AIBU to long to be a housewife?

[reluctantlondoner]

I have two children age 1 & 3. I used to have a successful career in a prestigious profession. Although it was hard work, I used to mostly love it and everything that went with it like the long hours, client lunches, feeling educated and important. Since having kids I've lost the love for my career, I now work part time and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just allow myself to be a housewife / SAHM for a few years. I know I can't actually do it because if I give up my career now I will no doubt loose all my confidence, reputation, skills etc and will never be able to get another role like it if and when I find I want to return to the workplace.

But if I am honest, I think I would be quite happy swanning around baking, tidying, organising, looking after my kids and taking care of the home / life admin... as long as we could still afford some childcare because I don't think I could hack no breaks ever (I tried that on maternity leave x 2!) because that just makes me angry, exhausted and resentful. AIBU to long to just "let it go" and actually be a housewife? Will I regret it massively? Is there any point in limping on with a career when I don't really have any interest anymore and would rather be taking my baby to museums and having cups of tea with friends?!

Financially it is extremely helpful that I work but we could probably manage without my salary if we wanted to / needed to, but there would be lifestyle consequences and we do like days out, nice things, holidays etc.

Money also affects it - so if it would be scrimping to do it so no coffees out, children can’t go to activities, can’t afford day trip out the gloss of being at home would soon wear off. Children get more expensive as they get older.

I’ve loved being a SAHM to my 2 DC. However, I didn’t have them until I was 40 and 42 respectively and had already had many years of being career focussed. I had struggled with miscarriages and was more than ready to take time out of work. It was a joint decision with DH and as we had no family to help out, it was the best one for us. I was lucky that I met some great friends at ante-natal group and we met up regularly for coffee/gym/playgroups etc. I had some very happy times and I don’t regret it for a minute.

My DC are 17 and 15 and I’m just thinking about getting a part-time job as I feel I need a different focus. However I still enjoy being able to be around for them before and after school and during holidays etc. I keep busy in the day with walking the dog, meeting friends for coffee/lunch, going to exercise classes, housework etc.

I've done a combination of everything - FT, PT, had nannies, SAHM etc

I had a professional career in London and was good at it, but didn't love it and there was a lot of international travel. DH also was travelling, and my nanny was super unreliable - so I ended up quitting after I had my fourth child. I loved being at home, but I always did other things - volunteering around nursery and school at first, (eg founded a Free School), played tennis, went riding, and once they were all in primary school, I did things like RDA during the day and did some free OU courses - but I also did a bit of consultancy work related to my previous profession to keep my hand in.

I live in an area where there are lots of SAHMs so I wasn't lonely and I know that my children massively benefitted from having me at home. I now work PT four short days a week - so I'm always at home by the time the children get home and in a weird way, now that they are teenagers, it's harder (emotional) work than when they were toddlers/preschoolers when it's physically exhausting.

If you can make it work BUT still have an escape route back to work/keeping skills going, then I would do it.

It sounds like you like the idea of being a sahm!
I am one and i remember when the kids were 1 and 3. I was making meals thatvwere not eaten, constantly tidying up (and i dont mean hoovering and then arranging flowers on the table!), i mean cleaning wee of the flour, picking bits of food…
I loled at your idea of taking the kids to a museum… i dont know what to say!
Also agree with a pp, quiting yoir job to be a sahm and then getting childcare twice a week is a bit meh.

I'm a sahm of school age DC...I bloody love not working

You'd soon regret it. It's so boring being at home with small children. We always want what we haven't got, but be careful what you wish for.

OH OP, the grass is always greener!

I stopped working when I met my DH. Was a housewife for 3 years. Then DC came along and I was a SAHM.

After 7 years I decided to go back to work and landed a job paying £50k (not great for london but still impressive after so long out of the workforce).

I'll never go back to being a SAHM. I love going to work!!

Is that what you did on maternity? Swan around, Go to museums and have cups of tea with friends? It seems not and you were “angry resentful” etc and two morning off a week for a couple of hours won’t change that, plus you loose all the nice things and habe to budget.

I think maybe you like the idea of it better than you like the reality. Are you maybe not happy in your job?

It’s not boring being at home with young children at all . Not if you are proactive and creative and you enjoy it. I had the time of my life, to be honest.

It’s only ‘boring’ if you are not cut out for it.

