AIBU to long to be a housewife?

[reluctantlondoner]

I have two children age 1 & 3. I used to have a successful career in a prestigious profession. Although it was hard work, I used to mostly love it and everything that went with it like the long hours, client lunches, feeling educated and important. Since having kids I've lost the love for my career, I now work part time and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just allow myself to be a housewife / SAHM for a few years. I know I can't actually do it because if I give up my career now I will no doubt loose all my confidence, reputation, skills etc and will never be able to get another role like it if and when I find I want to return to the workplace.

But if I am honest, I think I would be quite happy swanning around baking, tidying, organising, looking after my kids and taking care of the home / life admin... as long as we could still afford some childcare because I don't think I could hack no breaks ever (I tried that on maternity leave x 2!) because that just makes me angry, exhausted and resentful. AIBU to long to just "let it go" and actually be a housewife? Will I regret it massively? Is there any point in limping on with a career when I don't really have any interest anymore and would rather be taking my baby to museums and having cups of tea with friends?!

Financially it is extremely helpful that I work but we could probably manage without my salary if we wanted to / needed to, but there would be lifestyle consequences and we do like days out, nice things, holidays etc.

My view is that in many situations (not all) you're far better off being full time than part time. I'm currently full time and it's way better than being PT - what happened to me and other women I know who were PT was that they had to do most things a SAHM does and do a full-on paid job too, while their FT (male) partner just focused on their job. It's can be the worst of both worlds.

Through experience I am pretty much entirely opposed to the concept of being SAHM. It definitely works well for some people but in general, to function as an adult in this society, you need paid work and taking yourself out of the workforce puts you at a huge disadvantage. Far too many women I know who were SAHMs have regretted that decision - either they've ended up being the family dogsbody with a partner who has no respect for them, or they've struggled to get back into the workforce at anywhere near the same level they left at (or, double whammy, both!). SAHM should be a legitimate life choice - giving your time to your children is very worthwhile and of huge benefit to society - but the reality is that the world is stacked against you. It's so common for SAHMs to become isolated and lose their confidence because of society views and treats them. It's just not a sensible choice given how our world is structured, I think.

I totally feel like this OP! Mine are 2 and 3 and I've got so little work drive at the moment and I enjoy my day a week with DC. My work is (in theory and previously) rewarding but really crap pay so it wouldn't make much financial difference to be right now. But I work PT and know that I would be more tired and impatient if I didn't work. I really hope I get a bit more focussed on work as they get older (and I'm not spending day after day after day on my own while we still need to wfh). I'm pretty sure I would regret it later on if I gave up my work completely so I'm hoping I can just keep my career ticking along for another few years and hope it will pick up again when DC are bigger.

I’ve been SAHM for 3 years and I’m looking for a part time job. Staying at home has really knocked my confidence and when I talk to people I find I don’t have much to say, because day to day all I do is play with Lego, eat pretend biscuits and fold laundry. I absolutely love being able to be with my child, but it has it’s downsides.
We’ve not been to any museums as it’s too stressful, my child is not interested in instagram type baking and attention to crafts lasts for about 5-10 minutes.

@ThisOneNow

I totally feel like this OP! Mine are 2 and 3 and I've got so little work drive at the moment and I enjoy my day a week with DC. My work is (in theory and previously) rewarding but really crap pay so it wouldn't make much financial difference to be right now. But I work PT and know that I would be more tired and impatient if I didn't work. I really hope I get a bit more focussed on work as they get older (and I'm not spending day after day after day on my own while we still need to wfh). I'm pretty sure I would regret it later on if I gave up my work completely so I'm hoping I can just keep my career ticking along for another few years and hope it will pick up again when DC are bigger.

The WFH thing is a huge issue for a lot of people. I WFH PT when my kids were little (pre-pandemic) and struggled to get motivated - it was only when my job changed and I started to go to the office two days a week that I started to get more engaged and actually enjoyed it.

I became a SAHM when my two were 1 and 3, thankfully just before lockdown happened. I used to be a management consultant for a big 4. I HATED my job after maternity leave one. I just couldn't be bothered with it anymore.

I will say being a SAHM has removed a HUGE layer of stress from our lives. I also have an amazing husband who does his fair share of parenting, is very supportive of me and is very neat and tidy.

