist.

You are the same age as me. You’re young. You have options.

So say your piece. Drop the loser, then drop the mic. Start the rest of your life tomorrow.

You can absolutely do this and we will be cheering you on. 🥂

Ohmycron · 12/01/2022 22:37

I’m glad you’re feeling better. As far as I can see you hold lots of attractions to him and he’s just a loser. Bin him off and you be happier by yourself

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/01/2022 22:38

I think he’s telling the truth - he’s clearly not proud of the way he’s acted so tried to cover it up but I can actually see how someone might do this when they’re feeling desperate and unloved.

I think he is too. Sent a shitty message. Signed up and sent you the username as "Ner ner, I'll find someone who wants me then." And then stropped about a bit when he realised you'd not got his weird point.

Ultimately it sounds like he's not got much in his life whereas he is just one smallish part of yours. If that's not enough he should talk to you and not send the sort of messages my emo ex-boyfriend used to send on Myspace before changing his MSN messenger username to sad lyrics.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/01/2022 22:42

God, he sounds totally repulsive.

Felt a bit neglected, so he decided to torture you with cryptic messages and then claim you made him sign up? Because you haven't been giving him enough attention? And he was doing you a favour by telling you (but not telling you, so you've been worried and upset and sleepless/exhausted and distracted from an important, useful, worthy job)?

Oh, he can fuck right off with his nasty little mind games. He's thrown a tantrum because he's jealous of theoretical cats and people wanting to listen to what you have to say when you're actually making a difference.

You've got too much that's great in your life to have this utter knob trying to drag you down a few pegs. Hell, empty a full litter tray and you've done something of more worth and you'll be carrying something of more use than him.

You're great, OP. Carrying on being great and you will feel much, much happier without this manipulative, abusive bollocks being dumped on you.

Wheresthebeach · 12/01/2022 22:51

@NeverDropYourMooncup

God, he sounds totally repulsive.

Felt a bit neglected, so he decided to torture you with cryptic messages and then claim you made him sign up? Because you haven't been giving him enough attention? And he was doing you a favour by telling you (but not telling you, so you've been worried and upset and sleepless/exhausted and distracted from an important, useful, worthy job)?

Oh, he can fuck right off with his nasty little mind games. He's thrown a tantrum because he's jealous of theoretical cats and people wanting to listen to what you have to say when you're actually making a difference.

You've got too much that's great in your life to have this utter knob trying to drag you down a few pegs. Hell, empty a full litter tray and you've done something of more worth and you'll be carrying something of more use than him.

You're great, OP. Carrying on being great and you will feel much, much happier without this manipulative, abusive bollocks being dumped on you.

Nice summary
CheshireCats · 12/01/2022 22:52

Christ, just bin him off.

Juniper68 · 12/01/2022 22:55

He sounds exhausting.

Once you get him out of your system your life will be more peaceful.

Happinessislife · 12/01/2022 23:11

You seem lovely. Please try to stay strong but cry if you feel like it. This situation is a challenge right now but you will cope because clearly you are bright, resilient and caring.
It is time to channel those wonderful qualities towards yourself. And even though this may feel unnatural for a while, you can do it.
I think that the reason your thread has received many responses is entirely because people can see that you are trying so hard to do right for others. People want to help and know that you're ok. I hope you can go forwards now and know how supported you are. Things will get better.
As for your boyfriend, only you can know how best to deal with this. MH is crippling to live with, for both the person and their friendships. Some of what you have coped with over the past couple of days is an example of how crippling it can be. It's heartbreaking.
Look after yourself. Be kind to who you are, grumpy or not.

Jjjayfee · 12/01/2022 23:19

Objectively, to me, it seems you want him exactly on your terms. You have children, parents and a house but he is kept in a very specific boundaried relationship which can't become a full relationship. So he feels lonely. Perhaps you are not right for each other. Or perhaps you need to work on having a fuller relationship. He could even have sent the message because on some deeper level he wants you to know he needs more from a relationship. However, if he has mh issues, perhaps it is more than you can deal with with everything else in your life

CheekyHobson · 12/01/2022 23:27

He's now saying that because I was so "off and cold" with him this weekend and that I've been distant and ignoring him and busy for months that he felt low and desperate... and so signed onto POF (yesterday) and then deleted it (yesterday). He says he can prove this. He sent the message to me to "let me know" what he was doing. And then he felt sick, didn't talk to anyone, and deleted it.

I've had to drag this out of him though. He really wasn't making any sense before.

So you've learned that instead of communicating his feelings in an honest, vulnerable, healthy, adult way as they come up, he:

  • Festers and ruminates
  • Makes cryptic, passive-aggressive digs
  • Avoids
  • Sulks and stonewalls
  • Blames you for his actions
  • Avalanches you with criticisms
  • Lovebombs and tries to push it under the carpet

If you haven't been making him a big priority in your life, maybe it's worth stepping back and asking yourself why not. Why aren't you all that jazzed about this guy? Does your relationship with him actually feel like quite a lot of work for not all that much reward? Are you just going through the motions because you feel like letting him go is would mean something negative about you?

