AIBU to long to be a housewife?

[reluctantlondoner]

I have two children age 1 & 3. I used to have a successful career in a prestigious profession. Although it was hard work, I used to mostly love it and everything that went with it like the long hours, client lunches, feeling educated and important. Since having kids I've lost the love for my career, I now work part time and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just allow myself to be a housewife / SAHM for a few years. I know I can't actually do it because if I give up my career now I will no doubt loose all my confidence, reputation, skills etc and will never be able to get another role like it if and when I find I want to return to the workplace.

But if I am honest, I think I would be quite happy swanning around baking, tidying, organising, looking after my kids and taking care of the home / life admin... as long as we could still afford some childcare because I don't think I could hack no breaks ever (I tried that on maternity leave x 2!) because that just makes me angry, exhausted and resentful. AIBU to long to just "let it go" and actually be a housewife? Will I regret it massively? Is there any point in limping on with a career when I don't really have any interest anymore and would rather be taking my baby to museums and having cups of tea with friends?!

Financially it is extremely helpful that I work but we could probably manage without my salary if we wanted to / needed to, but there would be lifestyle consequences and we do like days out, nice things, holidays etc.

This is my take on being a housewife :

1 there is some lovely swanning about, lunches , coffees etc
If there's wasn't this swanning about it would be pretty awful to be honest !

2 lots of work on hands and knees - hence why a bit of swanning about is needed !

3 lose a bit of confidence / self ego as I don't have my career smymore.

4 feels relentless with the children - almost like they are so attached to mummy which can be suffocating. Friends of mine that are working mums have slightly more independent children from them. Mine are a bit obsessed with me and I think that can be common looking at my friends where they have a similar situ to me.

5 I wouldn't change it though but it's also hard work emotionally,

6 I def have less indulgent money to spend on myself but you can't have everything !

I am a housewife now after a 20 year career and although there are times when it is hard, I love it. I love that the day is my own, I decide when to get dressed, when to go out, when we eat.

We are on 1 salary and its tight so not a lot of money for social meet ups/activities. Plus I live somewhere where I don't know anyone (family and friends all over the country) so I spend most of day just me and my little one.

I still love it. And I like baking and don't care if I'm fat (I'll always be a little bit fat as Bridget Jones once said!)

I was a SAHM for a few years.
It hugely impacted my pension and messed up my NI contributions.
I think I'm ok but many women have been caught out on this. I only found out when my previous employer phoned me to warn me.

I did this, my DC are now 4 and 2.
It is hard being a SAHM, in a sort of relentless way. The jobs are never finished, nobody really appreciates what you do, if you take a break then there is guilt.
But it's also really rewarding, I do love spending time with my kids, I get to take them to nursery every day and pick them up (eldest does all mornings for his 15hrs, youngest does 3 mornings because the nursery is amazing). I take them to groups, I see all of their development milestones, I know everything about them and deal with everything (as an early years teacher, I see their development as my job).
We've also taken a big financial hit, although I expect the cost of 2 in childcare for the hrs we would need would mean we wouldn't be massively better off anyway. Plus we would have to find another nursery as they wouldn't be able to do those hours where they are currently, it's more of a preschool.
I have also taken on all of the admin, cleaning, shopping, organising kids (schedules, clothes, meals etc) and all of the mental load. If something needs doing, I do it or I work out when it needs doing, schedule it in and sort it all out.
There's pros and cons but I do feel like you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

Do baking g and museums on the weekend
And enjoy having mo ney to pay a taxi home
And your future pension
How many times a week can you go to a museum realistically?

Pension contributions? No mention at all of who would be funding you to not be in employment, are you married? Do they have an opinion?
I’d love to be a housewife. Not with a kid in tow though 🤢

I did it for a few years, OP. Similar situation as you. I did have childcare one day a week which was great.
High powered career etc. went back after a few years as I got bored. Doing something slightly different now but in a related field. Still earning very decently albeit a bit less than I was.
If you can afford it, do it. Companies are crying out for “diversity” these days and that includes women who have taken career breaks.

I think you definitely need to recognise the difference between SAHM as the sole childcare provider, and SAHM when your children aren't actually there because they are at nursery/school.

The two are not comparable.

And yes, you can easily spend all day doing housework. Because you have one or more children creating mess as you tidy up something else. As said before. What takes me ten minutes once the children have gone to bed, takes me an hour while they're up. But you sort of do this "it takes me ten times longer while they're up, but at least it's done, so I can collapse when they go to bed."

SAHM when the children aren't there, is just, staying at home, being a "housewife." Now DTwins are in nursery twice, it's a completely different life. Endlessly better.

I am a housewife. I am happy to be one but it is tiring never getting space from the kids and life can be repetitive. No time for swanning about.

@MissMinutes24 it really is loads of time. I’ve done 8 hours at work today but still managed to do school runs, cook tea and clean up after, a load of washing, empty dishwasher, take bins out, sort out some school admin on my lunch break (30 mins not an hour), support kids with homework and I’ve still got time to relax in the bath this evening. To add husband has also been at work for 12 hours. If 25 hours plus per week at home with kids in school isn’t enough time to run the house, you’re definitely doing it wrong. I’d be making sure I had some relaxation time for sure otherwise you may as well go to work!