At first it was very hard work as there was no childcare. Then after lockdown my eldest went to preschool which was covered by the funding.

They are 4 and 2 now, eldest in school and youngest in preschool. I have 3 mornings 'off' a week and love being home even more. I'm tired, it's full on when they're home, but much better than when I was working.

I'm going back to work when my youngest starts school, likely though to something a bit more chilled than before but still full time.

Being a SAHM when the children are in nursery a couple of days a week, is the perfect set up IMHO.

I was full time SAHM to DTwins. All through covid, which didn't help. We barely left the house. It was claustrophobic. Destroyed my mental health. I got nothing done because I was in this god awful groundhog day of knowing how much I needed to do, not being able to do it because of the children, and getting slightly depressed. I would "work" as childcare all day. Then do all the housework, admin, etc when they went to bed. I was brain dead, and exhausted. Trying to do a ten minute chore without a toddler, is, no joke, an hour chore with one. I know twins are a different ball game, but still. Then, I'd go to bed knowing the next day would be identical. I had no motivation, and it was actually, horrendous. Inner me was screaming. It's this awful set up of doing nothing because you have to watch them, but you're not actually doing anything. So you just get lethargic, and borderline depressed. A 1yr old is no conversationalist.

The game changer was when they started just 2 mornings at nursery. I now have time to actually achieve things. All the housework is done in this time. I do the big shop. I do all the stuff they hinder me doing. So when I actually have them now, I'm not resenting what they're stopping me doing, and actually doing fun stuff with them. I've got some motivation, because my days aren't consecutively like mind numbing cabin fever.

Now I bake. And we do crafts. I have the mental health and energy to hit the shops. We go out more. The house is clean. It's just better.

I've been a SAHM since ds (6yo) was born, no plans to go back yet. We have no financial constraints at all, and I do have (limited) family support nearby. YANBU to want to be a SAHM, but I think you're romanticising it a little. It can be very tedious. Keep your hand in at work. Is part time/3 days a week an option? And then maybe put the children into nursery on one of your days off so you get a day to yourself and a day with the children?

I love the portrait you've painted of a SAHM, OP! It definitely sounds appealing. I've been a SAHM on and off, but I want your version

I’ve been a sahm for almost 10 years. 2 kids age 6&9. Used to have lucrative, busy job as a solicitor.

Best choice I made not to go back. Much less stress than if husband and I were juggling.

I don’t find it tedious at all. Volunteer 2 sessions a week, run a lot, see friends, organise kid/house stuff, food shop etc.

Respect people’s choice or need to work but it’s not for me. My work didn’t define me.

Husband fully on board as it benefits the whole family.

OP, what I think, after 18 years of being a housewife / SAHM (and living in an area where this family set-up is kind of the norm) is this -

1. It can be amazing but ONLY if you are a quite ‘creative’ person who prefers the freedom to structure their own days rather than have them structured for her (by a paid job)

2. You have to be very sociable and be prepared to get out there, meet other mums, join clubs / groups and have people over to your house. Embrace the lifestyle, basically.

3. You have to stop worrying about not being able to get x,y,z tasks done on a given day. It doesn’t matter. Your kids are your priority now so you just have to calm down and accept that you are now on their pace and schedule. Once you accept this and stop stressing the other stuff, you won’t worry about all the things you may not get round to doing.

4. The above also applies to cleaning. It’s a lot more fun being a SAHM if you also have a cleaner. Then anything you can do is just ‘top up’ really. Also, you have more time for cooking (if you’re that way inclined) and your husband will think you are some kind of domestic goddess Some marriages definitely thrive when each has their distinct roles and you appreciate the other all the more for it. No bickering. No juggling.

5. Get out with little kids every day. Less mess and less aggro.

6. Bearing in mind point 5 above, it helps if you live in an area where many / most women are also SAH because there will always be something to do or people to meet. Call it ‘swanning around’ if you will .

7. ONLY be a housewife / SAHM if your husband prefers this family structure and values your role (otherwise tension will inevitably build up).

8. ONLY be a housewife / SAHM indefinitely if it doesn’t significantly affect your family’s finances overall. (Well, maybe for a couple of years you may decide it’s worth taking a hit - it depends). Realistically speaking, to be a SAHM indefinitely, you will need the security of assets and / or investments that are in both your names (ie. don’t rely just on his income stream).

