Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

[Mikeythecat]

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

@betwixtlives

I’d be worried if my boyfriend of 7 years started texting me weird robotic nonsensical messages. Aren’t you?

Yes, me too. Unless he had past form e.g. cheating/dubious internet activity etc, my first feeling would be that there was something wrong with him (as opposed to 'with him and me') or that his devices had been hacked or stolen.

I'd be sincerely worried. Not answering the phone but sending weird messages like that is either someone has stolen the phone or he is having a breakdown.

I still don't understand why you haven't just gone round to his house?

Agree with others, if he style of texting is different from usual then I would be questioning wether it’s him at all or if he’s unwell?

You have been together 7 years so only you know wether this is completely out of character? If it is then why can’t you go to his house to see if everything is ok? Worse case scenario is that he’s ending things or has cheated but it maybe something completely different?

How had people gaged he sounds like he is having a mental health crises

He can reply as though nothing has happened while also telling the op he feels sad but not answer a question

The op knows him she knows he is not being truthful

It’s spectacularly unhelpful to pepper the OP with questions in a challenging tone when you haven’t read the thread or even just her own (easily searchable in moments) replies.

She couldn’t go round because, as she has already been asked many times and explained, he’s not local to her and she had (1) her kids and her elderly parents at home, all of whom she cares for, and (2) a work deadline to meet.

@Mikeythecat

Good morning everyone. I got to sleep at 4.30. :-( A bit headachey this morning, but I have to sort out the kids, animals etc. in the morning, so I've not had time to think about it.

Last night was hard though. My mind was racing and I was very weepy. I just kept imagining him with other women. Awful.

I think I'm quite immature in the ways of romance. Two long-term relationships. I've never really been on the dating scene or had casual sex. I believe in love. Or want to. I do need to get a grip somewhere along the line.

Thinking of hiding my phone from myself today. I'll ask if he wants to meet up and talk about it at the weekend (maybe), but I want out of the romantic side of this relationship now. I can envisage maybe being friends in the future because I don't wish him ill or anything. I know he has MH issues. I'm close with his family. He's close with mine. But if I forgive this, it would just give him carte blanche to carry on, but be more careful. It's done.

Right, I'm having baguette toast now.

My exciting project is underway this month! It involves lots of other people, so I'll be surrounded by friends. We're renovating a big building and turning it into a charity shop. This is probably very outing if anyone on here knows me, but nevermind! Got a lot to do! I'll throw myself into that.

You've made me cry a bit this morning with your kindness. Thank you. :-)

but I want out of the romantic side of this relationship now. I can envisage maybe being friends in the future

It sounds to me as if you've mentally put him in the 'friend zone' already. And that's fine. But if that is so, then I wouldn't bother pursuing the 'what and why' of his weird messages. Chances are you aren't going to get a straight answer, or one that satisfies you at any rate. So why bother? Make him 'just a friend' and leave it at that.

I've never really been on the dating scene or had casual sex. I believe in love

I've never been one for casual sex, either. Where my body has gone, my heart has always seemed to follow, sometimes quite unwisely and to my detriment. If you can control your heart to keep him just a friend and have the strength to keep to a platonic relationship then do so. But if you don't feel you can keep things on a platonic level or he keeps trying to get you back into bed, it may be best to just break off completely.

but I want out of the romantic side of this relationship now. I can envisage maybe being friends in the future

Maybe he knew you wanted out before you did @Mikeythecat
.
Im not excusing what he did but for a 7 year relationship it didnt seem to be going anywhere.

You have teens in a house with your parents,you could have gone to see if he was ok.The amount of time you spent on here you would have been over and back about 10 times.

I think you didnt have time to give to him but you didnt want to be alone.

Any updates OP?

The latest is that he's "very sorry".

He said he felt "sad and desperate and rejected".

He's not "looking elsewhere".

He has "proof" that he hasn't spoken to anyone on POF and he'll show me next time he sees me, but I have to "please believe him in the meantime".

He "hopes I can forgive him".

He "hasn't written to anyone else for years".

He's "told me now why he did it".

Because he was "sad and desperate and lonely".

He "doesn't feel guilty for NOT speaking to someone".

That's the gist of it.

I've tried to pinpoint him down to why he wrote those SPECIFIC words to me. But he just keeps saying that he's told me "three times already".

We're going around in circles. I've said that the explanation just doesn't make sense to me. Was it a threat? A cryptic clue? Or a slip-up? There aren't a lot of options, but his explanation doesn't tell me WHY he wrote "POF plus his username" and sent it to me.

This is all via text because there are too many people around tonight.

I'm not going to get anywhere. He also writes quite a lot about all the things that I do wrong. I don't phone him, I don't see him enough, I'm grumpy at his house, I don't like his food, I've lost something he gave me (a tablet - and I have lost it - I can't find it anywhere), I work when I go to his house... I'm cold.

And then he flounces off a couple of times as well, saying "Bye".