You honestly sound great, OP... this dude... not so much.

Bundaberg84 · 12/01/2022 23:39

@FireworkParrot

Ok so say he's telling the truth, you take him at his word. He's felt rejected and instead of talking to you like an adult instead he's:
  1. Signed up to a dating website
  2. Passive aggressively sent you his username as a threat
  3. Ignored your pleas for answers when you've said you're upset and confused
  4. Is now trying to brush everything under the carpet and is hoping you'll forget about points 1-3.

And that's the best case scenario, the other scenario is that he has messaged other women and to be honest is a much more plausible explanation for the POF username you received.

Ditch this idiot. Seriously, you don't need this hassle in your life.

This! 100x this
Lunde · 12/01/2022 23:41

This guy is totally manipulative and evasive - he is just playing games with you at this stage

Instead of speaking to you yesterday he just sent cryptic, evasive messages that didn't answer the question but were attention seeking and designed to make you feel sorry for him as he was "soooooooo sad"

Then today he is starts saying that he would never go on POF, which then changed to well errm yes he did go on POF but "deleted it" - but it doesn't matter as it's all your fault anyway and in any case he's "soooooo sad" and doesn't take any responsibility for his actions and chooses to blame you - rather than speak to you

Either was he has been on POF and sent it to you either

  1. by accident when contacting other women (most likely given the terrible excuses that took 2 days)
or
  1. deliberately sent the POF to play head games with you and probably hoping to put you back in your box (less likely as I think he would have had a better story immediately if this was planned)

The question is are you prepared to put up with someone who cheats/plays games, gaslights, blames and then gives you the sulky silent treatment?

PixieLaLa · 12/01/2022 23:51

Your worth so much more than cold spaghetti
All the best for your cat shop Flowers

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 13/01/2022 00:01

he is kept in a very specific boundaried relationship which can't become a full relationship. So he feels lonely.

The OP clearly said “He has never wanted to live with us”. She’s not keeping him in boundaries of her choosing.

lborgia · 13/01/2022 00:08

I just read the last of your posts all together, to catch up, and can I just say, I wish YOU lived next door!

Bottom line, you both agreed to the set up (doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it), and after 7 years he should say if he feeling he wants more from you/ the relationship. Reality is, whether in an idle moment, or with more intent, his answer to a solitary moment, was to go check out POF (and we'll ignore all those other sites, except we won't Hmm).

I'm sorry love, it sounds as if it worked whilst it worked, but the reality is that he is not adult enough to work through issues properly, and would rather see you distressed and thrashing around in your misery, than own up and try and fix it. I also think you put up with a lot because it was core to your whole life. Anyone who tries to tell you it's an affront to warm up spaghetti... need special handling, and not by you.

Go and be the amazing person you are. Allow yourself wallow time, sadness, but don't let it derail your otherwise spectacular plans.

lborgia · 13/01/2022 00:10

Smile "because it WASN'T core to your whole life".

LovedayCL · 13/01/2022 00:30

What he’s doing is textbook isn’t it:

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.

The thing is though, even if you were doing all those things, his reaction would be entirely inappropriate still. Those things that actually sound like a busy woman with a busy life. One who needs an equal partner who supports her, or at the very least a partner who is fun to be with vs a drain. Or, you could have both. He is neither, and in fact the opposite.

What would you tell a very lovely friend in this situation?

SmellyOldOwls · 13/01/2022 01:06

'And even if it was to teach me a lesson or draw attention to how depressed he is, it's still a cruel thing to do to someone to have me in this state.'

Exactly. You're devastated because you're not the man you thought he was - he hurt you. So he thinks what, you get back together and you feel the pressure to be warm and loving enough or else he'll cheat? Does he think that's the basis for a loving relationship?! And where does it end? You have rightly prioritised your family and your work, I take it he wants centre stage now? Honestly you have a life loads of women would kill for OP with no shitty man in the house controlling you. Don't give in and let him control you from outside the house either.

SmellyOldOwls · 13/01/2022 01:12

'He's thrown a tantrum because he's jealous of theoretical cats and people wanting to listen to what you have to say when you're actually making a difference.'

Yes the timing is not a coincidence here. He's trying to pull you down and destroy this amazing thing you have going because he sees you spreading your wings.

Myshitisreal · 13/01/2022 01:30

As you're obviously a crazy cat lady, does that mean I can post you pics of our new cat we're getting tomorrow? 😺

arcof · 13/01/2022 02:39

I think he was just (I say just) poking for a reaction. Like a really passive aggressive way of saying, you don't give me enough attention so I'm dumping you and going back online - instead he just sent you a list of his usual messages and a POF username.

I don't think the Google searches mean anything.

Anyway hope you sort it one way or another.