Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

[Mikeythecat]

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

@Frazzledmummy123

He sends random messages including a PofF username then doesn't answer his phone to you, and HE is feeling rejected? No word of how you are meant to feel in all of this . He has at the very least, asked you to forgive him which indicates there is some form of personal responsibility taken, however it also sounds like he is pushing it all on to you with his little pity party of 'poor me, I want more attention'.

I'll be honest, I think he is a self absorbed prat who doesn't deserve you. He has, and still is, making it all about himself. The worst of it is, blanking your calls after he sent the texts. Sheer attention seeking and weird behaviour from a grown man. I think I would be questioning this relationship, sorry

This.

And No, no, no to it being about his Mental Health. Think of what he has done to your mental health. Block him. Move on. Recognise that he was not the person you thought he was. Do the Freedom Programme if you feel you need a man to validate you and feel loved

I wouldn't waste anymore time on this guy, draw a line under it and move on, he's blaming you and chatting shit to wiggle his way out of his mess. If he wasn't happy in the relationship he could of talked about it with you or called it quits like a grownup instead of this game playing bullshit.

Didn't you say you'd had sex with him at the weekend? So not that cold and distant with him, eh?

This all comes across as 'I did something wrong and unkind but I'm going to make it your fault'. I don't think you deserve that shitty treatment. And I would tell him you don't appreciate being blamed for him deciding to sign up on a dating site.

This just sounds like a complete mess. The way he communicates is odd, but I can see why he feels pushed out of your life TBH. You do make it sound like he is your last priority.

I think you need to draw a line under this and end it.

Is this the best he can do? He signs up to dating agencies and/or cam sites, and transfers the blame onto you. He's playing games. These are not the actions of a mature person. As a PP said, if he had problems with the relationship, he could have discussed it in a reasonable fashion, instead of leaving you wondering about his mental health problems.

You have dependents, you have other responsibilities, for which you need to stay sane. If you can't trust him to look after himself and to communicate in a reasonable fashion when you are apart, he is not worth your time. Please don't waste your time with this lying piece of shit, you need to stay sane for your kids and for your work. He has already fucked up your work, you had to get an extended deadline.

And stop listening to Adele. Toughen your mind, get yourself strong. You are a formidable woman!

Ah nah. Ive tried giving him the benefit of the doubt with what I've been reading, but the fact he did actually join pof and sent you his username to inform you is too far. There is no excuse at all for that, other than he chose to be a dick and wanted to upset you.

What will he do next time he feels like this? I wouldnt want to hang around to find out.

Listen to fight song by Rachel someone I think. Much better than adeles depressive tones.

I'd forgotten about the cam stuff.

I don't know if I can prove it. I also saw other people with the same username without numbers and with different numbers (it's a bit of a rubbish username - like CoolMancLad or something - a bit typical). But that specific combo did come up. And only on those types of sites. But they were sites that "drag" you in. They looked like they were sites answering queries ("How do I chat up women on OK Cupid?" was one of the questions I remember) and then you click on it and it takes you to a completely different site with porn and adult content. I didn't delve much further than that. But the first HTTP addresses with the questions didn't make any sense... like www.jkhygder$/.com

I don't know if there's anyone techier than me that can explain it? Clickbait? But that username he wrote to me yesterday came up in the searches. In with a load of other usernames and random stuff. I didn't actually find him on the sites. but I don't know enough about these things.

I don't have the energy to ask. I can't go playing detectives again tonight.

It's all very upsetting. I thought we were good. I'm sad that he's been unwell in the past and I know that's not his fault, but this is all too emotional. Seven years. And me thinking we'd buy a bit of land or a little flat as a holiday place one day. And he's intelligent. And I thought he got me. :-(

What a pile of rubbish op ! Please tell me you don’t believe him ! Goes to ask the effort to sign up and does nothing and then texts you his username ( like anyone would do this , surely you’d just say - look I did something stupid and set up this Pof account, not send cryptic messages and then refuse to comment on them) he was obviously sending his username to someone to help them identify him.
It would be the end for me. As for all the gaslighting deflection back to you, just awful. Even if you were the worst girlfriend in the world, he can ask for space, break up or, you know, have a conversation! Not join POF

Seriously? You are analysing this more than it's worth. We've told you what happened - he sent you a text meant for someone else, and now he's trying to cover himself & make himself the victim so you feel sorry for him. He can't believe that you would exercise agency to dump him, so he's turning on the lovey dovey for extra emphasis. He's a cheating toad who doesn't communicate properly. There's nothing intelligent about that. We sometimes turn these men into something they are not, in our minds. Who wants to commit to someone who does this? Find your anger, OP, he is treating you so badly! Is this all you deserve? Set the bar higher!

And don't worry! Since I got rid of mine, everything has been fresher and more peaceful. There is time for nicer stuff again, I don't have to devote headspace to this sort of game-playing. You need clarity, not this crap.

Mikey, you really need to stop giving him opportunities to manipulate you. He has and is treating you with utter contempt.

Why is his disgusting behavior not a dealbreaker for you?

Right. You lot are my "Clear Thinking Army". That's what I'm calling you. You're right. I need to have a sleep and then read this thread again tomorrow because you're all much better at working this out than me and I think you're talking sense.

No more Adele. Spotify made that decision for me, by the way.

My own HOT food.

I've bought a load of new make-up today. There's a journalist coming in the morning to talk about the new shop. So I'm going to get showered and glittered up in the morning and maybe Matt Damon will see me in the paper.

No. I don't need Matt Damon. I need a break.

I wish you all lived next door! :-)

@RampantIvy

This just sounds like a complete mess. The way he communicates is odd, but I can see why he feels pushed out of your life TBH. You do make it sound like he is your last priority.