Is this gaslighting? I don't really know what gaslighting is, but I feel like this might be what it is? Shifting the blame to me? Trying to make me feel unreasonable?

He's not answering my last message, where I say again that his explanations make no sense to me. I've said that I can accept some of the things he's said about me. I'm not blameless. I can be grumpy when I'm given really cold spaghetti. This is true. I have lost that tablet. I do work some weekends. I do tend to avoid the phone because there are so many people around here and little privacy. But I avoid the phone with everyone, not just him.

I've tried to help him in so many ways. I ask him a lot of questions, I buy him gifts, I keep in touch with his family (for him - because he's pretty bad at it), I've helped him decorate his flat, I do all the driving when we go places, I've supported him with his doctors and some career issues he had because of it.

Anyway, he thinks he's given me an adequate explanation. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm being picky? But I still don't get why he would type in those words... into his phone... and then send them to me.

I think you know what has gone on. He is gaslighting you as well as trying to control and threaten you. You're giving him too much head space.

Sorry for the sodding essay.

It must be getting a bit boring for you all now! The drama of it. Spaghetti and tablets! The plot thickens!

I think I'm going to try to have an early night. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm really fed up.

@Mikeythecat

The latest is that he's "very sorry".

He said he felt "sad and desperate and rejected".

He's not "looking elsewhere".

He has "proof" that he hasn't spoken to anyone on POF and he'll show me next time he sees me, but I have to "please believe him in the meantime".

He "hopes I can forgive him".

He "hasn't written to anyone else for years".

He's "told me now why he did it".

Because he was "sad and desperate and lonely".

He "doesn't feel guilty for NOT speaking to someone".

That's the gist of it.

I've tried to pinpoint him down to why he wrote those SPECIFIC words to me. But he just keeps saying that he's told me "three times already".

We're going around in circles. I've said that the explanation just doesn't make sense to me. Was it a threat? A cryptic clue? Or a slip-up? There aren't a lot of options, but his explanation doesn't tell me WHY he wrote "POF plus his username" and sent it to me.

This is all via text because there are too many people around tonight.

I'm not going to get anywhere. He also writes quite a lot about all the things that I do wrong. I don't phone him, I don't see him enough, I'm grumpy at his house, I don't like his food, I've lost something he gave me (a tablet - and I have lost it - I can't find it anywhere), I work when I go to his house... I'm cold.

And then he flounces off a couple of times as well, saying "Bye".

Is this gaslighting? I don't really know what gaslighting is, but I feel like this might be what it is? Shifting the blame to me? Trying to make me feel unreasonable?

He's not answering my last message, where I say again that his explanations make no sense to me. I've said that I can accept some of the things he's said about me. I'm not blameless. I can be grumpy when I'm given really cold spaghetti. This is true. I have lost that tablet. I do work some weekends. I do tend to avoid the phone because there are so many people around here and little privacy. But I avoid the phone with everyone, not just him.

I've tried to help him in so many ways. I ask him a lot of questions, I buy him gifts, I keep in touch with his family (for him - because he's pretty bad at it), I've helped him decorate his flat, I do all the driving when we go places, I've supported him with his doctors and some career issues he had because of it.

Anyway, he thinks he's given me an adequate explanation. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm being picky? But I still don't get why he would type in those words... into his phone... and then send them to me.

Yes, it's gaslighhting - but also, you don't really need more info than this. It's drawing you in. Who cares? He's a cheating arsehole. Mine did the same, did weird behaviours like this, making me believe he was in cognitive decline of some sort, then disappeared, then when he realised I could see through his bullshit, he came back and said he wanted to end things. I realise now that he was attempting a cowardly way out.

Block his sorry arse. Cut contact. This man will never be an adequate friend to you. Don't waste any more energy on him, you will go round in circles. Just block and get rid. You have your answers, he did it because he's a cheating coward who can't be fucked to give you any emotionally mature explanation.

It doesn't sound like you're going to get any sense from him, let alone what you want to hear. He's deliberately evading your questions instead of giving you a straight answer and relying on you giving up and turning a blind eye.
Maybe he hasn't realised that you have choices and the agency to make a decision that this shit isn't good enough for you, no matter what lies behind it. He's got frustrations with you, it must be difficult not being able to contact you for days on end (not sure why you cant leave the teens and your parents to it for an evening, but that's your choice) and it sounds like you've got yours with him. Call it a day.

I don't think it even matters whether he's been messaging someone else. The constant avoiding of your question, the apologising (for what?) but not admitting to wrongdoing etc is not a relationship worth pursuing, cheating or not. It reminds me of a child who cries when they get in trouble to try and gain sympathy and deflect from what they did. I'm sorry though

I dont know. If he's not the type you'd expect to cheat and be looking elsewhere, but does have MH issues. I think it could be a case of him struggling with his MH right now and feeling a bit lonely and rejected by you. Even going as far as trying to get attention through desperate measures such as the POF text.
Through no fault of yours, it's the set up you both have had for 7 years. But if his MH is at a low, then those issues might be highlighted as big neon signs above his head right now.

