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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 11/01/2022 18:30

OP I have seen on MN - not real life - that some people will say no kids, but a babe in arms is allowed.

So just ask her. But if you really want to go, probably best if DH has baby for the wedding.

LagunaBubbles · 11/01/2022 18:30

How old will she be?

Orchid876 · 11/01/2022 18:32

Yes, I'd check she means no babies, I think people are often happy to make an exception for babies. They don't cost anything and don't impact on guest numbers. If she does mean no babies, I'd probably decline unless you're really really keen on the holiday to Australia, for its own sake. If you are, then go to the wedding for a couple of hours alone. However, if she really won't budge on the no babies thing, I'd question if she was a such a great friend, that it's worth going to all that expense for I'm afraid.

Gilly12345 · 11/01/2022 18:32

Decline that you obviously can’t go and save yourself a load of money and have a lovely family holiday instead.

EmmaH2022 · 11/01/2022 18:32

@EmmaH2022

OP I have seen on MN - not real life - that some people will say no kids, but a babe in arms is allowed.

So just ask her. But if you really want to go, probably best if DH has baby for the wedding.

Sorry, misread You have a baby now, not will have then!

So don't ask, you have full info, so say yes or no.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 18:34

@Mustreadabook

Before children I used to imagine it was easy to get babysitters. Perhaps she doesn’t realise it’s impractical.
I know what you mean. Though to be fair, it IS easy to get babysitters. It’s just hard to leave your 2 year-old child with an unknown one!
TheIdiot7 · 11/01/2022 18:34

Easiest DECLINE in the world.
She can't possibly expect you to attend.

mumda · 11/01/2022 18:35

I always thought that people have weddings abroad to prevent people from coming.
If you want people at your wedding then you'd make it easy.

The no kids thing is also a f##k you and means we don't want people there.

Don't go.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 11/01/2022 18:36

@Liathroid

Can you bring someone with you to mind the baby on the wedding day? Haven’t been in this situation myself but any friends who were brought a sibling/friend/grandparent who minded the child.
On the other side of the world????
billy1966 · 11/01/2022 18:37

@PleasantBirthday

I wouldn't ask for an exception, she already knows you have a child and if she wanted to make exceptions, she'd offer. She hasn't offered and I'd take that as a pretty broad hint.
This.

I wouldn't dream of asking for an exception.

It is hers to offer.

I think destination weddings are a PITA.

MabelsApron · 11/01/2022 18:39

I find the slagging off of the friend a bit much given that she hasn’t actually been told that OP can’t go, and been shitty about it. Her only two crimes are “destination wedding” (I also suspect she’s getting married in her home country and OP is the one that moved halfway around the world) and “childfree wedding” (which, frankly, given the behaviour of some kids at weddings I entirely understand).

Difficulty in trying to get an exception made is that by the time of the wedding, the child will be 2, not a babe in arms and more than capable of doing all the things that make people want childfree weddings.

OP, you just decline. It’s a bit odd that you’re no longer happy to have a holiday as planned now that your DD can’t attend, but that’s your choice, so just tell her?

2Hot2Handle · 11/01/2022 18:39

If you were planning to go as a holiday anyway, couldn’t you just still all go and on the wedding day, just you attend and DH stays with your DC for the day. Then the rest of the time, you all enjoy your holiday together?

gsaoej · 11/01/2022 18:40

Can you dh and dc go to the hotel and you just attend wedding on your own?

Other than that, it’s an easy decline. I wouldn’t fly to Australia with baby/toddler - what a fucking ball ache.

SilverRingahBells · 11/01/2022 18:41

It sounds as if this is a family location wedding rather than a "destination wedding" - surely no Brits ever have their wedding in Australia for the hell of it.

That being the case, it would probably be possible to find a really trustworthy sitter by personal recommendation rather than a random agency sitter. Personally I think that if I really wanted to go and wasn't put off by the cost and the horrific flight to Australia with a toddler the fact that the wedding was child free wouldn't put me off. Toddlers are looked after for a few hours by trusted professional carers all the time. I think you should sleep on it.

BurbageBrook · 11/01/2022 18:44

I think I’d be tempted not to go even if I didn’t have a baby, with that distance! So she can hardly mind if you don’t come.

Crazycrazylady · 11/01/2022 18:44

You've two options

Simply decline citing childcare. She may offer to bend the rules for you then without you putting her in awkward position by asking

  1. Accept on your own and you dh minds dd for the day
tsmainsqueeze · 11/01/2022 18:47

@SunnySideUp2020

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world. We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

Say exactly what you said here , i wouldn't think twice about declining a wedding that couldn't accommodate my families needs. Anyone planning a wedding abroad should know that not all invitees will accept.
headintheproverbial · 11/01/2022 18:49

If you want to go why don't you find a good local babysitting agency to come to the venue?

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 18:49

I guess maybe the issue here is that it sounds like OP and her friend are quite regularly in touch and have been talking about the wedding and the visit a lot. It’s likely that OP is unusual amongst the invitees in being based outside Australia. They’ve obviously been in touch around the birth of OP’s daughter. So it seems a bit odd that the invitation has arrived saying “no children” without an accompanying note, call or email saying “you’ll see from the invitation that we decided not to have children at the wedding but I think we should be able to help you sort out someone here to mind little Daisy while you and Jim are at the wedding, if you think that might work.” Or something.

NoSquirrels · 11/01/2022 18:50

Go as planned, your DH misses the wedding and minds the child. Easy!

dementedmummy · 11/01/2022 18:50

Just noticed your DH is/was going. Could you not still do your holiday as planned and you go to the wedding and dh looks after dd for the day? That way you all get the holiday and you get to the wedding. Not great being the only person at the wedding if you don't know anyone other than the bride but most people will make room for a single person on a table. Alternative im afraid is you just dont go.

Fairunibutterfly · 11/01/2022 18:50

Anyone who has a destination wedding has to accept lots of people may not attend for all manner of reasons - cost, time off work, other engagements and that’s all before the no child rule. I know, I had one but children were invited.

She knows your situation. I’d politely decline and see what she says.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 18:51

It’s the fact that OP realises her friend hasn’t really thought through how OP will feel on receiving the invitation which is making this worse I think.

Hangthetowels · 11/01/2022 18:53

I simply wouldn't go. I've turned down loads of wedding invites because I have a baby, there's absolutely no obligation to go!!!!!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 11/01/2022 18:57

Personally I think having a child free wedding is weird, but that's beside the point.

Given that you are very happy with the idea of travelling to Australia with your DP and daughter, it seems the sticking point is that your daughter can't go to the wedding. As others have said, your dp can take your dd out somewhere whilst you go to the wedding.