AIBU to long to be a housewife?

[reluctantlondoner]

I have two children age 1 & 3. I used to have a successful career in a prestigious profession. Although it was hard work, I used to mostly love it and everything that went with it like the long hours, client lunches, feeling educated and important. Since having kids I've lost the love for my career, I now work part time and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just allow myself to be a housewife / SAHM for a few years. I know I can't actually do it because if I give up my career now I will no doubt loose all my confidence, reputation, skills etc and will never be able to get another role like it if and when I find I want to return to the workplace.

But if I am honest, I think I would be quite happy swanning around baking, tidying, organising, looking after my kids and taking care of the home / life admin... as long as we could still afford some childcare because I don't think I could hack no breaks ever (I tried that on maternity leave x 2!) because that just makes me angry, exhausted and resentful. AIBU to long to just "let it go" and actually be a housewife? Will I regret it massively? Is there any point in limping on with a career when I don't really have any interest anymore and would rather be taking my baby to museums and having cups of tea with friends?!

Financially it is extremely helpful that I work but we could probably manage without my salary if we wanted to / needed to, but there would be lifestyle consequences and we do like days out, nice things, holidays etc.

Well, either decision is fine if you and your partner are both on board. But you do need to make your choice and accept either having less money or having to work!

Is it a case of the grass being greener OP?
And most SAHM don't go in for 'swanning about'...

Well you make the choice to be a sah you accept that there is less money and you don't get childcare breaks.

No swanning about until they are at least 8 years old and can organise themselves! It doesn't get that much easier when they start school.

You will get millions of angry SAHM telling you that they don’t swan about, but I know exactly what you mean OP. I actually think working PT is the hardest out of SAH, FT and PT.

Ha thank you for the perspective ladies, this is EXACTLY what I need to hear!

Well, I’ve done this. Currently pregnant with DC2, and there will be a 2 year (and five month) age gap.

I can assure you I don’t swan about, I’m knackered almost 24/7!

I think quitting work to be with the kids and then paying for childcare to get away from the kids, esp given you said it would require lifestyle adjustments, is a bit much.

Do you have other friends on mat leave or who are SAHPs that you imagine spending l the time with? What about winter when the weather is crap? And we're toy ignoring the pandemic!!

@onedayoranother

No swanning about until they are at least 8 years old and can organise themselves! It doesn't get that much easier when they start school.

Really?! When they are out of the house for 6 hours a day and you aren’t working?

Also I am also knackered 24/7 now anyway, so I don't expect that to change!

I was in a similar position and ended up stopping work… honestly I did end up bored and lonely after a while. Looking after a 1 and 3 yr old is pretty relentless and doesn’t allow much time for enjoyable pottering IME it’s more about getting through the day. It may be a nice change now but when you do it day in day out it’s less fun.

You said you are part time, what hours do you do? Can you find a way to cut your hours a bit more or move to a less pressured job? With hindsight that would have been a better option for me than SAHM.

I think part time is the best of both worlds. I had an extended maternity leave due to covid, which was unexpected (and great). Back to work part time, the last six months. Having no money for nice things is quite hard. I want to take the baby on holiday. To classes. Out to lunch. We missed out on so much of that, with the lockdowns, when he was small...

By afford some childcare, I just mean a morning or two at playgroup at £20 a pop, or something similar.

How old are you and how is your pension? I think you need to weigh up how you would feel if you couldn’t ever work again at the level you are at now.

Would that be ok? If so, go for it! (And then if you decide to go back to work and manage it it’s a bonus)

If not, it’s probably best to plod along at part time. I think when the kids start school you’ll be glad you did and be happy with the higher income

@Knittedfairies

Is it a case of the grass being greener OP? And most SAHM don't go in for 'swanning about'...

Agree with this! I was a sahm for a few years and I felt permanently exhausted, it's nice for a while but definitely done very little "swanning"

Compromise and reduce hours/go part time

Do you actually bake though?
I thought being a sahm would be all baking and stuff but what do you do once you've baked? Eat it? Then pile on weight!! Then regret it!
And once you've tidied the same bloody things more than 3 times on the same day, it kinda loses its appeal.
And babies in a museum? Do you think you're looking through some rose tinted glasses here?

I think you have the best of both worlds, you get a break from the kids, get to have adult conversations without wiping, chasing, being entirely responsible for another human being or 2!