The key is to build up a social network. Also to learn to live in the moment and fully appreciate it. Also to re-prioritise what ‘doing something’ means. Even on a rainy day when the kids are ill and you’re stuck at home, that is still ‘doing something’ because that’s the reality of the role. Life isn’t just a checklist of childcare tasks or series of ‘magic moments’ (or whatever some people call it) - its also the less defined stuff that happens inbetween. Bring a SAHM takes a certain type of resilience and a certain mindset.

How would your partner feel about it? What if he wanted to stay home? Are you on the same page? Are your financial aspirations the same? How would your pension look? What if he left you?

(Questions I'd ask myself)

Each to their own but I strongly suspect this is grass is greener syndrome because you know you can't.

I've been a SAHM since I was 3 months pregnant. My kids are at secondary school now and I still don't get time to 'swan about'. For instance I was out in the car including school run 6 times today and they were all essential errands, no 🦢

I did it when the kids were 1 and 4. Never went back, and worked on as self employed. I have never regretted leaving anything more. I still get withdrawal symptoms on the 25th of the month, which 20 years ago was pay day. Also, I never managed to pay into a pension scheme self employed, and I wish I had. That's financially.
I was very soon so lonely for adult conversation and comradeship.
Huge, huge mistake for me.

I loved being a SAHP but I certainly didn't swan about... I was extremely busy running a household and caring full time for two children under 2. I went back to work after a few years for a rest.

I've been a SAHM since I was 3 months pregnant. My kids are at secondary school now and I still don't get time to 'swan about'. For instance I was out in the car including school run 6 times today and they were all essential errands

My DC are 11/13. I'm busy all day everyday. I also don't swan about sadly. The time when there at school goes so quickly...a trip to the supermarket, clean the bathrooms, change the bed sheets, and put on laundry and before I know it it's 3 o'clock!

Think very carefully, maybe working. PT could work? I was a sahp for a while and it’s not museums and baking. Small children don’t like museums! There were very very few people to have interesting convo with. All baby and nappy chat yawn.

I did a lot of ‘swanning’, my house was so tidy most of the time I’d have all my chores done by 9am so the rest of the day and the weekend were for swanning.

@TheDailyCarbunkle

My view is that in many situations (not all) you're far better off being full time than part time. I'm currently full time and it's way better than being PT - what happened to me and other women I know who were PT was that they had to do most things a SAHM does and do a full-on paid job too, while their FT (male) partner just focused on their job. It's can be the worst of both worlds.

Through experience I am pretty much entirely opposed to the concept of being SAHM. It definitely works well for some people but in general, to function as an adult in this society, you need paid work and taking yourself out of the workforce puts you at a huge disadvantage. Far too many women I know who were SAHMs have regretted that decision - either they've ended up being the family dogsbody with a partner who has no respect for them, or they've struggled to get back into the workforce at anywhere near the same level they left at (or, double whammy, both!). SAHM should be a legitimate life choice - giving your time to your children is very worthwhile and of huge benefit to society - but the reality is that the world is stacked against you. It's so common for SAHMs to become isolated and lose their confidence because of society views and treats them. It's just not a sensible choice given how our world is structured, I think.

Spot on!

Trust me, there is no baking 😂 it can be pretty bad for your mental hearth.

But if you can afford it and want to try it, why not? It’s ok to have a few years out. If it would be ok for a man to then a woman should be able to as well. It’s still feminism. You only live once!

Do whatever works for you and your family and partner (they need to be on board with what both of you decide). Personally I think PT is a nice balance as it reduces risk and keeps your skills so that if anything drastic happens, it is easy to go back to FT. Also contributes more towards retirement.

I would love to be, but actually I work and DH is a SAHD. So 100% no way of ever being at home 24/7.

I am madly jealous of anyone who is a SAHP. Please don't ever take it for granted.

Agree with the gruelling, groundhog day, not many other sahp about and not feeling like you’ve achieved. Can also second the biscuit problem!

Then after all that, as you can see from this thread, there is basically no respect.

I think doing it for a bit is fine or study, do something else whilst you do it.

Must be nice to be able to be a SAHM but then put them in childcare for a break! That's not a SAHM then!!

@IWasFunBeforeMum does that mean parents who stay home when the kids are at school aren't SAHMs?

Do what you like - but take the rose tinted glass off! Also how are you set for a pension, would you manage ok with the mortgage if inflation increased , have you an emergency fund? I don’t want to pour cold water on your SAHM plans - but do make sure you can really afford it