AIBU to long to be a housewife?

[reluctantlondoner]

I have two children age 1 & 3. I used to have a successful career in a prestigious profession. Although it was hard work, I used to mostly love it and everything that went with it like the long hours, client lunches, feeling educated and important. Since having kids I've lost the love for my career, I now work part time and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just allow myself to be a housewife / SAHM for a few years. I know I can't actually do it because if I give up my career now I will no doubt loose all my confidence, reputation, skills etc and will never be able to get another role like it if and when I find I want to return to the workplace.

But if I am honest, I think I would be quite happy swanning around baking, tidying, organising, looking after my kids and taking care of the home / life admin... as long as we could still afford some childcare because I don't think I could hack no breaks ever (I tried that on maternity leave x 2!) because that just makes me angry, exhausted and resentful. AIBU to long to just "let it go" and actually be a housewife? Will I regret it massively? Is there any point in limping on with a career when I don't really have any interest anymore and would rather be taking my baby to museums and having cups of tea with friends?!

Financially it is extremely helpful that I work but we could probably manage without my salary if we wanted to / needed to, but there would be lifestyle consequences and we do like days out, nice things, holidays etc.

@reluctantlondoner - I guess the replies on this thread just confirms that everyone’s attitudes and situations are very different. Lots of posters hate the idea of not working full-time, some would like to stop but are prevented by finances, others prefer part-time - horses for courses ...

As I said earlier, I loved being a SAHM, and I did my fair share of ‘swanning’ albeit with a toddler or 2 in tow initially but I socialised a lot with friends who also had toddlers so it worked well. If I was stuck on my own it would probably have been different. My DH was always very respectful and grateful that I was happy to stop working and be a full-time mum. His job meant long hours, trips abroad and working bank holidays, school holidays. He wasn’t resentful that I sometimes had free time in the day and was quite open that he couldn’t do what I did.

With no family around it would have been a nightmare to juggle things if I worked. We are lucky that we are financially comfortable so that wasn’t an issue. My gym had a crèche so the children used to go there when I did yoga etc, and then they started pre-school/school. I was able to attend all the school events and used to go in and help with reading/swimming lessons etc. I never had to worry about childcare when DC were ill or had Inset days/holidays. Would it be possible to take a break from your career and give it a try? Will you regret not doing so in future when your kids are older?

I definitely do not mean swanning around in a derogatory way towards SAHMs. Not at all! As I have tried to explain in my post, to some extent I actually aspire to be able to spend my days running errands, kids classes and appointments, organising cupboards etc!

You aspire to organising cupboards.. I call bullshit.

@Inastatus so this is the life that I would like, exactly this! Thank you

[quote MissMinutes24]@MrPoppysParka Well most people have around 30 min school run on either side of the day so already we're talking about 5-5.5 hours.

In which time one needs to cook, clean, deal with domestic every day admin, domestic one-off/annual admin, declutter, tidy etc etc plus maybe have an hour for lunch?

It's really not that much time.

I used to work part time but actually found it easier going to FT because it meant I could outsource some childcare & cleaning.

Tbh when I was part time and freelance there were periods I was pretty much a SAHM because work was slow and I personally found the Groundhog Day of it all soul destroying. I totally get your fantasies now about museums, baking etc but you won't have time for it every day anyway because of everything else you'll need to do/school getting in the way. So better to carve out weekends/holidays for it and really enjoy those. [/quote]
But most people are doing all that AND working full/part time and not necessarily able or willing to ‘out source’.

I’m sorry but ‘one off’ admin is things like bills and doctors apps, again that most people do alongside working.

Own it that you have a majority of the day free to yourself and have fun! If you don’t have to work then you may as well enjoy yourself, otherwise go to work and be paid to do drudgery.