What does your partner think?

I found being a part-time professional & part-time Mother/housewife gave me the worst of both worlds. I was in a different profession to you because there were no client lunches, lol! I just felt I could never sit down at the end of any day & think, "Right, now I've finished with that, I'll have a little me time". There was always something outstanding from either my job or my home life hanging over my head. I gave up my career for a few years and enjoyed being a SAHM, once I'd got used to it. When I returned to it, some of your worst fears were realised: in my case the IT skills required were beyond me. However, I had transferable skills and now have a different career that is equally rewarding. I hope my experience helps you make your decision.

I'm a SAHM - I did go back to work after DC1 but husband works very long and irregular hours including nights and weekends, and my career requires a lot of work outside work hours too. DC1 was a non-sleeper and i ended up having a mini breakdown and leaving my job. I've since had DC2 and have no immediate plans to return to work.

It is hard and it is tiring- I am the default carer 24/7 and there are times when, between the two kids and the amount of washing, cooking, cleaning etc, I get very little sleep and no time to myself at all. BUT I love it and have no desire to go back until DC2 is in school. However I didn't like my job whereas it sounds like you do?

@MrPoppysParka Well most people have around 30 min school run on either side of the day so already we're talking about 5-5.5 hours.

In which time one needs to cook, clean, deal with domestic every day admin, domestic one-off/annual admin, declutter, tidy etc etc plus maybe have an hour for lunch?

It's really not that much time.

I used to work part time but actually found it easier going to FT because it meant I could outsource some childcare & cleaning.

Tbh when I was part time and freelance there were periods I was pretty much a SAHM because work was slow and I personally found the Groundhog Day of it all soul destroying. I totally get your fantasies now about museums, baking etc but you won't have time for it every day anyway because of everything else you'll need to do/school getting in the way. So better to carve out weekends/holidays for it and really enjoy those.

I think part time in the right job is the best in most cases. I’ve done the sahm thing for a couple of years and I don’t like it. It’s boring and claustrophobic. Also heavy on the biscuits if you’re not very disciplined. I’ve gone part time in a different role and I’m much happier.
You can’t rely on your partner’s wage. He could leave you and then where will you be?

I was a sahm. Many years ago - I would say don't do it. There's hardly anyone in a similar position to hang out with, all day with small children gets quite depressing - yes, they're happy but your bored brainless, housework? Just tedious and ok once in a while baking cakes but then what you get is fat!
I would say pay for the help you need to not do much housework when you are off work.

I didn’t go back after my first. I wasn’t ‘swanning about’ much, but I also didn’t have the stress of not being there for ds when he was ill, or ever having to prioritise anything else above him.

I got into local politics a bit. I started reading again and I got in shape. I learned how to manage the house. I wrote a draft of a novel.

Gradually, I started to pick up bits of freelance work. Eventually, I got a very part-time job at quite a prestigious institution.

Basically, all those years of working hard in a high status role meant that people valued my experience enough to pay me quite well to do a low status role. Most of all, the place where I work now is full of highly intelligent, successful women who did exactly this - looked after their children while they were small and then returned to a relatively low-status role in an impressive organisation.

[quote MissMinutes24]@MrPoppysParka Well most people have around 30 min school run on either side of the day so already we're talking about 5-5.5 hours.

In which time one needs to cook, clean, deal with domestic every day admin, domestic one-off/annual admin, declutter, tidy etc etc plus maybe have an hour for lunch?

It's really not that much time.

I used to work part time but actually found it easier going to FT because it meant I could outsource some childcare & cleaning.

Tbh when I was part time and freelance there were periods I was pretty much a SAHM because work was slow and I personally found the Groundhog Day of it all soul destroying. I totally get your fantasies now about museums, baking etc but you won't have time for it every day anyway because of everything else you'll need to do/school getting in the way. So better to carve out weekends/holidays for it and really enjoy those. [/quote]
5.5 hours a day for a bit of cleaning and household admin would allow plenty of time for swanning if it were me!

Unless you live in a mansion, I can't see how you could spend that much time each day on housework.

Not knocking people for having some free time at all. I don't think a race to who is busiest benefits anyone. But surely people don't really spend 5 hours each day on household drudgery? If you do, I strongly suggest cutting a few corners and having some fun instead!