9. If you think you may return to work in the future - think about how and in what capacity. You may wish to retrain for instance? You may wish to start up your own business. Stepping out of one career path does not have to mean you are doomed forever. But it depends on what you want out of life really.

10. If you see it as a freedom and a privilege then you’ll be happy. You only live once!

I get it and I felt exactly the same a few years ago. Plus you have all the little digs about not getting this time back which make you cry (at least it did me!) My kids are both in school now and I don’t regret it at all. I have progressed in my career, I could be financially independent if necessary and mostly it has forced my DH to be an equal parent.

And I’m sorry, but being a SAHP to school age kids is an easy life, regardless of your cleaning/life admin, which FT parents have to do around FT work!

[quote MissMinutes24]@MrPoppysParka Well most people have around 30 min school run on either side of the day so already we're talking about 5-5.5 hours.

In which time one needs to cook, clean, deal with domestic every day admin, domestic one-off/annual admin, declutter, tidy etc etc plus maybe have an hour for lunch?

It's really not that much time.

I used to work part time but actually found it easier going to FT because it meant I could outsource some childcare & cleaning.

Tbh when I was part time and freelance there were periods I was pretty much a SAHM because work was slow and I personally found the Groundhog Day of it all soul destroying. I totally get your fantasies now about museums, baking etc but you won't have time for it every day anyway because of everything else you'll need to do/school getting in the way. So better to carve out weekends/holidays for it and really enjoy those. [/quote]
It really is that much time! Working parents have to do all of that, and work.

As @AlexaShutUp said, 5 hours of cleaning a day is ridiculous!

If you're doing finances include putting money into a pension for you and maybe an annual consideration of how your future earnings are being eroded. Up his life insurance too.
The thing is that as a sahm you start to take on more and more life Admin from the person who works. Your time isn't your own - their dry cleaning, their expense claims. And they can lose respect for you very quickly.
Swanning about vs the reality of a dh who throws clothes on the floor and puts dirty cups down where they lay. You end up doing housework that might get left to weekends.
Then you sense the disapproval from the playground. So you find yourself volunteering again and again. You feel you need to use your time to save expense - shop at lidl not use online shopping etc etc.
Those holidays you mention - you will do everything for them. But your dh will resent you doing anything when he's at home. There'll be a requirement that you're present tho he may not choose to speak to you hell start to regard it as his time and sabotage your attempts to go out as he's worked all day.
I did it for 10 years. I would not do so again

Wait until they are both at school full time, and then do it.

I am a long term SAHM (over 15 years) but I have a disability so no chance of getting back to work, not even part time.

There are many benefits to being a SAHM and I love it but I will point out the possible pitfalls.

There is only 1 other person who is like me and still a SAHM everyone else went back to work at least part time if not full time. That starts to limit your social circle during the day.

Access and attitudes to money can become an issue when you only have one wage coming in. Even worse if money is tight. How would your Dh feel about you spending money on childcare every week when you are available to look after your children? Also if you use the car and therefore use petrol how would he feel?

If you do end up returning to work you have a husband/partner who is usually unused to having to do any housework/shopping/cooking etc as all of this has been done by the SAHM. This includes if you have to divide up pick ups and drop offs to nursery/school too. The man has an uninterrupted day, can schedule meetings whenever and work until they want to go home. All of a sudden he is required to do stuff on top of his work day.

These are just things I have observed from real life but also on here too. I have no regrets. I didn't exactly choose this I was in fact working part time after having Ds1 but we relocated for Dh's job, again, I have always been a trailing spouse. We decided to see how I would feel about being a SAHM for 6 months. I had never not worked. I had never relied on someone else for money. It felt all sorts of wrong to spend money Dh had earned even though I knew it was fine but mentally it was hard.

I gave up a professional career for 5 years on a career break.
This meant I had first dibs at interview for any vacancy at my grade. I had to perform just as well at interview but it meant that I was considered based on experinced thus far gained.
We did miss the income and I had to give up quite a bit , but I loved it.
I was disengaged pt with two under two and this meant i knew were I was at. My job was unpredictable in hours as I could not leave in the middle of a crisis and I felt out of control re child care really.
To to ease the money sit I trained as a childminder so had another child a few days a week.
When the youngest was at school I went back part time. To be honest this messed my pension up as I didnt pay into it for those years. Also I never embraced my career as I did pre dc again .. I was passionate about it when with clients and always did my very best but as dh worked in the next city a lot, it was mostky me that watched the clock for pickups ,illness ,playdates etc ..

