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Original poster

Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

581 replies

Mikeythecat · 11/01/2022 16:48

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

OP posts:
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6
Kazz36 · 11/01/2022 22:46

His phone could be hacked.. It could have been stolen.. Possibly another woman has managed to send you the messages on his phone ..
There are so many different scenarios, that it could be which are all very upsetting.
The best bet is to confront him. Go to his house, see what's going on and talk to him. Otherwise you will drive your self nuts. There could be a very reasonable explanation. 💐

JabNotInArm · 11/01/2022 22:51

OP I don't think googling usernames will tell you whether they have accounts on hookup websites. Do they come up as sponsored links (in little boxes along the side or top of the page) or just in the list of results?

FortunesFave · 11/01/2022 22:53

@Kazz36

His phone could be hacked.. It could have been stolen.. Possibly another woman has managed to send you the messages on his phone .. There are so many different scenarios, that it could be which are all very upsetting. The best bet is to confront him. Go to his house, see what's going on and talk to him. Otherwise you will drive your self nuts. There could be a very reasonable explanation. 💐
Her kids are in bed and he's a drive away so she can't, she's already said that.
Chattycatty · 11/01/2022 22:54

There isn't another explanation otherwise he'd tell you. Balls to him you sayyou're a fat single parent who lives with her parents but you are not going to let a silly man child try and gaslight you with boo hoo tales of mental health issues.

ElectraBlue · 11/01/2022 22:56

Have you thought about the possibility that someone else has got hold of his phone?

Because to me it sounds like they could be sending you a warning that he is on POF, that the mystery sender met him that way and has now realised he has a girlfriend...

I would simply give him a call to check what is happening and ask if/why he sent you these messages.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2022 22:59

Lovely, you have enough going on in your life as it is. You don't need someone with as much baggage as he appears to have, POF issue or not.

When someone starts causing us this much stress and worry it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

RantyAunty · 11/01/2022 23:00

I would just go over to his as soon as your work is done and find out what is going on.

Your DC are teens and your parents seem to be mobile.

Lennon80 · 11/01/2022 23:00

Sounds very dodgy to me - ‘I’m sad’ - no explanation or even denying he sent it. Sounds like it was a mistake that he sent it to you. He does sound rather odd and you sound totally normal and strong! I reckon he’s punching with you felt what it’s worth.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 11/01/2022 23:04

POF is ‘Plenty of Fish’. A dating site.

It’s an affair/he’s shagging around (or at least trying to). 100%.

Zero hesitation - it’s time for his P45. He’s not even being sufficiently careful to hide/conceal it from you.

Preeeettyprettygood · 11/01/2022 23:05

Tbh OP, I couldn't put up with this crap. I know that's probably not helpful and what you'd like to hear but you should not be having to worry about this. Its easy for him to say "I'm just sad" but really, he's not actually said anything has he?

Preeeettyprettygood · 11/01/2022 23:05

And I completely agree with @AcrossthePond55 !!

immersivereader · 11/01/2022 23:10

You're better off well rid, op.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 11/01/2022 23:15

The comments about some sort of cryptic behaviour about trying to make it look like he might go back on POFare utter bollox.

Us chaps don’t think like that. He’s chasing someone else - particularly as 7 years is known to be a danger point for relationships.

As a guy - my guess is that he’s bored of you but that he doesn’t want to finish with you as you’re useful for something (either emotionally, amusement, or just reasonably easy sex)…and that’ll continue up until he finds someone else.

How do I know this…? Standard behaviour - I was exactly the same when I was a lot younger and before meeting my wife (who I absolutely adore, and can’t even countenance the idea of being anything resembling unfaithful to…before anyone gets narky about what the current me is like!!).

Bloomers58 · 11/01/2022 23:17

@Mikeythecat do you have a daughter? Do whatever you'd tell her to do if someone treated her this way. And let her know that's what you've done if she is old enough to understand. This isn't your fault. Your arrangement worked for you because of your circumstances and it worked for him because he's a prick. You've done nothing wrong and you're obviously a very kind and intelligent person with bucket loads of strength to look after two parents and kids alone with a full time job. Arrange to see a friend this weekend, or plan some time for yourself. You'll be ok. Focus on the love you have in your life. Your kids and your folks and your friends.