If you are in a really stable job which you have worked hard for, don't give it up. I say that as a SAHM. I wasn't far into my career so didn't have much to lose when I had my eldest. I have four DC and been at home raising them fifteen years almost. It's had its challenges. You don't really get a break.

@furbabymama87

I am a housewife. I am happy to be one but it is tiring never getting space from the kids and life can be repetitive. No time for swanning about.

Yep. This.

I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old. Decided not to go back to work (found out I was pregnant again before 1st mat leave ended). I spent so many years fantasising about how amazing this lifestyle would be and all the fun things I would do.
Let me tell you, my vision couldn't be further from the truth 😂 My whole day is basically spent planning meals, cooking, nappies, nap times, bottles, cleaning... on rotation. Its nice when we make it out, but in reality there's only so many times you can visit the same places especially in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be doing this than my high pressured job but I do really miss having some interaction with adults. Another thing to consider is how the power can shift in a relationship when you're suddenly completely reliant on someone else for money..
I'm hoping to find a part time job when my eldest turns 3 and finally gets some free childcare hours

I did exactly what you suggest doing. We are all a lot happier for it. My children are now at school and I can’t see me returning, but my husband earns very well.

I took a couple of years career break before I had my little one and it was lovely as you described baking etc.

It’s completely different now I have my baby. The house is one job (don’t have a cleaner or outsource any jobs) and full time child care is a second job. Can barely get anything done in first job due to constantly watching little one. Feel like I’m constantly saying watch out/don’t do that as he’s at an age where he’s into everything. I spend any spare time away from baby doing work on the first job that I’ve been interrupted doing or not got round to. No annual lave or sick pay. No lunch break.

But as others have said it’s nice to be around when baby is sick and there aren’t that many time pressures to be anywhere.

Does your workplace have a career break scheme where you could agree an extended time off then return to see how it goes first?

@MrPoppysParka

You will get millions of angry SAHM telling you that they don’t swan about, but I know exactly what you mean OP. I actually think working PT is the hardest out of SAH, FT and PT.

Oh I don’t know, I like working pt. I swan 1-2 weekdays, go to work 3 weekdays, do family stuff on weekends and sometimes will help my partner with his work 1 day, or just use that day for swanning. It’s a good balance.

When I think of big career etc and children and women who want to go back to work I always think of a small window when children are non verbal and at their most vulnerable.

Unless you have endless consecutive children surley you would be out five years max probably less?

Would you or anyone really loose confidence, career... And everything else in only five years??

I find that astonishing.

It depends on what the job and whether they try and squeeze ft into pt!

Usually it's the best if all worlds whilst dc are little.
You keep your money, work, get a break from dc!!

Again with the sort of "big careers" people talk of in amazed their pensions Cant survive a few years without extra contribution.

Usually pensions are invested and will continue to grow without work contributions.

@Rachaelrachael

It's a tough time to be at home with little ones.

Esp if short of ££. With loads of toddler groups, baby classes, soft play etc it's much easier!! Esp in winter.

Nah - don’t be crazy, keep up PT, you might not be that interested in your career anymore but it’s money that you can put into pensions and mortgage etc. It means also that you don’t loose your earning power, one day you might need that, if you split or your DP gets sick - and even if not, you and your DP will likely end up resenting the fact your aren’t contributing financially in a few years.

I personally got quite bored and lonely as a SAHM and went back to work 2 days a week when DD was 22 months old. It's (almost) a perfect balance. She is at nursery 3 mornings a week while I work my hours, and we have 4 full days together. That's my experience but surely different for everyone. Maybe take a couple weeks off if you have the days, and see how you feel.

@JanuaryBluehoo you've been picked up on this on another thread, the answer is YES it has a big affect. Google it, it really isn't difficult. I can't believe anyone can miss the discussions around the stark inequality in men and women in the work place around pay and progression after childbearing, you'd have to live in a hole to be unaware of it.

It's not just about those 5 years (which are larger than you make out, my employer and I will put in over £80,000 into my pension in the next 5 years, minimum) but it's the knock on affect of not progressing, some women would have to start from scratch depending on their career. My salary tripled from the time I was pregnant until my youngest was about 3 staying in work. And that's without going into the mental impact.

If you can and feel happy doing it, do it!
I worked full time plus some weekends for 18 years in education & teaching, have a masters, worked since I was 15 and through college & uni.
Had fertility problems but finally fell pregnant at 39, have been at home with Dd for 3.5 years and love it. I’ve had a fair few very hard days and I’m more exhausted than I ever was working all the time, but in general
I’m much happier. I still enjoy going to the playground/park then the cafe, playing at the beach, swimming, dog walks with Dd, playing in the garden, teaching her..all of it. We have a good friendship group and I’m pretty outgoing but happy to be a homebody at times.
There have been times I’ve longed to be back in a meeting, just being able to sit with a coffee or having a giggle with colleagues, but all in all I’m very grateful to be at home.
We’ve cut back a lot and don’t have have all the lovely holidays and travel we used to, but covid took the fun out of that anyway and with a little one we’re happy to have a weekend break a couple of hours away.
I’m trying my best to appreciate every second as Dd will be starting school in September and this lovely experience we’ve had together for four years will end and I’m pretty devastated!
Then I’ll return to education when she’s at school…if I could, I’d love to do this for more years to come
HATE housework though! I’m onboard with baking, crafts, days out, enjoy cooking..cleaning..Eurgh

SaH would be way, way too much personal financial risk for me.