Hmm grass isn't always greener.

Jow would your DH feel about havubg the burden of being the sole earner? Would he contribute to a private pension for you?

What contingency would you have, financially, if he lost his job/became seriously unwell/left you?

I am one and it's a piece of piss now they are both at school. It was helpful during school closures that I was available to do all the childcare but I really wished I had a job so I could escape the house!
On a normal day I do the school run, walk the dog, housework, shopping maybe, exercise, prep dinner, then at 2pm I always stop and have a rest before the afternoon school run. I read/watch TV or cross stitch. Couple of times a week I'll do something like get nails done/go for long walk/meet friend/cinema.
I really like my life

Have a few child-free days. Swan about, bake, garden, read - have a rest and get it out of your system.

But carry on working - you are benefitting your pension, property and pride amongst so many other things. If you don't like your work, then find or create something that works for you.

Looking after little ones who are 1 and 3 is draining and thankless IME (bar a few rare special moments).

Keep going! You will be glad you did.

God I’d love to be a housewife. Especially when the kids are at school

I don’t know why people go on about “being a SAHM to school age children” as if it’s some sort of absolute shocker.

Of course people are not doing housework all day . Well, I suppose some might be, but I am yet to meet them.

The 9am-3.30pm stint will vary day to day. Some days you might do mainly house related stuff or errands. Some days you might do sod all. Some days you might go shopping or meet friends - and why shouldn’t you?

The way I always saw it was this - from 3pm onwards it was full on. Taking kids to activities, homework, dinner, getting ready for the next day, enabling husband to relax etc - so I saw the school day, when there was nothing else to do, as my downtime. You have to make sure you identify this and get over any guilt about taking it. This is what I learned. It does nobody any good if you are run ragged and you need to build up your energy for the late afternoon / evenings. Your husband will also appreciate it if you have time to look after yourself, keep fit and not always be exhausted. So use the 9-3 hours as you see fit (plus, let’s face it, the kids are home often enough with holidays and ill days).

What if the marriage breaks up and you need to support yourself and kids?.

The divorce courts are full of couples who never thought they’d split up.

@PicaK

If you're doing finances include putting money into a pension for you and maybe an annual consideration of how your future earnings are being eroded. Up his life insurance too. The thing is that as a sahm you start to take on more and more life Admin from the person who works. Your time isn't your own - their dry cleaning, their expense claims. And they can lose respect for you very quickly. Swanning about vs the reality of a dh who throws clothes on the floor and puts dirty cups down where they lay. You end up doing housework that might get left to weekends. Then you sense the disapproval from the playground. So you find yourself volunteering again and again. You feel you need to use your time to save expense - shop at lidl not use online shopping etc etc. Those holidays you mention - you will do everything for them. But your dh will resent you doing anything when he's at home. There'll be a requirement that you're present tho he may not choose to speak to you hell start to regard it as his time and sabotage your attempts to go out as he's worked all day. I did it for 10 years. I would not do so again

Sounds shite, but I think that was down to your dh, not being a SAHM. I don't do my dhs expense, sort his dry cleaning, and he doesn't leave clothes on the floor. He also knows where the dishwasher is..

Is there anyway you can do some freelance work?

I ran my own business from home and I worked when my girls were in part time nursery (or asleep or being watched by daddy).

It's not without it's drawbacks but I was very happy.

Is part time an option? Guessing you are a Solicitor or similar.
Most roles don’t have to be all or nothing. There’s also a vast difference between city high flyer and in house or local council.
3 days a week in a nice role could keep you ticking over so your qualifications don’t get stale, pension etc even if it’s not what you envisioned doing.
Personally I’m glad I stayed working part time in some capacity as it meant I had a career other side. Those who give up even for a few years often find in hard to go back into professional roles.
It also sets precedent if you are sahm that you are default parent so if you do try to go back when they are at school it seems harder.
Grim side - if he dies, gets really ill or leaves are you ok. Again I’ve always had the just in case type mentality - much easier to go full time if shit hits the fan than try and find a job after a 5 year gap as a grieving widow etc.