I think you need to draw a line under this and end it.

I agree that it looks like you don’t value him that much. For that reason alone I think you should end it. I think he feels forgotten about - hence his first message to you. You clearly have a lot of other things going on in your life and your daily messages do sound a bit all about you.

It’s going to be an unpopular opinion but I kind of feel sorry for him. I think he’s telling the truth - he’s clearly not proud of the way he’s acted so tried to cover it up but I can actually see how someone might do this when they’re feeling desperate and unloved.

Think how much simpler your life will be, when you don't have to keep thinking and wondering about what his texts mean! You will have more time to indulge yourself. Great about the make up! Step up on self-care - nice baths, flowers, plant things, do things that make you secure in your home now you can spend all your time rooted again. He has unrooted you with all these destabilising games.

Oh, and make sure you say a proper goodbye to him, and block him/any of his friends on everything. He is a gaslighter, he will try to twist things to get himself back into your life. Mine did this about 4 or 5 times before I gave him the proper heave ho. He has done you a favour by revealing who he really is, OP. At least you know what you're dealing with, and won't need to doubt it any longer.

This all comes across as 'I did something wrong and unkind but I'm going to make it your fault'. I don't think you deserve that shitty treatment. And I would tell him you don't appreciate being blamed for him deciding to sign up on a dating site.

^ I agree with all of that.

Nobody who loves you would have wound you up into this state, or said the the things he has said to you. It’s manipulative.

As for you not prioritising him — nah. You’re a person who works, cares for two different generations of your family, and invests energy into work on behalf of a charity. You’re super busy, yes, because you are lovely and conscientious and you care about the important stuff. And how is he responding to seeing how busy you are? Proactive support, encouragement, kindness? No, he’s (a) moping, (b) cheating, and STILL (c) making you feel like shit about not giving more of your time to him?

He can do one, quite frankly.

I recommend “Shitlist” by L7 instead of the Adele

He’s not that intelligent if his defence for getting caught trying to cheat is to admit doing it deliberately and then blame it on you.

You should dump him for being thick, apart from anything else.

^^ Absolutely agree with this Dotheyknow He's a grown up, he should know that you will put your children first, at the very least, and that you will be juggling other commitments, too. If he can't be supportive while you do that, then it's his problem. I don't buy into any crap about not prioritising him, he's a grown man. If he's not walking alongside you on your path, then it's not worth it.

Stick to your cats. At least with them you know you're their entertainment.

Ditch this idiot.

OP you sound like an absolutely wonderful person. I'm pretty sure if you had even 10% understanding of how great you are, you'd stop messing around with this bloke. I'm so sorry it's all such a headfuck. (In my mind, why POF (etc) when bored and depressed? Why not carpentry, or carp fishing?! or some other absorbing hobby that doesn't involve tits and ass?) You have so much to offer, and you're casting pearls before swine here. X

@Mikeythecat, what you're feeling right now is totally normal. You're a strong woman (yes, you are) who always has the job of looking after everyone else, including this man you've been in a relationship with. He's taken advantage of this, without you really realising, and now he's playing the hurt, confused, possibly mentally ill little boy who's sorry and needs your forgiveness.

He's not sorry - not remotely sorry. As others have said, he is and has been gaslighting you... that's a very confusing place to be in but it is not your fault. None of this is your fault, try as he will to twist all the blame on to you.

Please, take it from someone who has been here recently - firmly end it, and then sever all ties with him. Block him, don't engage with his family, just walk away. It will hurt like hell for a little while, but I am certain that it won't hurt for as long as you think it's going to. What you're grieving is the promise of a relationship and future together, and the potential of a man, that was never going to materialise.

Don't let his gaslighting infiltrate your brain and knock your confidence. You're a single mum raising teenagers and you're caring for your parents who live with you. Of course he isn't going to be your top priority all of the time, and any decent human being would understand that. You deserve far, far better than this - and far better means living happily in your own company as well as entering a better relationship at some point in the future.

Without trying to sound like a massive cliché, YOU are the person you need. You've already proved that to everyone else in working, raising your children, and caring for your parents. Now you just need to prove it to yourself. I promise, you can do this

@Mikeythecat I've finally read the whole thread. DH and I have been married almost 20 years. He knows that I see my parents daily to check in with them. It's a given. I don't make any apology for it and he would never suggest that it should be any other way. He knew that's who he was marrying, and if he didn't want to be involved in his in-laws lives, he needed to find someone else.

What I'm saying is, don't apologise for doing what you've always done and made clear you always would do. The right man would love you for it.

I hope you get some rest

Good luck OP I admire the strength you have in your reaction to all this, I also think you sound like a lovely, caring person x

OP, he did this to you after 7 years as some kind of tantrum, and then you have to drag an explanation out of him. You sound like you're done with him. I don't blame you.

You sound like a lot is going on. He would know this, but he couldn't give you space to get it sorted because he's sad and instead goes on a dating site and then sends you messages about it.

No one needs this shit. Don't let him gaslight you. Good luck with the shop.

OK so I'm catching up with this and I'm like WTF?! He wouldn't LET YOU?! heat up the spaghetti and I would bet he stole the tablet.so he could blame you. He's an absolute needy fucker of a user. And yes, it is gaslighting.

Ok so say he's telling the truth, you take him at his word. He's felt rejected and instead of talking to you like an adult instead he's:

1. Signed up to a dating website
2. Passive aggressively sent you his username as a threat
3. Ignored your pleas for answers when you've said you're upset and confused
4. Is now trying to brush everything under the carpet and is hoping you'll forget about points 1-3.

And that's the best case scenario, the other scenario is that he has messaged other women and to be honest is a much more plausible explanation for the POF username you received.

Ditch this idiot. Seriously, you don't need this hassle in your life.