None of this makes how he has behaved acceptable, but maybe a bit more understandable.

Since you know him best you probably know the most likely case, be that cheating or MH.

What do you want the next steps to be? Are you wanting to end it, or are you hoping you can hash it out with a face to face?

Yes, gaslighting. And now you recognise it, please never go back. You've told it exactly as it has unfolded in the last couple of days. That in itsself is unforgivable as he is totally fucking with your mind. But you've also said he is nerdy and weird in other ways (disclaimer, I'm a nerd, but I don't fuck with people via text or otherwise)

If you look back over your relationship, you'll likely remember other weird bits.

If not, then the username linked to hook up sites really has to be the final nail in the coffin.

Don't stay around. Don't talk it through with him as some have said he deserves. Just run. And appreciate all you have in life. He was never the person you thought he was.

Signed: fat 50 year old who is now happier than she has ever been as she is single and doesn't have to decipher Mens shit.

Good luck with your charity project. It sounds fab. As do you 💜

He hasn’t even bothered to try and give some half baked story - just like someone said above, hoping you’ll just let it slide! Audacious move but one in which he must think he holds the power. Fuck him off OP you deserve better than being treated with such little regard!

He sends random messages including a PofF username then doesn't answer his phone to you, and HE is feeling rejected? No word of how you are meant to feel in all of this . He has at the very least, asked you to forgive him which indicates there is some form of personal responsibility taken, however it also sounds like he is pushing it all on to you with his little pity party of 'poor me, I want more attention'.

I'll be honest, I think he is a self absorbed prat who doesn't deserve you. He has, and still is, making it all about himself. The worst of it is, blanking your calls after he sent the texts. Sheer attention seeking and weird behaviour from a grown man. I think I would be questioning this relationship, sorry

He's now saying that because I was so "off and cold" with him this weekend and that I've been distant and ignoring him and busy for months that he felt low and desperate... and so signed onto POF (yesterday) and then deleted it (yesterday). He says he can prove this. He sent the message to me to "let me know" what he was doing. And then he felt sick, didn't talk to anyone, and deleted it.

I've had to drag this out of him though. He really wasn't making any sense before.

He can't really prove he didn't talk to anyone though, can he? And even if it was to teach me a lesson or draw attention to how depressed he is, it's still a cruel thing to do to someone to have me in this state.

And now he's sending all lovey-dovey messages and hoping I sleep well and will I please go back to his house and he'll make hot food and we'll have a bath and blah, blah, blah. He'll never have anyone in his flat except me.... Blah.

Mind fuck. I really need to hide my phone a bit better tomorrow. I need a breather. I'm 43. I can do without this.

I also think I listened to a bit too much Adele today. Her lyrics don't help anyone!

There's some truth in what he says. I don't prioritize him. Or I don't give him a big enough part of myself. But there was no need for all this. And it could just be a convenient excuse. It's just taken him a while to come up with it. He's maybe banking on making up with me before I ask for the proof. Or that I'll forget about it. Why not send screenshots of his emails to me now? Oh, it's all getting a bit ridiculous now. I've never known anything like it.

You sound like a fabulous lady with a lot going on in your life

Don’t waste your time on this fool. Don’t let him blame you.

I know seven years is a long time but - meh - you’re done with him surely.

Early night maybe and a bath

Come on, if he feels he doesn't get what he's looking for in a relationship from you then he should have said something like "Mikey, I'm concerned were not quite on the same page. I'd like a bit more contact and I feel like you're distant - is this working for you? Is there anything we can do to improve things for both of us?". You know, like a grown up. What he did was spiteful and intentionally unkind but he's trying to pass it off as a sad puppy-dog response to feeling neglected. Don't fall for it. You. deserve. better. Please don't settle for this rubbish.

He’s had ages to come up with an excuse and the best he can to I know is to blame you and make his shitty behaviour all your fault.

What’s his excuse for his same username showing on seven other cam sites then?

In fact don’t waste your time asking.

Tell him to fuck off.

And I've really tried to include him in the cat shop. He came and helped me move furniture and stuff last week. He adopted one of our cats last week as well! We went to the vet and she had an op on her teeth and I bought him all the stuff he'd need for her. That was on Wednesday. So I wasn't so much of a cold girlfriend then that he needed to join POF.

On Saturday, I was a bit grumpy about the spaghetti. I asked if I could heat it up and he didn't want me to. It took ages to make and I was a bit hangry with him.

We went to his parents a couple of weeks ago. Just before the new year. Big family meal. I always take flowers or a plant and a bottle of wine for them. Everything was fine there.

I’m sure everything was fine. Don’t doubt yourself. He’s lying through his teeth.

Please @Mikeythecat please stop doing this to yourself. You are allowing yourself to be gaslit and tied in knots by someone who is just not worth it. What do you actually get out of this relationship? Sex and a change of scenery? You are worth so much more than that.