I’m not going to get into a SAHM vs WM argument but the lists of ‘admin’ that always get trotted out on threads like this are spurious as everyone has to deal with these! They don’t magically vanish if you are working 9-5 (or 8-6 in my case )

A lot of competitive misery on this thread
You are allowed to be happy and to prioritise happiness assuming its affordable. When I first became a sahm my ds was 2 and I would have carried on working but they wouldn't let me stay part time (after a 9 months experiment). I'm glad it happened because I wasn't happy anyway. Different if you love your job and it's not a toxic environment.
Had my 2nd was ds1 was 3.5 and had 3x 5hr nursery sessions a week, we used to go out every afternoon to the park or garden centre or museum. We didn't have loads of money but there was enough for national trust membership, petrol and parking, and picnics. In winter we did soft play every week, playgroup etc. Never felt guilty about putting cbeebies on. It was a lot more intense when they were little but got easier as ds1 went to school, then ds2 started nursery...then we had lockdown and they were back home again!!! I found it tough because being stick I'm isn't what we're used to and I could see they needed to be in school but at least I was available to do the home schooling.
When they're little it really helps to have a routine and do lots of days out. The house doesn't get any messier when you're not in it.
Don't spend your whole life cleaning...unless you love it.
My husband doesn't resent me he loves being able to come home and not have to pick up housework or think about dinner, and weekends are always family time which we both love. It really helps his work life balance.

I hear you. I'm pregnant first child, ive always worked incredibly hard. I'm in process of setting up a new business.... but I'd love to just focus on having DC. I do worry I might be setting myself up to feel like I'm failing at everything. It sounds like you can afford it and if you're intelligent and adaptable I'm sure you'll be able to reenter workforce doing something similar or different of your choosing if/when you want. Id say take the time and follow your heart and have a lovely time focusing on you and DC

Yes I think if you’re going to be a SAHM (beyond the pre-school years), you do have to have the type of husband who prefers and values you in this role. You definitely have to have mutual respect.

I think that where a working husband / SAHM dynamic works best is there both sides think they are getting the best deal

She is happy to not have the stress and ‘mental load’ of a job. She feels privileged to be with her children and enjoys the freedom this gives (including some ‘swanning about’ whenever possible ). He is happy that he can pursue his work unhindered with no compromises needing to be made and can relax in the knowledge that his children are being cared for by their mum who he feels is the best person for this.

Why don’t you live without your salary for a few months and see how it feels? Don’t use savings or dip into it, just put it away and live within budget, think of how you’d both save from that budget for household repairs, Xmas, birthdays etc. and try and make it work,

Own it that you have a majority of the day free to yourself and have fun! If you don’t have to work then you may as well enjoy yourself, otherwise go to work and be paid to do drudgery.

Lol.

Today, I got up with DTwins. Just turned 2. About 6.45am. Changed both. Fed both. Dressed both. This took me to 8am.

I then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher which took 25 mins. As I can't have them in the kitchen with me or they are trying to get in the dishwasher. But they can't be left to their own devices. So I grab about 6 things from the dishwasher, put away, then hop over the kitchen baby gate and make sure no one is jumping on their siblings head. Repeat until unloaded. Then repeat for loading.

That's half 8. Then I needed to unload the tumble dryer, reload the tumble dryer. Then get upstairs and get stuff to put the first of the three daily washes on. That took me until 9. With the in and out the kitchen method as before.

Then I swept up in the dining room from the mess on the floor from breakfast. Wiped down highchairs. Locked highchairs back in study, as the latest game is "highchair cabre toss".

Girl twin needed a new nappy. So they both have to come up whilst she is changed. Back down we come. Quickly log on to school app and pay eldest bus pass for this term. Whilst doing that, it appears boy twin has discovered that the wooden sausage in their Christmas play food, leaves a mark if you drag it along the wall, and has scribbled in the hallway.

Removed wooden sausage from boy twin, who was displeased at this. Bribe boy twin with juice, and grab a cloth and warm water to remove sausage marks from wall.

Bat off both toddlers trying to "assist" with removing sausage marks. Decide this is impossible and will add to long list of "things that will have to wait until they go to bed".

It's now 10am. Click on Mumsnet and read how I have the day "free to myself" and how "fun" this is.

Hold my sausage cloth....

You see, as someone who used to work FT, and get all the housework and admin done with ease, what you don't realise, (until you've been a SAHM) is that half the work you are doing, is caused by the fact you have children at home all day.

My cleaning took me 20 minutes, which I'd zip round and do after work. You know why it took 20 minutes? Because the children were at nursery/school and not messing up the house. It's not hard to whip round and clean a house that no one's been in all day.