Bobinov · 11/01/2022 23:17

Just read through this entire thread. Firstly, the way he is acting seems totally off key and not how somebody who is happy in a relationship would be acting. The reality sounds like it may be that he’s had enough but isn’t brave enough or emotionally mature enough to talk to you about it. Whilst it might be hard to stop it seems as if there’s plenty of issues here. It seems really surprising to me that your relationship hasn’t progressed beyond boyfriend and girlfriend at your age and the time you’ve been apart. It sounds like you have a very particular view of how your relationship should be and seem pretty immovable on certain aspects of the way you live. You said you’d never share finances or live together. These sound like very hard boundaries you’ve formed around yourself and your life. He may be pushing away from you because he doesn’t feel able to discuss that these boundaries aren’t working for him. There isn’t anything wrong with you deciding to live with your parents but as someone else pointed out that situation wouldn’t be for everyone. You said you spend time together at weekends. Is that usually at his place? How much space at your parents place is there for your relationship. A lot of what you’ve told us sounds like there is only limited space for your relationship together, him saying he is lonely may actually be a way of saying he needs more from what you have together. Although it sounds as if he is already on dating sites looking to move on. None of it sounds very healthy. In regard to you feeling worried about your prospects in the future outside of this relationship, this is absolutely not a reason to stay with someone when the cracks are so obvious. Also you seem like you have your life together with work, family and you’re able to communicate well, this is certainly not the only person for you. To conclude, I think understanding where he might be emotionally and what he actually needs may help you fix this if you want to, however it sounds like his immaturity and inability to communicate what that might be alongside the fact it would appear he is using dating sites make the prospect of that less than appealing.

Create a log in for POF with a new email address if you want to find out for sure. It doesn’t sound like you’ll get much honesty out of him.

Bloomers58 · 11/01/2022 23:18

And let any sons you have know too!

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 11/01/2022 23:19

If only people would just read even a bit of the thread before weighing in with their perky hot takes.

Dillidalli · 11/01/2022 23:42

I think it’s exactly as you think it is. Sending you POF 30 (or whatever) and then saying he did it because he’s sad, that makes no sense at all. He’s trying to get you to feel sorry for him so you don’t keep asking him about that one message.

Tdcp · 11/01/2022 23:49

Yeah I'm inclined to agree that it's exactly how you think it is. I've dealt with many a manipulating, cheating twat in my time and I would be shocked to my core if you've got it wrong.

Fluenty · 12/01/2022 00:01

Oh my god
This is not a way for people in their forties to communicate
Ignore you all day then send weird cryptic messages. Including a pof username
Even that first message and you assumed he was being arsey
I would assume dh was joking to get it all in now because I’m so busy, so hes condensing it to ‘help’ me
Not in a million years would I assume that message meant that he was in a mood

Which implies your communication is already a bit crap

Really sounds like you have enough on your plate already.

Is there some mental health crisis do you think? Other wise

Sack.him.off

OhWhyNot · 12/01/2022 00:11

Please stop torturing yourself

He isn’t being nice he is causing you confusion and for you to doubt yourself

He will come forward with some explanation that you can chose to believe if you want to but you know what he is up to

I’ve heard so many similar sorrows and and been on the receiving end of this sort of treatment and never ever once have I heard it’s all an innocent explanation phone got hacked etc but I have heard my friends trying to convince themselves

OhWhyNot · 12/01/2022 00:12

*similar stories

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 12/01/2022 00:26

You deserve better than this, OP. I have no advice to give, but remember you are keeping the show on the road, holding down a job,, bringing up children, looking after parents, You have a full and responsible life.

It sounds as if his life is rather empty other than with you. But if he’s seeing other women, you have no way of knowing if he’s using condoms. So he may be putting you at risk of STIs.

I hope things work out well for you.

Original poster
Mikeythecat · 12/01/2022 00:29

Thank you all so much. He texted "Hope all is well. Did you meet your deadline. Night night." to me.

I managed to finish my work. I'll have to read it through first thing. I wasn't exactly focused.

He's avoided my question. So, I'll just not respond. I've asked him to explain it. All I got was "I'm very sad".

I've got good friends and a lot to keep me busy (good, positive, exciting plans that I'm doing).

My heart is really burning with anxiety tonight though. I'll never sleep. I feel so so awful. So anxious. I've hardly ever been single in my life. It's as if I need to know someone (male) loves me. I wish I was a better feminist. I let myself down.

I'll spring clean, declutter, get stuck into my exciting project, go on a bit of a health kick, read, work, see friends. I can do this.

I'll probably get flowers and poetry. It's his style. But I know what I know now.

I feel a bit manic.
You've all been lovely (most of you! :-)). Thank you for helping through this evening. It's really helped.

OP posts:
ZettaaY · 12/01/2022 00:44

Good for you op with that plan, you deserve so much more than him.

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