Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

[Mikeythecat]

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

And now I'm thinking "if I was prettier, thinner, had more time... he wouldn't have done this".

Look up at how many celebrity women get cheated on - they’re gorgeous, have incredible bodies, loads of time, money and fame - yet they still get cheated on.

This isn’t a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of him.

You sound very intelligent and independent.
You don’t actually NEED a partner, which is refreshing to read after so many MN threads about women relying on men.

You need to realise that he is so incredibly lucky to find a women like you and he has to also realise that (which he will eventually) and come begging for forgiveness and be honest about everything.

If he’s using POF it’s probably something he does regular with other sites too especially with him coming up in the search under his user name 🚩.
You can hide your profile on POF so you won’t be guaranteed to find him if he is on there?

help.pof.com/hc/en-us/articles/360055330051-Hiding-and-Unhiding-Your-Profile

I really hope you get proper answers soon. This is so unfair on you.

He definitely sounds like he's trying to cover something up!

I'm not sure the POF reference is a message he sent to the wrong person, though it could be... My first thought was that it's a "threat", meaning, "I'm feeling neglected, and if you don't pay more attention to me, I'm going to find someone else who will!" The petulant, "Can I help you?" also plays into that, imo, almost like you're strangers with so little interaction that he's treating you with exaggerated formality and coolness. That's how I read it, but it makes less sense if he hasn't raised this (not getting enough attention) with you before, or if there wasn't something that happened very recently where he obviously might have felt ignored...

Hope you get this sorted. OP

@Mikeythecat

The thing is... all this doesn't do my self-esteem much good. I was in a shitty relationship for 13 years. I'm fat. In my 40s. I live with my parents. I'm a single parent. I can't even imagine ever wanting to meet anyone else. I thought we had an ok little set-up to be honest. My life is fairly atypical. My job... my work... where I live. None of it lends itself to meeting new people. I can't even imagine it. And I have to hold it all together and look like I know what I'm doing all the time. And now I'm thinking "if I was prettier, thinner, had more time... he wouldn't have done this". I feel weak. And like I just want him to tell me it's all a big joke.

Off the main point, but is there any reason why you and your kids live with your parents? I could never stand that, it would drive me homicidal, and I am very close to my mum. Conversely I could never be in a relationship where I was in love and wanting to spend as much time as possible with someone and not live with them. That would be sheer torture.

The fact it’s his original POF username but with the new area addition (have I got that right?) makes it seem even more suspicious. Not that it wasn’t already unforgivably suspicious.

Could you look for him on Tinder etc?

Also - he doesn’t seem to give a shit that you’re stressed and sad?

You can do better. A lot better. Maybe the reason you’re not feeling great about yourself is because of… him?

@Mikeythecat

The thing is... all this doesn't do my self-esteem much good. I was in a shitty relationship for 13 years. I'm fat. In my 40s. I live with my parents. I'm a single parent. I can't even imagine ever wanting to meet anyone else. I thought we had an ok little set-up to be honest. My life is fairly atypical. My job... my work... where I live. None of it lends itself to meeting new people. I can't even imagine it. And I have to hold it all together and look like I know what I'm doing all the time. And now I'm thinking "if I was prettier, thinner, had more time... he wouldn't have done this". I feel weak. And like I just want him to tell me it's all a big joke.

Sometimes its hard if you are different to others. That doesnt mean that you or your life is any worse than others. You can organize your life the way it suits you and your family. Its perfectly to live with your parents. You are good as you are!

I think he's sent it to me by mistake. It was meant for another woman. He was telling her whose number it was.

Does this make sense to anyone else? Maybe I'm not explaining it properly.

This kind of scenario:

Hi!

Who is this? I don't have your number in my phone?

POF Username39

Then he realises he's sent it to me by mistake. He ignores me all day, won't pick up the phone, sends cryptic messages and now, to get out of it, is using his MH issues to try to wriggle out of it.

It makes sense to me, I interpreted it in exactly the same way.

