Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

581 replies

Mikeythecat · 11/01/2022 16:48

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
mjf981 · 12/01/2022 00:45

I think your assumption/explanation is spot on OP. I'm so sorry Sad

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 12/01/2022 01:28

I know it’s not the main thing as far as this thread is concerned but I’m so relieved for you that you’ve met your work deadline and you can kind of let that specific bit of your brain rest for now. Well done, honestly.

It’s so much better that you found out what he’s like, even though it must feel awful. He’s a shit for treating you this way.

Dasher789 · 12/01/2022 01:32

You deserve better op Flowers

WhatToDo1988 · 12/01/2022 03:50

So sorry, OP. That's shit behaviour on his part, I'd feel so hurt and confused and frustrated. It's awful. You can get over this, you' ve had plenty of good times together, maybe it's just run its course and it is time to move on.

Bloomers58 · 12/01/2022 05:27

Good for you OP I recently came out of a very very long relationship. It is SO.hard to cut the ties and settle into being single but my god when you finally manage it and realise you're ok on your own, it feels good. You've got this.

Bloomers58 · 12/01/2022 05:33

The sooner you can be explicit with him it's over the better. I suggest you he the grown up, tell him you're not happy about how you were treated yesterday, ask him to come to you (important) and talk nearby in a park or something. My guess is he.wont come and he will end it by text before you get the chance if you suggest that. He sounds like a sneaky coward. But either way you don't have to go out of your way for him.

Bloomers58 · 12/01/2022 05:34

Be, not he

Alondra · 12/01/2022 06:03

You are going to feel a bit manic for a few days. You are in the early stages of grieving for the end of the relationship and feels awful.

I just read the whole thread and you've been spot on bexplaining his weird texts from the beginning. He knows he's been found out - answering "I'm sad" to direct questions is pathetic.

You are one hell of a common sense woman. You have your house, your kids, have a full time job and are fully financially independent and will not change this independence for any man.

Kudos to you mate, you deserve them.

WeaverofWords · 12/01/2022 06:03

OP I’ve come out of something similar. A man with poor boundaries who was emotionally immature & communicated like this. In the end the mysterious ways and unclear texts, along with the distance and his absconding whenever suited him, got to me.

You have - it sounds like - exciting projects, friends, a family to juggle with work, and a home to run. If you choose a partner, you need one who will support these activities, and who will walk along side you, not one who blocks your path all the time. This man is, at best, an emotionally stunted arsehole with fuzzy boundaries. You will be so much happier & anxiety-free without his pathetic ways.

Well done for spotting his crap & not putting up with it! Felling sad… tsk!!!!

WeaverofWords · 12/01/2022 06:06

Meant to add, in your finishing with him, make sure you have firm boundaries. Cut ties, block him and his friends so you can move on. A man like this is likely to come back for round II, or to her his friends to mai you think you haven’t given him enough chances. He will portray himself as the victim and you as heartless. Draw very firm boundaries, so you can’t be messed around with.

WeaverofWords · 12/01/2022 06:07

*to get his friends to make you

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 06:10

Cheating is cheating
Being on internet dating sites when you are in LTR with someone is cheating or trying to cheat

Regardless of having MH problems, it's still cheating

Why don't you take up offer of some PPs on here who have said they'd check POF for you. If you give them area and his username he sent, they can search pof for you
Then you'll know

Regardless he's being strange
An innocent partner would have an explanation he would be desperate to show you. He hasn't because he's been caught

So if you don't want to search pof then I'd read those texts as proof he's a cheater or setting up to cheat. Either way he's not in this as an exclusive relationship between you two

Fat and forty? Grin Join the club giiiirl !! Grin... you know what us fat and forties still have lovely boyfriends/ girlfriends WinkGrin (who may also be fat and forty or fat and skinny ..) and none of us deserve to be cheated on or manipulated! Younger 'beautiful people' don't have the monopoly on good relationships!

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/01/2022 06:23

Just diving in OP to say that being sad a relationship ended doesn't mean you've compromised your feminist principles. It's not about "needing a man" - you're feeling upset because it looks as if someone you love has betrayed you, and the relationship is probably over.

Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't have feelings. And if anything, I think you've shown what a strong woman you are by facing this head on and refusing to be swayed by his attempted diversions.

Please keep talking to us. You have lots of support here Flowers

MsDogLady · 12/01/2022 06:25

I am so sorry, Mikey. He has massively let you down.

He has clearly been on the prowl, but got careless with his messaging. Even in the face of your distress, he is proving just how much of a lying, cowardly snake he really is. His ‘I’m so sad’ is pure manipulation that makes a mockery of you.

You and he created this relationship and its parameters, and you’ve had every reason to believe that all was well. If he had any issues, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them. Instead, he chose infidelity and disloyalty. You are not responsible for his unethical behavior.

Mikey, you are a woman of strength and substance. Better to be single than to settle for this cheat and swallow the shit sandwiches he will serve you covered in flowers and poems. Flowers

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 12/01/2022 06:25

Never mind fat and forties, you are female & fabulous. Living with your folks means you have a built in support network - there are lots of positives here so don't let an a'hole with a penchant for cryptic messaging & lurking on online dating or hookup sites bring you down. Life is too short

workingtheusername · 12/01/2022 06:50

Can't you phone him have a proper conversation all messaging is confusing!

newyearBear · 12/01/2022 06:53

It's a rubbish situation op but you will get through it and one day be grateful that it's all been exposed and didn't drag on any longer.

Cakeandcardio · 12/01/2022 06:54

Just catching up here and saw you had put yourself down a couple of times. Just wanted to say you sound like you are doing an amazing job looking after everyone in your life. You've put your kids before your man which is not easy but so.important! And you are better off without this wee weirdo!!!!!!!

TopCatsTopHat · 12/01/2022 06:56

Morning op. So glad you got your work done despite everything and hope your read-through this morning goes OK to submit it.
I've read your posts and have to say my respect for you was going up with every one. You're a force. That doesn't mean you feel like you are, or don't have all the inner turmoil going on, but you're quality and I just wanted to tell you that.

Always28 · 12/01/2022 06:59

Morning. Just a message to say I hope you’re ok and managed to get some sleep. Mornings and evenings are the worst when you’re dealing with these sort of feelings. You’ll be ok. Keep yourself busy. You 100 percent deserve to be with someone much better than he’s showing himself to be. Sending lots of positive thoughts and support to you!

Beautiful3 · 12/01/2022 07:07

Honestly it sounds like he texted another woman. She's asked who's this and he's sent his user name. But sent I to you by mistake! This is the only logical explanation, sorry. Is it worth making a fake account to see if his username is on hook up!dating sites etc?

Username20222022 · 12/01/2022 07:18

He just sounds like a bored weirdo.
Sending cryptic messages.
"I'm very sad" and "how may I help you?"

Really just a weird little person. You say you'll get flowers and poetry?
Sounds very dramatic and if it's not mental health then he may just be a weirdy wanker type of person.
They prey in insecure people. You're telling us you feel stressed and ill and not surprised really because this isn't a normal set of messages.
Is he a bit bored so wants to spice things up by agitating you with some weird mind game crap?
Who knows.
More importantly..wh cares.

Get rid.

TheChip · 12/01/2022 07:22

I'm wondering if he knew you had the deadline and was trying to sabotage it in someway.

Thhhhheeeeelong · 12/01/2022 07:22

I really wouldn't accept this behaviour. He needs to talk to you on the phone and explain himself. All of this cryptic messaging and not talking is not acceptable particularly if you are upset. I would send him a message telling him this and also tell him that you expect a level of respect therefore would like him to answer your phone calls. You are in your 40's not your 20's (not that this is acceptable ever).

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 07:23

Sorry OP forgot to ask how you are feeling this morning?

It sounds like a rotten day yesterday

You have a life and house already with DCs and your parents and luckily don't log with this flakey bf. Very lucky he isn't your "everything". He's just an idiot.

Agree with others, he's dodgy - "I was sad" my arse! What he meant was "I'm a cheater and was feeling horny & am messaging other women behind your back. Am hoping you drop it cos ..you know .. "mental health" ... so I get to be a cheating douche anytime I want"