There are moments I love being a SAHM. But there's a lot I can't bloody stand. Thank the lord they've now started nursery. It's only two small sessions a week, but ohhhhh the difference.

withsprinkles my DH earnt almost 200k and we were both happy with my swanning. Now he’s retired at 55 and we’re both swanning all day.

I think the ‘swanning’ thing is quite funny. Why would anyone need to make life harder than it needs to be? There are no medals for this. Whatever you do, take your downtime when and where you can and enjoy it!

If you employ a nanny, do you think they’re scrubbing the floors every second while your child sleeps? We, no. I see lots of nannies round here. Many are from Eastern European countries and in their 20s. They have their regular meet ups in Starbucks or the park. They all chat in their language and let the kids mill about together. Or they go for long walks with the buggies so they can chat about their boyfriend dramas or whatever. I don’t blame them. You do what you need to do to stay sane!

It is true that life as a SAHM gets easier when they’re in nursery a few mornings and then school. But if you have multiple children with say, two year age gaps, that stage can be quite a long time coming! When it does come - you’ve earned it! I remember the feeling of just being able to wander round shops ‘hands free’ once mine were all in school. It was like walking on air. I had no guilt about it whatsoever and I still don’t.

@ana1s

Yes! My first recent trip to the supermarket without DTwins felt like a day out!!

Immense difference in being SAHM as full time childcare, and SAHM with the children absent. Chalk and cheese.

One is sodding relentless at times. The other is more akin to simply not working and having all the time you would have been working, to do housework and admin.

I've been a SAHM since DS was born. I was really unsure wether or not to go back to work after my maternity leave had ended but I decided not to return and the reasons I think it works for us are as follows:

1. It hasn't put too much of a strain on us financially, our mortgage and outgoings are fairly low so can comfortably be paid on DH's wage, we are able to still save every month albeit less than before. We don't holiday abroad anymore but are still able to afford to go away once or twice a year in the UK which suits us just fine.

1. I was 25 when I had DS and still pretty early on in my career. We'd like to have a second DC soon and then I will look to return to the workplace once they are in full time education. I will be early 30's when I start working again so feel confident that I'll have plenty of time to rebuild a career for myself.

1. It's what I wanted and DH has been incredibly supportive, he's not resentful whatsoever and loves the fact that DS is being looked after by me during the day. Finances have remained shared and he's never once made me feel bad for not contributing financially as he knows I'm contributing to the family in other ways. He also does his fair share of the childcare/ cleaning so that I can have some "me time" in the evenings, without this I think I'd really struggle being a SAHM.

I absolutely love it but there have been things that have surprised me/ didn't match my expectations. I have been surprised how much I've struggled with the lack of social interaction I used to have with my colleagues and really miss that side of things but I do feel a real weight has been lifted as I no longer stress about work. I also expected my house to be spotless and organised but it's not, it's clean enough but it does get messy quickly and I don't always have time to clean during the day when I'm running around after DS. I feel permanently exhausted but im sure I would feel the same if I had gone back to work.

I wouldn't change my decision as I'm loving every minute of being a SAHM but I think I will be more than ready to go back to work when the time comes.

Whilst being a SAHM isn't everyone's cup of tea. I think that if it's something you and DH want and all the logistics work, there's no reason why you shouldn't go for it

@ReadySteadyTwinstbf most of the "day to yourself" refers to people whose kids are in school / one pliant child at home. My twins are just turned two and we have school run with the eldest. Although I certainly don't do 21 loads of washing a week

I literally don't know how we generate so much. With uniform for the eldest. His normal clothes.Towels and bedding. DTwins clothes. Adult clothes. I do one darks, one whites and one coloured wash a day! And there's a permanent laundry mountain.

Is eldest doing clean uniform every day then clean outfit then clean pajamas every day? We do clean uniform and clean pj's, but he either stays in his uniform or puts on fancy dress (🙄 he's 6) or it stays in his room at bedtime for the next time assuming it's clean. DH and I only do one outfit each and towels are air dried and used twice

If you can afford it then try it. My situation was very different and my boss said come back and see how you feel. She knew me far better than I thought and she was right. I also used to put my dc to the childminder to get a break and some sleep. Within 2-3 yrs they're in nursery then school and the pressures change. People I know who were sahm were always on the go. Most went back to work part time at some point.