Like others have said, you can't search for people by username anymore on PoF unless you're a paying member.

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP.

@Mikeythecat

The thing is... all this doesn't do my self-esteem much good. I was in a shitty relationship for 13 years. I'm fat. In my 40s. I live with my parents. I'm a single parent. I can't even imagine ever wanting to meet anyone else. I thought we had an ok little set-up to be honest. My life is fairly atypical. My job... my work... where I live. None of it lends itself to meeting new people. I can't even imagine it. And I have to hold it all together and look like I know what I'm doing all the time. And now I'm thinking "if I was prettier, thinner, had more time... he wouldn't have done this". I feel weak. And like I just want him to tell me it's all a big joke.

Jay Z cheats on Beyoncé… it’s not a you problem. It’s a him problem. He’s maintained a 7 year relationship with you because he finds your attractive and interesting. Sadly, he isn’t adult enough to realise he can’t be the absolute centre of your universe.

Don’t turn it on yourself with all the “if I was prettier, thinner, had more time etc”. Think “if I had a decent boyfriend this wouldn’t have happened..”

@Dancingonmoonlight what a lovely message.

Blimey op what a complete ballache. I hope you hit your deadline and get some sleep. His behaviour is utterly bizarre and it sounds like he's not much of a catch if this is how he's choosing to behave.

I think you’re spot on OP he was giving his number to some person from POF. He sent it to you by mistake. For the people who said he is feeling neglected. OP said they spent weekend together, had sex, no issues, usual messaging yesterday. He is at it and has been found out and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I’m sorry he has done this to you. Please don’t think this is about how attractive you are or what you weigh

He’s treating you like an idiot and you are letting him get away with it by chasing and asking questions. TELL him: you’re clearly speaking to other women. This is unacceptable and your bizarre texts are insulting and pathetic. It’s over. You’re dumped.

In my opinion. It almost sounds like he thinks you’ve done something wrong and is being passive aggressive and not directly responding to your questions. I did wonder about a bot, or is it possible someone (like a friend of his) has his phone and is trying to push your buttons for some reason? I’m sure that’s not the case but just trying to think of all possibilities

100% cheating. No bloke is going to accidentally text his Mrs about pof. etc. Maybe some girl had his phone, was with him & wanted you to know.

Another wholehearted endorsement here of everything @Dancingonmoonlight said 👏

Really really sending you good wishes, op. And I hope you do manage a bit of sleep.

He sounds horrid

OP you're not putting up with this! Grey rock the arsehole. Block him! You say you're a fat single parent who lives with her parents but so what?? You're still worth a lot more than this!

@Mikeythecat "Morning good luck night night" Was DEFINITELY a passive aggressive dig. I have to say, your description of your usual daily conversation is a bit....cold & business like isn't it? Maybe that's what is bothering him

From what I can tell by putting that username into Google, 7 other sites come up. They're hook-up sites, I think. Unless someone else has the same username, he's on those sites as well, isn't he? Would it do that? Would it allow me to find someone's username? Or is it somehow linking me to them because I've been trying to get onto POF all day? There are only 7 listings and they're all hook-ups sites or webcam things. I don't even want to look. I'm torturing myself.

Hope you're ok OP, try and get some rest. Some things need time in life and everything will be clearer. I would stop messaging him now and see what his next move is.
Good luck!

@Mikeythecat

From what I can tell by putting that username into Google, 7 other sites come up. They're hook-up sites, I think. Unless someone else has the same username, he's on those sites as well, isn't he? Would it do that? Would it allow me to find someone's username? Or is it somehow linking me to them because I've been trying to get onto POF all day? There are only 7 listings and they're all hook-ups sites or webcam things. I don't even want to look. I'm torturing myself.

Would what allow you to find someone's username? One of the 7 sites? They might and they might not...you'd have to log on and try...make an account and see if there's a search function to allow that. If you're not worried about it, PM me the username and I'll have a go.