@ReadySteadyTwins no one is saying that anyone with 2 year old twins at home all day is having the day to themselves. It’s claiming that when someone has school age children that being a SAHP is such hard work is irritating because it simply isn’t. And as someone else said to ‘own it’. It’s ok to have free time to enjoy oneself. I certainly do when I have free time and don’t feel bad about it.

I work 0.8 wte so on my day off I do some housework but spend lots of the time looking after my own well-being doing exercise or whatever I fancy.

When my children were 1 and 3 on my working days I had to get them up at 6.30 ready to leave the house by 7.20. Breakfast, nappies, dishwasher etc all done in that time. Then pick up and sort tea bath bedtime washing etc after work. After 8 hours at work plus commute. My days off at that time were so much easier just because I wasn’t on a time schedule so yes the drudgery had to be done but in my own time.
Can’t comment on having twins though but can imagine that it it’s very hard with young twins.

@ReadySteadyTwins

Own it that you have a majority of the day free to yourself and have fun! If you don’t have to work then you may as well enjoy yourself, otherwise go to work and be paid to do drudgery.

Lol.

Today, I got up with DTwins. Just turned 2. About 6.45am. Changed both. Fed both. Dressed both. This took me to 8am.

I then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher which took 25 mins. As I can't have them in the kitchen with me or they are trying to get in the dishwasher. But they can't be left to their own devices. So I grab about 6 things from the dishwasher, put away, then hop over the kitchen baby gate and make sure no one is jumping on their siblings head. Repeat until unloaded. Then repeat for loading.

That's half 8. Then I needed to unload the tumble dryer, reload the tumble dryer. Then get upstairs and get stuff to put the first of the three daily washes on. That took me until 9. With the in and out the kitchen method as before.

Then I swept up in the dining room from the mess on the floor from breakfast. Wiped down highchairs. Locked highchairs back in study, as the latest game is "highchair cabre toss".

Girl twin needed a new nappy. So they both have to come up whilst she is changed. Back down we come. Quickly log on to school app and pay eldest bus pass for this term. Whilst doing that, it appears boy twin has discovered that the wooden sausage in their Christmas play food, leaves a mark if you drag it along the wall, and has scribbled in the hallway.

Removed wooden sausage from boy twin, who was displeased at this. Bribe boy twin with juice, and grab a cloth and warm water to remove sausage marks from wall.

Bat off both toddlers trying to "assist" with removing sausage marks. Decide this is impossible and will add to long list of "things that will have to wait until they go to bed".

It's now 10am. Click on Mumsnet and read how I have the day "free to myself" and how "fun" this is.

Hold my sausage cloth....

You see, as someone who used to work FT, and get all the housework and admin done with ease, what you don't realise, (until you've been a SAHM) is that half the work you are doing, is caused by the fact you have children at home all day.

My cleaning took me 20 minutes, which I'd zip round and do after work. You know why it took 20 minutes? Because the children were at nursery/school and not messing up the house. It's not hard to whip round and clean a house that no one's been in all day.

There are moments I love being a SAHM. But there's a lot I can't bloody stand. Thank the lord they've now started nursery. It's only two small sessions a week, but ohhhhh the difference.

My comment was in response to someone whose dc are at school. Not 2 yo twins

I would just add that it is hard getting back into the workforce after years as a stay at home mother.

I found that my confidence had gone and I certainly earn a lot less than before. I am treated differently by potential employers due to the “gap” in my employment history.

Yes hang on if you can, so much harder to get back in than keep going.

@jackfrosttoes

Yes hang on if you can, so much harder to get back in than keep going.

it might be harder but it’s not impossible to get back into the workforce when the kids are older but it is impossible to regain time spent with them whilst they are growing up. As previously stated I know it’s not doable or desirable for everyone but the OP is clearly drawn towards that path and may regret it if she doesn’t try it.

I think most women who become SAHMs for more than a few years have no intention to ‘get back in.’ They see it as a time to reassess or perhaps change direction altogether.

@ana1s

I think most women who become SAHMs for more than a few years have no intention to ‘get back in.’ They see it as a time to reassess or perhaps change direction altogether.

Agree with this. I have no desire to go back to my previous career at the same level I was. More than happy to take a step back.